Ms. Infinity (Book 1): Earth's Greatest Hero

by Kirschner, Andrew

  Looking at the controls, there were lots of cryptic names. He dared not even guess what “Galactic Coin Bounce Color Set” meant. Was that a vending machine? He thought he remembered her mention something about that in a maintenance check. He also remembered hearing “Unliquidated Carpets,” among other non-sequiturs. He guessed that the meaning was out of his grasp somehow. But then that was the point. These made sense according to the logic multidimensional thinking. He also remembered that Bonnie’s language had not used sound at all. No doubt the use of English to describe this logic was imperfect at best.

  He was terrified about what might happen, but he pressed the button labeled “Orbital Irony.” The ship didn’t move, but the room seemed to blur. He immediately turned it back. Then he tried another one, and another. Some seemed to do nothing. Another had the terrifying effect of stretching everything out before he reversed it. He was almost out of patience. But after many frustrated trials, when he finally turned one of several dials labeled something called “Inferred Collapse of Instance,” suddenly the ship moved.

  “Ah!” he exclaimed, “It’s pushing off of something! Or hanging, or grasping! Or bouncing! Or just…something!” He could not pretend to know what was there, let alone believe he understood it. But he did understand the most important thing. Whatever it was, the ship could somehow interface with it. He turned it some more. Strangely, turning the same dial continuously in the same direction did not result in continuous forward motion. It was erratic and unpredictable. So he tried a few of them in tandem.

  He did not want to go far. Bonnie would hopefully return, and he needed to stay close to where she had left him, but he also needed to figure this out. There was much trial and error, and he never could claim he could predict exactly what would happen with each knob turn. But after some practice, he could say he had some idea. He made a few tentative movements, this way and that.

  He was impressed at how far the ship went in such a short time, tens of thousands of miles barely in a blink. When it came time to return, the frustration grew. He knew where he was going, but for whatever reason it was incredibly hard to bring the ship back there. After a while, he decided that close enough was good enough, and settled when the ship was within a few hundred miles from the starting point.

  So now his contingency plan was complete. Now with nothing else to occupy his mind, he could not forget how frightened he was. He thought of his family, and dearly hoped he would see them again. He hoped he would see Bonnie too, and finally tell her how he felt.

  He said a few prayers, both his traditional Jewish prayers and a few personal ones. Whatever might happen now, this had been the adventure of a lifetime. He only hoped that he would live to tell about it.

  17 Secrets of the Back Room

  Since Lisa was now on her break, she decided she make the most of her time off, and visit Human Resources in the back of the store. If nothing else, she did receive a sympathetic ear from Emily, the HR director.

  “I’m sorry to hear that you’re in trouble,” said Emily, “I see that there is a formal write up here.”

  “Right,” said Lisa, “That’s what I’m talking about. The incident happened when I was on my break. Somebody else signed in on my name.”

  “I see. That’s a pretty serious charge. Can anyone confirm this?”

  “Yes. Maria knew I was on break. You can ask her.”

  “Do you think you know who is responsible?”

  “I don’t, but I strongly suspect Denny. He has a grudge against me from last week. He got in trouble because he was missing when a customer complained to me. He asked for the manager, and when Denny didn’t answer, I sent him to Yvonne.”

  “Denny. Yes. So that’s a grudge. Anyway, you are going to have to write a statement. I would first have to ask: Do you have a solid reason to believe what you are telling me? We would need a lot of evidence before we could go ahead with a complaint.”

  “I do…Wait. A complaint? What are you…?”

  “Without strong evidence, it would mean your word against his.”

  “Well, can you at least overturn the write-up? Why do you need…?”

  “Here’s what you need to understand: You have to make a decision. Are you only trying to remove your problem, or make a complaint against your supervisor? Now if this is a complaint against your supervisor, then okay. There may be legitimate grievances. If he’s giving you problems, there might be other cases. But there would have to be hard evidence for any actions to be taken.”

  “Why would I…? Are there other cases? Have other employees complained about Denny?”

  Emily shook her head. “I can’t discuss other employees with you.”

  Lisa was finding this conversation curious. Emily was strangely interested in getting a complaint against Denny. On the surface it seemed as if she was warning against it, but Lisa hadn’t even suggested that in the first place; Emily was the one who had brought it up. She seemed to be covertly trying to get her to sign on to something.

  “So what you’re asking is, am I saving my job or complaining about my supervisor?”

  “Right.”

  “I’m just curious. What if I only tried to overturn the write up?”

  “I don’t know. It’s hard to say if you could do one thing without the other.”

  Lisa thought for a moment. “You know what? I think I will make a complaint.”

  “Your decision.”

  “By the way Emily, do you have a band aid for my forehead? It’s still bleeding, isn’t it?”

  “It is a little, yeah. I’m afraid we’re out. You know where they keep some? Over by security.”

  “Really? Security? Ugh. No. They’re really mean over there.”

  “Well, I know. Nobody ever wants to go there, but that’s where first aid is, and if you are hurt, they are supposed to help you. If they don’t, then you should tell me.”

  Lisa left human resources and started over to security. It was a short walk through the hallway containing the various offices in the back of the store. Security was the farthest back. She was about to enter, but she stopped short when she heard several voices inside, including a familiar booming one.

  “You had the cameras off, right?”

  “Stop worrying, Den. I told you, we have your back.”

  Lisa quickly stepped back a few paces, ducking back farther into the hallway. She definitely had to hear this conversation.

  “I’m going to be there in a few minutes…”

  “Stop there!” broke in a third voice, “You should always be aware that we have bosses too. We’ll do favors for you when we can. But you have to remember something. We have to explain…”

  “Mitch,” interrupted Denny, “I’m asking you for one little thing.”

  “I’m not arguing with you,” said Mitch, “But you have to remember that we’re the ones who are responsible when things go missing. We’re already reeling from last week. That was one of your employees who almost got killed when this place got robbed. It was on us that the camera over the front end was off when that happened?”

  “So?”

  “So? So we were doing it for you! It’s our heads when there’s a security breach. This isn’t something we can just do every time you feel like going under the radar. Look, you’re a friend, and you have a problem. So we’ll do this one more time. But you’d better not expect us to be doing all these favors for you again and again. It’s bad enough letting you watch the cameras doing God knows what. That could be our heads too.”

  “Alright,” said Denny, “Just this one more time.”

  “Oh, no!” corrected Mitch, “You’re not telling me one more time. I’m telling you that. This is the last time. We can only cover for you so many times. We have a job and we’re professionals. So are you. You’re going to have to get used to that idea.”

  “And I’d be careful about mouthing off to me like that,” said Denny, “You’re right. You’re not as safe you think.”

  “Excuse me
?” asked Mitch.

  Lisa snuck away, sensing the end of the conversation. She scurried back through the hall, and made her way quickly back to customer service.

  So Bonnie was right. Denny had been using security, for something. She was pretty sure she knew why he wanted to watch the cameras. No doubt that was how he had gotten her login. It wasn’t exactly clear why he wanted to have the camera shut off at a specific time. Certainly there was something he was doing, or intending to do, that was under the table. No doubt he would not be using his own login—it would likely be hers. One thing was for sure. She was going to have to be there when it happened.

  She was not sure what else she could do with this information. So far, she had been taking things how they came. It was now clear that the situation demanded a strategy. Unfortunately there wasn’t much time. She was going to have to think on her feet. That would not be easy. It looked like she was headed straight for the shark tank.

  18. A Hero’s Reach

  As Ms. Infinity fell from the ledge, to her apparent doom, the platoon was elated. The officer held up his weapon in a sign of victory. The troops all cheered in response. The roar of the army was very loud indeed, and could be heard throughout the small colony.

  Soon the ranking officer arrived from within. When the news was delivered to him, he addressed the crowd. He spoke with a vibrant spirit of a new dawn for their people. Enthusiastically he told his army that victory was at hand, and that soon the next stage of their venture would begin.

  Floating still and silently for a great distance was Ms. Infinity. She felt like she was trapped in an endless stretch of inaction. The charade of death was not difficult to keep up, but it was monotonous.

  As she floated, she listened intently. She had little to go on besides increasingly distant sounds. As the celebration picked up, she could finally surmise that she was no longer being watched. “About time,” she thought to herself, “I can’t float like this forever.” She turned, and quietly began to fly back to the space station. “Alright,” she said to herself as she approached, “This time with a plan.”

  The celebration was long and spirited. The soldiers were soon joined by women, and by the political leaders of the colony. As they drank and danced, stories of the battle were told. Many of the soldiers told the women of their valor in battle, sometimes with much embellishment. And already the tales were growing of the strangely dressed woman with great powers whom their heroes had defeated.

  And behind the scenes, the officers and the political leaders began to discuss their next move. With the enemy out of the way, they would now rescue their master from her captivity. There were also preliminary discussions for the phase that would follow her rescue, the invasion of Earth.

  As the ranking officer discussed his plans, he noticed a strange sight outside his window. One of their own many ships was passing by, then pulling up to the dock. Then another came. Then another. He excused himself, and stepped outside. He then shouted at his underlings, since he had not ordered any such movement. Yet they were every bit as surprised as he was.

  And more of their ships pulled up, one behind the other. And strange the sight was, since nobody could recall receiving any orders to move out, and there did not seem to be anyone missing. Yet as they examined the ships, they made an even stranger discovery. There was nobody piloting them.

  Then a stranger thing happened. The whole colony began to quake. It shook slightly at first, then harder and harder. Soon the inhabitants struggled to stand. They began to panic, running this way and that, clinging to each other, and to anything they could find to anchor themselves. But they had not yet seen their strangest sight yet.

  For then they heard a loud roar like thunder. There were flashes of lightning all around, seemingly coming from nowhere. Suddenly they saw a tremendous figure before them, godlike in scale, and they discovered that their entire colony was in her hands. It was indeed Ms. Infinity, the enemy they thought they had just defeated, now grown to a scale far beyond any living creature. Her image filled the sky above, an omnipotent figure passing judgment, her enormous arms reaching beneath their horizon. And in panic, all began to run for their ships.

  And she called, in a voice resonating with tremendous power, “Get out while you still can, you bunch of weenies!”

  And the giantess stayed until the entire colony was cleared, periodically threatening the army below her with taunts and slurs. As the last soldiers embarked, they looked back, and saw her tremendous body filling their view, her mammoth hand about to reach for them. And so they raced inside and began their flight.

  And even after the ships evacuated, she flew after in pursuit. And many of the ships began to fly in formation, about to attack their enormous foe in a desperate last attempt at victory. But before they could attack, she changed into a monstrous form. And she was enormous, much larger and far more threatening than the monster that had attacked Misery. She had many giant heads, each of them breathing fire, and countless tentacles, all of them grabbing at the mass of ships. And from each of her heads, her mouths opened, revealing many thousands of tremendous teeth, sharp as saw blades. And from their view, she seemed as big as a planet.

  So an entire military force saw a sight of a single unarmed enemy so powerful, so terrible, so threatening, that every single ship turned around in fear. And so the entire colony was then abandoned once and for all. And when they finally did regroup, some distance away, the decision was made to return home, and never to trust in Misery again. And in time the stories would be told among them of the foolish mission behind the cruel blonde woman, who would have them attempting an attack on a planet full of people who could transform into gigantic, godlike monsters.

  But as the ships flew away, the real Ms. Infinity waited behind the image of the monster, still the same size and shape as usual, indeed still nursing a wound on her side. After the ships were far away, she put an end to the great illusion.

  Brave as the victory was, Ms. Infinity had actually been in tremendous danger. Indeed she had not faced such a threat in many years.

  And so she had fallen back on an old trick from her youth. Avoiding capture at all costs, she would “lose” the fight. She would seem to fall completely, but crucially she would be outside the field of battle when that happened. She would wait for a period of time. Then she would mount a spectacular and well-staged retaliation, something that would shock and awe her enemy into submission or retreat. And so in tandem with her super strength and telekinesis she used another of her powers, casting illusions. She made a giant image of herself appear in front of the army. That with the strangeness of their ships arriving and the colony’s “earthquake” was enough to convince them that she was back as an omnipotent rival.

  For some reason, employing such an attack in the retaliation seemed more effective than leading with it. Perhaps it carried the advantage of confusion. Still, it was risky. It depended on psychology, and results varied depending on the enemy. The same tactic had never fooled Misery, for one.

  Bonnie may have dismissed the idea of “magic shows.” However, as she knew from her many comics, theatrics are naturally built right into the very idea of a superhero. Everything about the archetype depends on showmanship, from the absurd names to the outlandish costumes, to moves that would make the flashiest magician blush. And indeed the “show” was often important to the superhero known as Ms. Infinity when she made her appearance.

  As recently as her rescue of Hal from the roof, there was a major case of fakery. The flash of lightning that she “appeared” out of was nothing but fireworks; teleportation was one power she did not possess. The effect made for a spectacular entrance. But more importantly it also protected her secret identity by masking her real entrance, a simple ascent from five stories below. Even more recently, she used the same trick to make an impression on Misery. She also regularly enhanced her transformation into Ms. Infinity with a similar “explosion,” essentially for her own motivation.

  Then to
o, it was Bonnie’s nature to overstate her abilities, superhuman and otherwise. When she told Hal that she had just “rearranged the universe” just to fix two wobbly chairs, there was more than a little hyperbole. She had simply used her telekinesis to fix the chairs. Hal could have “rearranged the universe” just as substantially by putting a book under a chair leg. This same tendency occasionally extended to her Bonnie Boring persona. Even when she was with Lisa, she might exaggerate about anything from her work to blowing bubbles and even belching. Fortunately for her, Lisa found it endearing rather than off-putting.

  As Ms. Infinity landed once again, she saw that many ships still remained. There was one that was much larger than the others, and bore all the hallmarks of a ship from Center. Clearly that ship belonged to Misery. She scanned all of the ships with her super senses to confirm that all were unoccupied.

  She then began to survey the space station. She used her x-ray vision, efficiently and patiently. For some time she found little that surprised her. There were many military facilities, barracks, and training areas. Predictably there were many smaller facilities for the soldiers, and fewer, larger quarters for the officers.

  In an isolated area she found a desolate building with no windows. She gathered that it must be a prison. The walls were very thick, and took an effort to peer through. She soon discovered that there were indeed prisoners inside. She flew around to find the door, and tore it open.

  An ominous thought occurred to her. What would be the consequences of freeing everyone? Were some of these prisoners real criminals? Were all of them or most of them political prisoners? How could she possibly know the difference? She certainly did not have time to question all of them to tell “good” prisoners apart from “bad.” What if she was setting dangerous people free?