by Tomas, G. L.
Olli took a deeper breath than normal as if in all he’d admitted had prevented him from breathing. “But Anna accused me a long time ago of not being over you. I had tried to make us more honest. Tried my best to make us freer. I knew that it would never be the way with what I had with you, but admitting my past to her? My past with you? All it did was make her withdraw.”
Anna had never wanted any part in kink or BDSM, and despite his fear of wanting her to know that about him, he admitted it anyway. She hadn’t taken to it well. Even accused him of wanting a controlling relationship. He hadn’t wanted that at all, he’d just wanted to share with her something that, before her, had been important to him.
“She didn’t want me to know her in that way. She was perfectly happy with making me guess the things about her that could have been resolved with open communication. Most of all, she resented that I once had a life without her. Especially one so intense, so detrimental in shaping the man I was today.”
“So, when I say I love Anna and I say I love you, they are both true. But they do not mean the same thing. I know you love me because you used to tell me and show me. I knew when I hurt you because we were open and honest. Most of all, I tried to be a better man for you, because you told me how I can be a better man for you. I would have settled for anyone less than you, but if you’re telling me that in this day and time, that we have a chance? I don’t want the love I have with Anna. I want the love I have with you.”
The words from Olli’s mouth sounded like the poetry I so desperately needed to feed my soul. He could have been telling me to go to hell, and after that confession, I would’ve still found his delivery poetic. But that didn’t mean I still wasn’t terrified. If he felt so strongly about everything he said, would those words still hold true after learning of our shared daughter? The daughter I kept from him for seven years.
That there’d been no other man I’d been in love with all this time, but that I’d been raising the daughter I never told him about. I was trying to imagine him embracing the idea of being a father, but couldn’t picture it without some lingering resentment.
He took his hand and caressed it all along my face. The calluses of his palm glided against my skin underneath and reminded me how soft I was in comparison. “You are everything I want in me. Filling holes to the parts of me I’d lost since we’d parted so long ago. Now that I have you, how can you expect me to survive without you?” Olli pulled his hand away and readjusted himself to rest his arm around my waist.
“Even if we could make this work,” I later insisted. “I can’t just pack up and move my entire life to Finland. I have a daughter, and she’s situated—”
“Did you expect that I’d want you and not consider your daughter, too?” I froze at the sound of your daughter. That was enough to push my words to the deeper part of me in fear I’d admit the wrong thing.
“I would have no issue being a second father to her if you wanted me to be. I’ve been in the works to secure a deal that’ll allow me to retire soon. Even if I hadn’t, I earn more than enough to provide for you and your daughter. When I retire early, I could devote all my time to you two. Make sure she’s in the best schools, make sure your mother has the best care. I want to provide for your family because I want them as my family, too. Since we’re still married, they are my family. I finally feel whole. If that’s a concern, I would do anything just to be with you.”
A tear fell down my cheek and without any control over myself, I couldn’t stop crying. Olli saw this as his opportunity to console me in any way he could. I wish I could tell him these tears falling down weren’t tears of sadness. But he wouldn’t understand, not completely, why they were tears of joy. Hearing him say all those beautiful things; one can only hope he still meant them after hearing the truth.
“Is there anything I could do that would make you feel better?”
* * *
When it’d been close to a decade since you made love, five times in less than twenty-four hours felt like a practice run. Fine-tuning old habits, perfecting newly developed ones, discovering new skill sets that you never thought possible. One of Olli’s many talents was he was just as skillful in good, old-fashioned vanilla sex as he was when the intensity was higher in a scene. Some Doms struggled when you took them out of their element; the opposite could be said about vanilla men who didn’t have the creativity to satisfy the average woman.
Olli had mastered the art of both, proving with each thrust, caress, and kiss his lips and cock fed me to make up for my eight-year dry spell. I’d climaxed four times before we even approached round two. My pussy was so sensitive from losing control that I would’ve stopped Olli if I hadn’t been convinced I had another orgasm in me before he’d admit defeat.
“Baby, if we don’t stop, we’ll probably die of dehydration,” I joked.
He hooked both my legs against his chest and shoulders, sweat dripping down his torso and forehead from the work he put in and the heat of the fireplace we’d centered ourselves in front of.
“Dying between your legs would be the ideal way to die,” he joked and thrust with wild abandon. My phone began to ring and despite my circumstances, I reached to grab the phone. Olli pulled me an inch away from it, as his hips came to a slow and he wiped the sweat running down his face.
“Don’t pick it up; it’ll only take you out the moment.”
“It might be my mother. I don’t want her to worry.” We were snowed in, and I’d already missed my flight back home. He was between my legs; we weren’t going anywhere.
“Just know, if you pick up that phone, I will still continue to fuck you. Do your best to refrain from moaning, though I’ll likely give you a reason to.” He let go of my arms and let me reach for the phone in my shirt pocket.
“Hello?”
It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Olli’s pace to come to a quieter steady one as he concentrated on slower, deeper, penetrating thrusts, reaching one hand to rub my clit, the other to pinch my left nipple.
“Oh my God!” I screamed instead of moaned, hopeful it sounded as convincing over the phone as it had in my head.
“What is wrong? You do not sound well,” my mother asked concerned from her end of the line.
“Nothing, Ma.” My body contorted to the rhythm of small contractions milking Olli’s cock in my juices. “I sprained my ankle trying to help cut wood and build a fire in the fireplace,” I lied. “I guess trying to walk on it is harder since I can’t get to a hospital, or anywhere else for that matter.”
“You know what you do?” Mami ticked off as if I were really about to perform all these tasks in tandem. “You put ice on it for fifteen minutes, then as high as you can, rest your foot above your heart to help stop the swelling.” My mom’s advice would have been dead on if I’d actually needed it. But much to her suggestion, my feet were already as high above my heart as they could possibly be as they rested on Olli’s shoulders. If I actually did sprain my ankle from now until I hopped on a plane, at least I’d know the perfect activity to keep me off my feet.
My throat strained of a satisfying pain when Olli forcefully thrust into me, something he only did to keep my focus on the fact that he was fucking me as well. My mom was none the wiser. On her end, it just sounded like I’d tried to walk a distance I shouldn’t as she made suggestions on her end that were homemade treatments that might help with the inflammation.
I was relieved to know Olivia had been taking a nap when she called; I don’t think I could’ve played the homesick mom and the wife getting fucked over the phone at the same time. But I had to admit, the way Olli’s body used me, without a care in the world, made me wetter than the first five orgasms had.
Olli folded over my body until I was horizontal from his view and jackhammered the shit out of his hips as he came harder than he ever had since the time that we started. I could feel his warmth coat my walls, and I climaxed with him once more as my mother wished me safe travels and hung up the phone.
; In his native language, a silky swear left his mouth as he gently kissed the top of my nose. He pulled out of me and I could feel the milky liquid it left behind. I can’t say I didn’t love the way he wrapped himself in a tangle of limbs with mine, soothed by the sound of crackling embers from the fireplace. Our sweaty bodies slicked and melded as one, readjusting when needed. Olli pulled at small tendrils of my hair, as I watched his curious green eyes in his afterglow.
“Do you think your daughter would like me?”
19
Olli
Then
I’d spent all of yesterday on YouTube gathering up recipes to impress Benny for our dinner date tonight. Luckily, a portion of the ingredients were so easy to find here in Madrid. Back home, I’m sure it would have proved to be difficult. I spoon-fed her a portion of the homemade Pescado con tres salsas, something I thought she’d love and appreciate. I was probably the last person who could tell what a good Pescado con tres salsas was supposed to taste like, but judging by the way Benny closed her eyes and orgasmically moaned at the flavor coating her tongue, my guess was that I’d done a decent job.
“Wow, this is really good.” Her smile warm and genuine. She reveled in the savory aftertaste of the second serving that made me feel good that I could please a woman in a way often men neglected, with food. “Here, try some.” She took the spoon from my hand, collecting a healthy sample with one heft scoop. The warm, spicy blends of garlic and hot peppers danced on my tongue. Like her, it was foreign. Different but exciting to try and satisfying enough to keep coming back for more. She looked so lovely this evening.
“Do you cook a lot back home?” she asked. I did but never food this extravagant and about half as much time spent. But I wanted to learn, especially if it had the power to put the two of us in a good mood. Food had the ability to do that.
“Enough, but I can always stand to cook more. How about you?” She smiled, almost embarrassed to admit that she ate at her mother’s house almost every night before she moved overseas. “It’s not as if I’m a bad cook. I’m actually pretty good; it’s just hard to compare my cooking to a woman who’s been cooking longer than I’ve been alive, you know?” she said taking another few bites of the rice.
“What about your father? Did he cook?” Her eyes cast downward, a somber expression altering her soft features. Of all the dates we’d been on, I’d never seen her that unhappy about something. It was evident that her father was an untouchable subject, but as someone who’d planned on learning all about her, there was no subject I’d found to be off-limits. “Actually, my father’s not really in my life right now. Never really has been.”
“I didn’t mean to pry,” I said, sensing the sudden shift in her mood. As sweet and considerate a person she was, I couldn’t imagine anyone choosing not to be in her life. Perhaps my father hadn’t been the sort of fathers you saw on TV with their unconditional understanding and openness they expressed toward their children but he was a presence in my life I hadn’t once taken for granted. Without him, I wouldn’t be the person I was today.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Benny.” My fingers stroked her face in a comforting caress. My sweet Benny. I wanted to give her so much, even if for now it was just my free time. “It’s not really a big deal, Olli. I’ve healed from not having my father around a long time ago. He’s still in Equatorial Guinea. When I met him for the first time, I was sixteen. It became relatively clear that some men just aren’t ready to become fathers when women are ready to become mothers.” This early in my life, I hadn’t given a second thought about fatherhood, but I did know that if I’d unknowingly fathered a child, it would devastate not knowing who they were or coming to discover their existence. I’d want them to know me.
“I could never do that. Not to my child. Not to the mother of that child. Family is important and a healthy one is essential to one’s life. I’m sorry you don’t have a better relationship with your father.” She offered me a final spoonful of my prepared meal. Although we were in the early stages of our said courting, while we were on the subject, I couldn’t help but imagine how stunning she’d look, glowing with child. My child. If we made it that far, the idea could manifest more than just an idea, but a necessary step in the future we could have together.
* * *
Now
Benny bit her lip. Benny always bit her lip when she was nervous about something. Was she thinking about how I’d fit into her newly made life? Even if that wasn’t what was troubling her, I sensed something was wrong. Her face said everything without a word leaving her beautiful mouth. Under her wish, we slipped back into our clothes, despite my desire to admire what I had missed over the years when it came to her irresistible body. I was beginning to feel a little worried.
First she needed space, now she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. Whatever discussion would take place in the next few minutes was so urgent that apparently, we couldn’t have it without being fully clothed.
“There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you. Really since the moment I got here.” Her complexion cast a shallow undertone that made her appear almost distorted. Scared even. As if she’d bared witness to a horrid act and couldn’t unsee it.
“Obviously when we spoke about my coming here, I didn’t expect for us to be having these heavy conversations about you and me getting back together. Or even being in each other’s lives past this weekend. If there’s anything I’ve realized today, it’s that I’ve always loved you. Maybe I never stopped loving you. There was always something around keeping you in my thoughts, which makes it that much harder to admit that I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
I prepared myself for the worst possible development that could affect a future that included the two of us together. Perhaps, she had a fiancé back home. Maybe even a live-in boyfriend. I didn’t imagine her child’s father being that far away from his family. Without knowing the severity of her admission, I came to all these conclusions of what could be so damaging that she’d chosen to be dishonest with me. If there was one thing I took pride in our past history together, was that honesty between us was never up for debate. We told each other everything.
“You say what you want is to be with me. But once I get this off my chest, I’m not sure you’ll still feel the same. Going forward, I don’t blame you if you decide that you’re making a mistake by wanting to be with me.”
Now it was I who felt fear as I’d never known it. There were a lot of things I could live with. I didn’t have the pleasure of just turning off my feeling for her. In short, there wasn’t anything she could ever say to change how I felt. With what I put her through, she’d earned my giving her the benefit of the doubt.
“Please, Benny. Do not torture me any longer. Say what you have to say. I can’t promise to understand but I’ll find a way to.” I finally confessed, which only caused her to furrow her eyebrows and fight back tears that would surely come depending on how I reacted. I prayed that I would have a handle on myself. On my emotions. I just prayed it wasn’t as terrible as her claims.
“It’s about my daughter.” She took a deep breathe, trembling as she struggled to get the words out. “I found out just days after you left the US for Helsinki that I was going to have a baby.”
“What?” My expression faltered, confused about what that was supposed to mean without the entire context of her confession. “I wanted to tell you, Olli. I really did. But you were so unhappy, and I didn’t want to stand in the way of doing what you needed to do to find happiness.”
Now, I was getting upset. That still didn’t tell me what I needed to hear. My leaving. Her pregnancy. How did this all tie together? “Wanted to tell me what, Benny? Stop dancing around it.” She took another deep breath, looking directly into my eyes with sudden newfound courage. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the truth as her confession drew near. The nerves in my stomach knotted up to a point of unmovable tightness. The truth, I sensed, was a truth I wouldn’t believe until it lef
t her sweet lips.
“My daughter Olivia… that’s her name, Olivia” She hesitated. “I didn’t have her with another man. She’s yours. Ours.” She corrected herself last minute.
Life flashing before my eyes. I believed that only happened when you were close to death and reminded of all the things you’d done, good and bad. I had no control over the life that was racing past me. I’d become a father. I’d become a father and hadn’t been told. I’d become a father with the woman I never stopped loving. A woman who kept this secret from me.
For a moment, I sat there, lost for words or fully formed thoughts. It wasn’t until she called out to me that made me remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I’d just been told.
“How could you keep something like that from me? All these years…all this time. You could’ve called. You could’ve written!” My tone rose with every sentence to the point where I didn’t recognize my own voice.
“Olli, we’d both moved on. Every year that passed, it got harder.”
“You’re talking about details that could’ve changed my decision to leave. You suspected you were pregnant when I left, and you just let me go!” My nostrils flared, Benny suddenly feeling smaller as I approached her, backing away, cautious.
“Yes, I did, Olli. And I don’t regret it,” she boldly stated.
“How do you think it makes me feel to know I wasn’t there? I could’ve helped you. We could’ve figured a way to work things out.”
“You were a mess when you left. Always fucking miserable and questioning every little thing you did. I tried to be there for you. I tried to be supportive but nothing I did was ever good enough. You were taking your shortcomings out on me and I was not going to risk bringing a child into an unhealthy environment. Children have this way of keeping two unhappy people together, and I didn’t want that for myself. I didn’t want it for her either.”