by Tomas, G. L.
Benny instructed Olivia to get herself cleaned up for dinner, as I stood in the middle of the room, disappointed our first encounter had been cut so short. “I shouldn’t have expected her not to come to her own conclusion of who you were.” As Benny gave off the impression that she was ridden with guilt over unintentionally admitting she’d been listening in. “I’m sorry if you felt like she should—”
“I don’t want her to apologize for speaking her mind. It wasn’t an ideal first encounter, but I didn’t expect one based on the circumstances,” I interrupted.
It was no one’s fault we were in this situation, but it would’ve helped if Olivia would have at least known something about me. Even a little bit of information would have better prepared her for a situation like ours. We were different in some of the things I could tell from the surface, different upbringings, different mannerisms. But considering, I couldn’t have expected a better outcome.
“It just felt a little too grown for my taste. You’ll decide for yourself if and when you consider Olivia to be overstepping boundaries of parent and child, but until then, I just want to make sure she’s respectful.” She went on to admit how naturally curious Olivia had been before the exchange, but she hoped we could’ve all talked about it together. She’d been doing it alone all this time. I wasn’t shy about admitting I’d appreciated a one-on-one attempt at conversation.
She wouldn’t have to do things alone anymore. She wouldn’t have had to if she hadn’t been so fearful of picking up a phone to call me. But I wasn’t going to argue that factor. What we needed now was unity. Olivia deserved that much from us. “I am confident that this way was better than other possible outcomes. It didn’t blow up, as you might say.”
I could tell that Benny had wanted to explain the idiom better, but thought against it in the moment. “I should go—”
“Go?” Benny asked confused. “Go where?”
It’d slipped my mind that I’d booked a separate hotel room a few exits from here before we got on the road. I hadn’t done it out of spite, but I’m sure it appeared as such. I no longer felt the anger I once did having met the daughter I never knew. But I still needed time to myself to think. “I won’t be spending the night,” I admitted. “But I’m a phone call away if either of you need me.”
“Olli, I hope this isn’t about—”
“It isn’t about anything,” I interrupted. “I just need…time.” Benny appeared to have an understanding of my decision not to stay here despite the obvious. There may be a time I accept her invitation, but tonight wouldn’t be one of those times.
23
Benny
Here are the rules regarding your current punishment.
You are not to text me, with the only exception being in regards to Olivia.
There will be times I text you, and if it doesn’t require a response, you are not to reply.
Olivia is to be dressed and ready by seven-thirty when I pick her up to drop her off from school.
I will arrange to pick her up, too, and will text you if I plan to spend the afternoon with her, in any case, this form of communication will not require a reply.
For the duration of my stay, should you happen to break any of my rules, your punishment will be prolonged. Make me proud.
That was the text I received the night Olli and I had flown in to California. Since we’d come to the States, we hadn’t had a real conversation and while it was for my own benefit, the lack of communication between us worried me. The only time we’d really talked was when he admitted that whatever papers I’d signed back in Finland had been destroyed, and when he thought there’d be a better time to discuss it, he’d let me know.
That meant he and I were still technically married, and I had no idea how to feel about that. I guess I should’ve been happy. After all, being reunited and sharing my truth with him about our daughter made me realize that he had been the only man I’ve ever loved. But a part of me felt this overwhelming guilt of not getting in contact with him sooner. It only made it harder that non-communication was his favorite form of disciplining me. Verbal communication was how I worked through my issues and non-verbal was how he worked through his.
As much joy it brought me to see and feel Olivia’s excitement after seven years of not not knowing who he was, she’d finally had a father, I wondered just how long he’d planned to torment me in the process. What was on his mind? What was he thinking? What exactly was it he was feeling right now? I didn’t even have a hint of knowing as he isolated most of his free time focused on making up on lost time with his daughter. Unfortunately, all I seemed to receive were the regular check-ins, so it surprised me this morning when he texted me this morning asking if we could spend time, all three of us as a family, he called it. I wanted to see him but only after the torture was over. I loved my Dom but right now, I just needed my husband.
His Lexus RX rental pulled up at exactly nine A.M. and because it was the weekend, I’d let Olivia pick out her own clothes today. I’d even spent the morning doing her hair in an intricate design of intricate braids and loose ends because she, in the week of getting to know him, was obsessed with impressing her daddy. I pulled my own hair back in a low ponytail, choosing simple over eye-catching since in a way this day was for Olivia anyway. There wasn’t really a point for me to go all out when Olli saw me the exact same down as he did when I was dressed up. Unless under his request, I decided what I wore but I did miss the times when we lived together and he’d spend an hour of his free time setting aside clothes he thought I’d look good in. Even then I was able to put my faith in him to help me put my best foot forward. His guidance had always been a thing I craved.
My heart was a pool of emotions as Olli approached us, and Olivia leaped into his arms. He spun her around as she screamed in delight and even gushed when he complimented her hairstyle, just as I knew he would. He put her down and gestured for me to follow them to the car.
“Iskä, can I sit up front with you?” she asked with joy welling up in her soft brown eyes. The second day they spent together he’d made it known to her how much it would mean for her to call him Iskä, the Finnish term of endearment for daddy. I was sure he’d let her do anything she asked of him, as long as it followed with Iskä after it, so it surprised me when he bent down to meet her height and politely told her no.
“As much as I would love that, Olivia, I’d like it if your mom sat up with me today. Is that alright with you?” He brushed a gloved finger along her chubby cheek, which caused her to blush and smile. She nodded as he helped her into the backseat as I readied myself to the passenger side of his rental. It wasn’t like I expected to be banished to the backseat but seeing how he wasn’t talking to me in our normal way of functioning, I didn’t see much of a difference if I had.
Before I could make it to the door, Olli had finished helping Olivia in and was at my side to open my door and even helped strapped me in with the seatbelt with this knowing look in his eyes, that despite me being his version of disobedient and him taking disciplinary action as a result of it, he still found a way to let me know I was precious and cared for and that it’d all be over soon when he was ready to discuss what we’d do in the long run of decision making.
As he returned to the driver’s seat and started the car, he interlocked his strong, long fingers in mine, bringing the back of my hand to his sexy full pout to kiss. It wasn’t the affection I was hoping for, but it still felt good to feel his touch again. Inhale his skin again. Rejoice in the rush it gave me to have his sexy mouth against me. Maybe I hadn’t been great at earning it these days, but I was happy to see at least in the eyes of our daughter that it looked like we weren’t fighting.
“Missä olemme menossa?” I asked, the conversational Finnish I knew coming back to me as he pulled out into the road. That was one of the first things I learned to ask, moving with him to Finland. I’m sure he got tired of me asking where we were going because I pretty much asked every time we left the house.
/> “Tulet näkemään,” he answered me back in his low native tone. You will see. And while that was the most he’d managed to say to me directly all week, it didn’t take away the pride I’d felt at that moment. We were on our way to spend our first day together. Not just the two of us but as a family.
* * *
I should have assumed our first family outing would be someplace in the wilderness. I, for one, was a city girl and didn’t care for the great outdoors but Olli being from a country that prided itself on its scenic forest trails and legendary sights, he loved a day spent outside bonding with nature. With so many state parks to choose from, he’d chosen Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park for its waterfall and beautiful beach promises. I was amazed at how much Olivia was enjoying the steep path leading to the legion of landmarks this park was famous for. Before today, I’d always worked so much that when I did have the time to do our mother and daughter things, we did a lot of things I thought she liked, like going to the movies or going shopping. The few weekends I got off, I’d try and take her to theme or amusement parks. But seeing her take after her father with his love of animals and fresh air made me realize that quite often, I neglected spending time with her in a way that truly forced us to unplug from everything in our city life and just enjoy each other’s company in a way the city never gave us the chance to.
As both of us flanked her sides with her hand in each of our own, she began with her own little questioning. Things I hoped I’d have a few years with getting her used to the idea of us both being around, but perhaps there was no fooling her.
“Iskä, how did you meet my mami?” Olli’s eyes cast a teasing glare, all wide-eyed and mythically greener in the presence of natural surroundings, as he turned to look at me. A small smile formed at the corner of his full pout as if somehow seeking my permission to indulge her how we’d really gotten together. Up until last week, she hadn’t even known what he looked like, so I choked on the thought of preparing myself for this situation should it ever come up. I wasn’t asking with my eyes for Olli to lie, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to be one hundred percent honest.
“Well,” he started, “I met your mother on a blind date.” That was actually the truth, I laughed to myself. “What’s a blind date?” she tugged at our arms, signaling for us to lift her over a thick collection of branches that her short legs would have surely tripped over. She happily squealed as if she were taking off for flight.
“Well,” he paused, “it’s when you’re set up with someone through a friend you mutually share and respect who thinks you might like each other despite not having the opportunity to see each other’s photos first.”
Olivia laughed. “Why would anyone agree to go on a date with someone when you don’t know what they look like?”
“Because you trust your friends to know what sort of people you like. When your best friend thinks you might like a new TV show, don’t you trust them to know what your television preferences are before they suggest something to you?” he asked in a way helped Olivia understand without asking a dozen follow up questions.
“I guess so.”
“That’s how a blind date works.”
“Did you like my mom when you first met her?” He shot me a second look that was mysterious as it was playful. When I look back to that time, I wasn’t really sure what was going through his mind at the time, all I knew was how I felt. I’d never been more attracted to someone my first time meeting someone.
“Very much.” Was all he’d managed to say but in his own little way was like saying it was love at first sight.
“And did she like you?” He swung the hand he’d had interlocked with hers forward. “You’ll have to ask her.” Olivia turned to me, cheeks blushing and an innocent, goofy grin on her face. Olli knew how I’d felt but it didn’t stop him from putting me on the spot. If anything, it was good to show Olivia that feelings were there in any case Olli was serious as I thought he was about getting back together. She’d never seen me interact with a man in the same way I was around Olli. I hoped she’d internalized that as putting value in relationships that were special and not just the ones that were available for the time being.
“I did like him. He was so sweet and quiet. When he stood for the first time, I had to adjust my neck because I didn’t realize he’d be such a tall person. Maybe most would have been scared of him, but I thought he was very kind and polite.” We walked a small distance in silence until Olli decided to be the one to break character and add his own version of our story.
“Your mom was wearing this all-white dress, and back then, she used to style her hair the way she does yours. She was like no one I’d ever met before. She got me to smile within the first five minutes of knowing me. Besides you, your mom has been the only girl with the power to make me laugh. We talked to each other every day after our first date, even if it was to tell each other good morning and good night.” His take on the interpretation had sent a rain of shivers down my spine. He remembered such small details about our past and it warmed my heart knowing he was sharing those sweet moments with Olivia. I always wondered how his brutal honesty and straightforwardness would translate as he embraced the path to fatherhood but he’d somehow managed to stay true to himself without coming off as unloving. It would’ve been so nice to have him around in Olivia’s formative years. Although she was still so very young, a lot was bound to change with the possibility of her father being more present.
“Look at the beach.” Olivia broke free from our reigns as she darted at her own youthful speed at the landmark up ahead. “Olivia, stay at a distance where both of us can still see you. If we can’t see you, you’re too far away.” Olli demanded but it was the first time all week we’d had any moment alone where Olivia wasn’t an earshot away. I wanted, no needed to know how long it’d be until he was speaking to me again.
“Thank you for all the sweet things you said to Olivia.” Adjusting the gloves on his fingers, he stopped and glared at me with a bout of awkward silence. It wasn’t uncommon of him to resort to staring if he’d felt the last thing said to him didn’t require a response. He knew how much it meant to me to have conversations and express myself openly, so freezing me out was an effective form of discipline to correct my misbehavior. And I hated it!
“When are you going to decide to stop torturing me, Olli? Haven’t I been punished enough?” This time he’d broken his vow of silence just to give me a sliver of what I wanted from him. And that was an explanation of when this thing might be over soon. I just wanted to be his again.
“Not until I say you have. There are lots of things I’ve wanted to say but have chosen not to in fear that in my anger, I might misspeak. I promise you it is better we talk when I’m ready to provide you with a well-thought conclusion to my feelings about our unique scenario. In the meantime, it’s satisfying that we can be pleasant in front of our child while we figure out the issues between us. She spent seven birthdays not knowing anything about me. The last thing I want her to think is that her parents argue all the time or don’t get along.”
That, I appreciated. She was just a kid. A kid who’d gotten a father after years of praying for one any time she had a holiday wish. I wanted to display a united front, and unfortunately, this was just Olli’s dominant way of presenting that. Eventually, he would stop being angry with me but it wasn’t now and I had to respect that.
“You should see the way her eyes light up at the thought of me loving you. She knows her mother deserves love and happiness. Just like I do. But today isn’t for me or for you. It's for Olivia. We'll discuss it further when I decide that I'm speaking to you.” He brushed my cheek with his bare hand before he excused himself to join our daughter in her excitement of the gorgeous sight up ahead. A smile formed on my face as I watched the two of them splash around in the running water with threats to take their shoes off to see how deep the water went.
“Olli, please make sure she doesn’t get her hair wet,” I begged as he nodded and hoisted
her up on his shoulders only to have her scream about her being afraid that he would drop her.
“I would never drop you. My job from now on is to keep you safe. That’s if you want me around more.”
“I do want you around me,” she yelped the further he walked into the deep end of the water.
“Yes? But like every day more or like every week more?”
She rested her chin on the top of his head and guided him through the water by his ears. It was so precious. “Every day more. I’d miss you if I didn’t see you all the time like I see Mami.”
“I’d miss you, too.” And it was in that second that I took out my phone and wanted to capture this tender moment between them. Olli had years to make up in photo album memories. I couldn’t have thought of a better time than now to start.
“Hey, you guys. Let me get a picture of you two.”
“No.” Olli shook his head with a playful smile.
“C’mon; please,” I begged, but his mind didn’t budge. Was he really so upset with me that I couldn’t take a picture?
“If you want a photo, take your shoes off and come in with us. The only way I’ll let you take it if you’re also in the photo.” He provided a more thorough explanation. I stripped out of my socks and shoes and got waist deep in the water, clutching my phone tightly so that I wouldn’t drop it. With her still on his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and together we captured our first, in what I’d seen as many more, family photos. My definition of the perfect day.
24
Benny
One positive thing about today? At least I knew the way Olli was treating me was temporary. I admit I wasn’t pleased with the lack of attention I was so used to getting from him in better circumstances. But I was humbled by the fact he was spending it with our daughter. It was hard being jealous knowing I’d racked up years of memories with Olivia; at best, he’d had a few days.