All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “You look like a pretzel,” Mo had said.

  Without catching herself, Kate voiced her first thought out loud: “You volunteering to help?”

  “I think I’ll keep watching you try for a while.”

  “What a friend.” Kate had held out the aloe and Mo reached for it, chuckling.

  Maybe it was the rum or maybe it was that she was tired of guessing how Mo felt, but for whatever reason, Kate took off her shirt. She was wearing a lacy black bra and Mo’s gaze immediately dropped to her cleavage. The look of desire was obvious.

  Kate turned her back to Mo, her heart racing. She pulled her hair over one shoulder and reminded herself to breathe. “Right in the middle. Apparently I couldn’t reach it with the sunscreen either.”

  “Yeah, there’s a red spot.”

  Mo’s voice sounded different. Unsteady. But Kate couldn’t see her eyes. Had she imagined Mo’s desire?

  As soon as Mo touched her skin with the cool aloe, she moaned. The sound slipped out, but she hadn’t tried to hold it in either. “That feels good.”

  “Straight girls are easy,” Mo joked.

  Kate turned then and closed the distance to Mo’s lips. Before their lips met, however, Mo had shot up from the sofa.

  She stood there, stock-still, with the aloe in her hand and a confused expression on her face. Kate recalled her own awkward joke about how easy it was to scare lesbians, but she knew they both understood what had happened. She had tried to kiss Mo, and no matter what she’d thought, it was clear that Mo wasn’t interested.

  Kate spent the rest of that trip berating herself and avoiding any alone time with Mo. Too many times Mo had complained about straight drunk girls trying to come on to her and from her perspective, Kate had done just that. She could have tried to explain then that she wasn’t drunk. Or straight. Late to the party, yes, but not straight. She’d only made things worse by pretending that what she’d done, or tried to do, was nothing important.

  Besides all that, Mo was with Tanya and she’d never cheat. Kate had put her in a terrible position and then tried to laugh it off. She’d never been more embarrassed.

  Hawaii set off a chain of events that only partially had anything to do with the near-kiss. When they got back, Tanya broke up with Mo—accusing her of cheating with a surfer girl Mo had met—and Kate ended things with Ethan. Although she’d loved him in a way, she’d finally realized that what she felt wasn’t enough. She’d never connected with him the way she connected with Mo, and no matter who she married, she needed to feel that.

  She came out to her parents the same day. When her mom had asked how long she’d been attracted to women, while in the same breath swearing that it couldn’t be true because she hadn’t been raised that way, Kate hadn’t been able to come up with an answer.

  Her feelings for women had always been there, but she’d tried to fight them. Saying that she simply enjoyed close friendships with women had made sense in college. She’d been attracted to men as well. When she’d considered that she might be bisexual, she’d told herself that she didn’t need another reason to be in counseling. Her list of issues was already a mile long.

  She’d considered telling Mo everything then. How the attraction had always been there, but she’d fought it… But Mo could have anyone. She didn’t need someone with a mountain of baggage.

  Kate stared at the clock. In two hours, her alarm would go off so she could make it to the gym for a workout before her morning meeting. She reached over and turned off the alarm. There was no chance she was going to make it to the gym. It wasn’t only the ice cream and the wine—one dinner with Mo and she was as sick with longing as she’d ever been.

  The evening had reminded her of all the little things she’d missed—like the way Mo smelled. She had had to stop herself from leaning close more than once. And the sound of her voice. And her smile. God, her smile.

  No matter what Mo’s reasons had been for avoiding the kiss in Hawaii, Kate knew that there was chemistry between them. The way Mo had looked at her when they’d said goodbye at Mario’s made her certain that was still true.

  Kate stared at the computer screen. Instead of pulling up her work email account, she went to the resort website that Julia had mentioned. A picture of turquoise water sparkled under a sun-filled blue sky. The sandy beach was perfectly smooth, and the resort was lined on either side by dense tropical forest. She typed in the dates and waited for a list of available rooms to pop up. An image of a thatched roof bungalow with white stucco walls flashed on the screen. Clicking through the options, she found a bungalow with an ocean view and a private entry. Fortunately she had enough money to help her hormones out by picking a suite that would be far away from the others.

  Without second-guessing herself, she entered her credit card number and immediately hit the confirmation button. Now all that remained was buying a plane ticket. She’d have to call Julia to get everyone else’s flight information before she did that, however. She leaned back on the pillows. Mexico was probably a giant mistake. The last thing she needed was a repeat performance of Hawaii. But at least this time she knew enough to maintain physical distance from Mo. And with Julia and Reed’s family going, there’d be plenty of distractions.

  Peeves appeared in the doorway. He still looked sleepy and it was clear he was irritated that she was awake. He padded over to his pink bed and circled the space twice before flopping down.

  “Do you think I’m an idiot for going on this trip with her?”

  Peeves looked up at her and yawned. It was no ringing endorsement of her intelligence, but it wasn’t exactly an argument against her decision either.

  “You’re probably right. I’m making this into a big deal when it’s not.”

  Kate closed her laptop, switched off the light, and got out of bed. She walked down the hall past the living room and opened Mo’s old bedroom door. Mo had cleared out most of her things when they’d sublet the apartment. She was already spending most of her time at Chantal’s then anyway. All that remained was her bed, still made, and one nearly empty dresser. Kate knew that a few old T-shirts were in the top drawer because she’d checked.

  For a long minute, she stood in the doorway, her gaze searching for something she hadn’t seen the last time. She’d always been cautious of intruding in Mo’s space and had rarely gone into her room when they’d lived together. The hippie couple had also avoided this room apparently because the scent of patchouli was missing.

  Kate walked a few steps into the room, still wondering what she was doing, and then sat down on the bed. She picked up Mo’s old pillow and wrapped her arms around it. The faint scent of Mo’s hair product was still on the pillowcase. She breathed it in, chastising herself as she did.

  They’d shared the two-bedroom apartment since moving out of the dorms. Kate had the master, and Mo, since she’d mostly slept at her various girlfriends’ places over the years, had the smaller room opposite the kitchen. Months would go by when Mo never spent a day in the apartment, but there’d been nights when she was there. Kate thought of the handful of times she’d dared to knock on the bedroom door. They’d sat on the bed together and talked about their day or problems with whoever they were each dating at the time.

  She pictured Mo’s face, her eyes locked on hers as she’d held out the chicken panini. That was the moment Kate knew without a doubt that she was going to Mexico. She was ready to torture herself by spending a week with her even if it had to be only as friends.

  Kate slipped under the comforter and settled onto the cold sheets. She shivered, waiting for her body to heat the space. As soon as she was warm enough to stretch out, she slid her hand under her pajamas. She wasn’t surprised that she was already wet. That was all thanks to Mo. She didn’t have to think of her for long before her body responded.

  She pushed her pajamas down past her knees and shrugged off the comforter. The sensation of being exposed from the waist down in Mo’s old room, on sheets that still smelled vaguely of her, a
roused her even more.

  When she parted her thighs, the cool air kissed her wet folds. She licked her middle finger to moisten it again and then lazily circled her clit. As she touched herself, an old fantasy came to her—Mo alone in their dorm room taking a nap and Kate, for once brave, approaching the bed.

  Kate didn’t have to wake Mo in the fantasy. She’d been waiting for her, knew that she wanted her. Mo watched her get close and then moved over, making room for Kate to slip under the sheet that she’d held up. Mo was naked, her gorgeous body on full display.

  Kate imagined Mo reaching for her, imagined the hot kisses on her neck, as she spread her legs. She thrust her fingers inside but it was Mo that had entered her. Mo, pushing into her, taking what she wanted. Anything Mo asked, she’d do—roll onto her belly, go down on her knees… Each thought brought her orgasm closer. She squeezed her clit and climaxed with a sudden gasp. The fantasy ended the way it always did with Mo pulling her into an embrace after having her fill.

  A satisfying wave washed over her and her hips went slack. She dropped her hand to cover her exposed middle and then lay perfectly still, taking in the fact that she’d just masturbated on Mo’s old bed.

  The sound of a door’s creak made her whole body go from a wet noodle to a lightning rod. She pulled the blankets up to her chin before rolling onto her side. Eyeing the doorway, she spotted Peeves. His quizzical look made her bury her face in the pillow. At least he wouldn’t tell anyone her secrets.

  He wouldn’t tell—but she needed to. Kate accepted this as regret replaced the brief euphoria that the orgasm had given her. Why had she gone to the grocery store for the ice cream in the first place? All the years of being good had made her think she could control her problem. Before she got on the plane to Cozumel, she needed to talk to her therapist.

  Chapter Four

  “I’m sorry, senorita, but there is no reservation under that name.”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  “I’m afraid not.” The concierge’s smile was apologetic.

  Kate rubbed her temple. How was this happening? The trip had started out so well—maybe too well. She’d had no weird feelings when Mo had taken the seat next to hers on the plane and she’d almost relaxed as they’d chatted about work and Mo’s family. The emergency sessions with her therapist had paid off—the dose of trazadone before lift-off probably hadn’t hurt either.

  Then Reed had gone down on one knee in the middle of the flight to propose to Julia and nearly everyone on board had erupted in applause. In the rush of the moment, Mo had clasped Kate’s hand as she’d cheered. Everything had felt perfect and Kate had silently thanked the universe that Chantal wasn’t there.

  Karma must have heard. Their connecting flight got delayed, the airline lost her luggage, and now her room reservations had gone missing as well. If she’d been trying to look pathetic in front of Mo, she was doing a stellar job.

  “You could bunk with me,” Mo volunteered. “I’ve got a king-size bed. There’ll be plenty of room.”

  “That’s generous, Mo, but I made a reservation. I’m sure it’s a computer glitch.” Kate leveled her gaze on the concierge. “Try Katelyn instead of Kate. And the last name is Owens. O-W-E-N-S.”

  Although he raised his eyebrows, the concierge dutifully checked the screen again. At his headshake, Kate remembered the confirmation printout. She fished through her purse until she found it. “Here’s the number.”

  “Ah, that will help.” The concierge typed in the confirmation number, but seconds later his brow had furrowed.

  “What’s wrong?” Kate almost didn’t want to ask.

  “Your reservation was made for September 4th, not April 9th.” He clicked his tongue. “In Mexico, the day goes before the month.” He held up the printout and pointed to the date. “You reserved a room for seven nights beginning 4-9, not 9-4.”

  Kate stared at the dates, willing the numbers to change. How could she have made such a beginner’s mistake? She’d been traveling internationally since she was six years old. She’d spent weeks abroad every year. But then she remembered the night she’d made the reservation. Saying she had been distracted was an understatement.

  “This isn’t the first time this has happened,” the concierge continued. “Unfortunately, we are completely full at the moment…”

  “It’s fine. I’ll find a room at a different resort. I’m sure there’s plenty of options close by.”

  “It won’t be as much fun if we’re not all at the same resort,” Mo said. “Just share with me. You’re skinny and I sleep on my side. You’ll probably never know I’m there.”

  Yeah, right.

  “Besides, it’ll probably only take a night or two for another room to open up.” Mo looked to the concierge for confirmation.

  “Unfortunately, we’re fully booked until Sunday. But then I can offer you an upgrade to an oceanfront suite. That’s a very nice upgrade.”

  “Sunday’s five days from now.” Although the bigger problem was the nights. It was one thing sharing a room but the same bed? There had to be another option. “You’re sure there’s no room with two double beds that you could switch us to? Or what about a cot?”

  “No cots.” He clicked his tongue apologetically. “With Easter coming up, this week is one of our most popular times.”

  “Yeah, I’m aware.” Kate had tried to keep her tone in check, but from the way the concierge’s eyebrow raised, she knew he’d felt the spark of anger she’d let slip. This was her fault, not his. She quickly read the nametag pinned to his chest and said, “I’m sorry, Luis. It’s just been a long day already.”

  “It’ll be like we’re back in the dorms,” Mo said.

  Except in college they’d slept on opposite walls with a desk between them and Julia in the same room to stop Kate from doing something stupid. “I don’t feel right sleeping in the same bed. You’ve got a girlfriend…”

  “Chantal knows we’re only friends. She’ll be fine with it.”

  Not one of Mo’s past girlfriends would have been okay with this plan. And what about her own sanity? But it wasn’t like she couldn’t keep her hands off Mo.

  If only they’d decided on one of the big resorts finding another room wouldn’t be an issue. Julia and Reed had done the planning, though, and they’d wanted a smaller, family-oriented place. They were also the ones who’d insisted on scheduling the trip over spring break when the twins were off school. At the moment their little family was probably already splashing in the pool.

  “I’ll buy a deck of cards and we can stay up late playing Go Fish,” Mo said. “It’ll be fun.”

  “Two keys for the room then?” Luis looked hopeful.

  Mo bit her lower lip and waited. The habit was completely distracting only because whenever she did it, Kate couldn’t help but wonder what Mo’s lips would feel like against hers. Now was definitely the wrong time to be contemplating Mo’s lips.

  Maybe they could sleep in shifts. Or she could subtly place a line of pillows down the middle of the bed and hope Mo would wear pajamas. Fortunately there was plenty of room for two in a king-size bed.

  “Mo, I don’t know about this. Your girlfriend—”

  “Will understand,” Mo finished. “And you’d do the same for me.”

  If she kept fighting, Mo would guess the reason she was uncomfortable. “Okay, but I’m paying.” Kate slid her credit card across the counter.

  Mo handed Luis her credit card as well. “We’ll split the charges.”

  “You’re going to have to let me make this up to you.”

  “And you’re going to have to relax,” Mo returned. She grinned, “We’re on vacation.”

  Relaxing wasn’t on the menu if she was sharing Mo’s bed. Kate sighed. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. We’re going to have so much fun.”

  Fun. Well, that wasn’t the first word to come to mind. Kate looked away from the front desk and took in the surroundings for the first time. Past the lobby
was a courtyard and beyond this a sparkling pond. A huge fountain claimed the center of the courtyard with palms and flowering bushes around the periphery. Wicker sofas were set out under a canopy and brightly colored birds darted between the canopy and the trees, their songs mingling with the fountain spray.

  Kate had spent the weeks following their dinner at Mario’s agonizing over this trip. Sleeping with Mo every night was certainly going to complicate her plans to rebuild their friendship.

  “What are you thinking about?” Mo asked. “You look serious.”

  “I always look serious.”

  Mo chuckled. “You’re right. But we’re on vacation, remember?”

  Kate pointed to the bulletin board behind the concierge’s desk. “I wonder what the prize is for the Ping-Pong tournament.”

  “Ping-Pong?” The excitement in Mo’s voice was endearing. “Remember those game nights we used to have in the dorms? Julia was a master. Maybe we can all sign up for the tournament. I bet Julia can convince Reed. We can play teams. Although we probably won’t stand a chance against them.”

  Playing Ping-Pong with Mo would be innocent enough, but being on the same team was probably a bad idea. Kate scanned the other activities listed on the board. If she planned it out, she could fill her days with everything from exploring Mayan ruins to scuba diving to evening dance classes.

  “Or what about salsa classes?” Mo said, her gaze on the bulletin board as well. “You’re a way better dancer than I am but…I’ve taken a few salsa classes and I always like picking up more.”

  As much as she wanted to say yes, Kate knew her limits. “Salsa’s at the same time as the Ping-Pong tournament.”

  “We could try a night of each.”

  When Kate didn’t respond, Mo started throwing out other suggestions for their nighttime activities including karaoke. Finally she stopped Mo with: “Maybe we should find out what activities the others want to do.”