She sighed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. My sister is very particular about not letting people see her feet.”
“Her feet?” He thought back, trying to remember if he’d ever seen them. Under normal circumstances, of course he wouldn’t, but they’d decimated traditional social boundaries over the last few days.
“She’s sensitive about the way they look.”
He was so careless. The limp. “It’s part of her condition?”
“Yes.”
“Are there other things that are part of her condition?” If it affected Julia’s life, he wanted to know about it.
Amelia smiled at him. “There are, but I think you should ask her about it instead of me.”
Right. He didn’t imagine Julia enjoyed having people talking about her difficulties, even when it was with good intentions. Come to think of it, there were a lot of things he ought to know about Julia that he didn’t.
He would learn them. Everything there was to know, and everything that might stand in the way of her wanting to wake up with him every morning. Jasper stretched his arms out, settling into his muscles. There was something very satisfying about having a purpose to accomplish. Particularly when success meant more time wrapped up with Julia’s naked limbs.
“Am I allowed to be part of the conversation again?”
“You are.” Amelia leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Did you know you’re my favorite husband?”
The small smile Nick gave her as he reached out and covered her hand with his resonated within Jasper. That was how he felt. That was what he wanted—open kisses and private smiles over breakfast.
“Jasper.” Ruby entered the dining room with her shoulders back and her chin high. “I need to speak with you alone. Immediately.”
Jasper’s grandmother referred to the stance as Ruby’s difficult posture, and getting trapped with her when she was in one of those moods was sure to ruin his mood. Besides, he had a mission to accomplish. “So sorry. I can’t right now. There are things I have to see to.”
“What kind of things?”
“Important things.” Like devising a plan to make Julia Bishop fall in love with him. “We’ll talk later.”
“Jasper, stop.”
But he was already out of the chair and on his way out the door.
It was cowardice, but Julia skipped breakfast—again. She didn’t argue when Nora read her the riot act on the dangers of being late for her morning routine. She didn’t even tell Nora to mind her own business when she demanded to know where Julia had been all night.
“I was with Jasper.”
Nora gasped. “You’ve finally done it, then. You’ve gone and ruined yourself.”
That made Julia lift her head. “I don’t feel ruined. I feel wonderful.”
“Then why do you look as though someone has died?”
“I think I love him.” She tried the words out in her mouth. They were strange to say, but they felt right.
“No need to ask how it went, then.” Nora landed on the chair with a thud. “You don’t love him, you’re just—”
“I think I do.” She knew about lust, and this was something different. She cared about what he thought, and she hurt when he was hurting. It was different than what she felt for Amelia and Nicholas, but it would be, wouldn’t it? Parts were the same. Still, how could she know for sure? And what would be the point? “He’s a duke and I’m…me, so nothing can ever come of it.”
“Nothing more than’s already come of it, which could be a child for all you know,” Nora grumbled.
“We didn’t—it wasn’t like that. I know enough to know that’s not a concern.”
“Oh.” Nora frowned. “But you love him.”
“Yes.” The tightness started in her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut to keep it from turning into tears. “And I wasn’t supposed to, because now I want so much more than I’m allowed to have.”
Nora’s skirts rustled as she crossed to Julia’s bed. “Don’t you worry, my lady. There’s no reason to cry.”
There was every reason to cry. She was tired, she was sad, she was hungry. It was a bloody miracle she’d lasted this long. But before she could properly immerse herself in pity, a knock sounded on the door. She couldn’t even have a proper cry without being bothered.
It took Julia a moment to realize Nora intended to open it. “What are you doing? Look at me. Don’t answer—”
“Lord Bellamy. How may I be of assistance?”
“Please tell Lady Julia I would like to have a word with her, to continue our conversation from earlier.”
Nora looked back at her.
Julia shook her head. She couldn’t. Not until she figured out how to get this feeling under control. Otherwise she’d make a fool of herself.
“I’m afraid my lady is indisposed.”
“Not a problem,” Jasper answered. “I’ll wait.”
Nora looked back again.
“You can’t really expect her to let you into my room,” Julia called.
From the door, Jasper called back, “It’s only fair. You were in mine.”
Thank God she hadn’t lied to Nora about where she’d been, or all hell would have been breaking loose in her bedroom. As it was, Nora looked far from happy.
Julia sighed. She checked her eyes in the glass to make sure they weren’t puffy. “Let him in.”
“Lady Julia—”
“You’re welcome to try to keep him out, but I’m too tired.” And the chance to see him, even when she was miserable, sent anticipation racing across her skin.
“If he’s anything like you, there’s no point,” Nora grumbled. “If you need me, I’ll be downstairs—far away from this indecency.”
Jasper was already making himself at home in the chair Nora had abandoned.
“Is everything all right?” Julia asked.
“Perfectly fine. I just needed to talk to you.”
“About?”
“Why you ran off this morning.”
She wasn’t ready to talk about that. She didn’t yet know how she could explain it—or if she even wanted to. “Jasper—”
“There’s a great deal I don’t know about you. I’d like to find it out.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“What’s your favorite color?”
He’d lost his mind. “Blue.”
Jasper frowned. “Why blue?”
“I don’t know?” Because it was. Who asked a thing like that?
Jasper leaned in, looking for all the world like he was deeply interested. “What do you like about it?”
Suspicion tugged at Julia’s mind. “What is the point of this?”
“I want to know you.”
Warmth bloomed in her chest. Julia squashed it down. “You think a color is going to bring that about?”
“Why do you like blue?” He was insistent.
Julia sighed. “It reminds me of the sky, and the ocean, and the deep part of twilight when the shadows get long.”
“That is an excellent reason.” His smile shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t send excitement swirling through her abdomen. “Do you like to read?”
“You can’t be serious.” If he wanted to know about her, there were better things to ask. Not that she would answer them, but that was beside the point.
“Is that a no?”
“It is not. I just…” Julia found her dressing gown, pulling it on and angling her legs out of Jasper’s view as she got out of bed. “This can’t be what you want to do with your morning.”
“It is.”
“Really? Hearing about Jane Austen is what you had planned?”
“If Jane Austen is who you like, yes.”
Julia paced the space in front of her window, trying to understand him. “Why are you doing this?”
“Last night, we said we care about each other. I meant that. I think you did, too.” Jasper left the chair and came to take her hand. “I want to know the details of your days. I don’t know if
you prefer early mornings or late nights, tragedies or comic farces, and I think you’d like to travel, but I don’t know where.”
There was that warm feeling, spreading through her again. He wanted to know her.
“Late nights. Love stories—no matter how they end.” Julia pleated the dressing gown with her fingers. “And I would like to start with China.”
“You’ll love Canton. I’ll take you there.”
And then she was right back on the edge of tears. The world would never let them keep each other, no matter how good it felt to be with him. He was a duke, and she was the disabled daughter of a disgraced country lord.
Julia pulled away from him and turned to the window. It was the same Berkshire countryside she’d looked at her entire life. No grand adventures, no Canton skyline. Just a stretch of grass and a line of trees. That was her world.
“No, you won’t.” Her shoulders slumped. “I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.”
“Julia.”
“Don’t. Please. You don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand?” It was a challenge.
“Anything! The way people whisper, stare, and point.” Julia started to pace but her left foot caught the edge of her dressing gown, and she toppled forward, catching herself against one of the bedposts. Perfect.
His hand touched her shoulder. “I am sorry about the fair.”
“It’s not just that.”
“Then what else?”
“Nora has to massage my legs every morning! There are foods I can’t eat and things I can’t do.” She looked him straight in the eye. “I have to relieve myself on a bloody schedule, otherwise I'll fall ill and die.”
God, what on earth was wrong with her telling him that? Well, that would be the end of it. Any moment now, he should find a reason to make his exit.
But he didn’t run. His hand stayed on her back, warm and sure, tempting her to lean into it. Tempting her to need him. “What else?”
She couldn’t. Every sweet gesture made her want to keep him that much more, but he was only here to hide. Once he wasn’t hurting anymore, he’d leave.
“I’m sorry. I’m not doing this. This is just temporary, and I don’t want to ruin it.”
“What if I want more than temporary?” Jasper turned her around to face him. There was a soft look in his eyes. “I know what we said, but after this morning…”
After this morning, he probably felt guilty. Because she’d come apart in his arms and nice young ladies weren’t supposed to do that without promises. “There isn’t a future for us, Jasper. People like me and people like you don’t end up together.”
“People like me do as they please—and so should you.”
“That’s easy for a duke to say, but I’d be a terrible mistress, and an even worse duchess. I’m selfish and I’m brazen and I wouldn’t be helpful to you at all. I’d distract you from the things you need to do.” No matter which version of permanent he was offering, she wasn’t the right woman for it.
“I like all those things about you, and I certainly like being distracted by you.” He reached for her hands.
Julia looked down at their interlaced fingers. “Being with me would make it harder for you to be the man your grandfather wanted.”
“It won’t.”
“It will. People shun me, and some of them will shun you for choosing me.”
“Then I’ll shun them back. I’m a powerful man, after all. I hold all the cards.” His grin made her ache, but she couldn’t give in to it.
“I’m sure that’s exactly what’s best for the dukedom.”
He tipped her chin up until she was looking at him. His jaw was set and his eyes were clear. No one could mistake him for anything other than what he was—a peer of the realm. “I am the dukedom, and you’re what’s best for me.”
Julia closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his chest. They couldn’t be together. They might be good together, but she wasn’t good for him. “It’s a sweet thought, but not a realistic one.”
“Will you let me keep trying to change your mind?”
She should say no. It would be torture to have him tempting her, but she couldn’t bring herself to shut him out. She desperately wanted him to find a compelling enough argument so she could say yes. “You can try.”
And if she gave in she would ruin the man she loved, which would ruin her.
Julia hoped to God she could resist him.
Chapter Fourteen
He’d set out to learn things about Julia, and the mission had not been a failure. The woman standing in front of him was a romantic. She could have told him to go away. She could have told him not to try, but she hadn’t. Julia’s objections were based on what she thought society would allow. Jasper could give a damn what society thought. He wanted Julia. Waking up this morning, he’d felt a peacefulness he hadn’t known in years. He would not allow asinine prejudices to rob him of that—or of her. He was prepared to fight unfairly and use every weapon in his arsenal, now that the challenge was out in the open.
Jasper took her trailing dressing gown ties and pulled her closer with them. The warmth of her thighs pressed against him. “The world answers to us, Julia. Not the other way around.”
“Maybe to you.”
“To us.” He sat down on the bed, dragging her onto his lap. He lifted her arms until they wound around his neck. When her fingers began sifting through his hair, he sighed in relief. “Kiss me.”
She leaned in, her mouth hovering just short of his.
The tease of her was exquisite. When she played with him like this, stopping just shy of giving him what he wanted, it set his pulse racing. Having her in his arms was quickly becoming just as much about easing the brutal ache that had begun the moment he first saw her as it was about an attempt to convince her to be with him.
“Julia,” he begged.
She closed the distance. The moment her lips touched his, the tightly coiled tension in Jasper’s body responded. This was right. This was how it should be. He was hers to command.
Jasper wrapped her up in his arms, angling her chin and kissing her with the promise of their future together. Her hands roamed his chest and shoulders, making him stretch under her touch like a cat. She paused, fingers hovering over his chest. Jasper waited, pulling back on the kiss until they barely touched. She leaned in. He leaned away, keeping them right on the edge. With a moan, Julia pushed his jacket off and attacked the buttons on his shirt.
The dressing gown fell off her shoulders, pooling around her hips in his lap. Jasper explored her full curves through the thin linen of the nightgown. When his hands traveled down her spine to the indent of her waist, moving lower, she flinched forward.
Jasper froze. “Did I hurt you?”
It was the last thing he wanted to do. If he’d done something wrong…
“No, it doesn’t hurt. I just—” She didn’t finish the sentence. Instead she moved his hands out, onto her hips and thighs, and returned to kissing him.
Jasper was slow to resume his exploration, not wanting to make the wrong move, but before long he was dragging his palms down her thighs, over her kneecaps, down her calves.
She flinched again.
Again, Jasper stopped. “Julia?”
“It’s not—I just—I don’t want you to touch my feet.”
“Does it hurt?”
“No. It feels wonderful, but…” She straightened her spine. “They’re not pretty.”
Not pretty. Jasper frowned. “I think everything about you is beautiful.”
“You haven’t seen my foot.”
“May I?”
“No!” She realized that she’d raised her voice and calmed herself. “No. I’m sorry. No.”
The problem was compounding. Her surety that they couldn’t be together wasn’t the only difficulty. Not only did she not believe in their future—she didn’t trust him, either. “Julia, what are your intentions right now?”
“Right
now?” Her smile was edged with wickedness. “I thought we might make love.”
The temptation called to him. “I would very much like to make love to you.”
She leaned in to kiss him, but Jasper stopped her.
“You don’t trust me.” If she didn’t want him to see parts of her, that was her business. They could have a great deal of fun with blindfolds and darkened rooms, but Jasper couldn’t make love to someone without trust.
Her face fell again. “I trust you, I just don’t want you to see my feet.”
“Or your back.” Surely, she could see what he was getting at.
“There’s a scar there.”
“All right.”
“It’s ugly.”
Nothing about her was ugly. Even this insecurity was endearing in its way, but he couldn’t move forward with inhibitions. Inhibitions led to regrets, and he didn’t want either of them to regret anything about being together. “Julia, do you think I care about a scar or what angle your foot has?”
“It’s not that.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.” She scrubbed a hand across her forehead, as if she could scrub away his questions. “I want to feel beautiful, but I wouldn’t if you could see…you wouldn’t care, but I would.”
“You don’t trust me,” he repeated. He kissed her palm. “You want to, but you don’t.”
They looked at each other for a long moment. A fireplace log crackled in the silence.
“It will change the way you look at me,” she admitted. “When you look at me, your eyes light up like I’m some kind of treasure. I don’t want to lose that.”
“You won’t,” he promised. “Even if we never make it past this, I’ll always see you that way.”
“What are you saying?”
Jasper kissed her knuckles. “If you’re worrying that I might see or touch something I shouldn’t, you’re not really with me in the moment.”
She frowned, shaking her head. “I’m with you, I’m just…”
Not really with him. The trouble was, he needed her to be. When he lost himself in her, he wanted her to be lost right alongside him. He wasn’t giving up, but he wasn’t the sort of man who compromised, either. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to know everything there was to know about her, and be completely known by her.
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