Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4)

by Langtry, Leslie

  I figured that he was implying the U.S., because who the hell cares about a big star in Canada? The girl giggled and oops, will you look at that? Her dress strap accidentally slipped from her shoulder.

  Julie cleared her throat obnoxiously and Alan froze when he saw us, looking like a kid who got caught with his whole arm in the cookie jar.

  “Julie, could I see you for a moment please?” His voice was strained and I couldn’t help but giggle. As a group, we followed her.

  “Guys,” Alan started, smearing barbecue pork-stained fingers on a napkin. He had a big glob of it on his face. We didn’t tell him. “Just Julie, okay?”

  Sami shook her head. “I don’t fucking think so, you bastard. It’s torture enough being here. Might at least have a little goddamned fun.”

  Ernie shouldered his camera and whispered, “Don’t worry. I’ll catch it. I’ll share it with you if you give me a little footage of you performing one of your miracles later.” I winked my response and he followed the two off into the jungle.

  The second they were out of sight, the Ottawa tribe scrambled for the buffet table. Without a word we stuffed as much food as we could into our bags. To my surprise, Silas scooped up enough beer for us to get pretty drunk later. I guessed he was getting sick of the show too. Either that or they’d had a kegger at the surrender at Appomattox.

  We were all seated and looking innocent when Alan returned, barbeque glob still on his face. Julie looked seriously pissed. Ernie was grinning. I guess we could add entertainment to the booze and food later.

  “Will the Inuit Tribe please enter the tribal council area?” Alan boomed, raising his arms like he was some kind of god.

  One by one, the other team filed in, looking at us with surprise, and horror at the luau going on around them. Several of the resort guests dragged chairs over, with full plates on their laps.

  “Inuit,” Alan intoned, staring not at the team, but at the bimbo in the audience. The lump of sauce on his face quivered respectfully. “You lost the immunity challenge. Therefore, you have to vote off one of your members.” He pointed dramatically at them and his voice got even louder. “One of you will be going home tonight.”

  “Kit,” Alan said. “You’ve spent these first few days without food or drinkable water. How are you feeling?”

  Kit sniffled. “Well, Alan, it’s pretty hard, you know?” She looked at our host – who in turn, looked pissed off that she’d used his first name. Then she burst into tears. “I can’t get voted off! Not tonight! I’ve been the first one voted off two other reality shows! Please, please, please, don’t vote for me!” the leggy brunette pleaded with her teammates.

  The resort guests stared at her, eyes wide open, and filling their mouths with food. I hoped they’d get trichinosis.

  “Um, okay.” Alan squirmed (which made me happy). “Brick. How about you?”

  Brick turned in his seat toward the camera and stared at it thoughtfully for a moment. Or at least, acting like he was staring thoughtfully at it. I noticed Moe rolling his eyes and smiled.

  “Being stranded, here in paradise, with only the simplest of needs met, I find that I – Brick Phoenix – am like a child lost among the tempest storm of life. . .itself.” He frowned at the camera, then turned back to Alan – who looked a little shaken.

  “Liliana?” Our host squeaked.

  This Inuit member rose to her feet, startling everyone else. “My body is my art. Food and water, are the mediums I use to sustain my art. Without these tools, my body will no longer be art.” She sat down dramatically.

  I was starting to think everyone on Inuit had some form of heatstroke. Alan didn’t seem to know how to respond to any of this.

  “I think it sucks.” Moe raised his hand and said before being asked. He reminded me of the character of Ed in Shaun of the Dead. “Especially with the resort so close by. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to win the $25,000.”

  What? We were playing for only twenty-five thousand dollars? The other show at least gave you one million dollars if you won. These poor bastards were playing for practically nothing! My empathy level spiked for Inuit and I cursed Canada.

  “I think what you have here is our struggle with our inner selves.” Dr. Andy piped up, using his hands as he spoke. Obviously he thought it gave him more of a stage presence. He was an African-American Dr. Phil wannabe. “In living so primitively, we are literally starving the part of our ego that demands entitlement. It’s very therapeutic when you look at it that way.”

  I could have used some therapy. I wish I could have talked to Dr. Andy right now about my problem. Of course, I couldn’t – but there was something comforting in knowing he was right there.

  Bob seemed to realize he was the only one who hadn’t spoken, so he threw in his two cents. No politician could stay quiet for long, but I wasn’t surprised he’d waited to get in the last word. “I suggest that no matter what, we do this democratically, for the right reasons. I see no reason why we have to get political about this. That’s just partisan politics.”

  Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Now that I saw that the Inuit team had all been recruited from the “short bus,” I didn’t feel so bad about what I was dealing with.

  “Just go vote!” Alan shouted. He was very flustered. I wished I had some popcorn. The kind with movie theater butter. I love that. No salt though because if you salt the top half you end up drinking most of your pop, which means you’ll have to go to the bathroom every five minutes and for what you pay for ticket prices these days you might as well just go home. . .

  “Now I’ll tally up the votes.” Alan stated loudly, regaining some of his composure. Gee. That went fast. How long was I thinking about popcorn?

  Kit burst into a fresh round of tears as if anticipating the inevitable as Alan opened the large clay pot and pulled out the first vote.

  He lifted the first slip of parchment out and read, “Kit. The first vote is for Kit.”

  Kit immediately added loud sobs.

  “The second vote is for Liliana.” Alan said. “One vote for Kit, one for Liliana.”

  He reached in and pulled out the third slip. “Bob. One vote for Kit, one for Liliana and one for Bob.”

  Kit howled. My guess was that it just hurt having been the first vote and hearing it over and over again.

  “The fourth vote is for. . .” Alan frowned as he read the paper. “Dr. Andy. One vote for Kit. One vote Liliana. One vote for Bob. One vote for Dr. Andy.”

  Julie was turning a little green at the gills. I guessed she didn’t like the suspense. But I figured it wasn’t hurting the show to drag it out to the last vote.

  “Brick received the fifth vote.” Alan looked pretty worried as he again parroted the vote so far. Really, there only needed to be one more vote for any of those names and they’d be out of the game.

  “And the last vote is for,” beads of sweat broke out on Alan’s forehead. “Moe? Are you joking?”

  We just stared in shock. No one had been voted off. Everyone had received one vote. What were the odds of that happening?

  “Do you even know how to play this game?” Alan shrieked at Inuit. “You’re supposed to form alliances! This kind of crap isn’t supposed to happen!”

  I started laughing. Lex squeezed my knee (which is very close to you-know-what). Isaac winked and Sami whispered a “goddamn.”

  “All right!” Julie took charge with the ease of a storm trooper. “We’ll just have to vote again!” She pointed at Moe and he slowly rose to go to the ballot box.

  “You’re out of paper,” he said simply.

  We all looked over and true enough – there was no more paper. Obviously, there was no backup plan.

  “Will this work?” A cabana boy threw a resort stationery pad at Alan. I noticed with a start that the resort audience had doubled in size. Kind of like that scene in The Birds where Tippi Hedren is sitting on a bench outside the school? And with each puff of her cigarette, more birds landed until she turned around and found the
monkey bars coated with crows? Kind of like that.

  Julie handed the hotel stationary to Moe and he wrote down his vote. One by one, everyone went up to cast their vote.

  “Now, I’ll read the votes.” Alan pulled the whole handful out of the jar and flipped through them, reading as he went. “Kit,” causing Kit to start wailing again, “Moe, Liliana, Bob, Brick, Dr. Andy, goddamn it! You did it again!” He slammed the lid of the jar to the ground, causing it to splinter into a million pieces.

  So, we watched as Inuit voted two more times, each time, each person (starting with Kit every time for some strange reason) received one vote and no one was voted off.

  At first I thought it was some very clever strategy on Inuit’s part to avoid losing a teammate. And then I thought they were each writing their own name down in hopes of being voted off and hitting the buffet. But as we went on, the looks of complete surprise and frustration on their faces (especially Kit’s) led me to believe they really warranted that short bus.

  “That’s it!” Alan’s face was turning red. “I’m thinking of a number between one and twenty.”

  Julie turned toward him, stunned. “Surely you’re not going to just have them guess a number!”

  I don’t know – it sounded pretty smart to me. I was getting sick of sitting in the hot sun with a bag of food hidden under my chair probably breeding all kinds of nasty bacteria.

  “Yes, I am!” Alan stamped his foot. He pointed at Kit first (I guess it just seemed automatic at this point) and shouted for her to choose a number.

  “Um,” Kit choked back a sob. “Nineteen?”

  One by one, the six of them told Alan a number.

  “Ha!” Alan’s frown turned into a creepy-looking grin. “It was seven! Bob is the first person vot. . .I mean removed from Survival. Now bring me your damn torch and we’re done.”

  Bob stood and nodded to the team, then walked his torch over to Alan.

  “Yadda, yadda, yadda.” Alan babbled as he doused the man’s torch. “Bob, the tribe has spoken.”

  Julie escorted Bob off the set and into the main resort building, where I guessed she was checking him into a room. Lucky Bastard. We were still sitting there when he came outside with a grin and loaded up his plate at the buffet.

  “The rest of you go back to your camps. Tomorrow we will have another challenge.” Alan had regained some of his professionalism, but I thought I saw a spark of madness around the eyes. The blonde had disappeared and the barbeque glob had fallen and smeared down the length of his white, linen shirt.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “Even a poisonous snake isn’t bad. You just have to keep away from the sharp end.”

  - Narrator, The Gods Must Be Crazy

  “That was a hell of a thing,” Sami muttered through a mouthful of fruit.

  Everyone nodded as we sat on the beach eating our contraband food. Silas managed to hide a bottle of beer for each of us and we were all feeling pretty mellow. For a second I thought about my glaucoma stash on Santa Muerta.

  “At least we have this,” Isaac raised his banana-leaf plate.

  Lex nodded. “I still can’t believe Julie didn’t notice us walking out of the pool area leaking barbeque sauce.”

  I elbowed him gently in the ribs. “She’s too concerned about the non-vote and Alan’s extra-curricular activities.” For a moment, I wondered if Julie was in love with Alan. Then I threw up in my mouth and the feeling was over.

  “Do you think we should do that when we go to Tribal Council?” Cricket chirped.

  Everyone laughed and we continued eating. I was feeling all warm and gooey – like marshmallow crème. At one point, Sami and I volunteered to get more kindling.

  “Why are you here?” Sami asked me once we were too far away to be overheard.

  I shrugged. “It seemed like something to do.” My family set me up to knock off Isaac just didn’t have the right ring to it.

  “How about you?”

  Sami coughed and I heard her thoughts rattle around in her chest. She may not be smoking anymore but the damage was done.

  “I know you think I lead this fucking glamorous life as a traveling electrician…” She politely paused as I giggled. “But behind the tiaras and French champagne was a woman who screamed for a fucked-up adventure.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. It was just like that for me too. I couldn’t believe my luck to get a crusty Civil War junkie and psychotic camp counselor in the same deal.”

  Sami looked off into the ocean. “Well, I guess we’re on the same goddamned page. Hell, we’re practically twins.”

  “Oh yes,” I added. “Definitely separated from birth.”

  Neither of us spoke for a moment.

  “Fact is,” Sami said quietly, “I’m getting too old for this shit. I could use the money before some health problems force me to retire before my time.”

  I was stunned. It never occurred to me that Sami would open up about anything. Her trust in me almost made me tell her I was an assassin. Almost. Okay, I never really came close, but the conversation touched me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, not really knowing what to say.

  She shook her head. “Jesus Christ, I’ve said too much already, bitch!” A sad smile tugged at the heavily lined corners of her mouth.

  “Did you say something?” I feigned. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.”

  Sami laughed and clapped me on the back. “Shit. Let’s get outta here. I’m sure Lex is waiting for you.”

  I looked at her quizzically. “What do you mean?”

  “Aw, fuck. Everyone knows he’s hot for you. Don’t give me any bullshit because you know it too.”

  We headed back to camp and I realized Lex and I hadn’t been as cautious as we thought. Oh well. It didn’t really matter in the end.

  After the food was gone, everyone started to get ready for bed. Tomorrow would be another challenge and we didn’t want to go down like the other team did. The cameramen never did show up. Maybe they had more to film at the other camp, or perhaps they blended in at the luau for some ill-gotten time off.

  Lex and I took a moonlit stroll along the beach. As he held my hand, I thought this couldn’t be more perfect. Well, except for being on the show and having to kill Isaac. . .

  He sat down in the sand, pulling me down beside him. “I talked to Isaac and Sami about forming an alliance with us. They both thought it was a good idea.”

  A Bombay forming an alliance with her Vic. Now, that had to be a first.

  I nodded. “That’s good. What do you think about the other team? Anyone there look like a prospect?”

  Lex stared out at the ocean for a moment before responding. “No. They all looked like they were nuts.”

  “I’ll agree to that.”

  The two of us sat there for a moment, listening to the surf pound the shore. I really liked Lex. I mean really, really liked him. My mind turned to that scene in “From Here to Eternity” where the couple make out, rolling around in the surf. That would be awesome. Of course, then we’d be covered in seaweed, choking on saltwater and digging sand out of various crevices for days. I guess it didn’t sound that romantic when you put it that way.

  “Any guesses on tomorrow’s challenge?” I steered the subject clear.

  “I don’t know. Could be anything really. These guys don’t seem to have a clue. For all we know we could be playing shuffleboard at the resort.”

  I scratched the side of my nose. “That would suck. I’m no good at shuffleboard.”

  “What are you good at?”

  I thought about that for a moment. I mean, there’s only so much I could tell him. I’m great at killing people using nothing more than a rectal thermometer and sunflower seeds – that would probably be more than Lex wanted to know.

  “I’m good at thinking outside the box,” I answered truthfully. Technically I wasn’t lying.

  “Yes, I’ve seen some of your work.” He laughed. “Is that what you are passionate a
bout?”

  “What do you mean?” What did he mean?

  “Well, is that what you’ve always wanted to do – invent stuff? Fit a square peg into a round hole?”

  “Actually, I can do that. And yes, I guess it is my passion.” It surprised me that I’d never really thought about it before. Being creative and inventing things were just in my blood. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

  Lex said, “You look confused.”

  “No. Not really,” I lied. “I guess I just never had a dream about doing one big thing. I just love inventing.”

  He looked at me for a moment. “There isn’t something you’d like to do with your talents? Invent the perfect mousetrap?”

  I laughed uneasily. “I guess not.” It always bothered me a little that my inventions would go unrecognized by the world due to the highly secretive nature of the Bombay family business, but I wasn’t about to say that. “What about you? Any lofty goals for your life?”

  Lex shook his head. “I don’t have it all together like you. Maybe I never will. My biggest goal would probably be just to find happiness. That’s all that really seems to matter.”

  Damn, he had me there. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted in life? Sure, some people wanted fame and fortune. But this gorgeous hunk of man just wanted to be happy. How cool was that?

  “There is one thing we both seem to be good at.” He grinned and leaned toward me.

  My lips met his and oooh la la! As Lex’s arms slid around me I chastised myself for going all these years without a man. I’d been around a little since Rudy died, but it wasn’t nearly as good as this.

  My hands were just sliding up his nice, muscular arms when we heard shouting down the beach.

  I wanted to ignore it until I recognized the word, ‘help’ being screamed over and over. Lex and I jumped up and ran down the beach toward camp.

  Imagine our surprise when we found our shelter in flames. Sami tossed water onto the fire while Silas and Isaac were trying to beat it out with giant leaves. I snatched up a couple of empty coconut halves and raced toward the sea while Lex joined the other men. For a moment I realized that Cricket was nowhere to be seen.