by Tomas, G. L.
The sight of them together? I admit it made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I knew why I’d come here, but Olli had dominated me, made love to me, fucked me, loved me. I had a lot to make up for, but ever since I got off that plane and saw him, I couldn’t help but feel like the man I’d loved had never meant to leave my side in the first place. I’m sure I didn’t see their true relationship in all its forms. But so much has changed since we were rescued out of that cabin.
Olli knew. He now knew more linked the two of us than a simple marriage certificate. Even if we hadn’t spent a day learning each other the way that we had, I would’ve told him after he left, I found out I’d been six weeks pregnant. That I was scared, and didn’t want to leave California but hadn’t wanted him to leave his home either. With so many mixed emotions, the weight of being pregnant with only the help of my mom, the lingering shame of a failed marriage, I had convinced myself if my mother could do it, I could too.
When you thought you’d never see a person again, everything seemed like it’d make sense if you took things one day at a time. But I got off that plane and saw him and told myself, he needed to know. Even if he and Anna hated me forever, even if it put me in a place where I was in his life in a way less than ideal, I would’ve told him. Because Olivia back home deserved to know. Because of above all, Olli had made me feel being snowed in proved he had deserved to know from the beginning.
I’d made a mess of the situation, but I didn’t have the past. I only had now. I couldn’t help thinking what the omission of truth had done to Olli’s life. Olli was vulnerable in more ways than one. In the course of 24 hours, he’d dealt with his courtship Anna being tested. He had reconnected with me in a way I didn’t think we could walk away from. And most of all he’d learned he’d fathered a child. Our child. There was no way to tell what this all hitting him at once made him feel.
If Olli was another man, it wouldn’t have surprised me if he had come back to this car and reminded me that while being snowed in had been fun, now that we had gotten it out our system it had been time to return back to our lives where we didn’t exist to each other anymore. But Olli wasn’t another man. Learning he’d become a father—learning I’d hidden the fact he was one—took some processing, but I couldn’t help feeling I’d pushed him further from the life he’d made for himself as well as push him further away from me.
* * *
I knew many of them would be hard to answer, but I wished he’d had more questions. Anything would’ve been better than Olli keeping to himself the entire duration of the drive to the airport. I internally reminded myself that I’d rocked the boat enough. We’d been apart close to a decade, but I knew what he needed just as much as he with me.
When I had asked him for space, he’d been happy to give it. It’d be best to award him the same courtesy. I had owed him that much. It wasn’t up to me to convince him he and I deserved a second chance, especially since I hadn’t been as good as I could’ve been making sure he wasn’t missing out on his daughter’s life.
I had to face facts. He wanted to see Olivia, but he might be so upset with me, I may have to come to terms that I’d ruined any chance at us having a future with all three of us involved. Maybe, in the beginning, I thought if I’d called him, we could be a family. But the more I got used to his absence, the more I convinced myself I’d only cause pain and grief if I had called.
I hadn’t wanted Olivia to ever feel rejected, and even though it was Olli’s responsibility as her biological father, there had been this fear that he’d want nothing to do with me either way and then I’d be worse off than I was now.
At least now I knew he had a genuine interest in what I had kept from him for so long. My phone vibrated in my pocket. Almost as if she knew I’d been thinking of her in this very moment. My caller ID read Home, but I could almost guarantee the person on the opposite end would be Olivia.
Olivia wasn’t used to us ever being apart for so long in a short amount of time. From the time I’d carried her to giving birth—even now—never more than a twelve-hour day a work shift ever kept us apart. She’d missed me, but the feeling was mutual. Mami was missing her just as much as the other way around. Olli wasn’t speaking to me; what could it hurt to just let her know I was on my way home?
“¡Oye, bella!” Kissing sounds made from my end of the phone seemed to catch Olli’s attention. I know he was avoiding me, but the sound of Olivia’s laughing voice brought me out my pit of darkness wondering what to expect next from Olli.
“Mami, where are you?”
“I’m on my way to the airport, baby. You know your Mami misses you, though!” I whined through the phone, and I noticed not all parties were as happy as I was listening in on my conversation. I tried not to notice every tell Olli’s body reveal, but his knuckles turned white, clenching his fist at the use of the term Mami being thrown back and forth. He knew who I was talking to; I just hoped he didn’t think I was trying to throw it in his face. I know he’d only just known about her, but she relied on my presence, my call, my voice to assure her she felt safe. Even him being upset with me felt small and insignificant in this moment.
His hand loosened its tense grip the longer he listened in on our conversation. Our conversation was a mixture of asking about my time here, what she’s been up to in school, as well as a lot of nothing. Even he had to know that despite his feelings about me, we shared something bigger than both of us in common.
Olivia.
As his hands and facial expressions softened against the backdrop of our conversation, I felt guilty knowing there’d be no passing Olli the phone so he could receive the same affirmation and love I got from this call. That made me feel the most guilty of all the things I’d been responsible for in my short time here.
“I love you, Mami.”
A mixture of a laugh and almost-cry combined with my reply. “I love you, too, baby.” Both us of fought to hang up the phone on our ends. I waited for the call to drop and put my phone screen in its lock screen before placing it back into my pocket. We reached the entrance driveway of the airport and I tried to only think of how long it’d take me to get home. Anything beat having to think about how long it would take for Olli to speak to me.
Focus on Olivia. If I focused on my daughter, I wouldn’t have to focus on Olli. I wouldn’t have to think about him as my husband, or that in time he could become my ex-husband. The worse had already dome, but if there was worse to expect, at least I’d be prepared for it. We exited the car after Olli parked in the nearby garage and fetched our luggage from the trunk. It’d be another few minutes before we reached the first gate. Olli fixed the collar of his jacket.
“Are you coming?”
22
Olli
With an eighteen-hour trip between layovers and delays, I was sure I’d be able to balance my worrisome mind with other things. It wasn’t looking to be the case so far. All I could think about was how afraid I was. I couldn’t know, or even plan what I would’ve liked to say. From Benny’s recollection, the daughter I never knew, knew nothing about me either. I don’t think I had ever been this nervous. Except…for that time I was on one knee proposing to Benny.
What if I made the wrong impression. What if I said the wrong thing? What course of action would I take should Olivia not want a father? What do I say to make her feel good about my absence all this time? All these hypothetical situations frightened me. It was a relief I hadn’t been showing any signs of it to Benny.
I had to exude strength when I felt like I had none. I was glad Benny had gotten rest in the times of our many stops, but I envied the fact she’d had less to worry about. From listening to their phone conversations, she was well loved. One can only dream of building a relationship that strong.
Once we reached California, something in the air changed. I tried not to notice it, but it was there, eating away at not just me, but Benny too. I rented a car so we would be able to move from destination points much faster, and let’s f
ace it—in a place like California, the only way to travel was by car. Benny managed to convince me to make a pit stop to get coffee, and I didn’t object because I could’ve used the caffeine. I’d gotten two hours of decent sleep, tops. I wanted to be alert, but if she offered to drive, I wouldn’t stop her.
It wasn’t long before the destination was in the rental’s GPS and challenged with an hour and a half drive to her place. A quiet drive didn’t bother me; I quite enjoyed the ambiance of the sound of other cars on the road, forcing yourself to learn the vehicle you’d have a connection with for the limited time you had with it. But once we reached the general area of Benny’s living situation, I can’t say that I was pleased.
Benny hadn’t mentioned much, but she had shared that she would be moving in with her mother soon, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she were struggling financially. The neighborhood we drove through was probably safer than it looked, but it didn’t feel right knowing Olivia and Benny had been living in poverty, all the while in Finland, I’d been doing the complete opposite.
The GPS lead me to a modest apartment building, a two-story house, which I’m sure they occupied one of the floors. “You sure you want to do it so soon?” Benny protested. “You’re running on an hour and a half of sleep and—”
“If I don’t do it now, I fear I’ll lose my nerve,” I interrupted. “I’ve waited long enough. I think I deserve to see my child after learning of her existence.”
Benny quietly agreed, sensing how withdrawn I’d been the last few hours. From the look on her face, I’m sure she was surprised I was finally showing some sort of emotion. The animosity between us? It was going to be there until it wasn’t. But I’d say introducing me to Olivia would be the start of something evolving.
Deep down, I knew this was gently punishing her. She wanted inside my head, and I couldn’t give her that right now. Nothing but opposing forces controlled my emotions right now, and a part of me needed the space. Without it, I couldn’t be the Olli she wanted me to be, needed me to be.
What felt like hours had only been a mere thirty-four seconds from the time I pulled up, to the time we got out the car. She led me to the entrance, a dark red door with light brown outlining. The apartment itself didn’t look that bad. In fact, I’d call it charming if the house next door didn’t have boards on one of the windows. But I nearly bumped my head on the front door’s low entrance height. Some places got it right in the US, but I’m sure I was spoiled from most of my homes being built from scratch and accommodating my tall frame.
“Do you mind hanging out in the living room at first? Just so I can have a moment to explain things better?” Benny whispered, forcing me to lean down to her height to hear her better. “You’re her father, but you’ll still be a stranger as far as she’s concerned. Give her more than a chance encounter, okay?”
Benny took my nod for an answer, disappearing into rooms foreign to me in her home. If I had been present this whole time, I’d know exactly which room was the kitchen, the place I’d prepare coffee and morning breakfast. It pained me to know I wouldn’t even know which bedroom was ours or Olivia’s. That is if she even had one. I couldn’t imagine moving in with someone based on convenience and things being accommodating. Benny’s home may as well had been a labyrinth. A maze of frustration and wonder that could only lead me to feel even more insignificant than I felt. I should’ve just followed Benny. Get the moment over and done with.
But I’d waited this long. What were a few more minutes?
Several voices could be heard from a distance, both mature but one significantly older. Benny’s mother, perhaps? Even if I had been close enough to eavesdrop, it wouldn’t have mattered. Since Spanish was Benny’s mother tongue, why would I expect her to converse to her mother in any other language?
I understood some, but I should have made a stronger effort when I’d had a patient teacher. In comparison, Spanish had always come off more assertive than my natural language, so I wasn’t able to tell the tone in the way they spoke enough to consider it a heated exchange or healthy conversation.
A soft, kind, younger voice joined in. Surely, that was my daughter unless someone else lived here. Her understanding in Spanish was minimal, maybe even less than mine, and I couldn’t help thinking we already had something in common.
“I’d like for you to meet someone, Olivia.” My heart skipped a beat. Were my palms getting sweaty already? There was a tightness in my jaw I couldn’t relax if I tried. The moment was here. Whatever happened now would make or break me.
Every detail in the way this meet up ended would give me insight on what’s to come for the rest of our lives. The sound of footsteps made a brick form in the back of my throat and I just hoped as the door opened, I’d be able to speak. Benny led Olivia, hand-in-hand, as she stole a look before directing her attention back to her mother. Even in person, it was hard to ignore her warm brown skin and thick curly hair. Other than that, she’d grew much more than I call tell from a single image shared through phones. If I had seen her walking by before Benny’s reveal, I would have certainly had questions.
“This is my friend Olli, the one I was telling you about?” Her attempt at reiterating whatever she’d shared about her several minutes before. Olivia was reluctant to speak, but I knew why. There was fear in her body language but more curiosity than anything. Was she smart enough to piece together why this encounter was so important?
I hadn’t casually been around children save for visiting family on holiday so sometimes I forgot just how small a little human could be. I took the awkward silence as an opportunity to introduce myself. “Hi Olivia, my name is Olli,” I smiled, hoping she caught the nod to her name with mine. “I’m sure your mother told you we knew each other from a really long time ago, but as soon as I saw her again, she wanted to tell me about you.”
I couldn’t believe I was staring at her, face-to-face. She didn’t appear as happy to see me, but that didn’t matter to me. She already seemed more independent than I thought she’d be. Studying my appearance closely, it didn’t take long before she turned to her mother and asked, “Can I talk to your friend by myself?” Benny had done her best to convince Olivia that her presence would’ve helped answer more questions. But Olivia was firm. Her insistence forced Benny to excuse herself into the next room, but not before reassuring her she’d only be a room away if we needed her.
Once Olivia was convinced Benny had gone a considerable distance, she revealed just how perceptive she really was. “I kind of look like you.” As her lip curled, not quite disgusted, but trying her best to figure me out.
“You look like your mother, too.” She hadn’t given me much to reply to, but her next words confirmed her suspicions about me being here.
“Are you my daddy?” She hadn’t wasted any time, surprising me with her overfamiliarity. How could this not be my daughter? She was to the point with one of her first questions. She didn’t favor me all the way, but she looked enough like both of us to come to her assumption.
“Biologically, yes,” I admitted, trying not to patronize her. “Would you believe that I didn’t know about you until now?”
“I don’t know,” She spoke in an indifferent tone, like she was challenging my lack of emotion. “Mami never talks about you. I didn’t even know you’d be…” Whatever she’d wanted to say, in a moment of choosing her words more carefully, she’d chosen not to finish the sentence.
“Be what?” I asked to counter her hesitation.
“White?” She admitted shyly. It’d almost come out like a question. Like she wasn’t sure she was allowed to say it.
“Yes, I am white but I am also Finnish.”
She looked confused. “What’s that?”
“It is what you call a person from Finlandia,” I smiled back. “The way you are an American because you are from the United States of America, Finland is where I am from.”
Olivia’s lip curled to one side, taking in me and all my words. “So I guess that’s why we�
��ve never met. Because you live so far away?”
“Olivia, if I had known about you, there would have been no reason I would have lived so far away. I am sorry for how much time I’ve been away. I would love to make that time up if you’d let me.” I made it clear that I wanted to make time for her, but only if she were interested in rehashing our relationship. As her demeanor changed, her emotions became unreadable to me. She gave me one last look over and created a distance between us, despite never losing conversation with me.
“Sometimes it just seems like all the girls at my school have a daddy. I used to wonder why I was the only one without one, but I guess you were too far away. I wish you’d been around more,” As an ocean of guilt washed over me. So much, I thought I’d drown if what she said next was turning me away. “I guess you’re here now right? Is it for good this time?”
“Olivia, look at me.” I bent down to meet her height and saw the many things she shared physically with Benny. Deep brown eyes, thick eyebrows, and a curt smile. “I know I can’t make up for yesterday, but I’d like to make up for today, tomorrow, and forever if you let me. I’d understand if you don’t forgive me, but I want a daughter-father relationship with you. How does that sound?”
“Sure,” Olivia shrugged, and for some strange reason, it made me laugh.
“Just, sure?”
“Did you want me to say no?” Before I could even answer, Benny stormed through the room. Her main intention was to have Olivia mind her manners, presuming the tone she’s used to be sharp in nature. I hadn’t come to that conclusion myself, but even if I had, I would’ve encouraged Olivia to speak freely. She didn’t owe me her immediate respect.