Maltese Vulture Murder

by Leslie Langtry

  It was hopeless. I was hopeless. This gurney was not conveniently folding up with the push of a button, and I was running out of time. At any moment, someone could come looking for this equipment, and I'd have to make up some story about how my lifelong wish was to learn how to operate a gurney and could they please promise to forget I was ever here?

  A door slammed somewhere, and I jumped. Time was up. I swung open the door and shoved the gurney into the stairwell. Unfortunately, I shoved a little too hard and the bed on wheels slipped out of my grip and began banging its way down the stairs.

  I ran after it, but it was too late. That gurney hit every single step with a very loud kachunk. I'd reach out and just about have it when it hit another one, and another one, all the way to the landing before the stairwell turned for the next half of the trip. The renegade gurney hit the wall just before the turn, finally coming to a squeaky stop.

  Have you ever been in a hospital stairwell? For reasons that I'll never understand, it's the one place they never soundproof. Every bang was amplified, echoing up and down the stairwell. I had nothing more to lose as I caught up to it, swung it around, and pushed the thing to the basement level. It was still as loud as two trains crashing into each other in an echo chamber, but at least I had my hands on it.

  Then, I waited. If anyone had heard me, I'd rather they think I'm an idiot who tripped over the gurney in the hall on the first floor and somehow managed to open the door as the thing propelled itself down the stairs.

  Waiting for someone to catch you is no fun. I'd had a lot of experience with it. Whether it was hiding in a tank in a World War I museum while fleeing a dude with an Uzi, wearing a Harry Potter costume, or holding my breath behind a tree as a rampaging herd of howler monkeys (I really didn't know I had eaten their bananas—it's not like they had their names on them) passes you by, it never gets easier.

  There is a rule of thumb. When you're waiting to see if you'll be discovered, I've found that three minutes is a safe bet. If no one comes to investigate after three minutes, you're home free.

  I waited five. Just to be safe.

  The first camera was aimed at the floor about fifteen feet into the hall. Which gave me the wiggle room to ease the gurney through the doorway into the hall and drape the sheet over the top so that it covered the space underneath. I climbed under the gurney and the sheet. Very slowly (and very awkwardly), I duckwalked beneath the gurney, under all of those cameras, sight unseen. And I was pretty sure there was enough room for Nellie Lou for the return trip.

  Of course, there was still the problem of a gurney, moving by itself, down a hallway, showing up in the digital files. But it wouldn't implicate me. Which was the goal.

  When I finally got to the door, I slid up against it. The gurney was a smidge higher than the lock, so with a lot of difficulty, I was able to pick the lock without being seen. The next part was tricky as I opened the door and maneuvered the cart inside.

  I sat under the gurney for a full five minutes, trying to slow the beating of my heart. It had been a bizarre trip, but now I was here, ready to pick up my girl. Using the light from my cell, I ran past the windows that faced the hall and pressed my back against the wall on the other side.

  No alarms went off. No one came to investigate, which was odd—don't you think— after a gurney, of its own volition, rolled down a hallway? Maybe no one was watching the cameras. Hopefully I'd get this lucky on the trip back.

  Soo Jin's desk was as neat as a pin. Everything was labelled and organized. And yay! The room was devoid of dead bodies. Well, except for Bingley, who I assumed was still languishing in a freezer. I placed the gurney by the door. If anyone came in, they'd bump into it, but it wasn't likely that they'd think the thing was out of place.

  After snatching a couple of latex gloves from a box on Soo Jin's desk, I slid them on and began to search for my dead bird. The office was pretty big, with an additional examination area. Where would Soo Jin have put her? My stomach clenched. She didn't send her away for testing, did she?

  It was dark, but I went through every closet and drawer before I found the beast. Nellie was wrapped in a large, clear plastic bag. For a moment I was torn, thinking the medical examiner hadn't had enough time to examine her, but I'd rather take her now so she wasn't stolen later.

  "Let's go," I said to the bird.

  There were voices in the corridor, causing my heart to pound loudly. This was the only office in this wing on this floor. And they were getting closer. Pretty soon, I'd be able to see them through the window on the door, which meant they'd also be able to see me.

  A shadow began to fill the doorway, and I dove under the exam table. A cloth draped over one side, shielding me temporarily, but the other side that faced the far wall was completely exposed. If it was Soo Jin or her orderlies, I could easily play the loveable idiot who missed her dead vulture. But if it was someone looking for Nellie Lou, I might be in trouble. At least I was covered on one side, and depending on how thoroughly these people searched, I might get through this without being caught.

  Please be Soo Jin, I pleaded silently. If it was her, I could explain myself. If it wasn't…

  "What makes you think it's in here?" a man's voice grumbled.

  "We've looked everywhere else," another said.

  I didn't recognize either voice, but I wasn't about to risk being seen by peeking out from my hiding place. Was it the same orderlies from earlier? Had they forgotten a baseball mitt or toy car? The idea made me start to giggle, and I covered my mouth with my hand.

  "We haven't exactly checked every place, now have we?" the first man snapped.

  "Look," the other said, "you need to stop giving me a hard time. The boss put me in charge, and you have to trust me."

  That sounded more like something an orderly might say, and I relaxed a bit.

  "Yeah, right." It was like I could hear the man roll his eyes.

  Someone was walking toward me.

  "See?" The footsteps stopped right next to the table. I could see the outline of their legs through the cloth. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You belittle everything I do."

  "That's because you're a moron. I still don't see why I wasn't put in charge."

  "That's very insensitive and rude. I don't call you names. Maybe it's your attitude that the boss doesn't like."

  "Maybe it's your attitude that the boss doesn't like," the first guy mimicked in a sing-song falsetto.

  I had to admit, the first guy was kind of a jerk. But I wasn't going to tell him that.

  There was a heavy sigh. "I can't work with you. I'm going to request a transfer."

  If Soo Jin was the boss they were talking about, I knew for a fact she wouldn't tolerate this kind of bullying. Bullying was a sore spot with me, and we'd had a few sessions in our troop about how to handle this sort of thing.

  A few months ago, a couple of older girls were tormenting Caterina. She told us at a meeting, and we dropped everything to discuss it. We did a pretty good job, too, brainstorming nonlethal ways to stop these girls.

  Yes, you shouldn't have to make a conscious effort to discuss nonlethal anything with a troop, but then, most troops didn't have a Betty. After shooting down every one of her suggestions, from a brass knuckle beatdown in the alley behind the school to reporting the bullies as terrorists to the Homeland Security Hotline (I thought that was very creative, by the way), we ended with the girls all promising to watch out for Caterina and come to her aid if they saw her being teased.

  It was Rex who told me, two days later, that they found three fifth graders dangling upside down from the little bridge in the park that we used for bridging ceremonies (to be fair, it was only five feet high). The girls had been tied so thoroughly and so well they had to cut the ropes off with a bolt cutter.

  When free, the girls refused to say what had happened to them but confessed to Rex that they'd been tormenting Caterina and vowed to make it up to her with four dozen snickerdoodles. Rex wanted to know if I knew a
nything about it.

  I lied and said no, but in truth, I knew that Betty's favorite cookies were snickerdoodles and that she was a knots mastermind who'd nailed the insanely hard monkey fist knot during the troop's first attempt at a square knot. At the next meeting, Caterina said the girls had apologized profusely and vowed to help her clean her room every week until school ended.

  The girls all gave Betty a knowing nod, but the feisty Girl Scout behaved as if she had no idea what they were talking about, as she cleaned her fingernails with a stiletto (which I, of course, confiscated).

  Maybe I could suggest that Soo Jin hire Betty to sort these two out? She'd make a great fixer for the mafia.

  The slamming of file drawers brought me back to the present. These two were searching without talking. I stayed where I was, clutching Nellie Lou to my chest, hoping they'd find whatever it was and get out of here.

  "It's not here!" the bully snarled. "This is another waste of time! Just like that weird woman's house!"

  Wait…what?

  "We would've been able to search the whole house if you'd been on time that morning. But noooooo. You had to have breakfast."

  A house? That they didn't search thoroughly?

  "I have to eat," the bully protested, "or I'm grumpy for the rest of the day!"

  The other man snapped, "How's that any different from now?"

  "And our lookout didn't give us enough time to get out of there. Or else we wouldn't have been spotted. And who uses a yellow pickup truck for clandestine ops?"

  These were the guys who'd ransacked my old house!

  "Wait!" the one in charge said. "Did you hear something?"

  I froze. Had I made a sound? Did I crinkle Nellie's bag, or gasp? With my training, it didn't seem very likely, but it was possible that in the excitement of finding out who my burglars were that I made a small mistake.

  "I didn't hear anything," the other said sarcastically. "Let's get this over with and get out of here!"

  "You don't give the orders here!" the one in charge snapped. "I do!"

  "Fine." The other sighed. "What's the order?"

  "We should get this over with and get out of here. Someone in security might check the cameras any second."

  "I still don't know why we didn't spray them with paint like we usually do," the bully grumbled.

  "Because it makes too much of a mess." The leader sighed. "And they might notice that the cameras are covered and come down here to check."

  So, they were both on camera, then. I guess they weren't smart enough to use a gurney like I had. When they were gone, I'd have to find a way to check the security camera to see who these guys were.

  The table over my head shook as someone ran into it.

  "Ouch! This is stupid! We shouldn't be sneaking around in the dark! We could've just killed those orderlies and used their clothes!"

  "And that's another reason why you aren't in charge! This is a small town. One body makes a huge splash here, let alone three. We can't just kill anyone in our path to get what we're looking for."

  I had to agree with him there, mostly because I didn't want to get killed either. But they were wrong on one body throwing this town for a loop.

  "Let's just go," the other insisted.

  "Fine." Guy number one sighed. "Check under that table, and we're out of here."

  My heart stopped. My hiding place was the only table in the room. And it sounded like these were the guys who trashed my house and just might've killed Bingley in my garage. They wouldn't hesitate to kill me now that I was a witness.

  Oh sure, I had some mad combat skills and wasn't going to make it easy. But I was on the floor huddled under a table, holding a dead king vulture, and they were on their feet and grown men.

  There was nowhere to run as I saw a pair of legs come toward me. These guys were going to find Nellie Lou and me, and even though I'd put up one hell of a fight, they would probably be able to overpower me.

  If only I had Betty's brass knuckles. Or Betty…

  The only thing going for me was the element of surprise. They were looking for Nellie Lou, not me. Very carefully, I set the bird down and went from a sitting position to a crouch on my feet. The minute that cloth came up, I was going to dive for his knees and take him down hard.

  With any luck, he'd hit his head on the way down and I'd grab Nellie Lou and race past the other and get out of here. It would come down to timing. And in tight quarters like these, it would have to be choreographed well. And considering that a few minutes ago I'd inadvertently thrown a gurney down a flight of stairs, my confidence was a little low.

  I thought about the layout of the room and tried to imagine where the guy the boss put in charge was standing. The legs on the other side of the cloth bent, and I saw a large hand come down and grasp the edge of the cloth.

  This was it, do or die time. I summoned every ounce of energy I could and prepared to spring.

  Then, the fire alarm went off. A loud, grating sound, followed by a woman's voice over the speaker system.

  "Code 3F," she said calmly. "We have a code 3F in the morgue."

  Oh crap.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The men were running out the door in seconds, and I heard the door to the outside slam shut. I was safe from the intruders, but now I was in danger of discovery by security. I was exchanging men who wanted to kill me for men who wanted to arrest me.

  There wasn't much I could do but make a run for it. But then, I'd be on the security cameras. As I got out from under the table, I knocked a lab coat that had been on the table onto the floor. And that gave me an idea.

  Anyone watching the security cameras who might have been disturbed by the ghostly gurney was probably even more startled to see a being fleeing the morgue wearing a lab coat with a king vulture head sticking out of the neck hole.

  It was a bit of a risk, but I'll bet it looked really cool.

  * * *

  After hiding Nellie Lou in our attic, I spent the rest of the night pretending to sleep, my mind racing to make sense of what had happened. If Rex suspected anything, he wasn't saying. He'd come to bed with the usual kiss and hug before he fell asleep.

  Who were these new guys? They said they'd broken into my house and they were here searching for Nellie Lou. My thoughts reeled back to Sun and Moon. But these two didn't sound like them. Did that mean Mr. Sun and Mr. Moon weren't the bad guys? Or were these two new men, looking for the same thing?

  I really wish I'd had the presence of mind to go upstairs to security after my escape to see who they were. Those guys had said that they tore up my house. No, wait, they called me something…that weird woman? Did they know me? Did I know them? I had to admit, they pretty well tagged me on being odd. I didn't see it as an insult. How can someone who was a spy, move to Iowa and start a Girl Scout troop? Oh, I was weird alright. But how did they know that?

  These two men were looking for Nellie Lou. Did that mean they'd been connected to Norbert Bingley? Rex had said something about the possibility of Bingley being a crooked cop. That did seem like a solid reason to fake your death.

  And why did Bingley fake his death if he had family? After all, Randi said that Nellie's owner had died and the family returned the bird. What was so important that you'd want your family to think you're dead?

  My mind pinged back to earlier. The morgue guys said they were working for someone. Which meant that they weren't the brain trust. Just how many people were involved in this mess? And were the two goofy goons I'd encountered just a couple of weirdos who really had come off the highway searching for antiques?

  No, I was pretty sure that Sun and Moon and the morgue guys were all after Nellie Lou. I had to find out what they were looking for before they came back.

  * * *

  "Mrs. Wrath!" The girls swarmed me the moment I hit Peterson Park the next day.

  Kelly was already there and looked worried. That's when I noticed that the other troop was also there. Somehow I'd managed to be the last one
to arrive. Had something happened already? Had Delaney already annoyed everyone by shrieking that her daddy was the mayor? Had Sophie set fire to Delaney for being annoying? And most importantly, where was Betty?

  Pam and Tammi gave me a tight smile as I wriggled free of a group hug. Maybe they were jealous of how close my troop was. Silently, I counted all the girls and discovered that no one was on fire. I extricated myself gently and made my way over to the other leaders.

  "Hey," I said brightly, "this is going to be fun!"

  Pam struggled to smile back as she and Tammi walked over to their girls and herded them to join the rest of us.

  "You look terrible." Kelly studied me. "Like you didn't sleep a wink last night."

  "I had too much sugar for dinner," I lied.

  Kelly nodded. I wasn't sure if I should be insulted that Kelly seemed to find that sugar for dinner sounded plausible.

  "Your troop is so…" Tammi frowned as she searched for the right word. "Cohesive."

  "Yes, they are," I agreed.

  "Mrs. Wrath!" Lauren tugged on my T-shirt. "Did you hear about the ghost?"

  "Ghost?" I asked.

  The girl nodded. "At the morgue last night! It's all over town!"

  Kelly gave me a curious look as the girl whipped out her cell phone and pulled up her Instagram account.

  "It's all over the internet," Lauren added.

  She tapped the screen, and there it was, or rather, there I was, impersonating a ghostly gurney as it rolled across the floor. I acted like it was the most interesting thing ever, as the door pushed open and the gurney rolled into the office.

  "Wow!" I feigned innocence. "That's crazy!"

  Please don't let them have my escape as a vulture/woman in a lab coat.

  "And there's nothing showing the gurney leaving!" Lauren said.

  There wasn't?

  Betty joined us. "Sounds like a phase four ectoplasmic poltergeist. Probably scattered the gurney's atoms, rendering it invisible."