by K. L. Jessop
The city lights around me merge into one. Panic builds across my chest. The sound of Christmas activity causes the blood to rush in my ears as it becomes hard to breathe. I’ve lost them. I shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t be here. I have no recollection my body has moved until I feel the thud of my feet on the ground, running into the cold wind as hot tears begin to soak my skin.
“Tamzin, wait!”
I’ve never cried for them. I never knew how. But as I push my way through the crowd and head toward the Jubilee Bridge the tears don’t show any sign of stopping. The rawness inside me is too powerful. My skin feels as if it is on fire. Years of grief burning its way to the surface and bleeding me dry. I choke out uncontrolled sobs, ripping the scarf from my neck as it suffocates my throat. I stumble forward as my legs weaken. Grabbing onto the railings of the bridge, I fall to my knees while years of heartache leaves my tremulous body.
Noel.
I already knew what was wrong. As soon as the veterans band started playing the Tamzin I was just laughing with instantly vanished and became that lost and terrified young girl. Her face was grey, her eyes wide with unshed tears waiting to spill as she looked right through me. I’d never saw her that vulnerable and unprotected, and something told me that this was the time when the grief suddenly caught hold of her.
Dodging my way through endless people, I call but she carries on. Like the further she runs the easier it will become. Panic strikes me harder when I lose sight of her for a few seconds. I want to hold her. I want to love her. I want to protect her. As the crowd breaks, I see her. The deep painful sobs coming from a small broken woman on her knees is a blow to the gut. My heart hurt for her. I wanted to take that pain away so all she felt was happiness and love. I hated to see her this way but I’m glad I’m here to catch her.
She doesn’t flinch as I kneel beside her, the heat off of her body radiating through her coat as her small frame convulses with heartache. Peeling her hand from the railings, I place it around my shoulders as my arm circles around her waist. Pulling her close as her other hand still grips the bridge. She isn’t close enough. I want to hold her with every part of me but she won’t let go. Like she will cave further into her anguish if she gives into the fight she is already battling. I place my hand over hers, removing her fingers from the bars one by one. “Let go, Tami,” I say softly.
“I—I can’t.”
“You can. I’ve got you.”
As soon as she does, her arm flings around my neck, gripping onto me like her life depends on it. I smooth my hand over her hair as I rock us against the cold. “I want them back, Noel. It hurts so bad.”
“Shh, I know,” I whisper. “You’re going to be ok, Angel. I promise everything’s going to be ok.”
“Make it stop,” she weeps. “Please make it stop.”
The night grows darker as the bitter cold soaks into the core. I don’t know how long we stay on the bridge, but Tamzin’s sobs drift softly into shudders as she breathes against my neck. The thickness of our coats prevent the closeness of our skin, creating a barrier I don’t want. The drive home is silent as she rests against the window. I hold her hand to let her know she has me.
Once inside, I help Tamzin change back into her winter socks and oversized jumper as silent tears slide down her cheeks. I stoke up the fire and pour us some wine while silent night plays softly in the background. The tightness in my chest never eases as my concerns are on overload. When you lose someone you love it’s the worst feeling in the world but I had my family with me. Tamzin was alone and unaware that what she feels is part of the harrowing process.
She sits on the sofa crossed-legged, hair messed, eyes red and puffy. I watch her daydreaming as the embers of the fire flicker in her grey eyes. She’s my beautiful broken girl and I want to somehow make it right. She’s not spoken a word since the bridge and I need something, anything just to know I haven’t lost her completely.
“I miss them so much,” she murmurs. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten about them and I fight to get those memories back. But when I do think of them it hurts so much I want it to stop.” I move closer, taking her hand as her tears fall. “December was always our favourite month. Everything was over exaggerated and bright. The house full of magic and life. Every morning I’d bounce out of bed and ran down the stairs to see what fun would fill another day. The twenty-one years I had with them were incredible and our Christmases were the best.” She wipes her tears with her sleeves. “In all those years I shared with them December never felt like it does now. It’s cold and dark and I loathe it. Everything is gone and as much as I want it back because I feel like I’m letting them down, I don’t know how to overcome it. I don’t want to feel like this when I think of them.” She turns to look at me. “I don’t want to be this person anymore, Noel, because that’s not who they brought me up to be.”
“Shh.” I pull her into my arms and hold her tight. She needs this. To finally let go of the pain so she can rebuild a life she sees as broken. “What you feel is normal, Tamzin. It’s all part of how you deal with loss. Yours just took a little longer to break through.”
“I feel like I’m weak.”
“You’re not weak, Angel. It just means you have a heart.” I stroke her hair, resting my chin on her head. If I could take her pain and relive what I’ve already been through myself I would. “I know it’s hard, and I know you’re hurting, but it’s now your time to begin to accept that they’re gone and try to build your life back. I know you can do it because you’ve been doing it with me. You can’t see that spark in your eyes or the life that shines in your presence but it’s there. I see it. You just have to believe.”
“You’re helping me believe, Noel.” She looks up at me. “I don’t think I could have gotten through another December if it wasn’t for you, and I may not have always shown it but I really do appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”
“I’m right here with you.” Her eyes are filled with courage and warmth. The glow from the soft light in the room makes her more beautiful than ever as she holds my gaze. Tonight has changed something between us. Brought us even closer in our hearts, not just our bodies.
“I’m scared,” she says barely above a whisper.
My eyes narrow. “Of what?”
“Being alone. I don’t want to wake up feeling like that anymore.”
I run my thumb over her soft pink lips and murmur, “No one said you have to, Angel.” I meant every word I just spoke. I want to be here for her. I want to be the one she turns to when things get tough. I want to be the one that holds her on a cold winter's night and I want to be the one that makes love to her unconditionally. And I’ll do anything to make sure she never feels alone again.
“You’re bringing me out of a dark hole I’ve been lost in for some time. You have no idea how good that feels.”
I kiss her lips softly before she opens up so our tongues can meet. Her hand slides up my chest to cup my neck as I wrap her in my arms. Placing my thumb on the cover of her eye, I catch the stray tear that’s about to slip, and I take in her features. “You truly are a beautiful woman, Tamzin King.”
“Even with my ugly cries?” she whispers with a smile, eyes full of various emotions I’m unsure what they’re telling me. But what I do know is whatever doubts I may have had before have now been resolved. She’s the only woman I see a future with.
“Even with your ugly cries.”
Tamzin.
These last few days my emotions have been unpredictable and exhausting. Moments where I break down, confused, hurt and feeling hollow, yet moments when my heart feels like it’s going to burst with the new feelings that hold it. I guess this is where my heart has finally registered that they’re gone. It makes me wonder how long I would’ve continued the way I had if Noel hadn’t of been here. Maybe the dream I had was reality telling me that Noel was, in fact, the one that would help me find my way. My grandparents were a great believer in fate and I strongly believe it was f
ate that has brought Noel and me together, because since he’s been in my life I’ve looked at things differently to what I would have done over a month ago. I no longer curse Christmas, I can’t say that I’m overly ecstatic about it but I don’t want to not miss out on it either, I want to be a part of what I used to have and I wouldn’t have done that without him.
Since my breakdown on Jubilee Bridge our ventures have slowed a little. Most nights have been spent in front of the fire watching old movies under blankets and that’s been just as gratifying as our nights out sightseeing deeper into Christmas.
“Good evening, Angel.” He says, wrapping his arms around me to hug me from behind. I left the door on the latch as I knew his arrival was imminent. “What are you doing?”
His voice is inquisitive as his chin rests on my shoulder, my hands a little dirty from arranging the red poinsettia into the plant pot. “I went to the cemetery today to place the wreath on my grandparents’ grave. I took some of the poinsettias as it looked a little over crowded, so I’m planting them to have them here.”
“You went on your own? I would have gone with you.”
I towel off my hands and turn in his arms, wrapping mine around his neck. I wanted to go alone. I needed that time to find some closure. “I know but I needed to be on my own for a while.” The warmth of his embrace causes that net of butterflies to open and take flight in my belly. His deep chocolate eyes are locked on me, most likely trying to work out if I’m possibly going to break down again. His pink kissable lips are awaiting mine. His tie has been loosened, the top button of his shirt popped open to show off the dip between his collar bones. He’s such an incredibly gorgeous guy, and in a suit, he’s even more desirable.
“Were you ok?” His hands smooth up my back, the little caresses I’ve become to adore.
“Yeah, I was there a while but it helped a lot. I feel more positive about everything now.”
“That’s great.” He places a kiss on my forehead. “Are you feeling up to going out this evening?”
After being out nearly every other evening over the week’s, cabin fever is beginning to set in, and I know in order to move forward I can’t put life on hold. “You know what, I think I am. Where are you taking me this time?”
“Go get a little black dress on, we’re going to dinner.”
“I think a black dress is a little over the top for KFC, babe,” I tease.
“Just as well it’s Clos Maggiore then.”
“What!” My jaw hits the floor, my eyes wide. “We’re going there? That’s like the most romantic restaurant in London.”
“Exactly.” He grins.
For the first time in all the time we’ve spent together, tonight I feel the nerves jangle inside. I’m not sure whether it’s because we’re sat in one of London’s finest restaurants in Covent Garden, or the fact my heart has well and truly fallen and I don’t want to think about what that means next week as our month is coming to a close.
Clos Maggiore is a spectacular restaurant with a great selection of French cuisine. The magical atmosphere hits you as soon as you walk through the door. A crown of fairy lights and flowers cover the ceiling like starlight, a roaring fire situated in the centre glowing your skin and the soft violin music in the background doubles the romantic feel.
I wore my snug black boob tube dress and black heels and Noel wore an even sexier jet black tux. I wasn’t sure the man could take my breath any more than he already has until I saw him at my door. For dinner, Noel had Welsh rack of lamb with goat’s cheese and I had a delicious meal of honey glazed duck with turnips and sugar snaps. Every last bite was mouth-watering and delicious.
“Would you like dessert?” Noel asks, wiping his mouth with his napkin.
“No, I’m good. I’ll save dessert for later.” I wink. “Thank you, though, it was amazing.” I take my goblet of wine and swirl it a little before taking a sip. I notice that there’s something on his mind as he hesitates before he speaks.
“So I’ve been meaning to say, I always spend Christmas Eve with my family. This year they’re all coming to mine for the evening and as you probably guessed we’re not ones for keeping it low-key.” I’m not sure if it is an invitation or a statement, which if it is the latter, I have no right to argue. Noel has every right to want to spend Christmas with his family.
“That’s fine I don’t mind staying at mine.”
His eyes narrow. “What? Why would you do that?”
I focus on the scrunched napkin that sits on my empty plate, a gut twist of solitude forming in my stomach. “Well, understandably you’ll want to spend time with your family. You won’t want me hanging off your hip waiting for my next emotional outburst to expire. Spend it with your family, just as long as I can have you for New Year’s Eve.”
His hand slides across the table to take mine, smoothing his thumb over my knuckles. “Look at me, please.” His voice is soft but demanding. I do as he asks. “When I said I wanted to spend December with you that meant Christmas included. I want you there with me and I want to wake up beside you Christmas morning.”
My breath catches a little and I whisper. “You do?”
“I gave you my word, Tamzin. I don’t go back on that. I was going to say that if it gets too much you have to tell me.” That twist in my stomach suddenly disappears, replaced with a feeling that is a little overwhelming. For the first time in nearly five years, I’m not going to be alone at Christmas.
Noel gets up from the table, running his hand down the front of his shirt as if forgetting he’s not wearing a tie. He tucks his chair under the table and steps towards me, and I’m unsure of what he’s doing. “Miss King, would you do me the honour of accepting a dance with me?” he says, holding out his hand.
I smile at how gracious he is. “Can you behave yourself? Because the last time we danced I was pinned to the wall and incredibly aroused.” I twist in my seat to face him. “And as much as I loved that, I don’t think these guests would appreciate any sexual displays whilst eating their roasted vegetables.”
His grin is across his face before I even finish my sentence. “I’ll try to remain in control.”
Taking his hand to stand, I’m immediately pulled into him while his other hand rests firmly on my ass. I step back a fraction to find his eyes. “And speaking of control, please refrain your hands from going anywhere near my panties.”
“Oh?” he looks surprised.
“Babe, the Ice Kingdom was one thing but there’s no way in hell you’re going near me in this place.”
“You almost sound nervous.” He smirks.
“Oh I’m not nervous, I’d just rather be spared of the humiliation when my mugshot hits next week’s newspapers.”
We head towards the open space of the restaurant; couples in fine clothing and designer jewellery take no notice that we’re the only ones amongst diners that have created our own dance floor. A large Christmas tree stands tall in the corner; Nutcrackers aside of it as a unique coloured garland lay along the mantelpiece. Noel’s hand rests on the small of my back, his other hand holds mine. I’m pressed closer to his solid chest; his hot breath hits my ear as his head rests against the side of mine. The soft classical music and lighting provides a dreamy feel. A mood that I know we both feel. I close my eyes as we sway gently, breathing him in as my body falls into him. My heart feels complete with the ever growing devotion he creates inside of me. We are lost in our own timeless space in the city’s place of love. Things are changing between us and I know he feels it too. This connection of what we could be. Of what I want it to be.
“I’m addicted to everything that you are, Tamzin. Every time you’re close I crave more.” I am unsure of what he is trying to say, but I need him to know exactly what he is doing to me. What a wise woman once told me I’d find even if it were unexpected. I lift my head and move my hand to his jaw, looking deep into his gaze. “My gran was full of belief all year, but once December came she always stood by her words,” I murmur.
> “Which were?”
“That even in the coldest of winters you’ll always find a warmth that seals your heart.” I move closer, our lips a breath apart.
“And do you stand by what she said?” he whispers.
“Yes.” I place my lips on his with a kiss that is as delicate as the stars, opening just a fraction so the tip of our tongues meet. We tease one another in light loving strokes as the overwhelming feelings take over. “Take me home, Noel,” I whisper.
Noel.
I slowly trail my nose up along her jawline, inhaling her everlasting scent that makes me lose myself each and every time. Her breath bounces against my neck, her fingertips at my waistline waiting for permission to expose my desire that’s pressed against her stomach. I don’t want that just yet, though. I’m in control of this moment. This moment that I want to last forever as I mark every inch of her skin with my lips, my eyes, my soul. This moment is like every other time; we’re lost in a world of Noel and Tamzin. Lost in a paradise of who we are and united in one another in the height of pure addiction and enteral passion. I want to cherish all that she is. Lay her down and love her the way in which she deserves and engrave myself into her soul so she’ll never forget what we have. What I do to her. I want her to remember who’s been between her thighs, got inside her head and worked his way into her heart.
“You drive me crazy, Tamzin.”