After what happened tonight, I don’t have the energy to tell him about the letter that’s been burning a hole in my pocket. I tip the glass back and put enough cash on the bar to cover both of our drinks. “I’m gonna crash at a motel tonight. You’re welcome to come to the house anytime. I’m sure Annie and Charles will be happy to see you.”
He turns around. “You should know better than to think money is going to make things right between us. You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, Josh.”
His words cut into my tainted soul. I don’t need this, not from him, not tonight.
I pause, clenching my fists. “Leave it, Ben.” I take a step forward, and his hand closes around my arm holding me back. Years of anger explode between us, and before I know what I’m doing my hands are around his neck. In a flash, the bartender is beside me, pulling me off him. Ben’s nostrils are flaring as he leans back against the edge of the bar.
“You haven’t changed one bit, and you deserve every fucking day of misery you get.” His eyes lower, chest heaves, and mine follow. The fucking envelope is lying on the floor in between us. Even now, in death, she stands between us. His name is on the front of the envelope in her flowy handwriting. Fuck! I lift my head up. He shakes, clenching his fists.
“What’s this?” his voice is strained and low.
No matter how much hate there is between us, this is not the way I wanted to do this. I bend down and pick it up, keeping my eye on him. I hold the envelope out to him. He looks up at me with eyes full of emotion.
“Lilly,” he speaks her name as if it is something sacred.
God knows I have wanted to open that letter a million times, but I couldn’t do it. It was in the file with the photos and other documents I discovered after my mother died. Like most other things in my family, this was kept a secret.
His face is pale. His eyes are fixed on the envelope in my hands. I want him to punch me and tell me what a sick motherfucker I am, but he doesn’t. He reaches out, takes the envelope as if it is made of glass, then turns and walks out, without saying a word.
Guilt is the timekeeper of my soul. Lilly has left a void inside of me that’s filled with wretchedness, hate, and anger, until now. This feeling burning inside of me is the last thing I need right now, but holding her in my arms tonight has awakened something inside of me that died four years ago.
I buy another bottle of Jack and drive to her house, parking underneath the trees, far enough away that she can’t see me, but close enough to feel near to her. As I unscrew the bottle, a shadow passes by a window upstairs.
A slim hand pulls the curtains to the side, and the silhouette of my newfound demon appears, with a halo of gold around her. She is the one who is going to run me off the rails or get me back on track, either way, someone is going to get hurt.
Chapter 9
“You don’t want this Sophie, trust me.” Heat pooled between my legs as he breathed in my neck, his fingers slowly tracing up my thigh.
“I want you, Josh.”
My eyes flutter open against the sharp light streaming in through my bedroom curtains, and his face is the first thing I see. I can feel the warmth of his breath against my neck and the feeling of my skin under his masterful touch. It isn’t a dream it is real, he is real.
Suddenly the flood of memories from last night comes rolling over me like a wave pushing me to the bottom of the ocean leaving me struggling to breathe. “Josh.” His name is like a burning coal on my lips. Even after everything that happened, letting him touch me, and leaving me burning for him, he is all I can think of. I am like a junkie ready for his next hit.
“What have you done?”
I swing around, facing the door where Ben is standing. He looks like shit, wearing the same clothes as the night before, and his shirt is torn. He cradles his head in his hands, rubbing his face hard as if he’s trying to rub away everything that happened last night. There is a crinkled envelope in his hand.
My hand flies to my mouth. “Oh my God, you’ll give me a heart attack.” I sit up. “What happened to you?”
His eyes bore into mine. “He’ll hurt you, he’ll use you to get to me, and then he’ll throw you to the side.”
He stumbles forward. “He’s incapable of feeling anything, do you hear me. He’s dead inside.”
I try to swallow, but my mouth has suddenly gone dry. “What?” I can feel my skin tightening around my skull. Flames of heat spread to my neck and face as I throw the covers back and stand next to the bed, arms crossed over my waist.
“What’s this really about Ben?”
“It’s what he’s like, and I’ve seen the way you look at him. He’s poison Soph, he’s destructive, selfish…a fucking male whore! You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”
His words are so final, as if my fate is sealed. I push the heels of my hands to my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears that start rolling down the sides of my cheeks. I wish I could tell him how I feel, how parts of me that I thought were dead had come alive when I was with him, but I can’t. He’s blinded by his hate.
“I don’t know what the hell is going on between the two of you ‘cause you won’t freaking tell me!” I hold back a sob.
“I’m your friend and you can’t tell me, but you expect me just to ignore my feelings.”
He gasps. “Feelings?
“You have feelings, you know nothing about him!”
“I can’t do this if you can’t be honest with me Ben, I like Josh, and-”
“He’s a fucking dick!” I cringe as his voice booms over me. I’ve never seen him this upset.
“Why!” I fold my arms and take a step forward. “Why is he a dick, huh?” I spit.
He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. My chest feels constricted, my eyes sting and I’m getting more and more emotional. I can’t do this; I can’t stand here and listen to him tell me to back off when he’s not willing to tell me the fuck why.
“You should leave.” I storm past him as the tightness in my chest starts to suffocate me. He lunges forward and grabs my arm, pulling me to the bathroom. I jerk my arm away, glowering at him. “Just go Ben, please!”
“Sophie wait, just…” He holds on, but I pull away, lose my balance, and fall. A sharp pain shoots through my skull and seconds later, something warm trickles through my hair as I slide down against the dresser with my hand pressed against the back of my head.
“Fuck! Soph, I’m so sorry.” Ben is on his knees trying to help me up, but I pull my hand away from my head to push him away when I see the blood stain from my fingerprints on his shirt.
His face turns pale. “Oh God.” He jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
I hear the tap open when a pair of black Oxfords appears in the doorway. My heart clenches as I look up into his face. His expression is dark. I look back at Ben who is wringing water from a small towel, now making his way back to me. Josh’s gaze drifts from me to the bathroom door where Ben appears with the bloodstain on his shirt.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ben hisses through his teeth moving in between Josh and me, who won’t back down.
From where I am sitting, I can see Josh’s clenched fists hanging at his sides. “Get out of my way Slone, she’s hurt.”
“She’s none of your business, and this is nothing compared to what you will do to her.”
Josh takes a step closer. “I’m warning you. Get the fuck out of my way. You’re wasted, you can’t help her.” Even now, the sound of his voice makes something stir deep inside of me.
I lift my hand up. “Please, Josh don’t—” I try to get up, but lose my balance and press my bloody hand on the wooden floor.
Josh is next to my side like lightning. Ben swings around and grabs him by his arm to pull him away from me, but Josh is faster, and stronger. He maneuvers in behind Ben and secures one arm behind his back and holds him in a chokehold.
“I’m going to kill you,” Ben yells
, gasping for his breath.
The tears stream as I look into Ben’s eyes. He wants to protect me as he has always done, but this time it is different. This time I want the danger, the fear, the alluring uncertainty that bubbles up inside of me when I look at Josh.
“Please Josh, don’t hurt him, please.” I hold back a sob, trying to make my way up, holding onto the cupboard.
Josh gives me a composed look then loosens his grip, but holds his ground, keeping close to me. Ben takes a few steps towards the bedroom door, out of breath.
“Soph, what are you doing?” He wipes his mouth then looks back at Josh.
“You’re going to fuck up her life then leave her to pick up the pieces, that’s your M.O. isn’t it? Well, you’re not touching her. “
Josh’s eyes meet mine. “This is between you and me, Slone, not her.”
Ben laughs. “There is no you and her, Roxwell, you need to leave.” He looks at me. “Tell him Sophie, tell him he has to go.” His words are like a double-edged sword. No matter what I say, someone is going to get hurt. I lift my arm and press the back of my hand against my mouth, trying to muffle my sobs.
Ben takes a step forward, and Josh matches it. “Soph please, what are you doing?” he pleads.
I have no idea, but it scares the crap out of me. I draw my eyes up and look at him.
“I…I,” the words are stuck in my throat. I can’t say it. Tears trickle down my cheeks watching his expression turn bleak. I hurt him, I can see it in his eyes.
I’ve drawn a line in the sand, one that I’ll never be able to wipe out. He grabs his beanie and walks to the door, looking back at Josh who is standing on my right.
“This time you’ve gone too far, you’re not taking someone else I love away from me. If anything happens to her, if you hurt her, I swear—”
My chest burns as he turns and walks out of my room. The tears run down my cheeks as the warm blood trickles down my hair streaming into my neck. Even though it feels as if everything is falling apart around me, I’ve never felt more alive. Josh moves the second Ben is out of sight. Grabbing the towel from the floor, he lifts me up into his arms and carries me into the bathroom where he sits me down on the vanity cabinet, pushing in between my legs.
“Let me see.” His breath warms my neck bringing back memories of last night at the club. I lower my head, and my hair falls open from where the blood is streaming.
“It’s nothing really. I hit my head on the side of the dresser.” I try to take the towel from him, but he holds onto it.
“Josh,” I plead. He stops, lowering the towel into the basin.
“I’m fine; really. I need to speak to Ben.”
“It won’t help.” He rinses the towel. I loop my arms around his neck as he helps me to bed.
He lowers his gaze, rubbing his neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“It’s not your fault.” He lifts a hand up to shush me.
“Please, let me say it, I’m sorry for everything, for last night, for leaving you when all I wanted to do was—” He stops when Ben’s truck roars to life below my window.
I get up and rush over to the window watching helplessly as he speeds off down the road. I break open the second I sense him standing behind me. Before the first teardrop falls, I am in his arms. His lips brush against my skin, my forehead, my cheeks, nibbling on the side of my mouth, and then, his mouth closes over mine. It’s not with the urgency I feel tearing up my insides, but careful, slow and deep.
His fingers move to the sides of my face, pulling me closer to him, with every breath breaking down the wall I’ve built around my heart. I gasp as his mouth captures mine, and it feels like electricity pours from his lips into every nerve ending, from my hard nipples right down to the dampness pooling between my legs. Sparks shoot through my veins as his hand brushes against the side of my cheek, then his lip trail along my jaw line until he reaches my ear.
“Tell me to stop.” His lips crush mine with so much urgency I can feel his need seeping into my skin. His eyes are blazing with desire and I can feel myself slipping, falling, hard for this bad boy who makes me want to do things I’ve never done before.
“I can’t.” my words drown in his mouth as his big hands clamp around my waist setting off fireworks inside of me.
Chapter 10
It has been two weeks since the fight between Ben and Josh, and the best kiss of my life. Dreams of him consume my nights, and the days drift by without any significance.
I have betrayed Ben by doing the one thing he asked me not to do, but how do I stop this fire inside of me from burning. How do I explain something so intense and forceful to someone who has never felt it? I’ve never wanted to give myself to anyone as much as I do when I’m with him. My head tells me that I’m not thinking clear. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy goes to bed alone, and that the one fleeting moment of passion probably meant more to me than it did to him. But it’s my heart that’s mourning the feelings he set off inside of me, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. He left shortly after Ben-said he had stuff to sort out and that he’d call, but he hasn’t.
Ben has not answered any of our calls or texts. Mr. Brown at the office said he came around to get his hiking gear and said he’s going to be gone for a few days. Luke didn’t know much more than we did. He said Josh stopped by for gas later that night. He didn’t say where he was going but he’d been drinking.
He hardly spoke about his life before he came to Port Angeles, but it is clear that there was a lot more going on and a big part of it involved Josh and his family.
He’s been going to Seattle a few times a year since we’ve met him, only saying that there is stuff he needs to take care of, nothing serious. Ben has been my shield since the attack, from outsiders, from Matt, anyone who even looked at me in the wrong way, but most of all, from myself.
He took care of my wounds, changed the dressings and took me to hospital for checkups. He put a reminder on my phone to take my meds, and when it all just got too much and I refused to get out of bed, shower and eat, he would wrap me up in a blanket and take me out on the porch for some fresh air. He would tell me how lucky I am to be alive, and that one day I’d meet someone who would love me for who I am. He knew how much I wanted kids, how much I wanted to be the mother that I never had growing up.
A world without Ben just didn’t feel right. I know he will be back, eventually, this is his home, but I am not sure if we can pick up the pieces.
I explained what Ben told me about him and Josh to Alice, in the hopes that she would see he wasn’t in love with me, and for the most part, it seemed like she understood, but this whole thing with Josh has left its mark on all of us.
Wednesday morning I wake up in a fever all caught up in memories of Josh. I take a cold shower and start to clean the house to try to keep my mind occupied, but it doesn’t help.
Alice got news that she got the job in Seattle. I cried as hard as she did on the phone. It was the end of something we’d never get back. I guess with everything going on I never stopped to realize that with Alice gone, it would just be me and Ben. She decided to come around with pizza and Bacardi’s and stayed the night.
I could see the same look in her eyes that she had the first day she met Ben. The feelings are still there, even if the reality is that they will probably never be anything more than friends.
After the fifth Bacardi my resistance levels are shot and I let it all out. Alice listens quietly as my insecurities and feelings for Josh are laid bare.
Thursday flies by. While waiting in line at Frugals for a burger I send another text to Ben, but he doesn’t respond. Alice is working overtime, to finish her current projects before she moves to Seattle. After dinner I soak in a hot bath and go to bed, physically and mentally exhausted but can’t sleep. I stare at Josh’s number in my phone until eventually I drift off.
Friday morning I wake up from a nightmare. The same one that has been haunti
ng me since the attack. I pull the covers up to my chin and turn on my side, lying in the glow of the fairy lights, watching the glistening snail trails run down the outside of the window, breathing in the silence around me.
It is almost midday when I get up and dressed in comfy track pants and a sweater. The thick misty blanket covering the mountaintops is messing with my head. I need to get out.
If Ben were here I would have driven up to the office and spent the day with him just walking around the park. With no one to talk to except the voices in my head, I decide to take my bicycle and paddle down to the fruit and veggie shop and pop into the library. I push the old green bicycle from the garage when my phone jingles.
“Hey hun, how are you feeling?” Alice chimes.
“Um, okay…you?”
“Work, trying to finish editing this article…ugh!” she blows into the phone.
“Anyway, moving on, I’ve been thinking, why don’t you come with me to Seattle…”
“What?” I interject before she could finish.
“Just hear me out, okay? You need a break with all this crap going on…”
“Al, I don’t know—” I start up again, but she stops me.
“Just listen, I need you there with me. You are the most organized person I know, and God knows I can sure do with that right now.”
There are a few moments of silence on the line before she speaks.
“Look, I know what you’re thinking. And the answer is yes. I think you should call Josh and tell him you’re going to be in Seattle for a week.”
I press my hand against my forehead. “Oh God.” My heart slams against my chest.
“Just listen, okay? I don’t understand what you feel for him, I’ve never felt it, but I can see what it’s doing to you. You’re fading. I love you, but I have to tell you this. You’re going into that dark place again, and I’m not going to let that happen.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. I can’t explain it. I don’t know what to do with these feelings that are consuming more of me every day.
Hurricane Butterfly Page 4