by Toni Aleo
With that, he slammed the door shut and she didn’t stop him. Instead, she crumbled to the floor and hoped she drowned in her tears. She had thought she was making the right decision but if she was, why did it hurt so badly?
Slamming the door behind him, Phillip stomped through the house to the fridge for a beer. He didn’t care if it was only seven in the morning, and he sure as hell didn’t care that he just hailed a cab in only a pair of boxers. All he did care about was the fact that his heart was breaking in his chest, and he felt like smashing someone’s face in. How did she make any fucking sense? She loved him, but she didn’t want to be with him because she was still holding on to what the douche did to her. It was fucking stupid! She was insane and, fuck, he still loved her.
Banging his head on the fridge, he couldn’t grasp what had just happened. He felt so good when she uttered the words, felt like he had just gotten his fix of her, but then she ruined it by crying and saying she couldn’t love him. She blew his ego to hell and probably didn’t give two shits while doing it. It was gut wrenching, watching her cry, because all he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arm and make her stop. Kiss away those tears, promise only to make happy ones fall for the rest of their lives, but she wasn’t giving him the chance to.
Ahhh! Letting out a yell, he punched the fridge and then very quickly regretted it when the pain shot up his arm. Damn it. Opening the freezer, he placed his hand on an ice tray and forced the tears back. He wasn’t going to cry. Not over someone that didn’t want him. He had done that time and time again, but not this time. If she didn’t want him, fine, he’d pick up his shattered heart and move on. To what, he wasn’t sure, but the great thing was that he still had Claire. He’d always have Claire. Well, that was until she turned eighteen, went to college, and left him. Then he’d be alone.
So fucking alone because no one could ever be Reese.
Sucking in a deep breath, he let it out slowly as he shook his head. He wanted to go back and beg her to reconsider, but why should he? He had done nothing wrong. He had played by her rules, he had loved her, and she couldn’t even try to do the same for him when she was there. She only had to allow herself to follow her heart and he would be there waiting for her, but she wouldn’t and he couldn’t understand why. It all came back to the question on why he wasn’t enough? What was he doing wrong?
“Are you okay?”
He looked over his shoulder to find Claire in a long t-shirt and PJ pants. “Fine.”
“Okay, then why did you get out of a cab in boxer and down a beer before slamming your head on the fridge and then punching it?”
How long had she been standing there?
“Don’t worry about it, Claire, go back to bed.”
“I gotta go to school.”
“Skip it,” he said, leaning his head back on the fridge.
“Wow, yeah, I can’t do that but thanks anyway. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I said nothing,” he snapped. When he turned to see her with a shocked look on her face, he felt like shit. “Please, Claire, not right now, just go. Give me a minute and I’ll take you to school.”
She didn’t say anything for a second but then asked, “It’s Reese, isn’t it? Did she break up with you?”
He didn’t want to bring her into this but soon he was nodding his head as his heart shattered in his chest all over again. When he felt her come up beside him, placing her hand on his back, he became limp and just leaned on the fridge, defeated.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and he knew she was crying. When he opened his eyes to look at her and saw the tears pooling in her bright blue eyes before rushing down her face, he felt even more like shit.
“Why are you crying, Claire? Don’t do that. I can’t handle your tears, too.”
Wiping her hands across her cheeks, she whispered, “I know, and I’m sorry, but I just had so many plans for us. I wanted her to live with us and be happy with us. I hate that you are hurting, because I don’t want you to ever hurt. I just want you to be happy because you make everyone else happy, and I’m just so sorry that she did this to you.”
He shook his head, wrapping her up in his arms and holding her tight against his chest. “Don’t be. This isn’t your fault, and I’m going to be okay. I have you, and like I said, no matter what, she will always be in your life.”
“I know, but I wanted her in yours, too.”
His lip quivered and then it happened, a single tear spilled over, running along his cheek and into her hair as he whispered, “Me too.”
Erik made quick work of changing Dimitri’s diaper as Phillip sat on the floor, playing with a zoo set. When he was done, he sat him back down and then followed, crossing his leg as Dimitri reached for a zebra. After dropping Claire off at school, Phillip called Erik to see if it was okay for him to come over. Luckily for him, Piper was out doing stuff for Harper’s baby shower, which was the following day, leaving the house to Erik, Dimitri, and now Phillip’s problems.
“So she tells you she loves you but she can’t be with you, because you are going to break her heart?”
Phillip nodded as he made a giraffe dance with Dimitri’s zebra. “Yeah and the thing is, she isn’t even giving me a chance. She is categorizing me with that bastard Kevin, and I would never do that to her. I love her!”
“Dude, I told you she is a man eater.”
“That’s the thing, she isn’t. She is actually an amazing woman. Tough as nails and man, she keeps me on my toes, but she has a heart of gold that she hides from everyone. I really do believe that she was made for me, and I don’t care how girly that sounds.”
Erik scoffed. “No worries, when a dude is really in love, he turns into a freaking girl. It’s scary. So stay away from girls, they are icky, and will make you do stupid things, okay buddy?”
Phillip smiled when Dimitri reached out, taking a hold of Erik’s lip and giggling. He wanted this. He wanted a little guy and no, he didn’t want it now, but he wanted it someday with Reese.
“I just don’t understand why I’m not enough, you know? I used to feel so worthless, but then I started playing for the Assassins and things were good, great even. Then Claire came into my life and yeah, it wasn’t easy but then it was, and I was happy. Then Reese comes into my life, and everything fell into place. I knew this was the life I wanted. Then she dumps me and all those old feelings come back, bringing me down. I mean, do you hear me? I sound like a chick! Jeez, hand me the latest copy of TeenBeat and let’s gush over One Direction. I’m disgusting!”
Erik laughed as he shook his head. “Phillip, this is the shitty part of love. It can take you to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.”
“Tell me what to do, help me.”
Erik shook his head. “I suck at this shit, go to Shea.”
“No, Shea will tell me he told me so. He told me to watch out. I knew I had to, I thought I had prepared myself, but it just hurts so bad.”
“I’m sorry, man, but I don’t know what to say because in my eyes, Reese isn’t the settling down type, but then I don’t know her like you do.”
“But she is, if she’d allow herself to be. She loves me, she admitted it, but instead of acting on those feelings, she shielding herself from them. From me.”
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Erik said with a shrug. “I’m sorry I’m no help.”
Before Phillip could say anything, Piper walked in the room with her hands on her hips. “He has nothing to say because he was the Reese in our relationship. He pushed me away, Phillip, you saw him do it. However, I kept fighting, didn’t I, and now look at us. You can’t give up on her. She loves you, everyone knows this.”
Phillip hated when Piper did her ninja sneak in but at this particular moment, he could use her help. “I get that, but I have fought. I put all of me in, and she threw me away. How do I come back from that? You weren’t going to fight for him after he left you. You were done, and now I am done.”
Piper paused and then nodded. “Y
ou’re right. If you’ve done everything you can, put all your cards on the table, then all you can do is wait and hope she gets her head on right.”
“But I don’t want to wait. I want her to know. I’m scared that since she doesn’t know now, then how will she ever? I gave her my heart, and she didn’t want it. It was different for you two because you knew that he loved you and that he wanted to be with you. Plus you two had Dimitri coming, and that was bound to make him grow the hell up.”
“Hey,” Erik said, glaring.
Phillip went on. “But I have nothing but my love for her, and she won’t even take it. I am giving her everything she wants and needs, I am being the man she deserves, and she is ignoring it because of fear. Fear that I have no problem helping her push away, but she has to want to push with me. All she did, Piper, was look me in the eye and say sorry. She didn’t even want to try.”
Piper looked away and then shrugged. “Then as much as I don’t want to say this because I think you’re amazing for my sister, maybe it isn’t meant to be.”
Yeah, that was what he was thinking, too.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t feel right either.”
“Then what does?”
“Us, together.”
“Maybe she needs time to think it over?” Piper suggested. “To miss you.”
Standing up, Phillip wrapped an arm around Piper’s shoulders. “I’m going to try, but I can’t promise anything.”
She smiled as she slowly shrugged. “I understand, but I hope it works out.”
“Me too.”
“GET THE cake and the plates, and make sure they are blue! Oh, and get some chocolates for the poopy diapers!”
Reese wished she had never answered the phone when Piper called that morning. She should have denied the call, but she couldn’t with it being baby shower day. As she stood in line at Audrey Jane’s, waiting on Harper’s cake, her phone kept going off with texts from Piper asking her to do things. When the last one came in, saying to pick up Claire, she let out a long breath. Tears gathered in her eyes and her chest constricted, as she fought the urge to run back to the car, go home, and never leave.
She hadn’t seen Claire or Phillip, and she missed them. Desperately… but she couldn’t face either of them, not after what happened with her and Phillip. She was worried that her promise to always be there for Claire was going to be hard to keep because, at that moment, she felt like running. Leaving everything and starting over somewhere else, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t run not when Claire did nothing wrong, nor did Phillip. This was her fault. Her breaking heart, the hollowness she felt, was all on her.
She caused this and like Phillip said she would, she regretted it. The only thing was she didn’t know how to tell him that. She didn’t know how to look him in the face and tell him that she was wrong and he was right. That she did love him and wanted to be with him but didn’t know how. She didn’t know how to let go of what Kevin did to her and allow herself to try again. She was scared.
When it was her turn up at the counter, the girl behind the counter handed Reese the cupcake cake that was covered in pretty blue flowers and said ‘Congratulations on Journey.’ Stupid name, she thought as she handed the lady her card.
“Audrey said it’s on the house.”
Reese shrugged. “Thanks.”
She took the box and made a few more stops before turning on the road that would take her to Phillip’s house. Her heart picked up in speed when she saw his house and then his car, meaning that he was home. She wanted to text Claire and ask her to come out, but that was rude and made her a coward. She had to live with the decision she made or she had to change it so, with a heavy heart, she pushed her car door opened and made her way up the driveway she had came up so many times. When her lips started to wobble from all those amazing memories, and how she’d probably never get the chance to have them again, she heaved out a sad breath. She bit into her lip to keep it still before knocking on the door. Her heart was in her throat when she heard the footsteps. When it opened to Claire, her heart broke as she met the same eyes of the man she loved.
“You ready?” she asked as normally as she could.
Claire nodded, and Reese took in how cute she looked in a pair of jeans and a pastel blue shirt and white scarf. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she was wearing tall, brown boots over her jeans. She looked a hell of a lot better than Reese did, that was for sure. In a pair of ratty jeans and an old Beatles shirt, Reese was pretty sure everyone at the party was going to think she was homeless, but she really didn’t care. Turning before she saw Phillip, she headed for the car with Claire right behind her. She waited until they were both buckled up before driving out the driveway and heading for Elli’s house. She didn’t want to talk to Claire, or anyone for that matter, and she really didn’t want to even go to the damn baby shower, but she knew she had to go on with her life. She had to ignore the desire to hide under a rock and live somewhat of a life after Phillip.
Or she had to get him back.
So with a smile, she said, “How has school been?”
Claire looked over at her and shrugged. “Fine, where have you been? You’ve been kind of MIA.”
Had Phillip not told her? Surely, he had but, just in case, she didn’t want to be the one to do it. “Just busy I guess, getting ready for the baby shower and recital.”
“Yeah, I figured.”
“Yeah,” she said as she drove to Elli’s house. When she pulled into the full driveway, she groaned. She didn’t want to do this.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m not in the mood for a party today,” she said, unbuckling her seat belt and opening the door.
“Are you sick?”
She shook her head and reached for the cake and bags from the back. “Nope, just feeling shitty.”
“Cause you miss him,” she said, and Reese looked over her shoulder at her. She stood by the car, watching her, and Reese couldn’t lie.
She slowly nodded her head as she said, “Yeah.”
She knew that Claire was going to say something but thankfully, Piper came up to them, taking the cake for Reese. “Shit, you’re super late!”
Reese shrugged as she took in her beautifully made up sister. “Sorry, I couldn’t get my hair to look right.”
Piper scrunched up her face. “Did you even try? Jesus, you look like roadkill.”
“I love you more,” she said, moving past her sister and into the house. She was greeted by Elli in a tight hug and then her mother. As she hugged her tightly, she noticed that everyone was already there, even Harper’s surrogate, and that meant that she was in fact very late. When she saw her sister sitting in a big, white chair that was decorated with blue balloons and other baby things, a smile pulled at her lips. Presents surrounded her, and she was glowing with happiness. Reese had always looked up to Harper. She was always the person she talked to, the one who was there for her when shit hit the fan.
She remembered when Harper couldn’t settle down and wanted to be with anything and everyone with no cares in the world. She used to think that Harper was nuts because at the time, Reese wanted the husband, kids, and white picket fence. When Harper met Jakob and fell hard for him, she remembered asking why. Harper said that it got old being lonely, and that everyone wanted that one person that could be there for them no matter what. Jakob was that guy for her and when Reese met Kevin, she thought he was that guy. She thought she had found her prince like her big sister but she hadn’t, so she turned to the life that Harper had left, thinking that was what she wanted, but like her sister she was learning that being alone sucked balls.
When Harper met her gaze, her brow rose before she stood, coming over to her. “What in the world are you wearing?”
Reese smiled as she shrugged. “I feel like poo.”
Harper’s face quickly turned to a concerned mother as she cupped Reese’s cheek. “Are you sick?”
She shook her head, cupping Harper’s
hand. “No, just having one of those weeks.”
Harper smiled. “It happens to us all. It will get better, don’t worry.”
She hugged Reese tightly before flashing her a grin, turning to go back to her seat, but Reese stopped her. She looked back at Reese questionably. It became hard for her to swallow as she looked into her sister beautiful brown eyes. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you. Maybe we’ll be throwing one of these for you after Elli gets done popping out her hockey team,” she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.
“Shut up,” Elli scolded as she smacked Harper’s butt playfully.
Harper laughed as she looked back at Reese, and then her laughter came to a stop. “And I wouldn’t have this if it wasn’t for you. I would have never gone with a surrogate if it wasn’t for you.”
“I would do anything for you,” Reese declared.
“I know you would because when you love, you love with everything inside you,” she said with a wide smile. “Don’t hold it all in, Reese, let it out. You’re so gorgeous when you are smiling and lately, you’ve been stunning. We all know who to thank for that, huh?”
Before she could answer, Elli pulled Harper away so that the festivities could start. As she watched everyone gush over Harper, Reese could help but think how right she was. She felt amazing when she smiled, and lately the only reason she smiled was because of him. The same person she pushed away because of her fear. Reaching in her pocket for her phone, she pulled up his text thread and went through their whole relationship. At the beginning, it was only sex… but then it turned to more. They talked about their days, about Claire, about the future. When she came to the bottom, to the last text he sent her, her eyes welled up as she read his words.