This is Ridiculous, This is Amazing

by Jason Good

  COMPARISON OF PARENTAL ENERGY AND CHILDREN’S NEEDS OVER 24-HOUR PERIOD

  As you can see, nighttime is easy because both energy and need are at zero. But notice the spike that occurs at 5 A.M. Generally there is some sort of waking during this hour, which requires a bit of attention at a time when parental energy has flatlined.

  At 7 A.M., need is at one hundred. During this hour, the parent is awake, but has yet to imbibe any caffeine. This is a difficult sixty minutes.

  By 8 A.M., need has dropped slightly, and now, having slugged back some coffee, the parent has plenty of energy. Meanwhile, the child may have wandered off to play by himself, only calling for his mother every five minutes or so to help him find something. Usually this time is spent doing dishes or answering emails.

  By 11 A.M., the parent is feeling pretty good, but when lunch comes around energy starts to dip, and falls consistently for the next two hours. During this stretch, a three-year-old child is struggling with fatigue as well, but instead of napping, he insists on having a rave or riding the parent like a horse throughout the house. This energy peaks at 2 P.M. when the parent is trying desperately just to keep her eyes open. This is a good hour to invent a game that involves lying down. (See page 26 for more games to play while lying down.) “Put stuff on top of Mommy” is a good one. It’s possible to lose consciousness, either because you’ve fallen asleep or suffocated under the weight of a giant stuffed bear.

  This brief rest generally results in a resurgence of energy, but the child has gotten through his difficult hours and now wanders off to remove all the sheets from the bed, or build a tower with cans of cat food. Now is a good time to make dinner. Once everyone is seated at the table, the children suddenly appear to have ingested some form of street speed. The parent, on the other hand, is exhausted and ready to go home to a nice tumbler of scotch, but realizes she already is home and weeps softly on the inside.

  From 6 P.M. until bedtime is complete chaos. At 7:15 or so, a child might be seen chasing his parent through the house while wielding a flashlight and screaming something about batteries. From 7 P.M. to 8 P.M., the only real option is to have a glass of wine (a big one). This, of course, causes you to fall asleep at 9 P.M. and when that 5 A.M. waking occurs, the parent realizes that she only gets an hour off per day.

  Games You Can Play While Lying Down

  For those times where your energy is at its lowest, I’ve invented some games that require virtually no effort. When done correctly, they’ll allow you to catch a quick nap.

  1. Put All the Sunglasses and Hats on Daddy

  2. Take Off Daddy’s Socks

  3. Put Mommy’s Socks on Daddy

  4. Try to Lift Daddy

  5. Put the Cats on Daddy

  6. Wind Monster (Just blow on them. If you really commit, you might pass out and that’s the same as sleeping.)

  7. Human Body Tower (also known as The Sandwich)

  8. Pull Daddy Around on a Sleeping Bag

  9. Breath-Holding Competition

  10. Daddy’s a Giant Conga Drum (Think of it as acupressure therapy.)

  11. Daddy’s a Guitar! (Make sure kids’ fingernails are clipped. Also, no picks.)

  12. Put Daddy in “Sofa Jail”

  13. Pretend We’re Sleeping Cats! (May turn into real sleeping.)*

  14. Decorate Daddy’s Jeans with Sidewalk Chalk

  15. Put Makeup on Daddy (Messier than #14, but still worth it.)

  16. Turn Daddy into a Burrito (a.k.a. “The Mummy”; requires a beige flat sheet and patience)

  17. Pretend to Eat Daddy (no utensils)

  18. Vacuum Daddy **

  19. Embalm Daddy ***

  * CAUTION: This game ends abruptly when a child jumps on your face. I suggest wearing a hockey mask (see How to Defend Yourself Against a Toddler Attack, page 12).

  ** SUGGESTION: Vacuum should be in the “off” position. Also, keep your shirt on.

  *** WARNING: Make sure child does not know what embalming is.

  Tips for Traveling with Small Children

  I don’t recommend it, but eventually you’ll have to travel on an airplane with your kids. Whatever the reason, I have some advice. I’m sure there are lists in parenting magazines that tell you to “Bring plenty of snacks,” or “Don’t forget a change of clothes.” Even a mother chimpanzee knows to do this stuff when she flies. Here’s some advice for human parents who have the no-brainer things figured out already.

  1. Bring at least seven different sizes and kinds of headphones. You’ll lose two, and four of them “DON’T FIT RIGHT!!!!”

  2. You’ll have to change a nasty diaper in the lavatory. Start stretching now (remember, you already gave up yoga).

  3. Ninety minutes into the flight you will have suicidal thoughts. Do not panic; this is completely normal. You’re not going to kill yourself, it just makes you feel better to think that it’s an option.

  4. Some people say, “Oh, just give them Benadryl and they’ll sleep the whole flight.” Well, if you want to gamble with your own sanity, go for it. About 30 percent of kids become hyper after taking antihistamines. If that happens, jump out.

  5. Watching Die Hard with a Vengeance just once isn’t going to do any permanent damage to your three-year-old.

  6. The answer to, “When are we going to be there?” is “If you keep asking me that, never.” WARNING: If your children don’t understand the concept of “never” (and they probably don’t) this answer might result in an existential conversation about eternity and death. While that can burn through a nice chunk of the flight, it’s not the time or the place.

  7. Go ahead and be one of those weirdos who brings a pillow on the airplane with you. But, please, no pajama pants for the grown-ups.

  8. Mix a good amount of Valium with coffee. You need to be alert, but relaxed. I would say five milligrams and a triple espresso, but I have a pretty high tolerance.

  9. REMEMBER: When the flight is over, you still have about an hour of hell trying to stop your kids from climbing on the baggage carousel or running out the door and boarding an Avis courtesy bus.

  10. Even if you’re going to visit family, there’s only so much they can do for you while you’re there. Most of the time, everything is actually harder.

  ENJOY YOUR TRAVELS.

  Some Things I’ll Miss

  When you’re in the parenting trenches it’s difficult to have perspective. But sometimes, when a calm comes over the home and you find yourself smiling instead of angrily buttering toast, you realize, “Wow, I’m going to miss these things when he’s older.”

  1. How much he wants me around

  2. How he always skips the number four when counting to ten

  3. That he thinks there are a million pennies in a dollar

  4. The way he pronounces S from the back of his throat

  5. How he takes his shirt off by sticking his arms through the neck hole

  6. That he doesn’t know when to end a hug

  7. That we do three kinds of kisses, “gentle,” “wet,” and “dry.” (If I could keep only one, it would be “gentle.”)

  8. That he can’t say the alphabet without singing it

  9. How uncomplicated he is

  10. That he hides his shoes inside of mine

  11. His inability to lie

  12. The look on his face when he tries to lie

  13. The year he said “I DO!” instead of “Yes”

  14. How small he looks on the sofa

  15. That he eats a hot dog like corn on the cob

  16. His complete lack of self-consciousness

  17. That he made up my new favorite word: “whobody.” “Whobody can race to the kitchen first?!”

  NO PERMANENT DAMAGE

  Some of the most amazing and creative people I’ve met have terrible parents. So, when you forget to have your child vaccinated and then find him chewing on a rusty bolt he found in the shed—a shed you didn’t know he was in because you were Tweeting—understand that mistakes lik
e these are the seeds from which an artist grows.

  The Wrong Kind of Games

  I know it’s rough to entertain kids, especially on weekends in the winter. It’s tempting to let things go a little nuts, but don’t think too far outside the box and end up getting someone injured or causing an uncleanable mess. (Of course, any permanent damage caused here will only result in a great short-story topic for their college fiction-writing class.)

  1. Find the Raccoon

  2. Boat Races in the Toilet

  3. Brush the Cat’s Teeth

  4. Try Out the Toothbrush You Found Behind the Radiator

  5. Shave Daddy (This may seem like a Game You Can Play While Lying Down, page 26, but it’s simply too dangerous. Sorry.)

  6. Hide Mommy’s Passport

  7. Dental Hygienist

  8. Pet the Squirrel

  9. Satellite Dish Repair Man

  10. Crawl Space Hide-and-Seek

  11. Free Rein with the Garden Hose (Use Any Setting!)

  12. Fun with Grout

  13. Kids Clean the Litter Box!

  14. Circle Mommy’s Problem Areas

  15. Will it Flush?

  16. Painting with Refried Beans

  17. Couch-Jumping with Cake

  18. Is This Socket Grounded?

  19. Prune the Magnolia

  20. Search for Roadkill

  21. Eat the Parachute

  22. Bee Beards!

  23. Mosh Pit in Mommy’s Room

  24. Decorative Bowl Toss

  25. Is This Edible?

  26. Chimney Sweep

  27. Mr. Fork Fingers

  Never play Mr. Fork Fingers.

  Signs You’re Going Native

  In anthropological research, the term “going native” is used to describe a situation in which a researcher comes to identify so much with her subjects that she gives up her “real” life to live among the people she’s been studying. Here are some warning signs that you might be losing yourself in the culture of your kids.

  1. Start wearing colorful pants

  2. Say “super dupes” to an adult

  3. Drink a juice box in public

  4. Drink from a sippy cup

  5. Become inappropriately excited upon spotting a train

  6. Realize your playlist is more than 60 percent kids’ music

  7. Hum the Strawberry Shortcake theme song in the car—when you’re alone

  8. Decide it’s “cute” to wear your hair in pigtails

  9. Go down the stairs on your butt

  10. Climb the stairs like a panther

  11. Attempt to bribe co-workers with fruit snacks

  12. Buy Velcro shoes for yourself because “they’re super-convenient!”

  13. Ask a waiter to direct you to “the potty”

  14. Refer to yourself as “Daddy” when speaking to an adult

  15. Have cheesy toast for dinner

  16. Refuse to eat the skin on fruit

  17. Refer to something as “yucky” or “icky”

  18. Suddenly decide you no longer like oranges

  Don’t Trust Your Instincts

  Children are human, but that doesn’t mean they’re rational. Natural selection no longer drives their decision-making, so if you assume they have any sense of self-preservation, please know that you do so at your own peril (and theirs).

  INSTINCT: Come on, a child must understand what “hurry up” means, right?

  REALITY: Incorrect. To a kid, this request means, “Quick! Hide your shoes.”

  INSTINCT: If left to his own devices, a child will stop eating cookies before he breaks into a cold sweat, slaps his brother, and starts weeping.

  REALITY: Nope.

  INSTINCT: Eventually a kid will become tired of TV and choose to stop watching it himself.

  REALITY: Somewhere there’s an eighty-year-old man who’s been watching Pinky Dinky Doo for seventy-seven years straight.

  INSTINCT: Children innately understand that driving a car is something that requires concentration and focus.

  REALITY: I’m sorry, but no. They think the car drives itself and you’re just the lucky one who gets the seat with the big wheel. Therefore, this thing called “driving” is not a valid excuse for your inability to make them a sandwich.

  INSTINCT: Kids will eat when they’re hungry.

  REALITY: No they won’t. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve never waited more than a few hours before promising them candy if they eat a kernel of corn.

  INSTINCT: A toddler knows that jumping on his father’s face might result in injury.

  REALITY: Well, he might, but he doesn’t care because it’s hilarious.

  Have fun out there!

  No Need to Feel Guilty

  No matter how much food you leave for them, it’s still unacceptable to lock your kids in a room and go on a cruise—that’s bad parenting. But you can’t be perfect all the time. You should be allowed to nap once a year, right? And don’t feel guilty about doing any of these things either (acceptable age range of child is three to seven).

  1. Pretending you’re asleep

  2. Lying about what day it is

  3. Pretending you’re deaf

  4. Hiding a toy and telling your kid someone stole it

  5. Breaking a toy on purpose and blaming your spouse

  6. Giving your kid the hot dog that fell on the floor

  7. Giving your kid the hot dog that fell in the sand

  8. Telling your kid you’ll “be right back,” then staying away until they fall asleep

  9. Faking a shoulder injury so you don’t have to carry anyone

  10. Saying, “Trevor is on vacation with his family.” (He’s not, but you don’t like Trevor or his mom.)

  The Wrong Kind of Funny

  I have a sarcastic sense of humor. Tragically, it’s lost on my kids. So, because I’m your parenting spirit animal, I’ve put together five examples of how not to use hyperbole and sarcasm when speaking with children.

  1. Do Not Exaggerate the Passage of Time for Comedic Effect

  Twelve minutes into a fifteen-minute car ride, my five-year-old asked (for the eighth time) how much longer it was going to take to get to the zoo. When I responded, “A million years,” he said, “Wait, for real life? A million years?” “No, buddy, not for real life. We’ll be there in three minutes.” “But that’s such a long time!” he whined. And that’s what I was trying to communicate: Any amount of time less than “we’re here” would seem like forever. Does he understand why that’s kind of funny? Of course not. Now he has no idea what a million is, and, well, neither do I, really.

  2. Do Not Use Injury Hyperbole

  The kids were attacking me in a loving way, and I said, “Don’t jump on me like that or you’ll rupture my spleen.” You’ll realize, throughout the course of explaining to your kid what a spleen is and why it’s important, that you have no idea what a spleen is or why it’s important.

  3. Do Not Use Surrealist Sarcasm

  I recently said to my three-year-old, “The day you actually brush your teeth without me asking, penguins will probably fly out of your butt.” You’d think that might be funny to a kid until you realize they don’t know for sure that penguins can’t fly out of their butt. Don’t say this unless you want your child to start insisting on wearing diapers again to avoid the room becoming engulfed in penguins when he brushes his teeth.

  4. Do Not Exaggerate Your Anger

  After a small argument about how much television Arlo (age three) was watching, I found myself explaining to him why I said I was going to “throw the iPad out the window and let the snowman eat it.” Of course, I would never actually throw the iPad out the window (unless I wanted to explain to my wife why we needed a new one with a retina screen). My son’s wide moose-brown eyes spoke to me. They said, “Daddy, why do you have to make up such horrible, horrible things?” I responded with, “I’m sorry. I was just kidding around. I won’t throw the iPad out the window, and even if I did—wh
ich I wouldn’t—the snowman doesn’t have . . . never mind. You want to watch another Super Why?”

  5. Do Not Exaggerate Using Astronomical Distances

  While on the swing, Arlo insisted, “Push me higher! Push me higher. Higher, Daddy! Higher!” It was relentless, so I made a joke that only adults would understand (and probably not laugh at because it’s lame). “If I swing you any higher, you might go all the way around the bar and fly off and hit the moon.” Cute, right? No. He wanted to get off immediately and go back inside, because if there’s one thing he knows about astronomy, it’s that the moon is really far away from the iPad.

  How to Piss Off Your Pediatrician

  1. Say, “Well, I read on the Internet that . . .”

  2. Tell him (or her) that you’re thinking of following a “non-traditional vaccination schedule”

  3. Ask more than three questions about the same topic

  4. Ask him a personal question

  5. Act like you know what you’re talking about

  6. Sit in his chair

  7. Cry

  8. Ask repeatedly, “This is hoof-and-mouth disease, isn’t it?”

  9. Bring your other children with you to the appointment

  10. Ask her about your own medical situation. “You know, speaking of rashes, I have one on my shoulder. Can you take a look? No? Okay, cool.”

  11. Make an origami swan out of that ridiculous deli paper on the examination table

  12. Ask, “What would you do if it was your kid?”