“That is so beautiful,” Abigail said, looking up from her knitting. “I don’t mean to intrude on a somewhat-private conversation, but I cannot help but be thankful for what a marvelous work the Lord is doing in you.”
Emma Jane smiled at her. “I’m thankful, too. I had no idea how miserable my life was, and while I knew how to bear through all things, I had no peace in my heart. Now I have nothing but joy, knowing that I can bear all things through the love of God.”
Even as she spoke the words, all of her frustrations over her marriage to Jasper disappeared. The Lord had been with her through everything, and now, even with the future so uncertain, He would be with her still.
Moses gave a small cry, and Emma Jane started to get up to get him. She’d left him sleeping in the other room. Had she been wrong to leave him alone?
Abigail set a hand on her knee. “Give him a few moments. He needs to learn patience.”
Patience? But he was just a baby. Moses began to wail.
“The baby’s crying,” Jasper said in the same dull voice he always used when mentioning Moses.
“Why don’t you see what he needs, Jasper,” Abigail suggested in a singsong voice.
The look on Jasper’s face was almost worth all the trouble he’d been giving her. You’d have thought she’d asked him to pet a snake.
“Uh, I don’t know anything about babies.” He looked imploringly at Emma Jane, but Abigail set a hand on her knee.
“Sounds like the perfect time to learn,” Abigail said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Every man needs to know how to take care of his children.”
The weight of everyone’s stares hung heavily on Emma Jane. She knew Jasper didn’t want to have anything to do with Moses, and he certainly didn’t consider the baby to be his son.
But maybe, if Jasper could just get to know Moses, he’d fall in love with him, just as Emma Jane had.
She’d just been praising God for taking care of her even when things looked bleak. Right now, Jasper’s lack of interest in taking care of Moses was perhaps the most difficult thing she faced.
“It’s all right, Jasper, he won’t break.” Emma Jane gave an encouraging smile. “Just pick him up and bring him in here. He might stop crying just because someone is holding him. But if he has other needs, we can help you figure them out.”
“Just be mindful of his head,” Abigail said. “You’ll need to support it with your hand because he’s not strong enough to hold it up himself.”
Emma Jane was tempted to give him a few other cautions. After all, Jasper wouldn’t know how Moses always managed to wiggle out of his blanket but preferred to be wrapped snugly. But too many instructions might be overwhelming for him, and it would give him an excuse not to try.
“Fine.” Jasper turned and stalked out of the room.
Abigail patted Emma Jane’s knee. “It will be all right. Every man needs to learn how to take care of a baby, and since Jasper has had no inclination to learn, this will be a good way for his feet to get wet.”
Olivia entered the room from the kitchen, smiling as she said, “So true. Stephen was terrified of holding our children when they were babies. But a man has to get comfortable taking care of the little ones. There will come a time when you can’t do it all yourself and he’s going to need to help.”
If only Jasper’s hesitation at taking care of Moses was so simple. Were it his own child, Emma Jane had a feeling that Jasper would be much more hands-on and willing to take care of the baby. But Moses?
“What if he doesn’t want the baby in the first place?”
The words slipped out of Emma Jane’s mouth before she could take them back.
Olivia gave her a strange look. “I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. Babies come whether you want them or not.”
Emma Jane sighed. “Not Moses.”
“Who wouldn’t want a sweet boy like Moses?” Abigail picked up her knitting and motioned for Emma Jane to do the same. “Why, if I thought Charles would let me, I’d be tempted to take him myself. He is such a dear boy. But Charles is upset because we already have too many mouths to feed, and he does so hate that we are dependent on my family providing work for him.”
Abigail’s long-suffering sigh made Emma Jane wonder if this wasn’t part of the marital problems Abigail had alluded to earlier.
“Let’s not vex poor Charles further,” Olivia murmured. “We wouldn’t want to give him one more thing to take responsibility for.”
“Mother!” Abigail threw down her knitting. “Why must you make such remarks? You can’t imagine how intimidating it is for a man to marry a woman whose parents can give her far more than he can. And then, to have to work for his father-in-law because there are no other jobs available to him.”
Emma Jane thought she heard Olivia mutter something about him being too lazy, but she couldn’t be certain. Regardless, it wasn’t her fight, but clearly she wasn’t the only one whose marriage made things awkward for the family.
Perhaps she’d expected too much out of her marriage so soon. When they returned to town, Emma Jane would make more of an effort with her mother-in-law.
Abigail looked over at Emma Jane. “You’re never going to get anything accomplished if you don’t pick up your needles. Now, show me what you’re doing, so I can see where you’ve gone wrong.”
Emma Jane complied, staring more at the door than at her work. Moses had stopped crying, but Jasper hadn’t returned.
“Well, that’s where half of your mistake is. You’re paying more attention to the door than you are to your knitting. Jasper and the baby are fine.”
Emma Jane couldn’t manage to find a way to take her eyes off the door to focus on her project. The wool would have ordinarily been a comfort to her, its softness a balm on her fingertips. Even the cheery yellow would have ordinarily brightened her mood, but she found that her thoughts of Jasper seemed to give everything a grayish hue.
“That’s how I knew she was meant to be Moses’s mother,” Olivia said, her smile evident in her words. “She worries about him just as she would her own.”
The words didn’t comfort her, not when Jasper didn’t want to accept that fact. How could others see it when he couldn’t?
Abigail nudged Emma Jane again. “Now, let’s get focused.”
“How?” She looked down at the tangle of yarn and needles, and sighed. “How do you focus on something when the only thing on your mind is wondering if your baby is all right?”
“He’s not crying anymore, is he?”
Acknowledging the silence was almost embarrassing, especially with the knowing look Abigail gave her.
“Oh, now.” Olivia gave her daughter a sharp look. “As I recall, you were just as bad when Molly was born. You would hardly use the outhouse for fear something might happen to her.”
“Mother!” Despite Abigail’s rebuke, Emma Jane could hear the affection in the other girl’s voice.
This was the sort of family life she’d always wished to have for herself. Was it too much to hope that it was still possible?
* * *
Jasper tried telling himself that this all had to be some crazy nightmare. Why would they want him to get the baby? Probably some bizarre test.
He entered the room where they baby lay in a small basket. The infant’s hands were balled up at his red little face as big tears ran down his cheeks. If it weren’t for all the trouble the little thing was causing in his life, he’d almost feel sorry for him.
Leaning over the basket, he muttered, “Don’t cry.”
The baby continued to wail.
“Look, baby,” Jasper said as gently as he could. “I don’t know anything about babies. They all seem to think I’m just going to pick you up and suddenly be able to take care of you, but listen...”
The baby had ce
ased his wailing and was looking up at him with dark eyes. Watching. Like he really was listening.
“I don’t want to break you, all right? So if you could just stay settled down, then I won’t have to pick you up and then I won’t drop you. Because as mad as I am at Emma Jane for getting us into this situation, I don’t want any harm to come to you.”
The baby reached a hand toward Jasper, and Jasper couldn’t help but reach in to touch the hand. So tiny. Fragile.
No, he couldn’t possibly pick up the baby.
“Were you just lonely, little fella?”
The baby blinked up at him.
“You’re probably missing all the pretty ladies fussing over you, aren’t you?”
Jasper shifted his position slightly, so he was kneeling beside the cradle, and the baby’s head seemed to move in the same direction, as if to follow him.
“I suppose they’re taking good care of you. Emma Jane sure has taken a shine to you.”
Jasper frowned. He had to admit, the baby was pretty cute, if you liked wrinkly faces, dark hair that didn’t seem to go in any particular direction and big dark eyes that didn’t seem able to stay focused on anything.
“What do I do about her, little guy?”
“You could try talking to her and working through the uncomfortable moments, instead of shutting down or walking away.”
Jasper jumped at the sound of Emma Jane’s sweet voice.
“I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Perhaps I should leave, so you could keep talking to Moses and I can hear more of what’s in your heart.” She knelt beside him. “He likes you.”
Her words warmed him. They shouldn’t have. After all, she’d gone and taken in this baby without his consent. Worse, he was starting to find that despite all of his frustrations in her lack of respect for his wishes, somehow Emma Jane was finding a way into his heart.
“Why do you want to know more of what’s in my heart?” he asked, his voice catching as he spoke.
Emma Jane looked at him, the dark specks in her blue eyes mesmerizing him, as though they were a puzzle waiting for him to solve.
“You were the one who suggested we start over and get to know each other.”
If she had been any other woman, he’d have complimented the beautiful smile lighting her face far better than the fire burning gently in the fireplace. But every time he told her of her beauty, it made her uncomfortable. She’d probably heard him compliment all the other ladies in town, and now it was probably difficult for her to ascertain his sincerity.
In truth, any compliment he’d want to pay her far outshone any he’d ever given. Emma Jane had a quiet loveliness, like an unexpected flower in... Jasper shook his head. He was known for that sort of compliment, and it clearly wouldn’t work on Emma Jane. He’d need to think of another way to think about her.
“You’re right,” he said slowly. “Thank you. I appreciate you making the effort.”
“Why did it take you so long to answer me?” Her words were gentle, not an accusation. But a deeper probing into the recesses of his heart.
He hadn’t meant for their courtship to enter such troubled waters. Jasper was quite adept at maneuvering through all the small talk that occurred when courting a young lady. But Emma Jane... It was like diving into a place he’d never been.
“Because I don’t know what to say.”
“Whatever’s in your heart.” Her expression was guileless, and he hated how it immediately made him suspicious. Everyone always wanted something from him, and since Emma Jane knew his weakness, it almost made it harder to open up.
“I don’t know how to do this.” The words were hard to say, burning in his throat as they came out.
“It’s all right.” Emma Jane patted his knee and reached into the cradle, picking up the baby. “Just put your arm out, like mine, and I’m going to set his head in the crook of your elbow.”
Jasper hadn’t been talking about the baby. But as Emma Jane’s soft hands placed the downy head against his arm, he had to wonder if it would have been safer to simply confess the longings and confusion in his heart. Having the baby in his arms, it made him feel...
“Please, Emma Jane, I know you mean well, but...”
“Look at him. He likes you.”
Her voice was so soft and tender he couldn’t help but obey. How could this baby look at him with so much...was it love?
“I don’t understand.” Jasper turned his gaze to Emma Jane. “He doesn’t know me. Why would he?”
She looked down at the baby and smoothed the hairs on his head. “Because that’s what babies do. All they ask is for someone to care for them and give them a loving touch.”
Then she turned her face back up to Jasper, her eyes looking deep into his. “That’s all any of us needs, really. But somehow we get it all mixed up as adults. Babies love automatically and unconditionally. We turn love into this complicated thing that seems to be unattainable. But it’s not. We just have to be willing to trust as blindly as a baby.”
Trust. He’d asked that from her, and she seemed to be asking that from him. Except Emma Jane was asking for trust on a different level. To jump into completely unknown territory and give her his heart, not just his fortune. Fortunes were easily gained and lost. But his heart...?
He’d never risked that before. Never even offered it.
Which was why, when he leaned in to kiss her, it wasn’t with the teasing look, flirtatious comments or flattery he’d given every other girl in town. He pressed his lips to hers with the gentle question, asking her to let him in. But more than that, it was an offering.
Every kiss he’d given had merely been to taste, to take, and had all been for pure amusement. As Emma Jane’s lips moved against his, he knew that this kiss sealed something special between them. For Jasper, kissing Emma Jane was offering his first kiss, or at least the first sharing of all of him, asking for all of her.
When he pulled her closer to him, deepening the embrace, he felt the bundle in his other arm pressing between them. Emma Jane must have felt it, too, because she jerked away.
“What was that?” She sounded angry as she pressed her fingers to her lips.
“I’m sorry, I got caught in the moment.”
Emma Jane backed away. “That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
No, it wasn’t. “I’m sorry,” he said simply. “I...”
He’d tried giving her a part of his heart and she’d...
She kept her fingers on her lips, like they were tingling the way his still were. Their kiss might not have been what was supposed to happen, but she’d felt it, too. Something intense had passed between them, and while he was trying to acknowledge it, Emma Jane seemed too afraid.
“I think I might be developing feelings for you,” he said, hoping that his admission would put her at ease.
Emma Jane removed her fingertips from her lips. “You might?”
Then she shook her head. “I should have known. You know, at first I was offended that you hadn’t tried to kiss me. I even imagined at one point that when we were trapped in the mine together, just before it caved in, you had kissed me. And now you’ve kissed me for real, and all you can say is that you might have feelings for me?”
She took the baby out of his arms and stood. “I am not one of your playthings to toy with.”
Jasper quickly scrambled to his feet. “I know. And I wasn’t. There is something between us, and I’m trying to make sense of it.”
Then he stopped. Stared at her. Examined her flushed face, her flashing eyes and her heaving chest. She was angry. Truly angry. Confused. And hurt.
“Wait. You thought you imagined our kiss in the mine?”
Emma Jane nodded slowly.
“Why would you think you imagined it?”
A
tear trickled down her cheek. “Who would want to kiss me? Why would you, a handsome, well-bred man who could have any girl he wanted, want to kiss me?”
So many reasons, and as they crossed his mind, he remembered all the compliments he’d paid her, and all the arguments she’d had against him. How could he tell her how very lovely she was? How desirable she was to him? How could he make her believe him?
All he had was the truth.
“That night, in the mine, I was attracted to you. When you approached me earlier in the barn and told me what was happening to your family and how you wanted me to help, I admired you.”
Jasper took a deep breath as he remembered how he’d noticed her eyes and the way the dark flecks danced back then, just as they were doing now.
“I barely knew you, and I didn’t want to marry anyone, let alone you, but I was so impressed that you came right out and told me that’s what you wanted. No one had ever been honest with their intentions like that before.”
She continued looking at him with that accusatory expression.
“Beauty isn’t just about a person’s outward appearance, you know.” He returned her glare. “Your dress was the most awful thing I’d ever seen on a person, but I admired your honesty and courage. I’m sorry if you don’t believe me, but I found that very attractive. And when we were stuck in the mine, and we were talking about real things, I felt a real connection to you. So I kissed you.”
Jasper shrugged. “I’m sorry if that offends you, Emma Jane. It was wrong, I know. I shouldn’t have taken the liberty. I acted impulsively in the moment, and I’m sorry if it caused you pain.”
He’d tried to be sorry for kissing her, but even now, having kissed her a second time, he couldn’t regret it.
“Why didn’t you mention the kiss before?” Her eyes were still watery from her tears, but at least they were no longer trickling down her cheeks.
“Why didn’t you?”
Emma Jane looked at the ground. “I told you. Why would anyone want to kiss me? I figured I must have imagined it.”
He reached forward and lifted her chin, looking into her eyes. “No. But I felt like I’d taken advantage of your weakened state, and the honorable thing was to pretend like it had never happened.”
Shotgun Marriage (Leadville, Co. Book 3) Page 18