Sydney Harbor Hospital – 06 – Bella's Wishlist

by Emily Forbes

  ‘Princess, what a pleasant surprise.’ Finn opened his door and greeted her with a voice heavily laden with sarcasm.

  Once again she didn’t wait to be invited in when the door swung open. ‘You think,’ she said as she stormed past him into his lounge, resolutely keeping her back turned to the wall where she’d let him claim her the last time she was here.

  She didn’t give Finn an opportunity to say any more, she didn’t want to give him a chance to tell her to leave. ‘Bella got new lungs today,’ she told him.

  ‘I heard.’

  That took the wind out of her sails momentarily.

  She frowned. ‘How did you hear that?’

  He raised one eyebrow in a habit she found intensely irritating but it was only one of his many habits that annoyed her.

  ‘I am the Head of Surgery,’ he said. ‘People tend to keep me in the loop.’

  Being told he’d known Bella was having surgery today and he still hadn’t bothered keeping his word sent Evie over the edge. ‘You said you would speak to Sam. I asked you for help.’ She tried desperately to rein in her temper but she knew she could either yell at Finn or burst into tears, and she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

  ‘Sleeping with the head of a department doesn’t grant you the right to ask favours.’

  Evie clenched her fists, willing herself not to hit something. God, he was infuriating. ‘You arrogant bastard, is that why you think I slept with you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he replied. ‘Is it?’

  ‘No!’ She couldn’t stop herself from yelling that time. ‘That was an impulsive mistake and I’m sorry it ever happened,’ she lied. ‘I don’t have a good reason for what we did but wanting the liberty of asking favours wasn’t it.’

  Finn didn’t react to her rising temper. In contrast to her heated tone his voice was cool, calm and measured. ‘How’s Bella doing?’

  ‘You tell me,’ Evie snapped. ‘I thought you were “in the loop”.’

  ‘I’ve been out of contact a bit today. I haven’t caught up on everything I should have.’

  ‘Her new lungs are working, she’s in ICU, as expected, but she’s on a ventilator. This was supposed to be the start of her new life but she can’t even breathe by herself.’ Evie could hear her voice wobbling with emotion and she fought to keep things under control.

  ‘That will only be temporary.’

  ‘I know that. But somehow I think if you’d been there it might have turned out differently. If things had gone according to plan.’

  ‘Whose plan?’ he asked.

  ‘Mine.’

  Finn was shaking his head. ‘I’m sorry it hasn’t gone as smoothly as you hoped but I’m sure she’ll be fine. Trust me when I tell you it was better for Bella that I wasn’t there.’

  ‘Trust you!’ Evie retorted. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever trust you.’

  Finn sighed. ‘Before you get carried away as judge, jury and executioner, there’s something you need to hear.’ He gestured to his sofa. ‘I think you should sit down.’

  Evie stomped over to Finn’s leather couch. On the coffee table was a tumbler filled with an inch of amber fluid. It looked like whisky. Finn remained standing in front of her. His back was ramrod straight and his hands were thrust deep into the pockets of his jeans. Even in her irritated state she was aware of how the denim of his jeans strained across his thighs, emphasising his long, lean physique, and she was aware too of her own reaction to his maleness. It seemed that being annoyed with him wasn’t enough to prevent herself from finding him attractive. Not that she planned to go anywhere near him ever again. Especially not after today.

  ‘There’s a reason I wasn’t at the hospital today,’ he said, and Evie had to drag her eyes away from his hips and back up to his face as he spoke to her. ‘Look.’ He took his hands out of his pockets and held them out to her. His right hand was shaking badly. ‘I didn’t avoid surgery today because I didn’t want to do it. I avoided it because I didn’t want to be a liability. There was no way I could have operated today. You wouldn’t want me near Bella like this, would you?’

  ‘Oh, my God!’ She tore her eyes away from his hands and looked up at him. She realised the shadow in his blue eyes that she’d thought was anger was, in fact, pain. She’d marched into his home and accused him of all sorts of terrible things when he’d been suffering. She felt dreadful and for a moment she forgot the nasty things he’d said to her in reply. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

  ‘I have a ruptured cervical disc at five/six.’

  ‘When? How?’

  ‘It happened years ago, ten years ago, when I was in the army.’

  ‘Ten years?’

  He nodded. ‘But the disc has deteriorated further.’

  ‘Tell me you’ve been to see someone.’

  He nodded. ‘I saw Rupert today.’

  ‘Rupert Davidson, the neurosurgeon?’

  Finn sat on the couch opposite her but he didn’t collapse into the couch as she had. His posture remained stiff, upright and he held his head still as if even the slightest movement was painful. ‘He thinks a fragment of the nucleus has broken off and is causing more C-six nerve root impingement.’

  ‘He thinks? Have you seen anyone else, had a second opinion?’ she asked, but who else would he see? Like Finn and Sam, Rupert was another one of the Harbour’s surgeons who was the best in his field. ‘Have you had an MRI scan?’

  Finn gave her a wry smile. ‘I’ve had about a dozen opinions. I trust Rupert. And, no, I haven’t had an MRI. Remember the scar on my left shoulder?’

  Did she remember? She didn’t think she’d ever forget how that puckered scar had felt under her fingers or the fact that when she’d felt it they’d just made love. No, they’d just had sex, she corrected herself.

  She nodded.

  ‘I still have shrapnel in that shoulder. I can’t have MRI scans.’

  He had shrapnel in his shoulder and a destroyed cervical disc. No wonder he was always so grumpy. ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘Rupert wants to operate.’

  ‘What does he want to do?’

  ‘He has to remove that fragment but the disc has lost its height so he’s talking about trying an artificial disc.’

  Evie frowned. ‘Isn’t that a bit experimental?’

  Finn nodded.

  ‘What does he think the odds are of it being successful?’ Her earlier antagonism was forgotten as she tried to process what she was hearing.

  ‘He has no idea. He reckons fifty-fifty that I’ll even pull through the surgery and no guarantees that it will work, but I can’t continue like this. If my condition deteriorates any further, I may never operate again. I don’t think I have much choice. So, that’s why I wasn’t there for Bella today. I’m sorry.’

  He was sorry? Evie felt like a complete bitch. She’d known something was wrong with Finn. She’d seen it in the way he rubbed his arm, she’d seen it in his eyes when a shadow crossed them, darkening his piercing blue irises, she’d known he suffered from migraines but she’d done nothing except badger him about her own needs.

  Finn stood and Evie watched as he unfolded his limbs and rose from the couch. It seemed their little heart to heart was over. ‘Don’t let me keep you any longer. I’m sure you want to check on Bella.’

  Evie stood too but that brought them standing within a few inches of each other. She was tempted to reach out, to try to wipe the look of pain from his face. It was etched deep into the furrows of his forehead but as if he sensed what she was about to do he took a step backwards, putting some distance between them.

  ‘I’ll see you out,’ he said, effectively dismissing her.

  He led her to the door but paused as he reached for the doorhandle. ‘Can I ask you not to mention this to anyone? They’ll all find out soon enough if I need to have time off.’

  Evie nodded.

  ‘Thank you.’

  She thought that was the most sincere she’d ever hea
rd him sound. Perhaps they could be friends after all.

  ‘Don’t mention it. I’m glad you told me,’ she replied, then impulsively raised herself up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. She didn’t care if her attention was unwanted. He needed to know she would keep his confidence. He needed to know she was in his corner. ‘If you need someone to talk to, I think I’m a pretty good listener.’

  Finn didn’t respond to her invitation but he didn’t refuse it either. He held the door for her and Evie pressed the button to call the lift, before deciding to take the fire escape stairs back down to her apartment. She didn’t want to share the lift with anyone, she needed to think.

  Finn had been carrying this injury for ten years. She understood that it had obviously not always been as incapacitating as it was now but how had he managed not only to keep it quiet but to continue to do the job he did? Bending over an operating table would be hell with a ruptured cervical disc, particularly at the C five/six level.

  The pain would account for his bad temper and she wondered what he’d be like if he was pain free. But there was no guarantee that the surgery would be successful. And if it didn’t work, what would that mean for Finn? He might lose more upper-limb function and then he wouldn’t be able to operate. What would that do to a man like him? One who obviously prided himself on his skills and no doubt measured his worth by his performance as a surgeon? And that wasn’t even considering the complications associated with the surgery itself.

  She could see the stubborn set of his jaw and recognised in him the same traits of independence and stubbornness she saw in her mother. She knew her mother’s issues stemmed from low self-confidence and self-worth. Finn couldn’t possibly have some of those same issues, could he? Not someone who seemed so sure of himself.

  Whatever his issues, he needed someone to be there for him and Evie would have bet her last dollar that he had no one. Could she do it? Would he let her?

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHARLIE sat and watched Bella as she slept. He’d been beside her every chance he’d had for the past two days but he felt he could sit there for ever. He’d be there for as long as she needed him.

  ‘Ciao, Bella.’

  He picked up her hand. It was cool to his touch. He rested his thumb over her wrist, over the pulse that flickered under her skin, and let the beat of her heart vibrate through him.

  Her dark eyelashes fluttered against her pale cheeks but her eyes remained closed. She was still sedated. Still ventilated.

  He threaded his fingers between hers and gently squeezed her hand. ‘Can you hear me?’ he asked as he willed her to return his pressure. Just the smallest of movements would have done but there was nothing.

  He could have kicked himself for not telling her how he felt when he’d had the chance. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t told her he needed her in his life. Wanted her in his life.

  He couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing her smile. Not hearing her laugh. Not seeing her grey eyes turn silver when she asked him to kiss her, asked him to make love to her. He couldn’t bear to think he might not have the chance to introduce her to the delights of lovemaking, might not get to have her naked in his arms or take her to the heights of pleasure. That he might not get to hear her cry out in ecstasy as he tasted, teased and thrilled her.

  But he didn’t regret not seizing the opportunity the other night. Even if it meant he’d missed his chance, he knew the timing had been wrong. He’d wanted to give Bella the attention she deserved and he couldn’t have done that. It would have been hurried and hasty, not the languorous experience that he wanted her to have. Even one night wouldn’t be enough. Not for her and not for him. He wanted more than that.

  If only she’d wake up he could tell her how he felt.

  But he could still tell her now. He could accept the theory that comatose or heavily sedated patients were still aware of conversations, sounds and smells around them, even if they were unable to respond. He could tell her how he felt now and he could tell her again later.

  He was convinced her depression was due to her mental state prior to the surgery. If she’d wanted to give up then this was a way to let go. But he couldn’t let that happen. He needed to get her to fight.

  He wound his fingers through her auburn curls and bent his head, burying his face in her curls and breathing in her scent. Even among the hospital odours he could smell her, fresh and sweet.

  ‘Bella?’ he whispered. ‘Please wake up. I miss you.’ He wanted to talk to her, wanted to hear her laugh. He could talk, he could tell her about his day, but it wasn’t what she needed to hear. It wasn’t going to get her breathing on her own.

  He kept his back to the ICU, blocking out the rest of the world as he concentrated on Bella. His words were for Bella alone.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t make love to you when you asked me to. I don’t want to think we’ve missed our chance. Believe me when I say I was tempted, very tempted, but I wanted to make it perfect for you. You deserve that. You deserve more than a quick tumble on the grass. Not that it wouldn’t have been fun,’ he said with a smile, ‘but I want to spend an entire night with you. More. I want you to wake up in my arms and decide to do it over again. And again. Not to end up cold and sore in the back garden, having to sneak inside like a recalcitrant teenager. I’ll make it up to you. I promise you an experience to remember, but first you have to wake up.’ He held her hand, connecting them. ‘I want to do it properly.

  ‘Did you know I promised Evie I wouldn’t break your heart?’ he continued. ‘She scares me, your big sister. You didn’t know I was a coward, did you?’ He was only half joking. He wasn’t looking forward to the lecture he was expecting from Evie but he would let her have her say, as long as she didn’t try to stop him from seeing Bella.

  ‘If you get through this, I promise I’ll make it up to you.’ He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her fingertips. ‘I’ll be waiting for you when you wake up.’

  Bella was dozing, trying to piece together the past few days. It was still so hard to believe she’d had a lung transplant, everything felt so vague and distant. When she’d woken she’d been disoriented and she’d had to ask the nurses where she was and what day it was. Apparently it was her third day in the ICU and she’d only been taken off the ventilator that morning.

  Her memory was hazy and she kept her eyes closed as she tested out her new lungs. It hurt to breathe in but it was external pain, muscular pain, not her usual tight, blocked, breathless feeling. She put her hand over the base of her ribcage where the pain was worst and felt the dressing. She followed it as it ran across the lower part of her chest and felt where the drain emerged from the dressing and dropped away over the edge of the bed.

  Above the dressing, between her breasts, she could feel ECG leads stuck to her chest but there were no bandages higher up. The scar from the surgery was a horizontal one, down low, just as Sam had told her it would be. But she hadn’t believed him. She’d been convinced the scar would be between her breasts, visible to everyone any time she wore a V-neck top. Sam told her that was the case for heart surgery, not lung surgery, but she’d been terrified of waking up and finding out he’d been wrong.

  She took another deep breath, in, out, in, almost scared to think her new lungs actually worked. She breathed out as she heard two nurses talking as they came towards her bed. She opened her eyes, thinking they were coming to her, but they stopped at the bed beside hers, ready to turn that patient. They continued talking as they worked.

  ‘Has Dr Maxwell been in yet?’

  ‘No. I haven’t seen him since he was at Pete’s the other night.’

  ‘I told you you should have talked to him then when you had the chance.’

  They were talking about Charlie! Did he have a patient in ICU or had he been in to see her? She racked her brain, struggling to see if she had any recollection of a visit from him, but the past few days were nothing but a fuzzy jumble of images and she had no idea which ones were real and which ones were her
imagination.

  ‘I was going to but then he disappeared,’ the nurse replied.

  Bella couldn’t believe how much the nurses in this hospital gossiped in front of the patients. They talked about their lives as though all the patients were deaf. Maybe they’ve forgotten I’m awake, she thought. She opened her eyes, just a fraction. She had to see who this nurse was but she didn’t want them to know she was listening. She squinted through her lashes. She could just make out the name on the nurse’s nametag. Philippa.

  Philippa? Why did that sound familiar?

  No, it wasn’t Philippa that was familiar. It was Pippa. The ex-girlfriend Charlie had been talking about before Bella had gone in for surgery. She remembered Charlie talking about how he’d given his heart away and lost everything. The girl, his career, his surfing dreams. No wonder he avoided relationships.

  Charlie had obviously thought he’d been helping her, telling her he knew how she felt. But all she could think about was how he’d given his heart away once and would probably never do it again.

  In Bella’s mind Pippa morphed into Philippa—brunette, big busted, long legs—the complete opposite from her. A woman who knew what she wanted and went after it. Not someone who’d have to beg a man to make love to her.

  Bella couldn’t believe she’d been such a fool. What on earth would Charlie see in someone like her? He’d even told her, more than once, that the reason he spent time with her was because Evie asked him to. He obviously thought of her as Evie’s little sister, nothing more. She felt tears welling in her eyes. He’d probably had no intention of making love to her, poor, tragic, inexperienced Bella, not at any time. He’d probably just been trying to let her down gently.

  She wanted to fall in love but she couldn’t give her heart to Charlie. Not now. Not now she knew about Pippa. Not now she knew why he avoided relationships. That would be asking for trouble. Trusting him with her heart yet knowing he would only break it. She wanted to fall in love but she’d have to make sure it wasn’t with Charlie. He’d given his heart away once before, she couldn’t expect him to do it again.