by P. M. Briede
I shrugged my shoulders. “Honestly, I think the morphine has a lot to do with it. And it’s not just what he’s said. He showed you how he can change forms. But bottom line, we don’t have the time for anyone to not be on board.”
“Then why isn’t Wesley here?” Paige exclaimed. She turned back to Olivier. “After all, if he’s going to bring forth the end of days, wouldn’t it be easier to stop if we just told him and, I don’t know, he could make better decisions or something?” She started waving her arm between she and I as she forced her point. “We know him better than you do. If we told him what he could do, he’d stop doing it, I’m sure of that.”
It was the same argument I’d had with Olivier before Paige arrived. He looked at me and I just stared back, waiting for him to give the answer I absolutely didn’t agree with. I was on Paige’s side with this one. “He can’t know,” Olivier simply stated.
“Why?” Paige and I challenged him in unison.
Shaking his head, Olivier ignored me and locked eyes with her. “Too much is already in motion. To have him suddenly back down now could tip our hand. Remember it’s not just heavenly angels that have the power of the ignes iudicii, but all angels. Our best weapon right now is that no one knows I’ve clued you in.”
Paige wasn’t buying any of it. “Wesley is astute, Olivier. He wouldn’t be where he is now, and as successful at it, if he wasn’t. He can play things close to the vest. If we told him, he’d be totally on board, especially if it meant protecting Charlotte from harm. Wouldn’t it be easier to figure out who the mole is by working with someone on the inside?” By the end she’d adopted her inquisitor stance and had her hands on her hips.
Olivier rubbed the back of his neck in frustration, sparing a glance in my direction to see that I still wasn’t convinced we shouldn’t tell Wesley the truth. “Ladies, this is not open for debate. Paige, I already made an exception, strictly at Charlotte’s urging, to tell you and only because I need you to make sure that you retrieve all the samples of my blood that were tested. If it gets out that my blood is out there, I’m extinct.” When Paige heard this the first time, she immediately made the call to have the samples and results sent back to her for further testing. She just never planned on actually testing them, but would destroy them instead. Olivier had someone who could scrub the information not only from the computer files but from the class’s minds, and he’d already put that into motion as well.
Her tone and stance communicated that she was prepared to dig in for a lengthy battle on the issue with him. I spared us all the time by coming to Olivier’s aid. “Paige, I trust Olivier in this. I don’t like it. I don’t agree with it. But if he says we can’t tell Wesley, than we can’t.” Relief suffused Olivier’s being at my words and he turned anxious eyes to her.
As Paige looked between the two of us, it was obvious she was visibly upset with the idea of not including Wesley. Her eyes finally settled on me before she spoke. “Charlotte, please, you know him better than anyone. He can handle this. I can’t hide this from him, not about something this big…”
Anger flashed through me at this statement. “Why not?” I viciously retorted. “You were able to hide your affair with him from me. You’ll do this Paige because it’s life or death if you don’t!” The room was silent except for the beeping of the heart monitor. Olivier sucked in a breath and rocked back on his heels, turning examining eyes on Paige. Her eyes grew wide, filling with fear and sorrow, as the rest of her body crumbled in on itself.
I’d partly been counting on some kind of misunderstanding on my part. That Paige and Wesley weren’t having an affair behind my back. But her response to my hastily planned confrontation confirmed I’d heard correctly. What am I going to do? Wesley’s my fiancé. They’re both my best friends. Could any of that remain after this type of betrayal?
Paige turned to Olivier, her small voice pleading. “Can we have a minute, please?” He checked with me first, only departing at my nod. She walked around the bed to sit in the only chair in the room, catching her head in her hands as she did so. “That was you at the ball, wasn’t it, behind the floral arrangement?” When I confirmed her suspicions she sighed. “I thought so but Wesley said I was being paranoid.”
“How long has it been going on?” I lashed out.
Her head shot up as her face took on an astonished expression. “You think it’s going on now? How could you possibly think that, Charlotte? Neither of us would ever do that to you. He loves you. We both do. He’d never cheat on you. Neither would I!”
I didn’t know what to say. Clearly, I was relieved it hadn’t happened during the last few months. “Then when?”
“Right after he split with Liz, while I was still married to Jim.” She pulled her eyes from mine and stared at nothing. “Look, if it’s alright with you, I’d rather not go through the gory details. It was a long time ago, you were married to Giles, you and Wesley weren’t even a blip on the radar, and it didn’t last very long. I just thought you should know it happened and that’s what I’ve been telling Wesley for months now.”
“Why didn’t he want to tell me?” I whispered.
She raised her eyes to mine and shrugged. “You know Wesley; he’s a Boy Scout. It’s probably the worst thing he’s done in his entire life. He’s desperate to be your white knight. An affair with your married best friend, well, that definitely tarnishes the metal. You’d have thought I’d be the one who would want to hide it from you; after all I was married. But I knew you’d understand.”
She remained silent while I pondered all that she’d said. While I wasn’t mad at Paige anymore, my feelings surrounding Wesley were still uncertain. I’d have thought hearing it wasn’t going on now would erase my fears and concerns and anger. But instead the emotions sat like a weight, heavy in my gut, smoldering and waiting for a spark. I’d have to hear his side of the events and glancing at the clock on the wall, I realized he was probably on his way here right now. “Look Paige, I hate to cut this short, but Wesley should be here soon and I don’t want him to see you or Olivier.”
She rose from her chair. “We’re good then?” I nodded and she walked to the door. Before leaving though, she turned and held me in her scrutinizing gaze. “Charlotte, you seriously trust Olivier?” I answered that I did. “You don’t think he’s working an angle to get between Wesley and you by insisting on leaving Wesley out of all of this?” The thought had occurred to me, but given that Olivier had recommended abandoning Wesley all together while at the same time saying he knew I wouldn’t be able to, I didn’t doubt his intentions. When I told her this she said, “Alright then. So I’ll switch from hiding something from one friend to another. Hopefully, we’ll all be able to live with the consequences.” With that she walked out the door.
* * *
“I’m so sorry, Charlotte!” Wesley cried as he raced to my side. “I’ve been trying to get in here since we found out you collapsed but they wouldn’t let me in. That lying, son of a bitch Olivier told the hospital he was your fiancé!” He hadn’t. “They wouldn’t tell me anything about your condition, wouldn’t even confirm you were here. Why did they tell me when I came by yesterday that you requested no visitors? Do they know what happened?”
Wesley was the most emotional and was therefore going to be the most difficult to talk to. I wanted all my senses, thoughts, memories, and emotions as accessible as possible, so I’d waved off my last dose of pain killers and sedatives. I’d probably regret that decision; I somewhat already did.
He was frantic. He paced the length of my room, like some wild cat trapped in a cage, as his words tumbled out. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. He was instantly by my side, tears brimming in his eyes, cracking the seal I’d put around my heart. I’d put it there preparing myself to let him go. Olivier had been right, as upset as I was it was going to be damn near impossible to do.
“Charlotte, I’ve been so worried. They say you’re going to be alright but no one will tell me what happened…” When
I silenced him with my fingers, the sight of my bandaged hand caused his tears to flow as he gently kissed their tips. Some of the tension in his shoulders eased, but his eyes were still troubled and I knew it had to be from my own mixed messages. My actions appeared as if nothing had changed but my face showed it had. When I fumbled for the bed remote, trying to lift myself into more of a sitting position, he immediately understood my desires and assisted me.
I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts and protect my heart and heard the words I spoke as if listening to someone else. “Why did you never marry, Wesley?”
He jumped back from me as if stung. It was not anything he imagined I’d have said. He returned to pacing the room, his words interrupting his footsteps. “I don’t understand what you are getting at, love.”
More in control again I opened my eyes and watched him. “It’s a simple question, Wesley, and don’t call me love.”
He froze, confused and hurt, to look at me. “What are you saying? Why not?”
I narrowed my focus on him to reinforce the words I planned to say. He needed to know I was not going to suffer fools. “You are not here because I am seeking your comfort or company. You are here for one reason and one reason only, to tell me the truth. Whether my objectives are clear to you is no matter. I want the truth, spoken plainly and succinctly, and I want it now. And mind you, if you lie to me just once, if you hide anything from me, even a little bit, the consequences will be severe.”
Fear joined the emotions roiling below his surface. “Charlotte, I don’t understand. Why does it matter now?”
“It’s not for you to understand. I asked you a question. You say you love me, prove it!” My tone was distant and cold, devoid of emotion.
“Charlotte,” Wesley pleaded. I reached for the remote without relieving him from the strength of my glare and hovered my thumb over the call button. He took a step forward, his head and hands shaking as he conceded. “That’s not necessary. I’ll answer whatever you like. I’ve never lied to you and I don’t intend to start now.”
“Why didn’t you marry?” I pressed him while leaving my thumb in place.
His voice was defeated and raw. “Because I love you. I always have.” He took the remaining steps to the foot of my bed and motioned for permission to sit. I shifted my legs and nodded my assent.
“But I was married when you split with Liz and you haven’t been serious with anyone since. Why?”
“It wouldn’t have been fair to anyone else to marry them when I couldn’t give them everything they’d deserve,” he confessed.
“When did you realize this?” I inquired.
“Lo … Charlotte, where is this coming from?” Wesley responded. When there was no indication that I was going to answer him, he sighed and continued. “Just before your wedding. I’d tried to hide my true feeling for you from Liz but she finally realized I couldn’t love her the way she wanted me too. We talked, I told her, we cried, and then we split. At the time I was so angry with you that I almost didn’t come to the wedding, but Paige made me. Said we could be the broken hearts club since she’d just found out about her husband’s first affair.”
Well now my wedding made sense. I’d wondered why Paige and Wesley had shown up alone. Paige conveniently left out that her husband had been cheating on her since then and at the time Wesley said Liz was called out of town last minute on a work assignment. They both had been reticent but I’d overlooked it thinking they hadn’t wanted to increase my wedding stress. “So all this time, you’ve been waiting for me?” I mumbled. Deep inside I could feel the shifting of the emotions I’d packed away in order to have this conversation with him and I attempted to suppress them again.
“Yes … no … not exactly.” His head was hanging and he wouldn’t meet my gaze.
“Which is it?” I demanded.
With a deep breath he looked up at the ceiling. “None of them. All of them. Charlotte, you were engaged and happy, then married and happy, and I’d missed my opportunity. As much as I tried to get over you, I couldn’t. I’d been trying for ten years and hadn’t been successful. I’d accepted that I was going to be a bachelor.”
He’d hesitated at the end. “But?” I drew out the word, compelling him to finish.
“But I won’t say I’d released hope that someday I’d get my chance; that someday you’d be available again. I wasn’t going to be stuck in a loveless marriage or entangled in a mockery of a relationship when that happened.” He seemed to shrink in on himself, appearing much smaller than he was; his voice barely audible.
In contrast, my voice boomed as the first burst of my emotional eruption bubbled over. “You hoped I’d become a widow?! You wished that misery on me?!”
Pained eyes locked on mine. “Absolutely not!” he seethed through gritted teeth. “Never did I ever wish for that. Divorce? Maybe, but never death. Charlotte, you have to understand, I’m begging you to understand, I was a man, am a man, violently in love with you! You are my sun and I’ve been orbiting you my entire life. I’ve survived. I’ve adapted. Now that you’re mine, I’ll not lose you without a fight!”
His whole body shook with the ferocity of his emotions and his voice was tight. The frissons around my locked away heart lengthened. How am I supposed to handle that confession? What would happen if we couldn’t work through this, if I couldn’t find a way to protect him? This time it was my voice that sounded small and insignificant. “That’s a lot to be to another person, Wesley; a lot to lie at my feet.”
“You insisted on full disclosure and truthful answers,” he sympathetically lamented.
“Why did you propose to me?” God, but the ball felt like a lifetime ago.
His face lit up faintly. “I love you.”
I hadn’t asked it right, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for. It was a struggle to arrange the words in my head. “No, sorry, the prose was deceiving. I know why you proposed, I never doubted that. I want to know why you proposed just before Alexander’s official Presidential bid announcement.”
Understanding etched his face and he breathed deeply before answering. “I … I … I was afraid. It wasn’t fair to ask you without you knowing about his plans but your answer was going to shape mine to him about accepting his offer to continue to run his campaign. I wanted a true answer from you.”
“Shape your answer how?”
“Since you agreed to marry me, we need to talk about how it’s going to impact our lives together. If you’re not up for the political circus, I’m prepared to turn Alexander down.”
“So you’re willing to give up on your career aspirations for me? Wesley, you’ve worked your whole life for this.”
“While that’s true,” he admitted, “I’ve waited even longer for you. You’re more important than some job, no matter what it is. He could offer me the moon and if you didn’t want to take it with me, I’d turn it down.”
His words put my heart in danger of freeing itself from the strictures I’d put around it. The frissons were full on cracks now with pieces falling away and love seeped into my tone. “That’s very noble but I don’t want to be the reason you turn down this opportunity. Eventually you may resent me for taking it away from you. If you want to run the campaign, run it.”
The breath Wesley had been holding onto audibly escaped and he smiled for the first time since entering the room. “So you’ll stand by me?” he asked. “We’re going to be alright?” I knew then I’d always love him and that if he still wanted me, I’d marry him in a heartbeat. But this was no longer about what I wanted. Instead it was about protecting him, so there would be a future for us, even if we were apart. And there was still the lingering elephant in the room. I had to remain rational.
“I didn’t say that. There’s more I need to know.” His face immediately fell. “When was your affair with Paige?”
His eyes widened. “How did you know?” he whispered. In a steady voice that didn’t match my emotions, I repeated the question. He closed his eyes and swallo
wed hard. “It started at your wedding…”
That startled me and I couldn’t help but interrupt him as my emotional volcano flared again. “Started! How long did it last?” It wasn’t exactly what Paige had told me.
“I told you,” Wesley began, “I won’t lie to you, so before you judge Paige and me, let me finish.” I nodded and swallowed all the emotions I had. “It started at your wedding. As I said Liz and I had just broken up and coupled with seeing you in the arms of another man, let’s just say I had a lot to drink that night. Paige had just caught Jim in bed with one of his co-workers and was in the process of filing for divorce, therefore drinking heavily as well. It’s not something we’re proud of and definitely not something we planned. Given that other than your family we didn’t know anyone at the wedding, we spent most of the evening together. By the end I escorted her to her room to make sure she got there safe. She offered herself to me for some comfort, saying she needed some herself, and since drowning my demons hadn’t worked, I tried to lose them inside someone else.”
“For a month or so it worked and we both coped with our misery. Paige knew I loved you, would never love her, and didn’t judge me for it. She understood I was using her as a substitute for you. I was happy to allow her to use me to take revenge on that bastard of a husband of hers. It was something we did to free ourselves from the emotional baggage we carried around constantly. But when she found out she was pregnant with the twins and that they were Jim’s, we both knew the affair had to end.”
How had I not known any of this? They were both my best friends and this was a huge revelation. What I’d gotten from Paige earlier had felt huge, but he was giving me the gory details. I understood why Paige was hesitant to share them. How had our lives gotten this way?
“Why did you lie to me?” My voice croaked and tears built in my eyes. When one spilled over the rim, landing my scorched flesh, I winced. Since this wasn’t the first tear I’d shed since waking, I had a new appreciation for my painkillers.