Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children
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* Never refer to yourself in third person; when talking to your child use ‘I’, not ‘Mummy/Daddy’.
* Never shout, smack or fly into a tantrum – you will set a bad example and one that will be followed by your child. Remain calm when dealing with negative behaviour, and if necessary take time out to calm down.
* Remember it is the behaviour that is at fault and not the child – ‘That was a silly thing to do.’ However, praise the child personally for positive behaviour – ‘Well done, Tom. How sensible of you.’
* Don’t avoid disciplining your child because you don’t want to be in his or her bad books. Being disliked by our children sometimes is part of parenting, so don’t take it personally.
* Be sensitive to any factors that might be affecting your child’s behaviour, but do not let those factors become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.
* Treat all siblings equally and fairly, and never make comparisons between one child and another, regarding either their failings or their achievements.
* Make full use of the closed choice for gaining your child’s cooperation.
* Be on the lookout for hidden worries. If your child’s behaviour dramatically deteriorates, investigate.
* Teach your child respect for others and property, both within the family and the community at large. Respect is the backbone of all societies; without it lawlessness and anarchy result.
* Spend quality time with your son or daughter whatever their age, and make sure your child has ‘free’ time when he or she amuses themselves.
* Respect your child’s right to privacy, particularly with the older child, as he or she must respect yours.
* Don’t criticise, satirise or make fun of your child; many adults can’t cope with being laughed at, and your child won’t be able to.
* Give your child age-appropriate responsibility for looking after his or her own needs, as well as their own decision making, but not so much that they feel overburdened or anxious.
* Keep the lines of communication open by talking to your child, teen or young adult, as well as actively listening. Take their views seriously, although you don’t need to agree with them.
* Give your child a good diet with plenty of fresh food. Children need to eat regularly and have plenty of fluids. If your child has a behavioural problem, pay particular attention to additives.
* Make sure your child has enough sleep; a tired child is a fractious one.
Index
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acting parents 162–72
and acceptable behaviour 166
and known behavioural difficulties 167
long stays/permanent 168–72
regular stays 166–7
routine and boundaries 163–5
activity overload 85–7
adopted children 168–72
attachment disorder 212–13
alcohol 242–4
allura red (E129) 196
Asperger’s syndrome 206–9
attachment disorder 212–14
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) 202, 204–6, 210, 212
and diet 195, 196, 197–8, 199, 200
attitude 224–5
autistic spectrum disorders 206–9
autonomy 45–6
B vitamins 198
babies (0–1 year) 1–8
in day care 185–7
daytime routine 6–8
sleep 2–3
3Rs 3–4, 7
what not to do at night 4–6
bad behaviour, not bad child 54, 268
bad language
pre-teens and early teens 226
starting school 68–70
behavioural disorders 210–12
bereavement 93–6
Beslan school siege 104
‘big fish’ (9–11 years) 77–90
activity overload 85–7
children comparing parents 78–9
disciplining child’s friends 89–90
don’t compare your child 83–4
parental peer pressure 85
safety/independence balance 80–3
3Rs 82–3, 87–8, 89
bipolar disorder 212
blackmail by children 15, 133
board games 62
body language (non-verbal communication) 21–2, 134–5
boundaries 10, 72, 126, 268
acting parents 163–5
during bereavement 94–5
Boxing Day tsunami 104
bullying 70–1
caffeine 200
carmoisine (E122) 196
cause and effect 73–4, 267
celibacy 252
character 45–8
cheating 62–3
childminders 189
closed choice 32–5, 269
reforming siblings 148
in school 179
comparison
of children by parents 83–4, 108, 269
of parents by children 78–9
computers see television/computer sanctions
Conduct Disorder 210–12
consistency 19–20
control 22–6, 268
and bullying 71
maintaining with difficult children 134–43
parent/child balance 24–6, 48
regaining with difficult children 114–15
crime 52, 111
crying 2–3
Request, Repeat, Reassure 3–4
to sleep 5–6
decision-making 25–6
denial 74–7
diet 193–201, 205, 211, 269–70
difficult children 111–51
addressing key issues 115–16
allowing extra time 125
being demanding 127–8
blackmail 133
body language 134–5
confrontation 121–3
family meeting 117–18
family norm 141–2
food 139–40
impudence 128–9
interrupting and talking over 129–30
maintaining control 134–43
no excuses 142–3
parent leads 136
parent’s chair 136–7
parent’s conversation 139
parent’s phone 138
politeness 126–7
progress 125–6
quality time 123–4
reforming siblings 143–51
regaining control 114–15
routine 116–17
rudeness and aggression 127
selfishness 130–1
signs of 112–15
stepchildren 158–9
3Rs 116, 118–21, 135
throwing things 132–3
turning around 32, 56, 88, 111–33
zero tolerance 115
divorce or separation 96–8
Father Christmas syndrome 97–8
drug abuse 242–3, 245–7
dysfunctional families 55–6
E for additives (Hanssen) 194
emotional abuse 53
excusing child’s behaviour 142–3
facts of life 69, 248
family meetings
difficult children 117–18
reforming siblings 144–6, 150
stepfamilies 158
family norm 141–2
family time 110
teens 220–1
fighting (siblings) 149–50
fluids 201
food 139–40 see also diet
food additives 194–7
foster children
absence of respect 51–2
attachment disorder 212–13
autism 209
bad language 68
disregard for consequences 73
‘honeymoon period’ 167, 168–9
ignorance of acceptable behaviour 55–6
impact of moving in
to care 99–100
initial aloofness with difficult children 177
left to cry as babies 5
promiscuity 251–2
regression 42–3
role of family members 171–2
sanctions 31–2
school discipline 182
smacking banned 11
special needs diagnoses 203, 204–6
taking adult’s chair 137
talking over 130
tantrums 16–17
throwing things 132–3
turning around 32, 56, 88, 112, 137
see also acting parents
friends (children’s), disciplining 89–90
friends (parent’s), looking after children 190–1
heroin 247
homosexuality 252
house rules 267
differences between families 78–9, 80
reforming siblings 144
teens 230–1
young adults 256
humour 63
imitation 8–9
impudence 128–9
individuality 46, 78
interrupting and talking over 129–30
iron 198
leading (parent first) 136
liberal attitudes 111–12, 181
magnesium 197–8
material possessions 67
mobile phones 67
Monopoly 62
moving house 99–103
Mr Nobody syndrome 73
nannies 191–2
naughty chair 27–8
neglect, unintentional 53
9/11 104
non-verbal communication see body language
nursery 37–8
children’s anxieties 43–5
nursery staff 184–8
older teens (15–18 years) 237–52
peer groups influence 239–42
sex and relationships 248–52
smoking, alcohol and drug abuse 242–7
omega-3 oils 198–9, 211
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) 210–12
and tartrazine 196
parental attention 53
parental peer pressure 85
parent’s chair 136–7
parent’s conversation 139
parent’s phone 138
peer group influence
older teens 239–42
school 66–7, 78
pets, death of 95–6
play 61–3
teamwork and cooperation 71
playfulness 63
politeness 50
difficult children 126–7
ponceau (E124) 197
positive expectations 20–2, 268
teachers 176
praise 30, 54, 73, 84, 268
and 3Rs 13–14, 48, 179
reforming siblings 147, 150
teens 219, 225, 235
precocious children 47–8
pregnancy, teenage 251, 252
pre-teens and early teens (11–15 years) 215–37
attitude 224–5
bad language 226
bedrooms 229–30
communication 219
don’t criticise 219–20
don’t take it personally 223
don’t tease 222
family time 220–1
give responsibility 221
golden rules 218–24
guide 220
hear their views 218–19
house rules 230–1
image 227
praise 219
privacy 218
rewards 235
safety 221–2
sanctions 233–5
3Rs 220, 223–4, 225, 228–9, 235–6
truancy 231–3
unwelcome habits 228–9
preschool staff 184–8
preschoolers see rising fives
presence 174
privacy 218, 269
puberty 215
quality time 53, 269
difficult children 123–4
young adults 262–3
quiet time see time out
quinoline yellow (E104) 196
reasonableness 22–4, 26
redundancy 98–9
regression
older children 42–3
preschoolers 41–2
relatives looking after children 190–1
respect 49–53, 269
children and teachers 183–4
‘respite’ fostering 165, 205–6
responsibility 269
for bad behaviour 74–7
siblings 108, 147–8
teens 221
restraining 60
reverse psychology 17
rewards 30
reforming siblings 146
teens 235
toddlers 15–16
rising fives/preschoolers (3–5 years) 36–48
behaviour and character 45–8
morning routine 38–40
nursery 37–8
nursery anxieties 43–5
regression 41–3
Ritalin 204
role playing 61–2
routine 1, 2, 267
acting parents 163–5
babies’ daytime 6–8
children with autism/Asperger’s 207–8
in day care 185–6
difficult children 116–17
during bereavement 94–5
preschoolers’ morning 38–40
reforming siblings 144
rudeness and aggression 127
safety
balance with independence 80–3
teens 221–2
salt 201
sanctions 31–2
difficult children 123
teens 233–5
school see big fish; starting school; teachers; truancy
‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ 21, 176
selfishness 130–1
separation anxiety 164, 172
sex and relationships 248–52
sexual abuse 182
siblings 34–5, 106–10, 269
dos and don’ts 108–10
play together and apart 61
reasons for fighting 107–8