All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “If I say anything now, I’ll be a rebound.”

  “What are the rest of your excuses?” Julia said, a hard edge suddenly in her voice. “Seriously, Kate. What else have you got? No matter what you tell yourself, there’s no chance you’ll be a rebound. If I told you that you are the center of Mo’s world, how would that make you feel?”

  Kate didn’t answer. Was it true?

  “I love you, but I love Mo too. I don’t want this to keep going the way it’s been with you two crushing each other’s hearts by not saying anything. I’ve gotta look out for both of my best friends here. And honestly right now I’m on Mo’s side with this. It’s your move.”

  Kate swallowed as she met Julia’s gaze. “What if you’re wrong and she’s not interested?”

  “What if?” Julia’s challenge hung in the air between them.

  Chapter Eleven

  The twins were still at the pool when they got back. Reed was on a lounge chair facing the pool with a book in her lap and Julia went right to her after waving to the girls. She leaned over Reed’s book and kissed her. “Have you seen Mo?”

  “Last I saw her, she was headed to the beach.” Reed glanced at her watch. “I think that was about an hour ago. She seemed pretty down. Is everything okay?”

  “She broke up with Chantal,” Julia said.

  “Well, that explains it. Who ended things?”

  Kate was wondering the same thing. This time it mattered who broke up with whom. If any of it was because of her advice she’d feel terrible.

  “If I had to bet, Mo ended it,” Julia said. “But I don’t want to ask. From the start, she’s been more closed off about Chantal than she’s been about past girlfriends.”

  Kate thought of how Mo had opened up to her about Chantal. Why had she done that if she hadn’t talked to Julia about her?

  “Aunt Kate, look at me!” Carly hollered. She didn’t wait to make sure she had an audience, taking off head first down the slide. When she crashed into Bryn, who was waiting at the bottom, Kate expected a scream or at least an argument between the kids. But Bryn only splashed back and laughed.

  “They’ve been at this for an hour,” Reed said.

  “Aunt Kate, watch me this time,” Bryn called.

  “It’s like watching the cooking channel,” Reed said. “They keep you entertained and you forget how long you’ve been sitting.”

  “Why don’t you two take a break?” Kate suggested. “I’ll watch them for a bit.”

  “Really?” Julia glanced from Reed to Kate.

  “Don’t take forever, but yes.” Kate kicked off her sandals and sat down. “Go for it, Bryn.”

  Mo would have to pass the pool on her way back from the ocean. If she wanted to talk, Kate would be waiting. Although what she was going to say to Mo was still up for debate.

  “You sure?” Julia asked.

  “Yes. Go on, lovebirds.”

  Reed ran her hand through her already tousled hair. “I think I could use a shower.”

  “Me too,” Julia agreed.

  “Okay, I don’t need to hear about your plans. Just go.” Kate shooed them away as she settled back in the lounge chair. She’d decided to wear her bikini under her clothes when she’d picked her outfit for the scooter ride, and she slipped off the extra layer as Reed and Julia headed off for their alone time.

  Kate didn’t enjoy the lounge chair for long. Carly convinced her to try the slide and soon she was laughing and splashing in the pool. When Reed reappeared, calling to the kids to say it was time for a break, Kate realized she could have missed Mo passing by the pool. She hopped out and grabbed a towel.

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost two. We’re going to that Coconut Cabana that Terri was talking about for snacks,” Reed said. “Want to join us?”

  “No…I want to wait for Mo.” Kate checked her phone. No missed calls or texts.

  “I figured.”

  From the note of understanding in Reed’s voice, Kate knew that Julia had told Reed about her troubles with Mo. “Anyway, if Mo doesn’t text me, I’ve got a book to finish.” Kate leaned down to wrap a towel around a shivering Carly. Her brain needed a break from obsessing about what she wanted to say to Mo. “And one of those hammocks on the beach has my name on it.”

  “Which one?” Carly asked. “Can I see it?”

  “Did you use a sharpie?” Bryn wondered. “I want a hammock with my name on it.”

  “She didn’t mean that literally,” Reed said. “Aunt Kate wouldn’t write on a hammock.”

  “Someone else could have,” Bryn argued. “Like Aunt Mo.”

  Carly, who was still shivering despite the towel, said, “One time Aunt Mo drew a heart with your name on it, Aunt Kate. It was in the middle of our sidewalk for a long time.”

  “But she didn’t use a sharpie. It was chalk. And then one day it rained and all of our drawings washed away.” Bryn scowled. “And we’d worked so hard on that rainbow unicorn.”

  “A rainbow unicorn sounds like a tricky thing to draw,” Kate said, trying not to think about Mo’s drawing. Clearly she’d only been goofing around with the kids. A chalk heart didn’t necessarily mean anything.

  “That was my idea,” Bryn said, puffing up her chest.

  “I added the rainbows,” Carly argued. “It didn’t look good until I colored in the rainbows.”

  “Yes, it did,” Bryn shot back.

  “Okay, you two. Time to get some food before the real fighting starts.” Reed smiled at Kate. “A hammock and a book sound perfect. I can almost remember those days…”

  Reed led Carly and Bryn away from the pool, intervening as they bickered and pushed each other. It wasn’t long before one of them yelled and the other started crying. Reed crouched down, said something, and scooped up both kids. Kate eyed the path down to the beach. As much as she wanted to check on Mo, she didn’t want to chase her down.

  When Kate got back to the room, laying down on the bed sounded decidedly better than a long walk back to the hammock. There was clear evidence that the housecleaner had been through the room, but the bed sheets were askew and the room still had a vague scent of Mo’s cologne.

  Kate set her bag down and smoothed the sheet. She kicked off her sandals and stretched out on top of the covers, promising herself that she’d only rest for a moment. The indent on Mo’s pillow caught her eyes and she felt the pang of longing sharper than ever. Neither of them was getting much sleep, she knew. Maybe it’d be best if she stayed with Julia and Reed tonight. Mo could probably use her own space. But the thought of not sleeping in the same bed made her ache all over again.

  She thought of telling Mo everything and wondered at the repercussions. She was tired of keeping secrets, but she didn’t think admitting everything would mean Mo would want to date her. The opposite was more likely.

  After a long minute, she reached over and caressed the indent in the pillow. She picked it up and hugged it tight to her chest, recalling the night she’d touched herself in Mo’s old room. All the things she’d never tell Mo…

  She closed her eyes, picturing Mo looking back at her as they’d danced together. Friends only. As if. She’d melted at the feel of Mo’s hand in hers and the longing to feel Mo’s lips had been impossible to ignore. That hour on the dance floor had been a blur—the best kind of blur. Had she been fooling anyone?

  Kate woke twenty minutes later to the sound of her cell phone buzzing. She rubbed her eyes and picked up the phone. A picture of Peeves filled the screen. He was snoozing in his pink bed with sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window. This time her house sitter hadn’t sent a message, but the picture was enough.

  The lock clicked and Kate looked up as Mo entered. She stopped in the doorway. “Shoot. I forgot to knock.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m only looking at a picture of Peeves.” Kate held up her phone.

  Mo glanced at the picture. “You could buy him a blue bed.”

  “He likes pink,” Kate insisted. “I to
ok him to the store and that’s the bed he picked.”

  “If I bought him a blue bed, I bet he’d sleep in it.”

  Kate set the phone on the nightstand. “Well, yes, but only because it came from you and he loves you more than me.”

  Mo smiled, but Kate could see the effort it took. She watched Mo go over to the closet and slip off her flip-flops before hanging out a towel.

  “How was the beach?”

  “Nice.” Mo sighed. “I swam until I couldn’t swim anymore.”

  “I’m sorry about Chantal.” Kate paused, wondering if Mo would say something. She had one hand on the closet door, but she hadn’t made a move to close it. “Was she sleeping with her boss?”

  Mo looked over her shoulder. “I don’t know. I never asked.”

  “She broke up with you?”

  Mo shook her head. “I told her that it wasn’t working for me. She said that she knew it was coming.”

  From the note of exhaustion in Mo’s voice, Kate knew better than to press for more details. Mo went to the bathroom and shut the door. Kate leaned back on the pillows, listening to the sound of the shower. She thought of what Julia had said and wondered again if telling Mo everything was really worth the risk. On the other hand, what did she have to lose?

  The bathroom door opened and Mo came out, wrapped in a towel. She went back to the closet, and Kate averted her gaze as Mo dressed.

  “Have you eaten lunch?”

  “Not exactly. I had a candy bar for breakfast and then some chips…”

  “Can I get you some real food? The lunch buffet is still open. I was thinking of getting a salad.”

  “I don’t want a salad,” Mo said. “I don’t know what I want.”

  “I could get you a plate with a little bit of everything.”

  “The beauty of buffets… Perfect for those of us who can’t even commit to our food,” Mo added, sighing heavily. “Nothing too healthy, okay?”

  “You got it.” Kate got out of bed and started for the door. “Comfort food coming up.”

  “Hold on,” Mo said.

  Kate stopped, looking back at her. Mo didn’t move from her spot by the closet, and the expression on her face made Kate’s heart ache. But this was how Mo got after every breakup.

  “Can I have a hug?”

  Mo shouldn’t have had to ask. Kate looked into her eyes, the deep brown ringed with red. As soon as she’d walked in the door, Kate should have given her a hug. She crossed the room, stopping a foot away from Mo, and opened her arms. Mo stepped into the embrace. She bent her head, resting it on Kate’s shoulder, and exhaled.

  Kate tried to block out the warmth that spread through her as Mo relaxed against her. She held her tight, wishing she could simply be the friend she needed. When the desire to kiss Mo’s cheek pushed to the front of her brain, Kate loosened her hold.

  “I feel like crap.” Mo stepped back, breaking the embrace, and went over to the bed. She sank onto the mattress with a heavy sigh. “You know with every other girlfriend, I could come up with some excuse for ending things, but this time…the truth was I didn’t love her. I don’t even know if anything was going on with her boss. I’m so messed up.”

  “You’re not messed up, Mo,” Kate said gently. “You’re just really good at asking people out and not that great at making it work when things get tough.”

  Mo squinted at her. “Are you saying I need to be more picky or more stubborn?”

  “Both might help.” She gave Mo a wink. “But now maybe you need some time without a girlfriend—figure out what you really want.”

  “Have you and my mom been talking again? She told me the same thing.”

  “Speaking as one messed-up person to another, sometimes you need to listen to the people who love you. Every once in a while they know what’s good for you.”

  “Now you really sound like my mom.” Mo leaned back in the bed and kicked up her feet. “One of these days you’re going to have to tell me why you think you’re so messed up.” She settled in on the pillows and closed her eyes.

  Kate took one last look at Mo before slipping out of the room. Was wanting to kiss her a good enough reason to gamble what they had? No. Mo needed a friend. Not another lover.

  The buffet line was busier than Kate had expected and by the time she got back, Mo was sitting in bed playing solitaire. Generally that was a bad sign—she’d played solitaire every night for a month after her father had died, and following most of her bad breakups, the cards came out again. With other card games, she’d laugh and joke, but solitaire was a somber thing.

  “Hungry?”

  Mo held up an ace and smiled. “Is that pizza?”

  Kate nodded, pleased to see Mo’s smile widen. “I raided the kids’ section of the buffet.” She handed over the first of two plates. “Pepperoni pizza, cheesy bread, chicken fingers, and—wait for it—a slice of chocolate mousse pie for dessert. As ordered, nothing healthy. I also got you a Coke.”

  “You’re the best. Can I eat the pie first?”

  “Sometimes I don’t think you’ve changed from the day I met you.” Kate handed over the second plate, smiling as Mo licked her lips.

  “So you’re saying I’m still as handsome as ever?”

  Kate decided to take a chance and say exactly what she was thinking. “I think you’re more handsome now. But don’t tell your eighteen-year-old self. She’ll get jealous.”

  “Careful, I’ll think you’re flirting. At the moment I’m feeling a little impressionable.”

  “You? Impressionable? That would be a first.”

  Mo chuckled. She patted the bed. “Sit down with me. This is a lot of food. I’m gonna be here for a while.”

  Kate sat down, careful to leave plenty of space. “You missed breakfast and swam. I bet you can make short work of that.”

  Mo tried a bite of the mousse. She closed her eyes and moaned. “Mmm…”

  “That good?”

  Mo held up her fork with a bite of mousse pie balanced on it. “Don’t think about calories—I know you—just close your eyes and enjoy it.” She leaned across the space between them.

  Kate wasn’t the type who cut out sugar and forgot about it. She thought about dessert all the time no matter how many months she went without it, and her mouth watered now at the sight of the chunk of chocolate topped with whipped cream. She opened her mouth, and Mo gently placed the fork on her tongue. As she closed her lips, the rich chocolate filled her senses.

  Mo pulled back the fork. “What do you think?”

  “Not bad.” In fact it was better than most orgasms she’d had, but she wasn’t about to say that to Mo. She licked her lips, catching a bit of chocolate she’d missed.

  Mo leaned close again and brushed her finger over the top edge of Kate’s lip. “You missed a little whip cream.”

  Without thinking, Kate caught Mo’s hand before she’d pulled it all the way back. She licked the bit of whipped cream off her fingertip, watching as Mo opened and closed her mouth. Mo swallowed hard but didn’t pull back her hand.

  Kate felt her heart racing in her chest. She always thought there’d be a necessary buildup, a conversation that would happen before they crossed any lines, but she’d blurred everything now and the way Mo was looking at her, hardly breathing, she didn’t want to stop. It was now or never. She leaned across the space between them and pressed against Mo’s lips.

  Time stopped then. At first all she thought of was how perfect Mo’s lips felt against hers. There was no challenging pushback in Mo’s kiss, only a soft acceptance. Just when she started to worry that the gentleness in Mo’s touch might mean her advance wasn’t desired, she felt Mo’s hand caress the side of her neck. She dared herself to deepen the kiss and Mo followed her lead.

  One kiss moved to the next until she reached out to touch Mo’s chest. She only thought of feeling more of her, her hand slipping under the T-shirt to touch the warm skin there, but she knew the instant Mo’s hand encircled her wrist that she’d gone too f
ar. Mo broke off the kiss and let go of Kate’s wrist as quickly as she’d grasped it.

  Kate sat still for a moment, dizzy with the rush of what she’d done. She looked down at the bed where they were sitting, the plates of food pushed to the side along with the blankets and the pillows all askew. Her cheeks burned with a blush.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, quickly getting off the bed and then standing awkwardly at the side. She wondered if she should come up with some excuse or offer to leave. The kiss had been some kind of reflex. Could she say it was only that? Or an accident?

  Mo eyed the slice of pie and then pressed her finger to her lips. “It’s funny how you can be waiting for something for so long and then it still surprises you… I always thought we’d have some long talk before that happened.”

  “Me too,” Kate admitted. At least Mo wasn’t saying that she wished she hadn’t kissed her. “I wasn’t planning on it. It just happened. I kind of stopped thinking.”

  Mo nodded slowly. Kate wanted her to say that it didn’t matter if they hadn’t talked about it first. The kiss had been perfect. That much had to be true for Mo too.

  “I meant it when I said I was feeling a little impressionable.” Mo pushed the plates to the side and pulled her knees up to her chest. She met Kate’s gaze. “In Hawaii, I thought you were drunk, but you’re sober now. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted you to kiss me. I’ve been wanting that kiss for a long time. But I think it’s a mistake.”

  “Why is it a mistake?” Kate’s voice wavered. Nothing about the kiss had felt like a mistake.

  “I don’t want to mess around with you. Our friendship is too important.”

  “You mess around with everyone else. If you don’t want me that way, tell me.”

  Mo’s jaw clenched. “You haven’t been in a relationship with a woman before. What if you find out this isn’t what you expected? First relationships often don’t last…and then when it’s over what happens to our friendship? And I just broke up with Chantal. I’m not saying that I don’t want this, but I think we need to talk before—”