“Is that why you so readily gave in to my family’s demands that you marry me?”
“In a way,” he admitted with a brusque nod. “I knew you’d been compromised, and the honorable thing to do was marry you. Plus, you’d saved my life. I felt like I owed it to you.”
“And now?”
“Now what?” he murmured.
“Why did you kiss me?”
Jasper closed his eyes. Tried to come up with the right words when he had no explanation other than the one he’d already given.
He finally opened his eyes and looked down at her. “Things are changing inside me. My feelings for you are changing.”
His answer didn’t appear to be what she wanted to hear. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “You have told me over and over how much you do not want to be married to me. You’ve said that you don’t believe me when I say that I did not trap you on purpose. You keep telling me that you don’t trust me and that I have to earn your trust.”
His own words hurt more when used against him. Especially because even though he’d tried offering himself to her, part of him knew they were still true. Yet they weren’t. How could it be both?
“I can’t explain it.” He didn’t even know what to tell himself. He wanted her, but he was still afraid. Something inside him had shifted, but he didn’t know what or how. Was it the Bible reading he’d been doing when he thought Emma Jane wasn’t looking? Or the wisdom from the Lewises? Or was it Emma Jane herself?
She stared at him, as if he owed her something more.
“It’s like what you told me with Mary. How something inside you was different. I don’t know why, but it’s the same for me.”
Her shoulders seemed to relax, and her posture seemed less tense. “I understand.” Then she frowned. “And I suppose I also understand why you were hesitant to believe in me. Because I don’t know if I believe you.”
How quickly the tables turned. Jasper felt a new sympathy for Emma Jane and how his disbelief in her must have hurt. Yet this wound seemed to sting a little deeper. After all, he’d offered her something he’d offered no other—his heart—and she needed more proof.
“What do you want from me?”
Emma Jane held the baby out to him. “I want you to accept Moses as your son.”
He looked at the baby, then he looked at her. “I’ve already held the baby.”
“The baby.” Emma Jane made a derisive noise. “You’ve not once mentioned him by name.”
Jasper swallowed. He’d barely begun to accept the child, and now she wanted him to acknowledge a name he hadn’t chosen and wasn’t even sure he liked?
“I thought maybe we could discuss the baby’s name.”
“His name is Moses.” She set her jaw stubbornly as she brought the baby back closer to her body.
“Moses,” Jasper said slowly, feeling the word on his lips. He looked at the baby, then he looked back at her. “I’m really trying to make this work. But I give you all I have to offer, and you ask for more.”
Emma Jane looked down at the baby and stroked his head. “A few days ago, that would have been enough. But now I have a child to think about, and I have to do what’s best for him.”
As he watched her retreat, Jasper suddenly felt weary. The room seemed emptier without her and the baby, but he didn’t know how to make her stay. And if she stayed, would they continue hurting each other with their words?
The life he’d planned for himself was so much simpler. Chasing bandits was easy enough. No, not easy, but at least he didn’t have to sort through feelings only to find his effort had been for naught.
He’d offered a piece of himself to Emma Jane that he’d never offered anyone else. But she acted like he’d insulted her instead.
Exhaling wearily, Jasper shoved his hand through his hair. Obviously, he’d been wrong in following his heart and attempting to connect with her on a romantic level. He’d promised her a marriage of convenience, and tonight’s kiss had violated that promise.
Emma Jane might have thought herself foolish to have imagined their kiss in the mine, but Jasper had been more foolish. He’d repeated what was clearly a mistake. One that wouldn’t happen again.
Chapter Fifteen
Emma Jane slept poorly that night. Sometime around dawn, she gave up the fight for sleep and wandered into the kitchen. Jasper had never come to bed, not that they were sharing a bed, of course, but he hadn’t even come to their room to keep up the appearance of being a married couple.
She heated a kettle of water and looked out the window, noticing that the snow had finally stopped falling. Moonlight glittered on the surface of the ground, blanketed in white. The drifts were almost to the base of the window, so that if she opened the window, she could touch the top of the snowbank.
Jasper would want to leave as soon as he realized the worst of the weather was over. How they’d make it to town through the deep snow, she didn’t know, but knowing Jasper, he’d find a way.
As she’d found herself doing multiple times throughout the night, Emma Jane touched her fingertips to her lips again.
Why had he kissed her like that?
Jasper had said he’d been attracted to her. Which hardly seemed possible, considering how unattractive Emma Jane was. Everyone said so. Her mother used to tell her that only a blind man would be able to overlook her lack of beauty. Certainly all of the young ladies had far more to recommend them than Emma Jane.
Why then would he find her attractive?
Though Jasper had mentioned admiring pieces of her character, Emma Jane could hardly fathom such things would make up for her lack of looks.
Her eyes filled with tears. Why would he toy with her like that?
All this time, she’d been curious about what it would be like to kiss him, hurt because he’d kissed every girl in town except her, and now, she found it only to be more confusing than anything else.
She’d liked his kiss. Liked the way his big, strong arms felt around her. As if she was safe. And she could count on him.
For a moment, she even thought she might have felt a spark between them.
But for Jasper, he’d only thought he might be developing feelings. So what had the kiss been? A game? Just one more of his experiments in curiosity, like he’d had with every other girl in town?
He’d said it was different, but Emma Jane wasn’t sure she could trust him. If he’d really changed, why was he still being so obstinate about Moses?
The water was finally ready, and Emma Jane began making her tea. Soon the sun would be up, and Olivia would be in to prepare breakfast. Emma Jane glanced at the closed door to the rooms off the kitchen. Abigail and her family occupied those rooms, and it was hard not to peek in and check on Moses. Because the baby was still too young to sleep through the night, Abigail had said it would be easier to keep him with her for his midnight feedings.
How was it possible to love someone so completely in such a short period of time? If only Jasper could understand that love and be more accepting of Moses.
Emma Jane sighed.
One more reason why it seemed hard to accept that Jasper’s feelings were anything more than one of his passing fancies. His moods seemed to be up-and-down, not at all the steady emotion she felt for Moses.
Jasper’s driving passion to find Daisy had been stronger than any of the emotion he’d expressed toward Emma Jane. And if she was to be completely honest about Jasper, well...
She sighed again.
The last time they’d been stuck here, she’d thought the two of them had developed a strong friendship. They’d talked and laughed, and Emma Jane was certain they’d have a good relationship once they returned to town. When her parents demanded they marry, she believed it wouldn’t be so bad, considering she and Jasper had already bonded.
But this? The constant up-and-down and never knowing if Jasper was going to be friendly or antagonistic?
Which Jasper would she return home to?
The door creaked open, and Emma Jane turned, expecting to see Olivia but instead found Jasper, hair mussed and rubbing his eyes, walking through the door.
“I’m making tea,” she told him, realizing that she’d oversteeped the leaves, but not sure she cared. Perhaps the stronger drink would help her gather her thoughts.
“I thought you’d still be asleep.” He walked to the table and accepted the cup she offered him. “Thank you.”
“What are you doing up so early?”
“I woke up when the wind stopped howling. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Too much on my mind. I’m hoping to beat the bandits back to town.”
That was the kind of devotion she’d hoped for him to feel toward her. The kind of devotion that should have backed up his kiss.
“I’ve been thinking,” Emma Jane said slowly, even though the idea was just coming to her. “I’m going to stay here. You need to get back to deal with the bandits, but I need Abigail to feed Moses, so I’m going to stay with them.”
Time seemed to stand still for a few moments as Jasper watched her. He had to know that she was right. Without Abigail, Moses wouldn’t be able to eat. Why she hadn’t thought of it sooner, she didn’t know, but here, in the stillness of the morning with Jasper preparing to leave, it was all too clear. He’d have to go without her.
“Why do you think I asked you to leave Moses here?” His words were gentle, and while she’d expected some level of argument from him, she hadn’t expected him to sound so...reasonable.
“I need to stay with my son.”
“People will talk if I come home without you,” he rasped.
“I thought you didn’t care about what people said.”
She watched as he flattened his lips, his jaw tightening. He didn’t have an argument she couldn’t counter, and she found, as he appeared to weigh her words, that she no longer cared.
What if people talked? She had done everything to avoid people talking. And yet, it hadn’t changed a thing. In fact, all the painstaking measures she’d taken to silence her critics had only made her miserable.
Well, she was done with that way of thinking. If people wanted to talk because she was doing what was best for her son, then so be it.
Jasper looked at her long and slow. “I don’t like it, but that’s the way of things. People talk, and while I try to ignore it, I know how it hurts people.”
His expression softened. “Like you.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know I haven’t done my best by you to keep the talk down, but once this business with the bandits is done, I’ll do what I can.”
Yet again, Jasper was putting her off. Now that he was heading back to town, Emma Jane was no longer a priority. Just as she’d suspected, her husband had no interest in her other than being a passing fancy. He’d kissed her because she was convenient to him, not because he’d developed any special feelings for her.
She’d almost been fooled. For a moment, she’d almost thought that he’d developed a level of tenderness toward her. But no. He’d merely sought his amusement with her because there’d been little else to do.
Worse, Emma Jane had been the one to incite the action. Had she not taunted him into holding Moses, they’d have both remained content in their own worlds. The attachment she’d been forming to Jasper would never have happened, and then her brain wouldn’t be so muddled by the kiss.
Spending time with Jasper was simply too dangerous to her heart. So prickly on the outside, he wasn’t a man she wanted to know. But when he lowered his defenses...
Emma Jane sighed. Now that was a Jasper she liked. Could perhaps feel something more for. Except that just as quickly as he let his guard down, the prickles came back up, and that was a man she couldn’t live with.
Their marriage vows had been for better or for worse, but as Emma Jane watched her husband calmly sip his tea, she had to wonder if they really had a marriage at all. Technically, with their marriage not consummated, they weren’t married. Emma Jane had heard that some people in those circumstances were able to get an annulment.
It seemed their reasons for getting married were no longer valid, at least not to Emma Jane. And after spending all this time trying to make things work with Jasper, to even establish a friendship, they’d gained no ground. He was still the same Jasper who refused to see anything other than his own interests.
Emma Jane cleared her throat. “All the same, I’d prefer to remain here. The talk doesn’t bother me so much as the worry over what might happen to Moses.”
Irritation flashed across Jasper’s face. “And you don’t think I care about what happens to the child? I’m not without feeling, you know. I can understand that you want what’s best for the baby, but you seem to be forgetting that you lack the ability to feed him.” Nostrils flaring, he drew several deep breaths, then bit out, “He was sick before we came here, Emma Jane, and now that he’s well, it seems selfish to take him away.”
Selfish? She glared at him. “It seems to me that, yet again, you’re putting your motives right back on me. But you refuse to see any possibility other than my leaving him behind.”
“And you refuse to see the fact that you may not be the best person to take care of that baby right now.” Jasper’s eyes flashed as his jaw tightened. “We’re married, Emma Jane. And while I’m trying to get to know you so we can find common ground, you keep hiding behind that baby and using him as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length.”
Every cell in Emma Jane’s body heated. “I am merely doing what’s right. Something I thought you would support, considering this is Daisy’s child. You have just as many excuses keeping me at bay. As for using the baby as an excuse, you’re the one who runs away every time the subject comes up.”
Jasper took another swallow, then set his teacup down slowly. “Of course I do. Because no matter what I say or do, you refuse to see my side of things. So what’s the point in sticking around and having the same argument over and over? Even now, what are we accomplishing?”
Emma Jane smoothed her skirts and straightened her shoulders as she gave him a long, steady look. “Precisely. Which is why it’s time we both admit that what we hoped to accomplish with our marriage has failed. No matter what we do, people are going to talk. And you and I are never going to see eye to eye. So why would we spend the rest of our lives making each other miserable?”
“What are you saying?” Jasper’s eyes narrowed.
She’d seen that expression on his face before. Her suggestion would have wounded the pride of any man, but since Jasper took such stock in his ability to help her, this wound probably cut deeper.
“You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams because of my parents’ greed. Because of my simple mistake. You deserve to have the life you want for yourself.” She released a trembling breath. “So I’m setting you free, Jasper. Go back to town. Be a lawman. Find someone to fall in love with.”
Emma Jane’s throat tightened. Something in her heart constricted at the thought of him finding someone else. But it was clear that she wasn’t the one for him.
“Do you know the scandal a divorce would cause?” Jasper’s voice was hoarse.
His response gave Emma Jane all the assurance she needed that ending their sham of a marriage was the right decision. If all he cared about was the gossip, well, that would blow over soon enough.
“I’m not asking for a divorce,” she said quietly. “We have enough grounds for an annulment, given that we never had a real marriage to begin with. People might talk at first, but soon enough the Jackson fortune will be enough to smooth things over.”
Even in the dim light, Emma Jane could see Jasper’s face pale. He probably hadn’t realized t
he extent to which she’d thought her idea through. There were still some details she hadn’t figured out, like how she was going to support herself and her son, but she would find a way.
“I can’t leave you with nothing. You’re right, my reputation would be easily repaired, but you wouldn’t fare so well. The only option available to you would be the same lifestyle as the women you’re working so hard to help.”
His blunt words were like being dumped into one of the snowbanks.
“Pastor Lassiter...” Emma Jane began, but the expression on Jasper’s face told her all she needed to know.
The older man had been working so hard to help their marriage that he’d feel betrayed at Emma Jane giving up so quickly. He’d meant the words when he married the couple, and he’d expected them to mean something to them, as well. If there was anything to feel guilty about, it was the fact that she’d be breaking faith with the only person who’d truly believed in her.
“I could leave Leadville. Tell people I’m a widow. No one would question...”
“You’d make a liar of yourself?” His voice was quiet, but the accusation stung worse than it would have had he slapped her.
“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought...” Tears clogged her throat. Ending their marriage had seemed so simple, but Jasper’s questions made it look more and more impossible.
But he was right. Of all the things Emma Jane valued most, it was her own integrity. She could sleep at night knowing she’d done nothing wrong, but how would she sleep if she built her future on a lie?
“Is being married to me truly that bad?” Jasper asked hoarsely.
“We want different things.”
The expression on his face was tortured. “Is it because I kissed you?” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I am so sorry, Emma Jane. I acted without thinking. You were promised a marriage of convenience, and I crossed a line. I was wrong to have kissed you. I promise, I won’t seek to impose on you ever again.”
Shotgun Marriage (Leadville, Co. Book 3) Page 19