For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

  But not without a price.

  Everything she’d said and done, all her promises and lies and jiggles—even whatever deal she’d struck with Helwyr—was designed to get her hands on a tiny flower with electric blue petals and a gnarled black stem.

  Was she really willing to trade their lives for a stupid flower?

  What a conniving, evil bitch!

  Charlie's face went numb. He struggled against the guilt that tightened around his throat.

  It was easy to judge Nadia and Helwyr. After all, their objectives were trivial and selfish. Sure, maybe Charlie had played a small part, but at least his goal was noble.

  Would Kirk have made such lame excuses?

  Would Picard have passed the buck?

  Charlie faced the fact that he’d made the same gamble as Nadia and Helwyr. He’d risked the lives of his crew—and the hearts of their loved ones—for the object of his desire: a stupid data disc.

  Even if that stupid data meant he could finish the weapon, defeat the Reptilians, and save Earth—was it his place to trade one set of lives for another?

  “Dude, I’m gonna be sick!” Charlie cried as he pushed off of Helwyr’s shoulder. “I’m serious, man! Put me down or I’m gonna hurl all over you!”

  The crazed Felonian grunted and shrugged Charlie onto a rocky plateau.

  “I believe he’s still climbing, but his scent has grown thin. I need a moment to find it again,” Helwyr said. He cocked his head up at the peak and sniffed. “Do your business over the ledge, but be careful not to slip.”

  He leapt onto a boulder and waved his tail excitedly. Without turning around to face Charlie, he added, “And if you try running, I’ll put an arrow in your leg.”

  Charlie gripped his staff and retched. Through watery eyes he watched the chunky blob of yellowish vomit plunge into the river that ran along the base of the cliff. When he was done, his eyes fell to the rivet engraved with the Chatter symbol. It was just an inch from his thumb.

  She needs to know how sorry I am. If it’s the last thing I do, I need to tell her she was right about everything.

  He pushed the rivet. There was a short burst of static, then a low hum. He leaned into the staff and whispered, “Zee? Del? Anyone on the Starseed? Can you hear me?”

  Zylvya's voice exploded from the staff. “Charlie! I’m here! I—”

  “Shhh, keep it down! He’ll hear you!”

  “What do you mean, he’ll hear me?” she said in a low voice, although to Charlie it still seemed way too loud. “What’s happening down there? Where are you guys?”

  Charlie gazed down at the raging water and sighed. “Look, we only have a minute, and I have something I need to tell you. I’m sorry, Zee. For everything. If I’d listened to you, none of this would’ve happened.”

  “Very touching, but can we save the therapy for later? Right now, all I care about is getting you boneheads off that rock before things get worse.”

  “That's what I'm trying to tell you, man. I’m not sure things could get any worse. Helwyr went apeshit and torched all our gear, the Chatters, the pod—everything. I thought we’d be okay if we just went along with his madness till he got his damn moose, but now…” Charlie trailed off, unable to say the words. He sighed, scrunched up his face, and forced them out.

  “Everyone’s dead. Swarm, Axo, all of Helwyr’s men. The only ones left are that crazy asshole and me. I’d bet all the weed in Amsterdam that as soon as he confirms a rescue ship is on its way, he’s gonna feed my ass to the pitgrubs.”

  “Charlie, what the hell are you talking about? Del and I have logged four casualties, all Felonian. Swarm and Axo are still down there—well, most of them, anyway. If they’re not with you, where are they?”

  Charlie popped his head up and scanned the endless forest that surrounded the mountains. If Swarm and Axolotl’s corpses hadn’t toked back to the Starseed, that meant they were still alive. They were out there right now—defenseless, lost, and if Charlie understood Zylvya correctly, wounded.

  “Shit, we're losing our signal to ionic interference,” she said. “Listen, I'm in a pod and I’ve plotted a safe course through the ionosphere. The bad news is that it's hundreds of miles away from your landing site. It'll be a few hours till I get there.”

  Charlie was on his feet. “Swarm mentioned something about returning to the burned-out transit pod. You should go straight to the landing site and pick them up.”

  “Galactic regs state that all rescue efforts should first be directed at known survivors. Plus, you outrank them. I'm coming to get you first.”

  “No way, man! At the risk of sounding like a bossy asshole, I order you to pick them up first.”

  “For all we know they could be—” her voice blinked out, then returned, “—or dying. Don't be stupid, Charlie! Helwyr is as much a threat as—” It cut out again.

  Charlie pressed his mouth against the staff and whispered loudly, “I'm the captain! Follow my damn orders!”

  “Either you’ve finally lost your mind, Captain Hong, and you’re babbling to yourself—” Charlie whirled around just in time to see Helwyr hop down from a boulder and draw his knife. “—Or you’ve been hiding another one of your infernal gadgets.”

  “No, I was, uh, just thinking out loud, man. A lot’s happened today. I’m just trying to sort it all out.”

  “Is that so?” Helwyr growled, taking a step forward. “Because I could have sworn I heard a second voice. A female voice.”

  “Okay, okay!” Charlie held the staff up in a defensive posture. “Enough with the bullshit. Put the knife down and listen to me for a second.”

  Helwyr sheathed the knife and pulled his axe from his loincloth.

  “Not exactly what I meant, but, uh, I guess it’ll do for now. Look, we’re both assholes for dragging our friends to this place. We did the exact opposite of what you told me a captain should do—we put our desires above our crew’s well-being. But, dude, it’s not too late to do the right thing! Zylvya just told me that Swarm and Axolotl are still alive! They’re out there somewhere. We can go help them! What do you say, man? It’s time to turn this around, make it right. Let’s earn the title of captain—together.”

  “I appreciate your honesty, Captain. You make some good points. But now it’s my turn to drop the bullshit.” He took another step toward Charlie. “I ordered my men to drug your crew, slit their throats, and dispose of their bodies. If those mongrels failed to kill such easy prey, then they deserve whatever fate the Vos Praedean forest has dished up for them.”

  Charlie tried to take another step backward, but he was all out of cliff.

  “Where are you trying to go, Captain? I have more truth to share with you! I’m not sure how you managed to kill Captain Major Tom and usurp his title, but I guess that ship has sailed. You may have everyone else fooled, but not me. I see you for what you really are—a cowardly ape hiding behind bad jokes and mediocre cannabis.”

  “Bad jokes?” Charlie was so appalled he could barely speak. “Mediocre cannabis?! You wouldn’t know good weed from moose scat, dude!”

  Helwyr grinned, revealing two long canine teeth. “We both know you’re not cut out to be the captain of a rusted-out asteroid hauler, let alone a ship as important as the Starseed. In fact, if you ever want to see your precious ship again, then you should listen carefully to my offer. No one has to know what really happened down here. The tragedy of losing our men will only serve to amplify our glory. Think about it! You and I can return to the Starseed as galactic heroes! We’ll be legends!” He sliced his blade through the air and aimed it toward the apex of the mountain. “My prize, my destiny, my eternal glory, is finally within my grasp! I’m offering you a piece of that glory.”

  Helwyr took another step. He was still a good twenty feet away, but Charlie had seen him become a blue blur too many times to underestimate his reach.

  “So what will it be, Captain Hong? Join me and return to the Starseed as champions, or force me to gut you and leave you f
or the vrills?”

  Charlie’s heels hung over the edge of the cliff. His legs burned, his back ached. The narrow plateau offered him no room to dart around the axe-wielding feline. Not that he’d be able to outrun the bastard—or the bastard’s flying axe.

  If he took the sensible path, the nightmare would be over soon. He imagined himself falling onto the clean, pillowy bed that awaited him back in his quarters. A steamy rice bowl saturated with soy sauce on one nightstand, and Big Willie, its glass bowl filled to the brim with Golden Ticket on the other. He smelled the salty breeze blowing in through the french doors.

  Then, as if his conscience were screaming at him through the fantasy, he heard a choir of tiny, wet giggles coming from just outside those french doors.

  Charlie squinted at the big blue asshole.

  I’m sure Kirk or Picard would find a better way out of this mess.

  To hell with them.

  This is how Captain Hong does things.

  “The way I see it, I have three options.” Charlie held up three fingers. “One is to try to kick your ass, but end up getting murdered. For personal reasons, I don’t really like that option.” He lowered his ring finger.

  “My second option is to go along with your story. You’re right, there’d be no one left to contradict us. We’d be heroes, man. Unfortunately, I don’t think my little ape brain is capable of juggling that many lies at once. That leaves me with just one more option.” He dropped his pointer finger and smiled.

  “Even if you catch your dumb moose, your glory dies with us here on Vos Praeda. No one will ever know, dipshit—because neither one of us is getting off this rock.”

  Helwyr crouched, holding his axe at the ready.

  “See ya in hell, dude.”

  Charlie stepped backward.

  For just a split second, he felt the exhilaration of falling into gravity’s hands. Then, with a jolt, he snapped to a halt.

  Helwyr’s face peeked over the edge of the cliff, one sinewy blue arm clutching the staff. Charlie dangled helplessly from the other end.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t eviscerate you just yet. I’ll be a good sport and give you a head start.” He lifted the staff so they were face to face. “Just know that the next time we see each other, I’ll rip your heart out with my bare hands and devour it while it’s still warm.”

  Helwyr swung the axe.

  There was a sharp crack, and suddenly Charlie was falling again.

  18

  “YOWCH! Take it easy back there!” Axo yelled over his shoulder as he ran full speed through the trees.

  “Save your breath, Squishy,” Swarm said, clinging to a bundle of soggy, purple dreadlocks. “Pump every available molecule of oxygen into those glorious gams of yours.”

  “That’s not hair you’re yanking—they’re external gills! I breathe through them, yo!”

  Swarm scooted himself higher, then let go of the locks and slung an arm over Axolotl’s shoulder. He ran his other arm through a swampy armpit and grasped his claws together across his crewmate’s chest like a seatbelt.

  “That okay?” rattled Swarm. “I’d hold on more gently—or even better, I’d run all by myself—but in case you’ve forgotten, I’m a little short on limbs right now.”

  “How could I forget, Bugbrain? You can’t go five minutes without mentioning it.”

  Swarm grunted and tightened his grip. How the smeg could Squishy know what it felt like to suddenly lose half your mass? Sure, the little guy had dropped his tail. And, it’s true, that Felonian asshole had lopped off a few feet of tongue. But those parts were trivial compared to what Swarm had been forced to give up.

  Since the morphic disturbance back on the Starseed—the dumb ape’s fault—he’d only been able to enjoy being a complete insectoid for less than 72 hours. Four arms, two legs, two wings, three main body segments. But in order to reduce his weight as much as possible, he’d had to dissolve himself into a helpless freak of nature. After shedding thousands of meetles, all that was left was his thorax, his upper pair of arms, and his head.

  Being half the man he used to be was difficult, but he was glad Axolotl had forced his hand. As much as it sucked being little more than a sentient backpack, he couldn’t deny that it beat being devoured alive by pitgrubs.

  They managed to escape death—at least for a little while—but being a morphic entity meant that Swarm hadn’t escaped the pain.

  After they’d cleared the rim, taking the repulsor with them, an epic battle of miniature proportions erupted in the pit. Thousands of tiny crimson meetles clashed with thousands of glowing grubs. The psychic bond between his collective self and his meetles extended for miles. Every time one of their little legs was chewed off, he felt it. Every time one of them was bitten in half, he felt it. He felt his head being detached, his exoskeleton popping apart, his guts being slurped down into plump bellies. He felt pinholes of himself blink out of existence again and again and again.

  Yet there he was, clinging to Axolotl’s back. Eventually the battle ended, and the thousand invisible threads that fed pain into his psyche were severed.

  He sighed and loosened his grip. “We’re almost there, Squishy. I’m sure the pod is just up ahead.”

  “You’ve been saying that for hours, yo,” Axo said, sucking down air. “I don’t think I can go on much longer. I can’t feel my legs. If we don’t find shelter soon—”

  His foot snagged on a root and sent them toppling forward. Swarm lost his grip, flew through the air, and landed on his back.

  The canopy above them shook. An ear-piercing screech cut through the branches, followed by a trio of oily shadows.

  “Incoming!” Swarm elbowed against the dirt, but couldn’t manage to flip himself over. “Squishy, I’m outside the repulsor's range!”

  A split second before the vrill reached the flailing half-insectoid, Axo rolled across the fallen leaves and knelt beside him. The three demonic birds rustled their greasy feathers, stretched open their cracked, raw mouths, and shrieked a series of complaints. After realizing their dinner would have to wait, the trio took off, but rather than disappear back into the canopy they settled on a nearby branch.

  “Thanks, Squishy.” Swarm focused his compound eyes on the repulsor in Axo’s hand. Its cracked orb barely seemed to glow at all.

  Guess that explains the freak show on our trail.

  Smegging hell!

  Even if we actually knew where the pod was, that thing might not have enough juice left to get us there.

  “We’re close,” Swarm lied. “Let’s rest for a minute before we tackle the last leg of the hike.”

  Axo took a deep breath and hopped to his feet. “No rest for me till I’m back with Sally and the wogs,” he said, reaching for his toes, then for the sky. After performing a few more hurried stretches, he jogged in place. “You ready, Bugbrain?”

  Swarm felt a surge of hope. Squishy might only be a cartilaginous amphibian with permeable skin, but his heart was tougher than any beast on Vos Praeda.

  Let’s hope his lungs—or external gills, or whatever—are as tough his heart.

  He took Axo’s hand, scrambled up his tie-dyed t-shirt, and pushed aside his purple dreadlocks.

  Axolotl sped through the forest toward the sunset, only deviating to circumnavigate known signs of danger: tree trunks wrapped in large black flowers, small clearings blanketed with dead leaves, or the slightest motion or sound.

  Before long, the trees grew shorter and sparser. There seemed to be fewer exposed roots to leap over.

  At last, they burst through the edge of the forest into a sprawling meadow.

  “You did it, Squishy!” Swarm cheered. “If we follow the border where the forest and the grass meet, we should eventually find our landing site.”

  Axo hunched over, gasping for air. “Do we…turn left…or right?”

  “Hmmm,” Swarm swiveled his head. “The mountains are behind us, and the sun set directly ahead—which means we’re still facing west. The stars a
re beginning to show, so if we used them to get our bearing, we should be able to orient ourselves to—”

  A chorus of guttural howls cut him off. To their right, rows of snarling teeth slipped through the tall blades of golden grass, followed by dozens of twinkling, hungry eyes.

  “On second thought, forget all that. Let’s take their advice and go left,” Swarm said.

  Axo pivoted southward and took off at full speed, his heart pounding beneath his faded, sweat-soaked shirt. As they rounded an outcropping of small trees, Swarm’s antennae detected something both exhilarating and tragic.

  “I detect ash! Just a little bit farther, Squishy!”

  He tried to resist looking back, hoping that the army of beasts pursuing them might grow tired of the chase and give up. After a few minutes of shrieking and barking, Swarm finally glanced over his shoulder.

  No more than a couple of yards behind them skittered a pack of large canipedes. In the air flapped a trio of vrill. He peeked at the repulsor in Axo’s hand. It’s glow was barely visible.

  “My legs…” Axo sucked in air. “Can’t take…much…more…”

  Swarm pointed his antennae at the domed silhouette that lay ahead. “Its right up there! You can do it!”

  The blackened half shell barely resembled the green seed-shaped vessel they’d landed in. As they got closer, it became clear that not only was the pod no longer space-worthy, it looked like it might crumble at the slightest touch.

  Swarm set his chin on Axolotl’s shoulder. “Don’t hesitate or stop. Keep running full speed ahead, right at the pod.”

  “You want me to run into it? Are you crazy, yo?”

  “If there’s any life left in the old gal, she’ll open up and let us inside. If not…well, hopefully we’ll be knocked unconscious and we won’t feel the canipedes rip out our throats.”

  Axolotl grunted and lowered his head. They lurched forward as he engaged in one final burst of speed.

  Everything went pitch black.

  A split second later, the star-dappled sky reappeared.

  “You ran right through it!” Swarm shouted. “We’re on the far side of the pod! Turn around, Squishy, turn around!”