A Scandal by Any Other Name

by Kimberly Bell

  He ducked again, coming around the desk to grab her arms so he could survive long enough to explain. If she still needed to throw things at him after that, he wouldn’t stop her.

  “I asked the queen for permission to marry you and she refused. I didn’t know what else to do. Ruby said—”

  Julia shoved him away. “Leave your sister out of this. You did this. You didn’t have the courage to tell me. You didn’t say a word to me before you left. Not Ruby.”

  It was all true. He had no excuse for it.

  “What do you want, Julia? Just tell me and I’ll do it.”

  Julia glared at him. “Tell me why. If you had a reason, why didn’t I deserve to know it?”

  “I thought it would hurt you if you knew Victoria turned down the request. I didn’t want you to think it was your fault.”

  “So instead you said nothing?” She shook her head, splotches of red rising up on her neck and cheeks. “Nothing Victoria could say would hurt me as badly as what you did.”

  It was like a punch to the gut. All he’d wanted was to protect her from this. Even now, with her shouting and throwing things at him, he just wanted things to go back to how they were. “I was a coward. I wanted to ask you to marry me, and then she said no, and I didn’t know how to make it right.”

  Julia’s teeth clenched. Her hands came up, closing around nothing—just empty air. She screamed without words until she found them. “I never needed you to marry me!”

  “I did.” He needed every morning and every night and all the hours in between. “I still do.”

  “Well, good for you, you selfish bastard. I’m glad it’s all about what you need.” She wiped away tears with an angry brush of her hand. “How do you think that’s working out for us? Are you happy?”

  “I’m miserable.”

  “Good.”

  “Are you—”

  “Don’t,” she snapped. “You don’t get to ask me that.”

  They stood and stared at each other; Julia silently fuming while Jasper drank in the sight of her. As his eyes pored over her, her posture wavered and she gripped the edge of his desk.

  Jasper was by her side in an instant. “Are you sick?”

  “Don’t touch me!”

  “Are you sick, Julia?” He demanded an answer. It was more important than any fight.

  She shook her head. “No.”

  He knew that stubborn look. “When was the last time you ate, or slept?”

  Her lack of an answer was answer enough.

  “Come on.” Jasper took her hand, and she let him. He pulled her toward the door.

  “Where are we going?”

  “My bedroom.”

  Julia dug in her heels, stopping them in place. “You left me. You don’t get to pretend that didn’t happen. I do not forgive you.”

  “I’m not asking you to. You need sleep. Let me take care of you.”

  “No.”

  “Please, Julia.” If anything happened to her, he wouldn’t survive it. He needed to take care of her. He needed to do the right thing for her, like he should have done weeks ago. “I won’t touch you, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. Don’t let this cost you more than it has.”

  She didn’t move.

  “You can resume yelling at me once you’ve had some rest.”

  The exhaustion was getting to her. She was swaying on her feet. “You’re not sleeping with me.”

  “I will keep my distance, if that’s what you want.”

  “It is.” With a tired sigh, she asked, “Where’s your room?”

  He showed her to his bedroom. Without saying a word, she slipped off her shoes and climbed onto the giant bed that dominated the room, pulling blankets and pillows around her as she settled in. Jasper lowered the gas lamps, until only the light from the fireplace remained.

  “You’re an ass, Jasper DeVere.”

  He sat down in the chair on the far side of the room. “I know.”

  As her eyes closed and her breathing settled into a steady rhythm, a weight Jasper had been carrying for weeks slowly faded away. His eyelids drooped. A few times he would pop awake, desperate to make sure she was still there, but she hadn’t moved. Eventually he lost the battle and sleep took him.

  For the first time since he’d walked away from her, it was peaceful.

  When his eyes opened again, it was with a jolt. Something had struck him in the chest. A woman’s slipper.

  “Wake up,” Julia demanded from his bed. She was sitting up with her legs drawn under her, looking much less exhausted.

  Jasper smiled. “Good morning.”

  Julia scowled. “It’s still night.”

  It didn’t matter. She was still here. “Julia, I just want you to know—”

  “I didn’t come here to reconcile,” she interrupted. “I just wanted you to know that you’re an idiot, and I didn’t believe for a second that you weren’t madly in love with me.”

  Something was happening. He could feel it. She wasn’t glaring at him as intently and some of the volume had gone out of her voice.

  “You don’t deserve me.” She wouldn’t look at him, choosing instead to focus on something over his right shoulder. “At all.”

  “All true.” He fought to keep the grin from creeping onto his face and ruining everything.

  “The queen’s an idiot, too. I’d be the best duchess anyone has ever seen.”

  A laugh slipped out. Julia’s eyes widened dangerously, and he held up his hands. “I agree, on all counts.”

  She settled again, glaring imperiously around his room. “Did she say why she refused?”

  “It had nothing to do with you.” Julia wouldn’t look at him, but he looked straight at her, trying to convince her of the truth. “She’s punishing me for embarrassing her. She says I need a wife who can smooth things over in society for me, since I’m bound to foul it up.”

  The corner of her lips twitched. “She did not say that.”

  “She did, actually.”

  When Julia finally looked at him, there was a sheen of tears in her eyes. “You don’t get to marry anyone who isn’t me.”

  “I won’t.” He couldn’t sit still anymore. He started to get up from the chair. “May I…”

  She nodded.

  Jasper crossed the distance between them. He sat beside her on the bed, and set his hand on the coverlet, palm up. She hesitated for a moment, before she reached out and took it.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry,” he said. “It didn’t feel right to ask you to be anything less than my wife. Not when you deserve—”

  “A lifetime of tears? That’s what you chose for us, Jasper. That’s what being apart means for us.”

  “I know.” Jasper pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her. “Please don’t make me live without you. I know it’s what I deserve, but please don’t.”

  “We’re not going by what you deserve anymore—or what you want. You’ve made a mess of it, and now I get to make all of our decisions unilaterally.”

  It was a slightly terrifying thought. Julia was anything but typical and her decisions wouldn’t be, either. Still, Jasper would rather be terrified than be without her. “I’m at your mercy.”

  What did she want? She could hurt him as badly as he hurt her, but not without destroying herself in the process. She’d been a fool to think she could come here without falling straight back into love with him.

  Damn you, Jasper DeVere.

  “After you left, what happened? What have you been doing?” Part of Julia hoped he’d been doing the same thing she had—wallowing in misery.

  “I’ve been trying to fix it.”

  “How?”

  He sighed. “By being the perfect duke. Playing politics, so I can ask the privy council to overrule Victoria’s decision.”

  Julia leaned back so she could scowl at him. “I’m sure your sister had nothing to do with that plan.”

  “She was involved,” he admitted. “It was the only way I
could see where we could stay in England and get married. Though, after the scene I just made in the throne room, I’m not sure that’s still an option.”

  It wasn’t about her getting sick or him not wanting her. It was because of these asinine ideas about what she deserved. If they were going to make a go of it, that had to stop.

  “I need you to promise me something.”

  “What is it? Anything in my power to give, I’ll—”

  She put her fingers against his lips. The man talked entirely too much. “Promise me, from now on, what I want will matter more than your fool notions about what I ought to have.”

  “I promise.”

  “Sometimes, that’s going to mean you have to ask me what I want.”

  “I will.” His hand came up, tipping her chin. “Does that mean you’ll have me back?”

  I never let you go. “That depends. Are you going to object when I insist you get me an audience with the queen?”

  Jasper laughed. He pressed a kiss to her lips. “I don’t see why I would. I got to try—even if it just made things worse.”

  She leaned closer into his chest, running her hands over his forearms. It felt good to touch him again. “I’m sure you made an excellent argument, but you’re used to being powerful. You don’t know how to win your point from an inferior position.”

  Julia knew all about fighting at a disadvantage. No one, queen or otherwise, was going to stand between Julia and happiness anymore. On that note, she had another request.

  “Will you take me somewhere tomorrow night?”

  “Where?” he asked.

  “Anywhere. A ball. The theater. Whatever can be arranged on short notice.” Anything public would do.

  Jasper pressed his lips to her temple. “I have a box at the opera. I think it’s Maria Padilla tomorrow.”

  “Perfect.”

  Julia didn’t want to let him out of her sight, but it was past time for her to be going. Any minute now the watch would come bursting in, sent by her father. Or Nora, preaching hellfire and brimstone because Julia was about to miss an item on the schedule. At the mention of the schedule, Jasper called up his carriage to give her a ride home. He insisted on riding with her, and when they pulled up in front of the Bishops’ London house, neither of them was ready for her to get out.

  “Tomorrow,” she said.

  “Tomorrow,” he promised.

  She climbed down without looking back, lest she change her mind and decide to stay with him indefinitely. There was no question that he would let her.

  After returning herself to Nora’s care, Julia went through the motions, but her mind wasn’t on their nightly routine. It was on her conversation with Jasper, and her future audience with the queen. She hadn’t lied—Jasper leaving hurt her far more than anything Victoria could say, but that didn’t mean meeting the queen was going to be easy. Julia had never been presented at court. She wasn’t prepared.

  In the end, it wouldn’t matter. Victoria already disapproved, so there was nothing for Julia to lose. It was a fatalistic thought, but oddly comforting, and it let her finally get to sleep after hours of staring at the ceiling.

  The following day, she had to face a different fear. No matter how much the queen disapproved of her, Victoria was certain to be dignified and reserved. There were no such guarantees regarding the other men and women at the opera. Julia rolled every possible scenario over in her head. You’ve got nothing to lose. If it goes as bad as you think it will, you haven’t lost anything.

  If it went better, it would be a bloody miracle. “How do I look, Nora?”

  Nora positioned the last of the feathers in Julia’s hair while Julia pulled on her stark-white opera gloves. They’d never been worn before because every time she thought she might go, she ended up changing her mind. Not this time. No matter what anyone said or did, Julia was going to stand her ground.

  “You look as pretentious as the best of them, Lady Julia.” Nora was grinning when she said it.

  She was ready.

  Julia went downstairs, where Jasper was waiting in head-to-toe black with a peek of white showing at his throat. For a moment, all she saw was his slow smile as she walked into the room. Then she realized Nicholas and Amelia were waiting with him.

  “What are you two doing here?”

  “We’re allowed to come to London if we want.” Amelia kissed her cheek. “Besides, you need a chaperone, and Papa hates the opera.”

  “You’re trying to steal my moment,” Julia accused, but there was no one she’d rather experience her first opera with than Mia, Jasper, and Nicholas.

  “It’s not just your moment,” Amelia said. “I’ve been waiting for this for years.”

  “And you?” Julia asked Nicholas.

  He put an arm around his wife’s waist. “Where Amelia goes, so goes my nation.”

  “Is there room for everyone?”

  Jasper took her opera cloak, settling the beaded velvet over her shoulders. “I think we can manage.”

  “Then I guess we should be off.”

  The Bishop townhouse wasn’t far from Covent Garden, so they were barely in the carriage for more than a few minutes before they’d pulled up in front of the towering columns of the Royal Opera House. Julia held on to Jasper’s arm to keep her hands from shaking as they ascended the steps. She was pleased to discover that it was mostly due to anticipation.

  Jasper leaned in, talking low. “I prefer the Italian operas. They have so much more passion than some of the others.”

  She knew what he was doing, trying to distract her nerves, and she loved him for it. “Let me guess—it ends tragically. Possibly with a double suicide.”

  “I have no idea what you mean.” He suddenly found the sleeve of his jacket very interesting.

  The lobby was full of milling nobility. The women looked like glittering jewels in their silks under all the lights. As they moved through the crowd toward the entrance to Jasper’s box, conversations died off and then picked back up at a whisper. Jasper’s arm tensed under her hand.

  “It’s all right,” she told him. She didn’t care what they thought. It was a beautiful night, she felt beautiful, and the most handsome man in the room was wildly in love with her. They had nothing she wanted—not even their approval.

  Ahead of them, a man didn’t bother keeping his voice low. “Apparently, they’ll let anyone into the opera these days.”

  She might not want his approval, but she’d be damned if she’d accept his scorn. Julia pretended to trip as they passed him, backhanding his drink across the crisp white fabric of his cravat.

  “Oh, my!” Julia let her love of the dramatic have free rein. “How clumsy of me. I hope you have time to change before the performance.”

  The gas lights raised and lowered, signaling that people should take their seats.

  Jasper’s crooked grin taunted her, and she moved past him to take her seat. “You are a wicked woman, Julia Bishop.”

  “I have no idea what you mean.” Her smile was coy.

  People continued to point and make a spectacle of themselves as the opening strains of music started but, for once, she barely noticed. She let them all fade away and focused on the story. It was about a girl who falls in love with a king, and they marry in secret because he’s supposed to marry a princess. The girl’s father comes to court and, believing the king has taken his daughter as a mistress, challenges the king to a duel. Meanwhile, the girl’s enemies try to convince her the king married the princess anyway, but the king finds out and proclaims the girl as his rightful wife and queen.

  As the opera unfolded, Jasper’s hand snuck over to hers, entwining their fingers. She looked over at Amelia a few times, and caught her sister staring back. They shared a smile.

  The whole thing would have been perfect—if the girl hadn’t then inexplicably killed herself at the end. Leave it to Jasper.

  When the last note finished, he asked, “Was that what you wanted?”

  Julia looked down at
the gallery, and out at the other boxes opposite theirs. A few people were looking and talking behind their fans, but they all seemed so much smaller than the people in the box beside her.

  She smiled back at him. “It’s a start.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  On the day of the audience with the queen, Jasper was a wreck. Beneath his court jacket, his skin was uncomfortably warm and his shoes, which had always fit perfectly up until that moment, had begun to pinch.

  It wasn’t just that he was afraid they would be refused again. Or that he was nervous for Julia, who was holding up remarkably well under the circumstances. It was also the elaborate piece of jewelry weighing down the inside pocket of his jacket that he couldn’t keep his mind off of.

  “There’s no way this ends favorably,” Nicholas said for the third time.

  “Likely not.”

  “And you’re going through with it anyway.”

  “It’s what Julia wants.” Jasper pulled at his cravat without actually untying it.

  Julia and Amelia finished their perusal of the Green Drawing Room, and Jasper saw his opening. Ruby had disappeared to discuss their place on the list of audiences with a clerk. He wasn’t going to get a better chance before they saw the queen.

  “Could I speak with you a moment, Julia?” He tried to keep his tone as neutral as possible, but he failed miserably.

  Julia exchanged a look with Amelia and dragged him off to a corner. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong.”

  “Something is wrong. Jasper, I can’t have anything go wrong right now. I’m—”

  He dropped down to his knee.

  Julia stared at him, mouth open.

  He searched for the words he’d planned to say, but for the first time in his life he was at a loss. He’d crafted a whole speech and he couldn’t remember it.

  “Jasper?”

  He shook himself. Just say what you feel. “I wanted to do this somewhere special, but then I thought—Buckingham Palace—there are worse places.”

  “Worse places for what?” She was looking at him like he’d lost his mind.

  Maybe he’d be better off trying a different tactic. He gave it another shot, this time without words. Jasper reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring.