Meant For You

by Tomas, G. L.

  “Olli, mon chéri. What is it you are looking for? Tell Alice because if you don’t, then I won’t know.” For me, the answer was simple: I wanted a woman who was a good communicator and who’d help me to become a better one, not just to address or satisfy my needs but hers as well. I wanted openness and honesty from the very first encounter, and the many women I had encountered were terrible at providing that. It wasn’t their faults, really. Even women in my own culture didn’t always focus on what they wanted and needed from a partner. And what I was coming to realize was that many just didn’t know what they wanted or rather how to communicate what they wanted from a relationship for them to flourish. They were always so focused on what society told them men wanted that they weren’t quite certain what they wanted for themselves.

  I wanted a woman who was confident in her needs and wasn’t afraid to tell me what that was. If sharing resources with her was how she felt valued, I needed to know that. If emotional stability was a prerequisite, knowing in advance would better help me not load all my underlying issues on my mate when I could just see a therapist. Love letters, grand gestures, making time to spend time with one another to let one know they are appreciated were all things I longed to hear by the second date. But I was beginning to feel like that woman didn’t exist, or at least not in the scope of my matches.

  “I want to meet a woman who is sure of herself, a woman who won’t settle for any Dominant but the right Dominant. Someone who makes getting to know her just as exciting as dominating her. A girl who challenges me in ways that I didn’t know was possible. Does that make sense to you?”

  She leaned on the desk where she sat and rested her chin in her manicured hand.

  “Olli, the woman you just described is Benny, my match for you. Why do you think I’d go out my way to set you up with someone that isn’t your usual type? She was born in Spain if that helps, but even if she hadn’t been, I’d still think the two of you were a good fit. You don’t have to trust my judgment, but so far, I’ve always delivered in giving you what you’ve requested. I wouldn’t steer you on the wrong path.”

  I took a moment to consider her words. Perhaps, she was right. I most certainly was being stubborn about this. What did I really have to lose by just showing up and meeting someone new? It wasn’t as if I were obligated to stay if it didn’t go well; after all, it wasn’t a marriage proposal but a date, screening a potential playmate that could lead to something more. Mistress Alice’s process was arduous, so chances were if I didn’t go on this date, it’d be another few weeks before she started her extensive process all over again. Maybe I’d regret this, but after a few more exchanges, I promised I’d follow through with her choice.

  A warm smile spread across her face, pleased with my decision as she demanded an update as soon as the day after the date to know how the two of us worked out. All I realized was that if I didn’t, I’d do nothing but consume myself in my studies and sacrifice my personal life. A inkling of doubt felt the pessimism brewing, thinking this girl would just be another failed attempt in finding my ideal relationship. Although for the sake of my trust and faith in Mistress Alice’s methods, I really hoped my pessimism could be replaced with me stumbling along just an inkling of what I was in search of.

  * * *

  Now

  Even as she ended the call, I continued to hold the phone close to my ear. It had been so long since I’d heard that voice, her voice, I’d forgotten how sweet and melodic it sounded to me. Every word that left her mouth had the ability to both bring me to a place of peace and unlock the darkness I needed to become the dominance that both scared and exhilarated her. Because of her, I’d developed a love for American intonations; or rather, it had been her accent that had driven me senseless. Even as my wife, she’d remained my submissive and my most intense relationship to date. Perhaps it was better this way. Moving on hadn’t always felt like the easiest thing to do, but it had been long enough between us to where if we had plans to reconcile, we would’ve done so by now. I suppose a small part of me always wished we would have. But now, I was marrying Anna and soon if we managed to fix this current mess I put us in.

  Reentering the house, Adam, my butler, assisted me with my jacket as he tucked it away in the guest closet. He was helpful in more ways than one, often sensing when I was going to have a good day or a rough one. Judging by the way he’d described Anna’s recent behavior earlier in the day, I predicted that it was going to be the latter.

  Ever since I’d made a mockery of her at our wedding, it was like walking across blazing coals in an attempt to avoid any confrontation. Unfortunately, that was Anna’s middle name. Any time she could throw a colossal tantrum about something, she proudly did so. This time, I couldn’t exactly blame her. It had been my responsibility to see to it that things ran smoothly. It would be my responsibility to make sure by the end of the week, we could finally get married. I couldn’t wait to get it over with—almost. I was so fucking tired of hearing about it.

  I found Anna in the bedroom we shared, doing what she did best: being her overdramatic self as she threw a handful of her clothes in an empty duffle bag. I exhaled a deep sigh, knowing just how to diffuse the situation but also realizing that no matter what I told her, she’d still find an excuse to yell and be angry. She was always so emotional without ever being emotional.

  “Good news.” I leaned on the post of our sleigh bed as she adjusted her icy gaze toward me. “I just got off the phone with my ex. She can be on the soonest plane this week to finalize our divorce. That means we can be married as early as next Saturday, according to the venue’s first availability,” I explained, hoping it would make her happy, not that I was counting on it. Anna always chose a way to be negative in any situation as long as it meant getting her way.

  “Did you make your ex sign a prenup?” she asked, which made me think she’d been talking to my lawyer behind my back. I rolled my eyes. “No, I didn’t.” Choosing honesty always meant transparency.

  “So, why did you make me sign one?” Her eyes blazed as she tossed one of her blouses angrily in my direction.

  “Anna, we’ve spoken about this. When I met Benny, I was young and living in the moment. The last thing I considered was prenuptials when I was still a struggling student. A prenuptial agreement just protects the both of us.” What I didn’t tell her was that while I was what I’d call “in deep infatuation” with her, I didn’t know her well enough to trust that if things didn’t work between us that she wouldn’t drain me dry of all my assets. She was already an expensive habit to maintain and believe it or not, I enjoyed spoiling her. Getting her things she asked for was easy and maybe the only thing that made her happy. But that didn’t mean I wanted to support her if she changed her mind that being married to me wasn’t what she wanted for the rest of her life. That was something I never worried about with Benny. She was humble and gracious and even declined the settlement I’d offered her. She didn’t even know how much it was for; she just didn’t want it.

  In the time we’d been together, I learned what Benny truly desired in life was stability and happiness, something money could help with but certainly couldn’t buy. I trusted Benny. I’d gotten to know her in intimate ways I’d never let myself experience with another woman. And that was why I had planned to help her financially despite her refusal. Without her encouragement and guidance, I wasn’t sure I would have become the success I was today. She'd loved me when to most the world, I was a nobody.

  “Something tells me I shouldn’t wait around until I get new paperwork to sign. If you and I are really forever, we shouldn’t even need a prenup,” she argued with an empty threat. She was going to marry me no matter what, but if she could throw one last tantrum about it, she’d do it to test me. This subject, however, I was quite firm on. It was a waste of both our times for her to keep rehashing it.

  “Anna, don’t be so dramatic.” And at that, she swung her long, blond locks to face me. The aggression in her eyes, a pent-up collectio
n of reasons I’d angered her, turned her pretty face into something horrific.

  “Dramatic?!” I’m being dramatic?! Olli, you embarrassed me on my wedding day. My entire family came from Gothenburg to be here and witness what was to be the happiest day of my life. Most of my friends don’t have the luxury of taking another weekend trip to attend a second ceremony. Do you know how bad this made me look? Not to mention your irresponsibility. As much as you’ve managed to bring up your ex in past conversations, you never once made me question that your relationship was anything but over.”

  “It is over,” I assured her. I wasn’t easily frustrated, but the topic of my marriage began to prove that this was becoming a sensitive subject for me. “It wasn’t over enough to stop her from coming back in your life to sign the documents. Why does she need to come all this way anyway? Why couldn’t you have just faxed them? It makes me feel like you don’t even want to get married to me. All this trouble you’re going through to pull out the red carpet for your ex.”

  At this stage, there was just no getting through to her, so instead, I let her vent as she packed a few of her other things, planning to go home with her family until everything was finalized. How dare she accuse me of not wanting to marry her? Would I be going through all of this trouble and her dramatics to expedite everything if that hadn’t been my plan?

  It was definitely her fire I’d always been attracted to, but even she took it to the point where I felt like shutting her down and drowning her out. I didn’t know how to talk to her when she was like this. Truthfully, she wouldn’t take the time to listen even if I tried, so when she walked out, duffle bag in hand, I let her go. It would be easier to talk to her once all this mess was resolved, and with no reason to whine, she’d conform to being the trophy who just wanted to be the rich Finn’s wife. I personally couldn’t wait to fly her friends and family back to Sweden. While we got along on the surface, I wasn’t their biggest fan, and I’m certain they weren’t mine. Her family had a tendency to burn through assets, and I was sure what I’d overheard her and her mother talking about at the church was more or less her family being in need of the only thing they called her for. Money.

  I wasn’t angry about it but I’d make damn sure that once the two of us were married, all the unnecessary loans would come to an end. If I made Anna chose herself over her family, she was predictable in always choosing herself. Perhaps a few days of peace was what I needed while this all brushed over.

  With Anna out of the way, I decided to ring Benny again when I received a second text from my assistant about the details of her trip. I wasn’t sure why I was nervous to call her again, but her voice always did something to me. When she picked up on the second ring, this time, I assumed she was expecting my call, which was good. My assistant Sanni wanted to finalize her itinerary as soon as possible.

  “Hello, Olli.” My stomach was in knots at the sound of my name leaving her sweet lips.

  “Hi,” I replied in a slightly delayed reaction. I was still recovering from what it was like just to hear her smooth as honey voice again. To think I’d almost forgotten it. I wished I didn’t have to forget it ever again. The calm, soothing influence it had on my recent mood was becoming evident that it was good for my soul.

  “I mean, Hello, Benny. It’s me again. I hope I’m not calling too much but given the time-sensitive matter, the plan is to get you on a flight at your earliest convenience. Does tomorrow work for you? The last-minute, first-class flights are quickly booking up, so knowing sooner is better than later.”

  “Wow, tomorrow?” she started. “That’s so sudden. I knew the ticket was open, but I didn’t know you wanted me to fly as soon as tomorrow. Would it be too much trouble to fly out on Friday instead? I’d really like the extra day to sort my stuff out and make sure I don’t forget anything. I haven’t traveled in a while, so I just want to make sure I don’t run into any problems.”

  It was growing harder to hear her over what sounded like her entering a public place where more voices could be heard in the background. A child’s excitement, an announcement being made over an intercom. It sounded like she was inside a department store. She was probably shopping. What else explained all the noise on her end? Sanni texted me the detailed confirmation of an early am flight on Friday, which I passed on to Benny while I still had her on the line.

  “So we’ve booked your flight. Would you like for me to email or fax you the confirmation so you can print out the boarding passes, or would it be easier for you to pick them up at the airport?”

  “It might save me some time to print out the tickets. If that’s not a problem.”

  “Of course, it isn’t,” I reassured her. “Would there be an issue with you flying out on Sunday? I didn’t see the point of you coming all the way to Helsinki for just one night of signing divorce papers. Besides, it’ll give you a chance to meet my fiancé and if we have time, we could all have a nice dinner.” The silence from Benny made me think that the line went dead, but then she responded with a genuine “I’d love to”. That made me feel a bit better about what I was getting myself into.

  Perhaps it was selfish but it meant a lot to me what Benny thought. If she liked Anna that would be reason enough to not have any doubts about the current woman of my life. She had always been a great judge of character. I only hoped she saw and experienced the Anna that was on her best behavior.

  “Hey, remember that time our flight got canceled when we spent the weekend in London?” she said, snapping me back to reality and easing me into what could have possibly been one of my fondest memories with her. After making a huge deal out of the inconvenience the airline caused us, they’d put us up in one of the few rooms they’d had available at the nearby hotel, which happened to be a very romantic, very expensive honeymoon suite that at the time, neither one of us would have ever been able to afford. I’d lost how many times we’d made love in a single night after a spontaneous round of play time. But the way she made me feel that night had confirmed that I wanted to marry her. So strong yet so delicate. I’ve yet to meet a woman who made me want to fight by her side but at the same time take care of her. How could I ever forget a weekend like that?

  “I do,” I said finally. She let out a low, sweet laugh. “Well, that was my last real memory of flying. Since we returned to the States, my traveling has been minimal.” She released an anxious sigh. “Ugh, I’m nervous.”

  “Don’t be nervous.” The thought brought a slight smile to my face. “But be sure to dress warmly. We are in our dark winter season. It won’t be a walk in the park for someone who lives in sunny California,” I teased. During her time in my native Finland, she was always in denial of how cold it was until we stepped outside. She’d always seemed to find her way into my arms to shield herself from the cold. She’d never not managed to feel good in my arms, I recalled, as I cleared my throat at the discomfort I felt for hoping I’d get one last chance to experience that. Even if we could find a way to become friends at this current stage of our lives, Benny’s presence would continue to have lasting effects on me. Was it egotistical of me that I didn’t want to lose that?

  “Well. Olli, I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I know you have a wedding to plan. If all goes well, I’ll see you this weekend, okay?”

  “Very well,” I replied before we ended the call. This weekend couldn’t get here soon enough.

  6

  Benny

  I don’t know how she always managed to do it. Be it witchcraft or voodoo or just plain guilt of being apart from the snap pea that grew inside me, but Olivia always seemed to break my heart any time I had to be away from her for more than a day. It wasn’t often I made the choice to do so, but even three days would feel like forever when your only reason for living was going to be thousands of miles, an ocean, and dozens of countries away. She loved spending time with my mom, her abuelita, but she was at that age where she rarely wanted to leave my side. When I could, I took her everywhere but unfortunately, this w
as one of those times I couldn’t, and the sadness on her face as we drove to my mom’s made me consider canceling the trip altogether.

  But I knew I couldn’t. I needed to go. Not for just him but for me. I needed this closure to fully move on from the fantasy of reuniting with my first love. I often daydreamed there was going to be this point in our relationship where we would just pick up where we left off. A small part of me held onto that idea for so long I was afraid to admit it was what made dating again a lot harder. I suppose I’d let being Olivia’s mother become my number-one priority.

  Becoming a mother had shaped my identity. I loved my daughter and I felt like children deserved most of your time because they needed that secure feeling of being loved and cared for. Unfortunately, underneath that identity, I was still a woman with her own needs. I still carried the fantasy of being held and protected. Coming home to a bed filled with a man who cherished my body and filled the void in my heart that even motherhood may never offer me. Ending my marriage with Olli could help bring me one step closer to moving on in my love life, just as it appeared he had, and perhaps when Olivia got older, I’d be able to find someone who would be all the things I asked for. I couldn’t do that chasing the dream of reuniting with the first man who made me feel truly alive. Yes, I needed to sign those papers—like yesterday, but that didn’t make leaving my daughter to do so any easier.

  “Preciosa, I promise. I won’t be having any fun without you. If I could bring you, I would, but it’s not that sort of trip. I won’t be doing any sightseeing. All I’ll have record of, maybe, is seeing the inside of a hotel. If that.” I shrugged as I pulled into my mom’s apartment driveway. She didn’t have to know the exact details of my trip, but if all went well, perhaps Olli could soon know of Olivia’s existence. I’d planned to tell him if the time was ever right. For a long time, Olivia had always been curious about her father, but I was so relieved when she stopped asking about him. If his fiancé was as understanding as I knew him to be, telling him would be simple. But if she wasn’t, I never had to worry about him randomly popping in and out of my life. Sure, she had the right to know her father, but people changed over the years, and I wanted to be sure it was safe to introduce her to people, even the man who helped create her, into her life. She didn’t understand things quite like an adult did, but she was bright and perceptive; she at least knew how to detect toxic behavior.