I wanted Rip free.
“I’ll talk to my old man.”
His sigh sounded heavy and pained, like his insides were escaping. He kept a smile on his face, had everyone fooled, but Storm and I knew how much he was rotting inside.
“Thanks. While you’re at it, try talking to Hallie too. I don’t think that door is closed yet.”
“Don’t concern yourself with her doors.”
“Fine set of doors, though.”
I groaned in agreement. “The only set of doors I’ve ever wanted to kick open. The back ones too.”
“Dude.” He shook his head, leaving me chuckling when he took off in disgust.
But my mind was still fixated on doors. Doors with potentially new locks. Doors that may still be open. Maybe I didn’t understand what was good for her, only what was good for my obsession. My blood began to move through my veins faster, my heart stuttered, alive for the first time in weeks.
I rolled onto my stomach and pulled my legs out of the black hole of the canyon, crawling on my hands and knees across the cliff for my car.
A hand shot out to stop me when I got to my Mercedes. Storm nodded at my keys, his face set in impassive denial.
“I have to see her.”
“You can see her tomorrow.” He snatched my keys away and put them in his pocket.
“Ryder…” I sagged against my car, barely able to see in the dark. “Her door might still be the same. If it’s the same, then she wants me to come in.”
He was wearing all-black tonight, and with his pale skin and ice-blond hair, he looked like a vampire in the night, only I knew nothing got Storm’s blood pumping anymore. He was as empty as I was. With a mother who secretly hated him and a father who hated them both, he’d learned to keep himself locked up so tightly even he didn’t know who he was.
But of course, he did. After all, lies aren’t real. They’re just the truth that hasn’t come out yet.
“Walk. I’ll drop your car off at her place.”
I nodded, then I walked forward and grabbed his face between my hands, trapping his dark gaze in place. “You don’t need anyone to accept you, Storm, you just need to accept yourself. Which, I will admit, is probably a lot harder than accepting the judgement of others. I wanted you to know that I accept you. I accept your hacking creepy quiet ass for who you are.”
His body was rigid; his hard swallow bobbed with the truth. “It’s up to 8.95 billion.”
I released him and stumbled back, letting the Mercedes catch me. “Well, that’s going to make things interesting, isn’t it?”
“I traced this newest deposit.”
“Do I want to know the answer?”
“I don’t think Ben’s in on it. I think Owen is running this ship. Or Ben wouldn’t have taken off to New York to search for missing money that just so happened to show up in this offshore account.”
We knew the money was coming from Goodford Finance. Every account we were able to trace came back with their encoding. But Ben wouldn’t pull another 2.75 billion from GF in the bright of day. A sick feeling invaded my stomach.
“It’s a money laundering scheme. It has to be. Take the dirty, pay off the clean, keep the dirty, no tax, no loss. Pure filthy gain. Always a bank to fall back on. Money in, money out, the percentage gain alone would make one investor ten times richer in a year.”
My mind turned it over for the millionth time with no solid answer. “Where did the money trace back to?”
“Brazil.”
I ran my hand through my hair, using it to mask my moment of shock. I was rarely shocked. It was hard to keep things from men like Storm and me. We were the one hiding secrets. “Shit, Storm.”
“Yeah it is.” He put his hands in his pockets. “You should run this by Hallie. She’s more involved than we thought. You’re both inheriting this shit storm, after all. I’m just along for the ride.” He turned into the darkness and got sucked in.
I took off in a drunken run across the canyon, jogging uphill. I’d never made the journey on foot and overestimated my endurance. Pushing myself with double practices had made for no losses so far this season, but my muscles had started to give out on me. Not eating enough, not sleeping enough, my fixations rooted so firmly inside of my own thoughts—I was teetering on the edge of a sanity I wasn’t sure I ever had firm root in.
The guard out front of the Goodford’s castle gave me a curious nod. This was the longest I’d ever stayed gone. He wasn’t the only one feeling the drought. I thought I was in shock. Like an addict without his fix, I had crossed over into survival mode. Eating at my heart, taking pieces of the parts that were hers.
The main driveway was empty. What was left of my heart dried up and faded. I jogged over to the guard tower, blinking the sweat out of my eyes. It was the beginning of November. The heat was gone in the air; the chilled wind cutting through the canyon whipped at my flushed skin.
“Where’s everyone?”
He turned away from his laptop and shrugged. “No one’s been here all day. The daughter took off this morning and hasn’t made it back.”
He didn’t sound concerned. “Is that her norm these days?”
He nodded slowly. “She’s gone more than she’s home.”
“But she comes home, right?”
“Eventually.”
I asked a few more questions about Ben and Carrie to save face—we never addressed which Goodford I was here for, although if he was worth half his unearned salary he knew; pretenses kept the uninterested safe.
After slipping inside, I walked through the Goodford house. Every time Hallie took off, she had a reason. Her reasons rarely centered around our father’s orders, and more around her heart. Maybe I pushed her away for me, and not for her. Maybe I was protecting my heart.
It was barely intact. She owned every fucking inch of it. The more she wanted, the more she took. I’d run out one day. She’d realize how foolish she’d been wanting even a second in this. I knew that feeling. Lived that feeling.
She was life within my confines. I never wanted her to resent her heart the way I did mine.
I found myself in her room. Coincidence, of course. As if there were anywhere else for me. It felt cold. Untouched by her warmth. Her bed was made, her bookshelf was perfect—my eyes into her world gone. The only reason I hadn’t fired Tula was because I knew Hallie didn’t want me to.
My little star didn’t come home until one in the morning. I was in the dark, sitting on the floor beside her bookshelf. She turned on the light by her desk and dropped her bag on the floor.
Seeing her up close was dangerous. But I was inside of her room. Coming in through a door where my key still worked. She hadn’t changed the locks, she hadn’t gotten rid of me completely. That meant something, even if only to me.
She pulled her flats off, leaving her in a chunky deep blue sweater and a pair of skinny jeans that made her ass look like an upside-down heart. Long legs wrapped in denim, bronze hair full of body and hanging down her back. She was beauty—the only kind I knew.
The only kind I wanted.
“What’d you do to your foot?”
She whirled around, her gasp mixing with her scream. Her hand went to her heart. The heartbreak in her eyes was so sudden, I felt it. The gloss in her gaze, the panic in her breath. “What are you doing here?”
“There’s a scar on the bottom of your right foot. You were limping too a few weeks back. What happened?”
She settled on the bed almost unthinkingly. “What are you doing here?”
“You hate me?” There was a burning in my eyes I wasn’t putting up with. “I wanted you to, that’s why I did what I did, but deep down, the idea that you might hate me is fucking killing me, Hallie.” The burn turned into fire.
Her tears pooled on the edge of her gaze. “I…” The look on her face was the look on mine.
She was teetering. She was falling.
But there was nowhere to go but down. So, we held on tighter, wanting to fa
ll faster, pushing ourselves to the edge of splintering in two. We’d break clean, but we’d shatter into a million pieces.
“…don’t know what to do anymore,” she sobbed, covering her face in her hands.
I remained where I was. “This was always about what you wanted. Don’t forget that. What do you want right now, Hals?”
She sobbed harder. “That’s not true. This wasn’t about me at all. I wanted you, but you ruined that. Anything I want ends up gone.”
My body ached to comfort hers. “What do you want right now?”
She dropped her hands. The red in her eyes made her look crazed, or either unstably clear. “To run away from this place. To fly. To live. To feel. To love without losing. With you.”
“I want that too. I want to run away with the only person who ever made me feel good. Hallie, you’re the biggest weapon. My Achilles’ heel. My greatest weakness. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe. Nothing. Do you understand what that means?”
She shook her head.
“It means even though I’d love to do those things, I won’t. I’ll do what my father wants. Every single time. Because that’s what’s good for you.”
“It means we’re never getting out,” she finished for me. “Who said I wanted to? Who said living meant doing it someplace else? Who said running meant going away? Who said living wasn’t doing it with you? When I’m with you, Cage, I’m not trapped. I’m not feeling like I’ve been feeling. I’m happy.”
“That’s what I don’t want! Do you hear yourself?” I pushed to my feet. How did we get here so damn fast? This was supposed to happen… later. “You’re just giving up. You’re in survival mode. You’re forcing yourself to want what you’re already forced with.”
She surprised me by snorting. “Maybe that’s how you feel, Wreck. Not me. I can’t help what my heart wants. Trust me!” she cried. “I’ve tried. I tried so hard to forget you, but I can’t do that. Just like you can’t forget me. Right?”
“I’ve never tried to forget you.” I moved toward her, but she scurried away, like an animal who wanted to be caught but wouldn’t ever admit it.
“Don’t touch me. Please. I’m barely holding it together. Don’t think, don’t feel, just… exist. That’s my mantra.”
“Hallie. You’re my mantra. Everything makes sense when I think of it that way.” I didn’t know what to do. Give her what she thought she wanted, or give myself what I needed?
“That’s the problem. You’re thinking about me, but you’re not thinking of me. You’re applying me to your life the way you want me in it.”
Shit. She’d been thinking about this the way I did. Non-insanity-inducing-stop. Pulling at thoughts until they were frayed and useless. Which meant what she’d said made perfect sense to me. “You’re right. I have. But that’s all I’ve had until this year. You in my head.”
“Well, that’s all I’ve had since you pushed me away. You in my head. You’re much safer in here then you are in here.” She touched her head and then her heart. “Leave, Wreck. Before I get used to the sight of you again. Lord only knows what part of me you’ll break next time.” She got up and moved a step, but she didn’t appear to know where she was going. “Why did you wait for so long?” she cried out, hugging herself. “You can’t just show up when you want and expect everything to magically become all better.”
Watching her shatter so suddenly, like her hold had been fragile all this time, was turning my thoughts upside down. I didn’t need thoughts right now. I needed my damn feelings. I hadn’t spent long enough with them to know how to use them. “I don’t expect that.”
“Then what do you expect? Coming here. Out of nowhere.”
She thought it was out of nowhere, I thought it was out of desperation. Every day apart led here. “Can we please talk?”
“For what? So you can lie to me some more?”
“I don’t want to lie to you!” I exploded, marching toward her. She didn’t flinch; she didn’t react at all when I grabbed her face between my hands. “I don’t wake up and think I’m going to keep everything from Hallie. I wake up and try not to think. Don’t you get it? I’ve only really ever had myself for advice. You’ve been a major player in my thoughts, but you weren’t playing. If I’m open with you, I’m involving you. It’s too dangerous for that. Not to mention really fucking embarrassing and exposing.”
She was rigid in my hold, eyes burning red and face flushed with anger. But she was alive too, and she could argue all she wanted, but this was the first time in weeks we both felt our hearts pounding. “It was embarrassing for me too to find out you used my heart the way our fathers have.”
“I didn’t use your heart. What if I told you that there was no point in trying to save Illa, because we’d end up together anyway? What if I told you that you had to be mine, even if you didn’t want to be? You could have handled that kind of truth? No, you couldn’t have. You got close to me to save someone, and I finally had an excuse to be close to you. I wasn’t blowing that with the truth. Not until I had to.”
Her eyes swirled. “Explaining away your secrets doesn’t make them any less hurtful. You hurt me, Cage. When all I wanted was to be close to you. Like you always do. Let me go and get out of my room.”
I saw no cracks in her armor right now. Desperation moved through my bones. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for being selfish and using Illa to get to you. From now on, if I want something from you, I’ll just tell you.” In my grip, she’d checked out. She was looking at me, but she wasn’t seeing me. She was seeing the way she’d feel once she kicked me out.
All my life, I’d used who everyone saw to slip through the cracks of society’s expectations. That wasn’t enough with Hallie. She wanted real, craved it—she had to have it. She wanted Cage.
“I’m sorry,” I begged. “What do I have to do to show you how sorry I am?”
She fought my hold and pulled free, eyes darting around her room and then back to me. She looked trapped, or worse, was accepting that she’d always had been. “There’s no point to this.” She motioned between us. “I forgive you tonight and you still have all your secrets tomorrow.”
Secrets. That’s what this came down to. Hallie. That’s what mattered. “You don’t want these secrets, Hals. I promise.”
Heartache erupted all over. I saw her light go out, the dimness fell across her eyes. Her star was disintegrating in my sky.
“Then you have to leave.”
Give and take wasn’t a part of me. It didn’t exist in my world. Or even hers. Maybe that’s why she wanted it. It was us. She didn’t take more than she gave, offering me a balance my imbalances needed. Right now, she looked so close to falling off her scale, it was my turn to offer her some balance.
“I don’t want to leave. I don’t keep leaving us. You do. Shit!” I exploded, shoving my hands in my hair and warring with myself. “Fine! You want the fucking truths?”
Her head bobbed.
I opened my arms wide, offering her all the places to break down my walls. “You can have them. But if I do this, you take me back. These secrets aren’t my fault. I had nothing to do with them. Mostly,” I added, when she narrowed her eyes.
“I can’t take you back just like that. But you can stay.” Her eyes were leery.
It was then I realized that Hallie had a wall of her own now.
“Just no more secrets, Wreck. Promise me. We’re a team. Cage and Hallie.”
We were more of a team than she knew. “I’ll promise you that if you promise me something.” When she inclined her head, I sighed in defeat. “When you hear these truths, don’t hold them against me.”
“I won’t,” she promised, and I believed her, because she’d told me to leave, but she hadn’t forced me out. She’s stood her ground, made sacrifices of her own, for us. She wanted to be a team, even if I’d never let her fight our battles.
I’d do it. Shield her until I couldn’t do it anymore.
We stood where
we were. Shell-shocked and untrusting.
Finally, she came to life. She rubbed her eyes, her fingers shaking when she pulled away. “I’m so tired.” Her gaze drifted longingly to her bed and then to me. Sighing in her own defeat, she walked around and pulled her covers aside in an offering that said more than words.
I kicked off my boots and undid my belt, dropping it on the floor. I crawled into her bed in my jeans and shirt as she pulled off her sweater. She shimmied her jeans off her legs next, leaving her in a pair of plain black boy shorts and a thin white shirt. She padded barefoot to turn off her light and then crawled into bed on the other side.
I slid to her, wrapping her in my arms for the first time in a painfully long time. Her body breathed a sigh of relief. I felt it in the way her muscles sagged, in the way she fit perfectly—there was no fight in her body. Only in her heart.
I found her ear. “Thank you.”
“I’m still mad at you. Don’t think you’re in the clear just because we’re in bed together. I’m exhausted. And I missed you more than I have ever missed anything.” Her voice cracked.
My eyes closed. The feeling that rushed over me was foreign. I couldn’t place it if I had to. It was warm, and it didn’t suck as badly as I wanted it to. I thought it was because I believed her. “Why haven’t you been home much?” Sensing her anger, I rushed to continue. “I talked to the guard. He told me. He’s been on my payroll since I was a kid, by the way,” I admitted in a breathless rush.
Her neck craned to find my gaze. “You’re kidding me.”
I kissed between her eyes. “I pay him more than you.”
“Huh,” she muttered, rolling back to her side. “I don’t like being here unless I have to. At first, I thought it was because of my dad. But I think the truth might be even worse.”
The scent of her hair was too tempting. I found the space where it touched her neck and inhaled. “Welcome to my world, my little star.” My self-control went down with my walls. My lips found her pulse and kissed there, feeling her hard swallow and the tension in her body. She wanted to fight my kiss as much as she wanted to turn in to it. That seemed to be us. The moment the walls were down, there was nothing stopping this wreckage from colliding again and again. “Why don’t you like being here?”
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