by Tomas, G. L.
“Make a threat like that and I’ll see to it that we never leave this room.” He kissed me again before scurrying off into the hallway to do his best to find us some food.
Everything about this weekend had had me on cloud nine. I forgot how fucking good it felt to feel wanted and needed the only way a man could make me feel. To submit. To love. To devote all my existence into being the woman that I’d always been but kept hidden was what Olli was bringing out of me. Was I wrong for wanting to lose that? I so badly wanted to tell the man that I loved about the child we helped create together but it had a fifty-fifty chance of having a neutral or negative impact, one I wasn’t quite willing to deal with right this second. If I wanted him back, he needed to know but what if at this stage of his life, he didn’t want children? Having gone all these years without having another, I wasn’t trying to force parenthood on someone who didn’t want it but I knew once I told him, this whole magic carpet ride fantasy had the power to be over. And I so badly didn’t want it to be over.
His phone buzzed on the nightstand, which normally wouldn’t have caught my attention, but seeing as how we were trapped, I reached over, not wanting to ignore it in case Olli made arrangements for outside help, but I really wished I hadn’t. His phone’s background had been a stark reminder that perhaps this moment of bliss was really just that. A moment of bliss. The photo was of him and Anna looking like a star couple if I ever saw one. What if she changed her mind? What if whatever she said to him about ending their relationship was just speaking out of anger and all it would take for them to patch things up was a brief conversation about how much more they fit for one another, and just like that I’d be out of the picture? I did sign the divorce papers, after all. Once they were processed, Olli and I will be officially free to pretend like this weekend never happened.
Seeing them together brought out the harsh truth of knowing in this situation, I was the other woman. As much as I tried to bite back the guilt in realizing this eventful weekend shouldn’t have happened, I couldn’t help feeling that once it was over, I’d be forced to face an impossible truth. The more I poured my heart into this, the worse it’d feel once he decided this wasn’t for him and that decision would absolutely crush me. I’d gone through that once before. A second time might give me enough reason to give up on love altogether.
17
Olli
Bringing back whatever I could carry in a nearby basket, I filled it to the brim with whatever there was inside the cupboards and fridge. Some fresh bagels, cream cheese, and thin-sliced smoked salmon had led me to believe that someone had been here recently. My parents, perhaps. Maybe even my cousin Helena and her friends on holiday since she was away studying in China and came back every so often to our home away from home. Either way, the food was fresh, so I was grateful that we wouldn’t starve.
As I entered the bedroom, Benny wasn’t present. I assumed she’d gotten up to use the restroom or take a shower. I was to be next in line. My body felt sticky from the many times we’d managed to make love in our short stay. It was a good feeling to be covered in her essence and consumed by her love. Until last night, I wasn’t sure I could ever have a good time like that again. And this morning was just as memorable as we lazily made love in the earliest hours of the day. There had seemed to be some good coming from being snowed in. It meant Benny was mine again and opportunely, I felt honored to be hers.
In the time she was away, I’d managed to slice four bagels in half, spreading the cheese and salmon across them in a restaurant-style presentation. When she finally returned, hair disheveled and wearing a long tee shirt, I invited her to sit with me.
“Come.” Without reluctance, she sat on the other side of the plate I prepared, her expressions somber. To lighten the mood, I leaned in and kissed her, paying special attention to her smooth neck and responsive ears, my hands exploring them both. Despite her reciprocation, there was something different in her kisses. Hollow and empty, lifeless and distant. It was clear she’d been upset about something but for the life of me, I couldn’t decipher what.
I pulled away, feeling as if she wasn’t going to tell me what had changed from this morning until now over breakfast but I contemplated delving a bit deeper into what was going on. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with a multitude of questions as I had no right to pry…fuck that. I had every right to pry. She was still my wife, and after we got out of here, I was tossing those divorce papers in the shredder as we collaborated on a way we could be together. I would move my entire life back to the States because I knew her life was with her daughter, and I refused to not to be a part of that life. Maybe eight years ago, I’d felt homesick but in just this short time, I’d learned that Benny was my home. After today, I couldn’t be without her.
“Benny, eat. Please,” I practically begged when I noticed even after the kiss, she hadn’t bothered to touch the food. It satisfied me as she took the required bites to finish half a bagel, promising me that she’d eat another one in a few minutes. I decided that was fine by me as long as I made sure she ate something. That was how I preferred things. For me to take care of her and for her to let me.
Then
She’d had so many questions about what our first play session would be like, something I both appreciated and adored. Even with all the answers I was able to provide that still didn’t prepare you for being in the moment. I predicted the time I’d have with Benny to be memorable but what we’d experienced tonight was beyond any play time I’d ever had. She’d been in her element and that made me come alive to embody the dominance she needed. We’d decided that the first time we slept together would be the first time we had our first scene in an effort to anticipate the feelings that blossomed from it. It wasn’t my typical way of initiating sex as more often than not, relations happened first and then I’d worked everything in little-by-little. But with Benny, in the few weeks that we’d gotten to know each other, that had been the priority. Making sure we truly knew enough about each other. Learning what both of us wanted both sexually and emotionally on an intimate level.
Not having sex at the beginning of a partnership proved to be difficult but not too difficult to where it wasn’t worth the wait. After all that transpired from this nights scene, she’d been the good girl I’d spent weeks praying she’d be, and as much as I loved breaking her and putting her back together, the part of playtime I’d always looked forward to the most was the aftercare.
Helping her down from her sub drop was just as important as making her my slut but the truth was that Benny was beginning to be that person I wanted to call on every day. The way she looked in my arms right now, cozying up to my kisses to her forehead, to call her anything less than magnificent would have been clearly undeserving. And to think, she’d chosen me to be her anchor.
“Olli?” she looked up at me with her deep, mysterious eyes, filled with innocence and admiration. “Yes, baby?” I replied, smoothing her perfect, thick hair in a delicate way that didn’t alter or disturb its beauty.
“Could you make me some food?” she cooed, snuggling deeper into my grasp as if it were possible to hold her like this and cook for her without leaving this bed. At that moment, I could have stayed right here, holding her in my arms forever. I wanted to but knew that providing her what she needed after an intense first session was something I’d never skim on offering. Besides, it wasn’t as though I wasn’t a little hungry myself.
Now
“Do you need anything?” I asked as I threw on some trousers. She stood and sat back down then back up again halfway into her last action. Her expression was unsettled and maybe even a little plagued from exhaustion. Such a change from just a few moments ago.
“You know what? Do you mind if I have a little time to myself?
“Sure,” I answered without argument. I understood the wonders it did for the soul to have some much needed alone time and with all that’s happened in the course of a day, I couldn’t pretend to know what was flowing through her mind.
If space was what she needed, I had planned to give it to her. Even if it was something I wasn’t entirely prepared to do.
“That will give me time to shower,” I casually remarked. “But don’t hesitate to call for me if you need anything. I’ll only be a few rooms away.” I disappeared into the hallway but not before giving her a soft kiss on the lips.
18
Benny
A little quiet time never hurt anybody, right? I wanted nothing more but to have the man I’d fantasized about, to hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. But being alone together; that’s how we got to this confusing point, to begin with. What did I think was going to happen the moment we were alone, with nothing more to fill our time? We were either going to talk or fuck, so imagine my surprise when we’d done a combination of both.
Maybe I should have, but legally I didn’t have to worry about feeling like his other woman; technically we were still married, and it had been a relief to hear Anna had ended his engagement moments before our frisky reunion. I still had doubts but it felt so good to be kissed, and fucked, and loved, that I’m ashamed to admit I would’ve let things move in that direction whether things had turned this way or not. Olli hadn’t been my first, but he’d definitely been the last I’d had since Olivia’s birth.
I’d tried dating again, but no man ever excited me or made feel as though I could see only him, and no man had definitely dominated me since the last time I’d been with Olli. I was wrecked for any man that had come after him. Some opportunities to find the love I’d intentionally sabotaged, while some men hadn’t been comfortable with the fact I had a daughter, so, despite some subtle changes, I hadn’t found luck in love. Lust hadn’t even been an option. I couldn’t lust after anyone I didn’t feel passion for, and despite having attractive suitors seek out my time spent, none of them ever made my panties wet.
Not like Olli. But we hadn’t been together since he left the United States. We’d co-existed close to a decade without each other, and the only reason we reconnected was that he’d planned to marry another woman. Was I destined for Olli walking in and out of my life for another eight years? What if after clouds clear, he decides he made a mistake and doesn’t plan on investing in us as much as I planned to?
I was still a woman; I had needs like any red-blooded woman who desired sex and wanted to feel owned. And being a mother didn’t change that. But I had a daughter to think about. One whose needs came before mine, and I couldn’t forget that just because I’d gotten the things the feminine energy in me still craved.
I still hadn’t shared with Olli the link between us that was flesh and blood. But what if I did and he rejected Olivia, a child made through our love? Would the love he asked of me be one-sided or conditional for lying to him?
I’d lost him the first time, being young, naïve and selfless, but could I survive him walking out of my life again? Especially since we shared a child, and walking away from me was like walking away from her, too.
I loved Olli with all of my heart and soul. I needed him now, more than I ever needed him, but my daughter needed me more. Olivia needed him, too. But how was I supposed to tell him that months after he left for Finland, that I’d birthed his child and hadn’t told him or reached out in any way?
The door between Olli and me should have never been reopened. Now that it had, how was I ever going to deal with the consequences when it all blew up in my face?
“Are you alright in here?” Olli’s intimidating frame lurched into the room unannounced. So much for having time to think of what I’d do if this didn’t turn out the way I planned. Olli joined me on the mattress, folding one of his legs underneath him while resting the opposite on the floor.
“Talk to me,” he demanded with poetic eyes. “I understand you better when you talk.” Perhaps, I should have been grateful he wanted to be so open. We’d come a long way since when we first met, where he struggled with even the shortest conversation of small talk. An unintentional smile crept into the corner of his mouth, making me defenseless against his charm. It was strange; in the past, awkward silence had never been a weak point for him, nor had been leaving me to my own devices when I needed space.
But he sensed something wrong, which was good considering how dormant he’s been if he hadn’t had a submissive after me. The ability to read a submissive’s mood could have been a natural gift, but any good Dom would learn his submissive enough to know her request at needing space were cries for attention.
“It’s too much to explain right now—” I tried to buy myself more time, but he interrupted me before I could come up with anything that might drop the whole subject for now.
“We are snowbound in a cabin. Right now, all we have is time.” He objected. I didn’t have a reply nor was I going to weave myself into a lie, so I said nothing, hoping he’d take the hint and bring up something unrelated to our current moods.
Olli crawled in beside me, trapping me in the warmth of his long arms. He kissed my shoulder, and when our eyes met, we shared a glance so intense it wasn’t long before our lips were tangled in a battle of wills. “Why are you being so distant?” He whispered, as our melded breaths, lips and bodies pulled away but brought out another obvious insecurity.
We sat facing one another until I found the courage to speak. “I can't help thinking that had I not gotten wrapped up in all this, you would have very well gotten married three days ago.” Olli didn’t flinch and wasn’t quick to defend himself. Nor did I assume he’d say anything after stealing my gaze for what felt like an eternity.
“Yes, I probably would have.” His eyes breaking our contact wasn’t immediate. He studied me and how I reacted to his truth before looking down and reaching to comfort me by stroking the outside of my hand.
“I guess that’s part of why I’ve been so distant. I can’t help thinking most of what happened so far has been in the moment,” I admitted. “I just don’t have the confidence in us like I should, ya know? Especially since you’ve made this completely new life for yourself, without me—"
“So, you don’t have a entirely new life you’ve created without me?” Olli interrupted, an unexpected pain in the back of his throat. “Do you know how much it pains me to see that you’ve successfully moved on from us. Moved on from me?” he admitted shyly, all traces of his Dom side non-existent.
Olli was unaware of just how little I’d actually moved on. So much of my current life was created by him. I couldn’t have moved on from him if I tried. “I never stopped loving you. That’s why it surprised me when you sent separation papers. I figured you had met someone. And I didn’t want to stand in the way of that, but I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I’d been such a coward when I left. There were times I’d wanted to call you, ask you how you were doing. Maybe even reconnect. But I felt like less than a man asking for a warm bed when I had less to offer you in return.” We had both wanted to be where home felt. But in admitting such, we’d forgotten where home was.
“I wanted to be able to provide a healthier financial environment for us, but it seemed more challenging than I anticipated. You were working all the time, and it seemed like you resented me—”
“I never resented you,” I interrupted. I hadn’t even known he’d observed that much of our situation in the past.
“But it showed in more ways than words, Benny. I wanted to move back to Finland, and you wanted to stay here. You’d never wanted to be apart from me until that time in our relationship, so when we agreed to go our separate ways, it felt like you were asking me to be released. In more ways than one.”
Looking back now, if he’d seen that as our biggest challenge, he’d been right for feeling that; in the end it was the moment that broke us. I’d backpacked all through Europe, and Spain was only meant to be a four-month trip to reconnect with the country of my birth, speak a language where my culture had been born and wanted to see through adult eyes. By the time we’d met, married, and moved to the States, I’d already been homesic
k for close to a year.
Olli’s work visa had only been temporary, and with his earning potential, he hadn’t wanted to take just any job. In time, I felt like my love for him had been holding him back to reach the goals he kept to himself. If he felt like I’d resented him, the feeling had been mutual. In time, our relationship appeared to hinder his success than help it. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to go from the most important thing in the world to him, than the one person he blamed more than anything for his inability to reach his goals.
“You have a child now.” It was an admittance that sent a shiver of fear down my spine. “You’ve likely been in love with someone else who wasn’t me. I blame myself for everything that’s happened since the day I left. Everything would be so different if I hadn’t.”
He reached out to me, trailing a single finger down my arm and the small of the skin on my stomach. “So, where does that leave Anna?”
There was so much guilt, so much regret for my role in all this. I was relieved to know she’d broken things off with Olli. Not that it gave me permission to do all the things we did, but I certainly felt better about knowing that at least he hadn’t stepped out on her just to dominate and fuck me. They’d broken up because of our past together, but that part couldn’t be helped.
“Benny, I will not lie to you with things you want to hear. I do love Anna. It is a very different from the love I have for you. With her, our situation was convenient. We loved enough about one another to consider spending lives together. We made sense on the surface. Maybe even a few more things made us work. And I would have been content with a life like that because it would’ve helped me from remembering what I’d lost.”