For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

Helwyr sighed. “I didn’t run into any sabertooth slugs as I tracked my prey through the moonlit mountains. At dawn, just as I was about to give up, I climbed another boulder—and there he was. Bow in hand, I’d stumbled upon rarest trophy in the galaxy. And it didn’t see me. Carefully, quietly, I drew my bowstring and aimed.”

  “Suddenly, there was a ferocious roar—enormous, wet, savage—from somewhere behind the moose. The call of the sabertooth slug. Followed by a jostled cry. It was Mohai.

  “The moose spooked and stampeded away from the slug, toward me. I took my shot and my arrow shattered against one of its mighty antlers.”

  “There wasn’t time to load another bow, so I drew my machete and stood my ground. At the last second, we both attempted to dart out of the other’s way—he left and me right. I slashed upward at its throat. It bucked its head.”

  “When it was over, my face was covered in blood. I spun to see if I could take another swing at my opponent, but my vision was filled with red fire. Heavy hooves faded behind me. My hands searched the ground for my blade, and instead found the antler I’d exchanged for my eye.”

  “I was awakened from shock and self-pity by a second cry from my master. Half-blind, I stumbled toward his panicked shouting. By the time I got there, all that was left was a red smudge across some boulders with little tufts of blue fur here and there. If I’d had my eye, if I’d been able to run to him, I could have fought off the beast. Saved him.”

  “Tonight we eat. Tonight we smoke.” Helwyr puffed at the blunt vigorously to stoke its ember. “Tomorrow, I find the moose, and I finish what I started all those years ago. I pay him back, like Lieutenant Axolotl said, with interest, yo.”

  His men were on their feet, hooting and growling, their weapons raised high. Even Shmek, who seemed disloyal a few minutes ago, was frothing at the mouth with admiration.

  “What do you say, Captain Hong? Instead of being enemies—and doing foolish things like plotting escapes behind each other’s backs—why not join me?” Helwyr leaned in and smiled. “Help me fulfill my destiny, and I’ll help you fulfill yours.”

  Helwyr stood and walked to Charlie, Axolotl, and Swarm. “Crew of the Starseed, brothers of the cosmos, I’m sorry if I’ve mistreated you. Getting to this place, to this rock,” he motioned to the large boulder jutting up out of the ground, “has been my goal for decades. Finally, after everything I’ve sacrificed—my royal blood, my title, my ship—I’ll finally be able to make peace. Will you help me?”

  “Peace isn’t what you seek,” rattled Swarm, not bothering to look up, “and peace isn’t what’s waiting for you tomorrow.”

  The smile melted from Helwyr’s face.

  Charlie raised his eyebrows and cringed. Oooooh shit. This ain’t the time nor place for Bugbrain to have another morphic meltdown.

  Swarm got to his feet. “Doesn’t matter if you still have one good eye. Wouldn’t matter if you had two. Your blind ambition is what slayed your master, and that same recklessness might get us killed tomorrow. From what I’ve gathered, two of your men are expecting some new arrivals soon. I bet the other two have something worth living for back on the Starseed, too.” He leaned around Helwyr and made eye contact with the other Felonians. “A real captain, one who deserved loyalty, wouldn’t ask you to risk all that for a dumb trophy.”

  “You’re dead, flea.” A makeshift knife spun in Helwyr’s hand. “Your guts will roast on the fire as a sacrifice to Leonid, the Great Hunter.”

  “Show them your honor, your path to peace!” Swarm roared. “Kill me, and let Captain Hong leave you and your kin on the first rock he finds. Or maybe he’ll just hand all of you over to the Reptilians. They consider small felines a delicacy, after all. I’m sure your cubs will make great bargaining chips.”

  Swarm had struck a chord. Instead of unleashing his fury, the elder Felonian glanced over his shoulder at his companions. They stood with their weapons in hand, ready to strike.

  Rhys, his bow drawn, caught Helwyr’s eyes with his own. As Charlie counted the seconds ticking away, it slowly dawned on him what was happening. Helwyr was trying to figure out whether his star pupil was poised to assist him, or stop him.

  At last, Helwyr decided against testing their loyalty. He flung his blade into the fire, kicking a flurry of glowing embers into the air, then leapt off into the shadows.

  For minutes, no one moved. The Felonians held their position, weapons drawn. Axo stared into the fire. Swarm stood panting.

  “Well, that was a bit awkward, eh guys?” Charlie slid a fresh blunt from his case. “At least the asshole had enough courtesy to storm off with the rest of the blunt.”

  12

  “Uh, Zee, any chance you can drop what you’re doing and meet me in the toking bay?” Del huffed and puffed into the Chatter pinned to his chest as he raced down a corridor. “There’ve been, uh, some developments on Vos Praeda that I think we need to take a closer look at.”

  Calculating the time it would take an object to travel from point A to point B was something Del excelled at. Figuring out how long it might take an organism to reach a destination on the Starseed was something he thoroughly enjoyed. Charting a course through hyperspace, navigating around Reptilian blockades, careening the ship through the vacuum of space—those things could almost bring a smile to his thin blue lips.

  But the act of self-propelling his own meatbag through spacetime, what others called ‘running’, was something he preferred to avoid at all costs.

  Del hadn’t stepped foot off the Starseed in years. The crew always found a reason for him to hang back while they blasted off on some foolhardy space adventure. Stuck behind the safety of his console, his contribution usually came in the form of logistical support, which meant a lot of tapping and flicking and swiping—stuff he was good at. But after what he’d just discovered, punching buttons on a screen wasn’t going to cut it.

  The morning had started off much like the previous day. His repeater drones fizzled in the unstable Vos Praedean ionosphere, so communication with the crew’s Chatters was still impossible. Every so often his screen lit up with reports of another slain beast being auto-toked, which he took as proof that the hunting party was doing okay.

  Then, as he was debating whether to morph his lunch on the Bridge, or to venture into the Ring for a quick bite—and maybe peek into Nylf’s Arcade, see if he could catch a glimpse of Cassandra—his console began flashing like a firetruck.

  The lights reported a surge of traffic in the toking bay: a couple headless vrills, some mangled canipedes, and a stream of dead pitgrubs. But the dead Vos Praedean fauna wasn’t what had him racing through the Circuit. Sensors began reporting that extraterrestrial organic matter—stuff not originating from Vos Praeda—was being auto-toked back to the Starseed.

  The sensors are wrong, he’d told himself. Must be a malfunction. I’ll just stroll over to the toking bay, verify the anomaly, analyze its root cause, and fix it.

  Just like I always do.

  “Did the moose arrive?” Zylvya’s voice came through the Chatter. “Any chance you’ve heard from the guys yet? Any luck with the drones?”

  “The answer is, uh, ‘no’ to all questions.” He paused to gulp down some air. “No moose, no guys, and no luck.”

  “Listen, I’d love to join you, but I’m in the middle of an experiment right now. Let me know if you find anything interesting. I may have some time later—”

  “Duh, would I bug you if I hadn’t found something interesting? I really think you should meet me there, Zee. Hopefully the sensors are just, uh, busted or something. But if not…well, you should be there.”

  “You sound out of breath. Wait, are you running? I thought you said you had a fatal allergy to running?”

  “Very funny. Meet me there, okay?” He stopped and leaned against the green marble walls of the corridor to catch his breath. “Or, just do whatever you want. What do I know, anyway?”

  “I’ll meet you there, Del.”

  He brushed the
sweaty black hair from his eyes and glanced at the portable console he wore on his forearm. More lights blinked on.

  Shit, there’s no time for regulations.

  “Mother, you there?”

  “Yes, I’m right here. You feelin’ alright, darlin’? Your heart rate is much higher than normal, and your adrenaline levels are quite elevated.”

  “I’m, uh, fine,” he said as he tapped furiously onto his forearm. “I’m overriding the daily exercise protocols and initiating an emergency toke sequence. Please don’t override my override, okay? I need to get to the toking bay right away.”

  “Well now, honey, just wait a minute. I don’t know about that. The daily exercise protocol exists for the health and well-being of all Seeders. If we keep making exceptions, then before you know it the Starseed will be overflowin’ with all kinds of diseased lifeforms. I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to—”

  “Sorry, but while you were talking, I, uh, overrode your ability to override my authority to override. I’m toking myself and Zee to the toking bay in three…two…”

  “Oh darlin’, you know she hates being toked against her will!”

  “…one.”

  Del’s body evaporated into a wisp of green vapor that elongated and bulleted down the corridor. Ten seconds later, his molecules condensed back into the form of a raven-haired, gray-skinned teenaged boy wearing a bodysuit covered in wires.

  Another cloud of vapor streaked into the room and floated beside him. The vapor condensed into a tall woman in an orange toga, her emerald eyebrows furrowed and her fists on her hips.

  “Dammit, Del! You, better than anyone, know that toking others without their consent is not allowed! What if I’d been going to the bathroom? What if I was doing private, womanly things?”

  He blushed. “Uh, were you going to the bathroom? Or doing, you know, womanly things?”

  “Obviously not! But that’s not the point!” Zylvya tilted her head to the domed ceiling. “Mother, are you just going to allow Del to break the rules like that?”

  “Honey, he overrode me with an encrypted quantum algorithm. I’ve just about figured it out, and when I do, I’ll have a few words with him about—”

  “Okay, fine!” Del interrupted. “Be mad at me later. I don’t care. But right now, take a look at this.” He swept his hand across the piles of dead organisms strewn across the toking bay floor.

  “Yeah, Del, looks like the boys are having a plentiful killing spree. Did you toke me all the way down here just to gross me out?”

  He flicked his armband console and a holographic pie chart blinked to life above it.

  “This represents all the organic matter being toked from Vos Praeda. As you can see, the large slices consist of vrills and canipedes. But see this line?” He reverse-pinched the hologram and the pie chart enlarged. “I thought it was, uh, just a blip. A visual artifact or something. But as you can see, when I zoom in, it’s—”

  “Felonian.” She shrugged. “So the big, bad hunters got wounded, maybe lost a toe or something. Who cares?”

  “Duh, Zee, look at the timestamp. That chart was from thirty minutes ago. Here’s the current dataset.” The hologram shimmered, and the nearly imperceptible line became three substantial slivers. As Zylvya stood studying the chart, Del stepped over a dead canipede, pulled open its mouth, and shoved his hand inside.

  “Those two new lines, they represent what?” Zylvya asked.

  “Oh dear…” Mother said. “Swarm and Axolotl!”

  “Okay.’ Zylvya pulled a joint from her hair, ignited it with a thought, and took a long drag. “This is the part where you ramble about how this is just some kind of anomaly…”

  “Sorry, but, uh, I’m pretty sure it’s not a mistake. I had to come here to find out for sure.” His arm disappeared into the frozen snarl of another canipede and, after rummaging around for a bit, pulled out a morsel of furry, blue flesh. He scanned it with his armband. “Yep. Confirmed Felonian. As for the others…”

  Del ran past Zylvya and dove into a mound of oozing pitgrubs. He emerged with a handful of tiny crimson bugs and a frown. “Swarm’s meetles. Not many of them, but every minute more arrive. I think Axo’s parts are in the pitgrubss bellies—but I’m done checking. The crew’s in trouble, Zee.” He wiped his hand on his stomach. “May I please have a hit?”

  “Dammit, Del! When’ll you learn that you don’t ask for a hit? Just snatch the damn thing from my hand, like everyone else does.”

  Just then, a small hole appeared in the floor. A large cloud of vapor slurped into the room, swirled twice through the air, and condensed into a familiar body.

  “Shit, Zee! That’s not good!” Del cried. “What are we gonna do?”

  “There’s only one thing to do,” she said through a mouthful of smoke. “I’m gonna have to go rescue those dumb motherfuckers.”

  13

  Charlie’s body stung where a few loose rocks had somehow shimmied underneath him during the night. His mouth was dry and his head stuffed full of cotton. The viscous meat from the night before rolled around inside his belly like a brick in a tumble-dryer.

  Refusing to get up and face another day on Vos Praeda, he cradled Zylvya’s staff and listened. Trees rustled and creaked in the breeze. Somewhere in the distance he heard the bone-scraping shriek of vrills fighting over a poor critter who’d become their breakfast. Closer, he heard a rough, rhythmic sound like sandpaper being rubbed against shag carpet.

  Finally, curiosity—and more than a hint of self-preservation—got the better of him. Charlie grunted, propped himself on his elbows, and took a look around. Ribbons of dawn cut through the thinning canopy and stretched overhead like electric clotheslines. Although the previous night’s campfire had disappeared under a mound of dirt, its smoky ghost still clung to his clothes. The gang must have been off in the forest draining their bladders, because the campsite was empty—except for the eight-limbed, two-tailed, blue monster that sat grooming itself in the short grass.

  The sleepy-eyed stoner rubbed the grit from his eyes and squinted at the beast. He sighed with relief when he realized it wasn’t a new kind of Vos Praedean predator come to eat him. It was just two Felonians huddled together so closely he’d mistaken them for a single, enormous, cat-octopus monster.

  After the shit I’ve seen the past few days, an enormous cat-octopus monster wouldn’t surprise me.

  Rhys licked his paw, rubbed it hard against his face and neck, and then started the whole process over again. Shmek sat behind him, running his tongue in long streaks down the other’s back fur. Lick by lick, purr by purr, they were sharing a tongue bath.

  Charlie cleared his throat. “Should I go for a walk or something?”

  “Mind your business, ape!” Shmek peeked around his brother and hissed.

  “Hey, I’m not judging. I think it’s cool that a couple tough dudes can be totally comfortable, ya know, licking each other all over. Very progressive, man.”

  “You think so? Good,” Rhys said. “Because when we’re done, you’re next.”

  Charlie was on his feet. He twirled the staff clumsily around his waist, over his shoulder—barely keeping a grip on it—then struck a defensive Bruce Lee pose. “Come near me with those nasty mouth sponges and I’ll be forced to break some fangs!”

  “Try it, and I’ll snap your little stick in half,” Rhys said, nuzzling his wrist.

  Shmek stood, wiped his mouth, and pointed his makeshift knife at Charlie. “Never bring a stick to a knife fight.”

  Charlie took a couple steps backward and scanned the clearing. There was no sign of Swarm, Axolotl, or the other Felonians.

  “Okay, assholes, no more games. Where’s everyone else?”

  A heavy paw rested on his shoulder. “Your Lieutenants fled in the night, Captain. I sent Fyz and Nipzi to collect them, since they were the ones who let them slip away.”

  “They fled?” Charlie shrugged off the hand and spun around. Helwyr was standing there, a disapproving look on
his face. The blood vessels in his good eye were inflamed, and his mane was unkempt and slightly matted.

  “Yes. They snuck away, presumably back to our landing site.”

  “No fucking way. Wait, dude—you’re back?”

  “I never left,” Helwyr said. “A captain never abandons his crew. Although it appears that sometimes,” his whiskers cocked upward over a haughty smirk, “a crew may abandon their captain.”

  “No way, man. I don’t buy it. Those guys wouldn’t leave me behind.” Charlie ran a hand through his afro. “You fuckers did something to them. If you hurt them in any way, man, I’ll… I’ll…”

  “You’ll what, ape?” With a flick of his paw, Helwyr pushed him back hard. “You’re in no position to make threats. Besides, are you really going to fight the three of us for a couple of mutinous space vermin? They left you, Captain! Put them behind you, as they put you behind them. We have a very busy day ahead of us, and no time for distractions.”

  Charlie paced and wrung the staff in his hands.

  Okay, Swarm is definitely an asshole. But he’s a loyal asshole. He’d sooner knock me out and drag me away than leave me behind.

  And Axo? That dude would chop off his tail before he’d ever leave a friend behind.

  I am his friend, right?

  Dammit, Charlie. Ignoring his advice. Dragging him to this hell hole. Poking fun of his verbal tics. Always cutting him off when he’s speaking.

  Shit. You sure as hell haven’t been acting like a friend.

  “Okay, fine. Whatever. You said it yourself. ‘A captain never abandons his crew’. Even if they are mutinous space vermin, they could be in trouble. Fuck you and your stupid fuckin’ quest—I’m going after them.”

  Charlie darted toward the forest, but slammed into Rhys’s furry blue chest. He did a quick 180, took a few steps in the opposite direction, and skidding to a halt in front of Shmek’s diabolical grin.

  “Ready for your tongue bath, ape?” Shmek said, then ran his coarse tongue across his snarling lips.