The Smoking Bun (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 10)

by Chelsea Thomas

  “You mean…” Teeny began. “You weren’t always, uh, monogamous?”

  “That’s right. We had what the kids call an ‘open relationship.’ Buck was allowed to have all the fun he wanted with any girl he liked. It never bothered me. And the same was true in the opposite direction. See, I’m what you call a true feminist? I never allowed a man to possess me and I’ve never expected to possess a man. That’s not to say the men and women with whom we sometimes had relations couldn’t get possessive. Some of Buck’s girlfriends were very possessive, in fact. If I were you, I would talk to some of them.”

  “Excuse us for a second.” I pulled Miss May away and turned my back to Hannah so she wouldn’t hear me speak. “The woman who found Rebecca’s body must have been one of Buck’s girlfriends.”

  “Seems likely,” said Miss May. “That girl also had brown hair. Just like the hair we saw in the brush.”

  Hannah cleared her throat. “Anything you have to say you can say in front of me. I’m being honest with you and I expect the same in return.”

  “Sorry. I was just telling Miss May that I have a doctor’s appointment later and I didn’t want to forget. It’s a serious medical issue. Pinky toe problems. Everyone says you don’t need those little guys but let me tell you… You do. I hope I don’t have to get mine amputated. But something is definitely up with it. The left one. Maybe a fungus?”

  Hannah curled her lip. “That’s disgusting. Stop talking about your pinky toe fungus.”

  “Sorry. I’m just…nervous. About amputation. I mean, if it’s not a fungus… maybe it’s gangrene. Gout? Who knows? I’m just theorizing. I’ll stop.”

  “OK, Chelsea,” said Teeny. “That’s good. You’ve got a funky pinky toe. Let’s get back to this open relationship thing. Did that really work?”

  “Sure,” said Hannah. “Until it didn’t. But plenty of ‘closed’ relationships don’t work either.”

  “I could never do it,” said Teeny. “It’s hard enough managing one relationship. And men are so annoying. Listen, I’m lucky I found Big Dan. He’s great. But there’s only one of him. How do you even find enough guys you like? I mean, most of ‘em are smelly deadbeats, you know?”

  “I managed,” Hannah said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work.”

  I looked around at the empty restaurant. I couldn’t imagine we were keeping Hannah from anything important.

  “One more question,” said Miss May.

  Hannah crossed her arms. “Quickly, please. I’m busy.”

  “If you were fine with Buck seeing other women…” Miss May began. “Can I ask… Why did you separate?”

  Hannah threw up her hands. “Why does anyone separate? We were bored with each other. We stopped making each other laugh. I had begun to dread kissing him good night or giving him a hug in the morning. And the sight of his beer belly somehow transformed from a cute feature to a hideous paunch I abhorred.”

  Miss May turned down the sides of her mouth. “OK. You are being honest.”

  “You’ve never been there in a relationship?” Hannah asked. “Where you just… don’t see what you saw before?”

  “I have.” Teeny raised her hand. “I’ve been there in lots of relationships. Possibly every relationship I’ve ever had ended with me hating the sight of some guy’s gut. Well, that and I had an unfortunate attraction to magicians for a while that just didn’t work out.”

  “Great,” said Hannah. “And Chelsea, I heard you haven’t always been lucky in love, either.”

  “I was left at the altar so, yeah, you could say that was unlucky. And my fiancé stole my whole business. And he broke my heart like a piece of wood over his knee in karate class. But you know. I’m over it.”

  “See?” said Hannah. “I’m just a woman like all three of you. You may not believe this, but Buck’s death hasn’t been easy on me. Yeah, we had started to bother each other in a million little ways. And big ones. But a lot of love remained between us and I miss him.”

  I could tell Hannah was telling the truth. But I still didn’t know if we could trust her. Still, there wasn’t much more to say, so the three of us trudged back to the truck with our heads hung low. Had we pushed Hannah too far? Or had we not gone far enough? Hard to say and I wasn’t sure we’d ever find out.

  Petey caught up to us just before we climbed into the truck. “Chelsea! Miss May! Hold up!”

  We turned back. Miss May scrunched up her nose. “Petey. How can we help you?”

  “I heard what you all were talking about with Hannah.”

  “OK…” Miss May said.

  “She was telling the truth. Hannah and Buck had an open relationship. Wide open. That thing was like the Grand Canyon. Buck was slimy about it, for sure. He was always hitting on the waitresses here. But Hannah was never bothered by Buck’s affairs.”

  “Why are you telling us this?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I thought it might help.” Petey sighed. “If you don’t find this killer soon, I’m going to go out of business.”

  Miss May put her hand on Petey’s elbow. “I know how that goes. But don’t worry. We’ll find the bad guy and people will come back. I promise.”

  Petey nodded and returned to the restaurant. I watched him go and couldn’t help but wonder…

  Would Miss May be able to keep that promise? Or would this killer disappear and take Petey’s successful business with them?

  39

  Open and Shut

  We went to Grandma’s to grab a quick lunch and discuss our conversation with Hannah.

  We arrived at the restaurant and Teeny’s mom, Granny, was sitting on her normal stool, fast asleep with her chin on her chest.

  “How does your mom sleep while sitting on a stool?” I asked.

  “She has a strong core. All the doctors tell her. The woman has a four pack and she’s like a million years old.”

  “I don’t have any packs and I’m less than a quarter of that age,” I said. “What’s her workout secret?”

  Teeny shook her head. “No idea. Maybe she developed the muscles from all these years sleeping upright in the stool.”

  “I do chair yoga,” said Teeny’s mom, blinking herself awake and sitting up in the stool. “I’ve told you, Teeny, chair yoga is the answer to all your exercise needs.”

  “I walked all the way from the orchard to the restaurant a few days ago,” said Miss May.

  “Let’s see your abs,” said the little old lady.

  “I’m going to need a lot of time or a lot of surgery before anybody sees anything like abs,” said Miss May.

  “OK, Mama. We’re working on a case. Go back to sleep. Or you know, maybe do something to run the restaurant.” Granny waved Teeny off, and Teeny bounced away like a teenage girl after talking to her mom. “Come on. Let’s grab our booth.”

  I smiled as I followed Teeny. It was nice to think of her as a teenager, bopping around Pine Grove with her signature blonde hair. The thought of it made me forget the murders for a second. But only for a second.

  “Alright,” I said as soon as we sat. “Let’s talk about this open relationship thing.”

  “I don’t know if it’s gonna work for you and Germany,” Teeny said. “And Wayne doesn’t seem like he’d love it either.”

  “I don’t want an open relationship,” I said. “I’m talking about Buck, Hannah and Rebecca. Remember? The dead guy, his wife and his recently deceased lover?”

  “Right,” said Teeny. “But hold on! First, I’ve got a new menu item that I need the two of you to try.”

  I scanned the menu but didn’t see anything. Miss May did the same then looked up and shrugged. “I’m stumped. What did you add?”

  “Look at the very bottom.”

  I traced my finger all the way to the bottom of the menu and there I found a listing for the new item. A lobster roll with truffle oil and “fancy mushrooms.”

  I shook my head. “Teeny. You’re still trying to compete with Land and Sea in
the gourmet food market? Grandma’s isn’t that kind of place. And Petey’s is suffering. The chef who stole your hashbrown lasagna is dead.”

  “So what? That doesn’t mean I can’t be better than him!” Teeny flagged down a waiter. “Two of the lobster, truffle, mushroom things please.”

  “Where did you get the lobster?” Miss May asked.

  “Don’t worry about it,” said Teeny. “It’s fresh and delicious.”

  “I also see here that the lobster roll is served with something called ‘fancy’ mushrooms,” said Miss May. “What do you mean by ‘fancy?’”

  “They’re fancy. I don’t know. They all had long, confusing, fancy names. I don’t have room for all those names on the menu so I wrote fancy. Do you not know what fancy means? Fine, forget it. I’ll cancel the lobster rolls. Is that what you want?”

  “No,” said Miss May with widened eyes, “it’s fine. I’m sorry for questioning your food. I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Good.” Teeny fidgeted with the silverware in front of her. “Now we can talk about the open relationship thing. And I have to say, I’m a bit of an expert on this topic.”

  “Don’t tell me,” said Miss May, “you learned about open relationships on Jenna and Mr. Flowers.”

  Teeny looks disgusted. “Of course not. Jenna and Mr. Flowers is a polite British show. It’s sweet and clean and monogamous to its core. I learned about open relationships on The North Port Diaries.”

  I laughed. “I haven’t heard you mention that show in forever. Wow. You used to love it.”

  “I still love it. But I can love other shows, too. I have an open relationship with my mystery series, that’s all. Anyway, in North Port Diaries every single relationship is open. The people in town insist that they can handle the complications. They all say that they’re so attractive they deserve as many significant others as they can handle. But let me tell you… That system is flawed. It just doesn’t work out. And it often leads to murder, intrigue, mystery, suspicion, all that juicy stuff.”

  “So you think Hannah was lying to us,” I said. “You think the open relationship was a problem.”

  “No,” said Teeny. “Seems like she was being honest about all that. Plus, Petey backed her up and that kid can’t lie to save his life.”

  “Petey lied to us earlier in this investigation about firing Buck,” said Miss May.

  “OK, fine,” Teeny said. “But that was more of an omission. And he wasn’t lying this time. I could tell.”

  “So what’s your theory?” I asked.

  “It’s obvious.” Teeny filled our water glasses from a pitcher on the table. “Hannah didn’t get jealous and snap. The other girlfriend did. The girl who ‘found’ Rebecca’s body. Seems to me that girl murdered Buck, probably because Buck had even more girlfriends. And then she murdered Rebecca. She seemed like a cinnamon bun baker to me. Cute but deadly.”

  “That all seems like it could be true,” I said. “But we don’t know anything about that girl. Flanagan wouldn’t even tell us her name. Plus, she’s not from around here, so she could be anywhere now. What if she drove down twice a week from Massachusetts for a fling with Buck Johnson? People do crazy stuff like that. Affairs make them feel alive. The more inconvenient, the better. And if that’s the case, we’re never going to find her.”

  “Since when are you an expert on affairs?” asked Miss May.

  I blushed. “I’m not. But I’ll admit, I’ve seen a few episodes of The North Port Diaries.”

  Teeny clapped her hands together in her energetic little golf claps. “I knew it. I can’t believe you kept this from me! We could’ve been watching together. Like people did for that dragon show. A watch party.”

  “Sure, that sounds great,” I said. “But right now I’m wondering if either of you have an answer to our current problem. How are we going to find out the identity of that woman with nothing to go on?”

  “You said it yourself,” said Miss May. “The police have her information.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “So…”

  Miss May grinned. “So it seems to me you need to visit everybody’s favorite handsome detective.”

  40

  The Doggone Truth

  I smiled.

  Amy’s dog grooming van was parked in front of the police department. A line of canine cops waited by the van to be groomed, accompanied by their appointed officers. And most of the dogs were wagging their official police tails.

  I spotted a rotund, unkempt officer near the front of the line and had the somewhat unkind thought that Amy should take care of his grooming issues, too.

  Amy’s perky, official voice rang out from inside the van. “OK, Officer Spot. Now we’re going to do your tummy. Roll over. Good boy! Here’s a treat.”

  I laughed. It was nice to see that Amy had scored the business of the local police department. And I was looking forward to seeing well-groomed, preppy little cop dogs parading around Pine Grove, keeping the peace.

  I had to awkwardly excuse my way through the line of police officers on my way into the station. But Amy caught up to me before we went inside. “Chelsea, hey. How’s Steve the dog? Are you happy with his cut?”

  “Ecstatic,” I said. “You transformed Steve from tramp to champ.”

  “That’s my job!” She leaned in and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. “What’s going on with the case? Are you here to sleuth out some police secrets? I’ve been talking to these officers and their dogs all day. I swear some of the pups are smarter than the cops.”

  “Have you heard anyone discussing a possible murder in Blue Mountain?”

  Amy shook her head. “Nope. But I’ll keep my ears peeled. I think all the time I spend working with dogs has given me dog-like hearing, for what it’s worth. And I have catlike reflexes. Next time I see you, remind me to tell you about the time I caught someone stealing a breastmilk pump out of my friend’s car. Who steals a breastmilk pump? Turns out there’s a big secondhand market for new mothers. Baby stuff is so expensive, I get it. But you can’t steal one from a new mom herself. Then what? She goes to pump and she’s stuck with no options? Not cool. Anyway, good luck in there.”

  Amy bustled away as quickly as she’d appeared and I laughed as I heard her addressing the next dog, Officer Rover. As I entered the police station, I wondered if she was talking to the dog or the man…

  Wayne was working the front desk on that day. I don’t know if it was the light, or his perfect level of stubble, but his jawline was looking extra strong. When he glanced up at me his blue-green eyes seemed two shades brighter than usual, like they were staring right through me. I froze in the x-ray beam of his eye contact for what felt like the entirety of “I Will Always Love You,” by Whitney Houston. Then I heard a dog barking outside and snapped back to reality. “Wayne. Hey. Cool shirt.”

  Wayne looked down. “This is my standard issue police shirt.”

  “Yeah. It’s cool. I’ve always thought it. They should sell those in the store. I bet they’d fly off the shelves. Like how snowbirds fly out of New York and head to Florida in the winter. Is your grandma still with us?”

  Chelsea. Stop talking. Get a grip. Why are you bringing up grandmothers!?

  “She is, actually,” said Wayne with a little smile. “As a matter of fact, she’s down in Boca. Spends most of her time on the shuffleboard court. I think she hustles people for cash, she’s a real shark. Either that, or she’s going on dates. Some swinging singles scene down there. I don’t know how she has the energy. Sleeps five hours a night, at most. Jogs every morning. Incredible woman. I hope I’m like her one day.”

  “Going on lots of dates?” I couldn’t keep my inner flirt contained. I blushed. Did I just embarrass myself?

  “There’s only one girl I want to date.”

  Was it possible that Wayne’s gaze was actually burning a hole in my face?

  “Right. Uh, well that’s not why I’m here… To talk about dating. I can’t talk about any of that right now. I’m he
re because I need a favor. Do you have a break coming up or anything?”

  Wayne checked his watch. “I could take one right now.”

  Wayne and I exited the police station and walked toward the ice cream shop across the street. Wayne ordered a milkshake, but I was still full from my coffee milkshake earlier. So I asked for a literal cherry with a little laugh. The proprietor, Emily, generously gave me two.

  Then Wayne and I sat at one of the tables and talked.

  “So what’s up?” Wayne asked.

  “Um…” I was about to launch into my question about the identity of the girl that found Rebecca’s body. But I spotted a mischievous glimmer in Wayne’s eyes and decided I needed to be more tactful. It would be a bad idea to jump right into a discussion of the mysterious girl without a little small talk to ease into the conversation.

  “Um what?” asked Wayne.

  “Sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.” I let out a throaty, guttural chuckle in my nervousness. It sounded to me like a distant, unattractive cousin of the girlish giggle. And Wayne looked confused.

  “Are you OK, Chelsea?”

  Honestly, no. I had started to sweat profusely and it wasn’t a good look. But I didn’t say that. Instead, I nodded like a bobblehead doll on a bumpy road.

  “Look, I heard Germany’s back in town…” Wayne said. “Is that why you’re here? You want to talk about that?”

  “Yes,” I lied, grateful for a conversational escape hatch. “Um… You’re my closest guy friend and I thought maybe you could give me some advice.” As the words exited my mouth I cringed.

  What was I doing? Did I actually think this age-old tactic would work on Wayne? And had I really just called him my ‘guy friend?’

  Wayne leaned forward. “Hey. I’m always here to talk.”

  Oh my goodness, it worked! …which meant I was going to have to say more things. “Thank you. Well, Germany’s back in town, which has been nice. But I’ve been running all over the place trying to figure out what happened to Buck and Rebecca. And I feel like I haven’t gotten to spend enough time with him.”