Best Kept Secrets: The Complete Series

by Kandi Steiner

  If I went right, the road would take me to a house not so familiar — to the man I used to only know as a boy, the man who came back unannounced, the man I loved first, before I even knew what love was.

  I’d spent the evening up on the Incline, watching the sun set over the city as I worked through what I had to do, and now I was back in my car, back on the road that I knew I’d always eventually drive on. The tears I’d fought back had finally come, and now, I was convinced I didn’t have any more to shed. They were all dried on my face, inky lines of mascara marring each cheek like scars.

  I was at the fork I knew I’d eventually get to all along, the decision I never wanted to make between two choices I never knew I had before two months ago.

  The truth was simple.

  I loved them both.

  My heart was forever severed, destined to exist in two equal halves — one with each man.

  One half of me would forever be with Cameron, with the man I’d vowed to let hold me as his own until our last breaths. One half of my heart belonged to his quiet, loving heart, to the home we’d built together, to the promises we’d made in our youth — the ones we’d solidified as we grew together.

  The other half would always be with Reese, with the man who was never supposed to come back, the one who shook up my entire life when he did. One half of my heart belonged to his loud, passionate love, to the music we’d made, to the sins we’d committed knowing in our hearts they were right even when they felt wrong.

  Yes, my heart was severed, and I accepted that as my new truth.

  But one half beat stronger.

  One half had the vein that ran deepest, the love that spoke loudest, and one half held my choice in silence well before I ever admitted it out loud.

  The other half would always be a part of me, but in a softer way — a more subdued beating, a quieter presence, a different kind of life support.

  A different kind of love.

  My chest ached with the realization of what I had to do, of the words I had to say, the heart I had to break. Though the snow had cleared and spring was beginning to paint the earth green all around me, I still felt the harsh bite of winter nipping at my heels as I fled from it — from the cold, from the hurt, to a new beginning, to a new me.

  Left or right.

  It may not have been a simple choice, but I knew with every beat of my severed heart it was the right one.

  So, I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and turned the wheel.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  * * *

  Cameron

  In my heart, I always felt that Charlie would come back to me.

  Even on the hardest days, on the days when I saw her in his arms, or watched her watching him from across the room, I still believed. That belief was solidified after our weekend away together, and given a little ray of hope again after I told her the truth about Natalia.

  But that belief was like a small candle flame, and it had been snuffed last night after the gala.

  It wasn’t that I was accepting the fact that she would likely choose to be with Reese, but more that I was preparing for it. I spoke my peace with Reese, letting him know that if she were to choose him, he had better never treat her like less than a queen. I’d also given Charlie a little piece of me — of our family — to take with her, should Reese be her choice. And right now, I was packing up a bag with enough supplies to get me through a week, just in case she walked through that door and told me it wasn’t me she loved anymore.

  For all intents and purposes, I was ready.

  But I knew I’d never be able to truly let her go.

  I could pretend. I could smile for her, bow out and let them be, and try my best to move on with my life. Her happiness was all that mattered to me — and that was something I didn’t have to pretend to believe. It was as true as my belief in God above, and even if it killed me, I would walk out of her life if she told me it would make her happier — that he would make her happier.

  After last night, the likelihood that those would be the words she said to me was enough to knock me to my knees.

  I’d asked for two months, and truth be told, I wasn’t sure I’d done enough. Even with talking to Patrick, with digging through my dark caves to pull out whatever I could offer, with telling her the truth about Natalia, with reminding her about the life we’d built together — I didn’t know if it was enough.

  I’d let Reese get in my head. I’d let him shake me from telling her about Natalia the first time, let him get under my skin at the hospital and again after the gala last night. I should have taken Charlie home, should have spent the evening cherishing her — like it was my last night, or like it was the eve before our new life began.

  But I didn’t.

  I was flawed, far from perfect, and though I’d done all that I felt I could, I looked back on the months that had passed with the overwhelming want to try again. I wished for a redo button, for an extra life, for a rewind and pause — but I couldn’t have any of those things.

  All I could do was trust that smothered belief deep down inside me that felt Charlie would come home to me.

  I folded another shirt and tucked it into my suitcase, trying my best to keep my eyes off the clock in our bedroom. It was late, the sun had set hours ago, and I still hadn’t heard from her.

  Maybe she won’t come home at all, I thought, but just as it crossed my mind, I heard the front door open and close downstairs.

  And then, I felt her.

  Charlie’s presence always hit me the way I imagined a drug would hit an addict. Just being in her vicinity had my entire body alert, my senses locked in, my hands and eyes searching for her — wanting her, needing her.

  My ears perked up as her feet hit the stairs, and I continued packing, listening to every step. She called my name somewhere down the hall, but I couldn’t answer.

  I thought I was ready.

  I thought I could do this.

  But I couldn’t.

  I heard her as much as I felt her step inside our bedroom, but I kept my back to her, stuffing ten pairs of socks into my bag.

  She was here. She was standing in our bedroom, in a place where we made love, and I already knew by the energy rolling off of her what she had come to say.

  Time was up.

  I was too late.

  This is where it ends.

  ***

  Charlie

  “Hey,” I breathed, still leaning against the door frame that led into our bedroom.

  Cameron’s back was to me, his hands busy organizing the suitcase he had laid out on our bed. It was the same one he’d packed for our honeymoon, the same one he’d packed for our getaway trip back to Garrick.

  He paused at the sound of my voice, turning just slightly, enough to offer me his profile. “Hey.”

  I’d never felt more like a stranger in my own home.

  My hands shook as I crossed to sit on the bed across from where he was packing, and I folded them together once I sat, trying to calm my breaths.

  For a while I just watched him as he went from his dresser to the suitcase, back to the closet and then to the suitcase again. Back and forth he went, packing, taking clothing I’d seen him wear for years and fold it away like it’d never be back in this house again.

  I didn’t know where to start.

  That was the first thing I realized as I sat there watching him, seeing the pain etched on his face, knowing the tension that riddled his slumped shoulders, the same as it did mine. Where were the right words, the ones I needed to say to him? I’d searched for them the entire car ride over, and I’d come up empty-handed.

  Maybe it was because there were no right words — not in a situation like this.

  Cameron packed while I watched him in silence, finally zipping up the suitcase when everything was inside it. His eyes finally found mine then, the weight of them heavy and dark. He was out of other things to look at, to keep him busy, and now, it was time.

  “You’ve been cryin
g,” he said, slowly rounding the bed.

  I moved to the side, offering him room to sit beside me, but he just shook his head.

  He didn’t even want to sit next to me, and as he tucked his hands into his pockets, I realized his were shaking, too.

  I swiped at the dried, mascara-streaked tears on my cheeks. It was no use, I wouldn’t be able to get them off without makeup-remover, but I tried, anyway.

  “I have so much I want to say,” I whispered, looking up at him. “I’m not sure where to start.”

  Cameron looked so much older in that moment, like God was granting me a glimpse of what he would look like in ten years’ time. I traced every crease that surrounded his eyes, the ones that outlines his lips — though those were fewer. His dark eyes watched me like I held a gun, one pointed straight to his forehead, and he was just waiting for me to pull the trigger.

  “My life feels like a carnival ride,” I started. “So many violent twists and turns have happened over the last few months. If you would have told me this would have been my future, if you would have told me at Christmas that any of this would have happened, I would have laughed.” I tried to smile, but couldn’t manage. “I mean, it’s just…”

  I shook my head, the words not coming out right. Nothing felt right.

  “Will you please just sit with me for a second?” I begged him, sliding over again. “Please?”

  Cameron stared at the spot next to me like it was a trap, but he forced a breath and did as I asked.

  “Thank you,” I breathed, and my eyes fell to where my hands were folded in my lap as I tried again. “You and I, we have a love that I don’t think many people ever experience. The day I married you, I knew I was the luckiest woman in the world to have a man who loved me as fiercely as you did. As you do,” I corrected. “We were so happy, you know?”

  I glanced back up at Cameron, and he was staring at my hands, too. He swallowed, waiting for me to continue.

  “We built a life together, built this home together,” I said, looking around our room. “We tried to build a family, too. And through all that, we were… perfect. Honestly, we were. And I’m not saying we always have to be perfect, because that’s unrealistic to expect, but… what happened after…”

  I ran one of my shaking hands through my hair, tugging it at the ends, as if I could pull the right words out by force.

  “We messed up, Cameron,” I said. “Both of us. I should have asked you for what I needed, I should have gone to see someone, to talk to someone, the way you’ve been talking to Patrick. And I should have asked you more about what happened with Natalia,” I said.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Cameron interrupted.

  “It does,” I argued. “It does, Cameron. I know you feel like you betrayed me, that confiding in her was wrong. And it was. You should have come to me.” I swallowed, waiting for his eyes to meet mine again. “But to me, the real betrayal was that I thought you cheated on me. And though I know you didn’t now, you still kept the truth from me. For years.”

  “I didn’t want to make excuses. I—”

  “I know,” I said, holding up one hand to stop him. “And I understand, I really do. But you still let me sit in that hurt, in that embarrassment, for years. And you left me,” I choked. “You may have stayed here, in this house, but you weren’t really here. You weren’t present. You didn’t touch me the same, look at me the same, love me the same. The day I caught you with Natalia was the day you walked out on me. You checked out. And I had to grieve alone, rebuild alone.”

  Cameron’s brows pulled together as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t believe I had any left.

  “And then, Reese showed up.”

  Cameron shut his eyes at the sound of Reese’s name, and when he opened them again, they fell to the floor at our feet.

  “When I was a young girl, Reese was everything to me. He was my first crush, my first love, my first heartbreak. Seeing him again, it knocked the breath out of me. He was the one man in my life before you, Cameron, and I didn’t know how to handle him coming back — especially when he saw right through me, like I was glass, like he knew every cell that made up who I was.”

  “Charlie, please…” Cameron said, standing.

  “No, you need to hear this.”

  He didn’t sit back down, but he did turn again, his eyes finding mine.

  “I love him, Cameron. I do. And I know that hurts to hear me say,” I said, feeling the pain of those words as much as Cameron seemed to.

  His bottom lip trembled and he bit it hard, willing it to stop.

  “And he saved me when he came back to town. He woke me up from the daze I’d been walking in, from the horrible life I was living, pretending it was enough. I was miserable, Cam. I was dying.”

  Cameron’s jaw clenched.

  Just as much as my life had been killing me, my words were doing the same to him, now.

  “He showed me what life could be like with him, with a restart, with a new beginning. He brought passion back into my life, made me feel wanted again, needed, desired. And more than anything, he made me feel like I deserved to live a better life. He made me feel like I could be happy again — and that I deserved to be.”

  “You do deserve to be happy,” Cameron said, his voice breaking. “And I’m sorry I didn’t make you happy. I’m sorry I let that go, that I let you go. I will never forgive myself for abandoning you when you needed me most. I made a promise to you,” he choked. “And I couldn’t keep it. My word means nothing.”

  “Stop,” I said, standing with him. I wrapped my arms around him, but he wouldn’t hold me in return. He just stood like a statue in my grasp, his shoulders tense, two tears falling parallel to each other down each of his cheeks.

  “I failed you,” he whispered.

  “You did,” I said, my eyes searching his. “But I failed you, too.”

  Cameron shook his head.

  “I did. Just as you leaned on Natalia, I let Reese in when I should have come to you, instead. We both betrayed each other, as much as that hurts to admit. We messed up. We did. And honestly, when you told me you wanted more time, a chance to win me back, I thought it was a waste. I thought I’d be counting down the days, wishing for it all to be over so I could leave once and for all.”

  Emotion surged through me, along with the realization that it didn’t matter if the words were right or not, as long as they were from the heart.

  “But, I stand here in front of you humbled and thankful that you begged me for that chance, that you didn’t let me go, that you didn’t give up on me,” I said. “Because you opened my eyes to the one thing I’d somehow forgotten, the one thing I’d lost sight of.”

  Cameron’s eyes flicked between mine, a flash of hope lighting them from the inside out.

  “We have hurt each other, we have failed in so many ways,” I said, grabbing his arms and placing them around me. I laced my own around his neck. “But you are my husband. You are the man I love, the man I promised forever to. Through thick and thin, for better or for worse. I love you, Cameron, with every fucked-up, shattered piece of my heart. And it is shattered,” I told him. “And I am broken. But it’s you who makes me whole. It’s you who I cannot live without. And I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that, that I ever made you believe I could walk away from this, from us, from you.”

  “What are you saying?” Cameron asked, his hands trembling where they held me. “Do you… are you saying you choose me?”

  I smiled, tears still blurring my vision as I nodded. “I choose you, Cameron.”

  He broke at my words, his arms crushing me in his grip as I leaned into him. He pulled back with his hands framing my face, his eyes searching mine like he didn’t believe me.

  “You choose me?”

  “I choose you,” I repeated. “Just like I did the night we made our vows, just like I should have done when we faced our first challenge. The truth is, you make me forget I even have a choice at all. Like the writer who cannot live without th
e reader, and the rose that cannot exist without the rain, I am bound to you, to your love, and I cannot go on without it.”

  Cameron blinked, a new set of tears racing down in the trail made by the first.

  “It’s you,” I said. “It always has been, it always will be, and from this moment on, I will choose you. Every day, every minute, every second of my life.” My voice broke as I cried, but I didn’t fight against the emotion. “If you will let me, if you will choose me, too — then I am yours forever, and I will love you the same.”

  He laughed, pressing his lips to mine as he shook his head. “As if I have a choice. As if I ever did after the moment I first met you.”

  Cameron kissed me harder, his entire body surrounding me, arms pulling me close like he was afraid I’d disappear if he didn’t root me to him.

  “I can’t explain how I feel right now,” he said between kisses. “I believed in my heart that you would come home to me, but after last night, I knew nothing for sure. The longer I packed, the more I waited for you to come, the more I thought you wouldn’t. I don’t deserve you,” he said, pulling back to frame my face again. His eyes flicked between mine. “But I will spend the rest of my life making you happy. I promise you that.”

  I wrapped my arms around him, resting my cheek on his shoulder as he squeezed me tight.

  “I’m so sorry, Cameron,” I whispered. “I’m sorry for hurting you, for walking out on you, for finding comfort in the arms of someone else. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you. But I want you, and I will do whatever I can to be the woman who does deserve your love.”

  Cameron pulled back, brows bending together. “What about Reese?”

  My throat constricted at the thought of him, at the memory of his heart breaking in front of me just hours before.

  “He will always be a part of my life,” I said. “And he’s broken. I hurt him, just as we have hurt each other.”

  “You told him already?”

  I nodded. “And he understands. As much as he can, anyway.”