Run Delia Run

by Cindy Bokma

  Now we were relaxing with glasses of red wine. The smog of the city prevented us from seeing stars, but I looked up and stared into the sky anyway.

  “You look like you’ve gained weight.” The comment caught me off guard.

  I paused, my wine glass mid-air. I was growing used to his little digs and put-downs and chose to gloss over them, even though he hurt my feelings.

  He loves you. He says things to help you be a better person. I repeated these sentences over and over.

  “I hadn’t noticed,” I answered slowly, picking imaginary lint from my sweater with fingers that were suddenly sweaty. Where a second ago I was at peace, something now prickled at the back of my neck. I set my wineglass down on the side table and shifted my body away from him.

  I glanced down at my watch though I couldn’t see the numbers. “Its late, I should go.”

  Why did he have to kill the mood by telling me I was gaining weight?

  “No, stay. Listen, you need to be aware of your appearance. Working at the studio, you’re a reflection of me.” He crossed a leg over his knee and leaned back, puffing on that damn cigar. The scent of it turned my stomach.

  When I didn’t respond he continued. “You’ll move in here. I’ll help you with your diet; make sure you get proper exercise. Someone has to look out for you Delia.”

  I bit my lip.

  “I told you, I’m not ready to move in. Not yet.”

  “Come on, Delia. We’ve been together for six months, its time. You can barely look after yourself and I’m happy to have you move in here. I’ll take care of you.” Plumes of smoke from the cigar curled in the air and evaporated. He squinted at me.

  “Leo, I can take care of myself. I’ve done it for years.”

  He scoffed and made a face. “Ha! Your car broke down, you needed a new job. I handled it. Your hair was a disaster before I had you go to the salon and get it cut, you couldn’t dress properly before I bought your clothes. Now your weight is out of control. It’s better than you move in here Delia, where we can work together on your improvements. You have so much potential.” Leo mashed the cigar out in the white marble ashtray he kept on the coffee table then he stared at me, waiting for a response. He had a way of looking at me as if he saw through my clothes straight to the marrow of my bones.

  I bit my lip as thoughts tumbled through my brain. My heart pounded against my rib cage and though the night was chilly, sweat dripped down my back.

  He caught my eyes and held my gaze. The music suddenly stopped and the air was filled with static. Blood pounded in my head.

  I opened my mouth to refuse, then closed it when I saw his cold stare.

  “Live with me. I have this huge house. Why wouldn’t you want to live here? We see each other almost every day anyway. It’s practical.”

  A few weeks before this, Leo sprung a hair salon appointment on me, insisting I cut my hair. At that point I decided to back off from the relationship and give myself a little space. I didn’t answer his calls; I didn’t run to my pager when it beeped with his number as I had done before.

  The more I distanced myself, the stronger he came on. I spent long hours at work with Randall doing more work than we needed. I didn’t want to be with Leo. I needed a break from his smothering, dominant ways. I was confused in my feelings toward him and tried to cool it between us, but he always came back with more intensity: phone calls every hour, flowers delivered to my apartment, gifts in boxes from department stores tied with ribbons, notes on my car. Was that love? I didn’t know.

  At work, I stayed into the evenings with Randall, ordering Chinese food and sharing it over mounds of invoices and bills. I liked the work, liked the order and the numbers and figuring out mistakes, finding answers. Numbers were easier than dealing with Leo.

  Now, I was aware of how his heavy gaze settled on me.

  “I can’t move in with you.” The air held the tension between us and I stood to leave.

  Leo laughed, throwing his head back. “Playing hard to get, kid?” He shook his head and smiled benignly, as if dealing with a temperamental child. He followed me to the front door. “I see how it is. Two can play that game,” he said it lightly, but it came off as a warning.

  As I got into my car, I glanced up to see him staring at me, the curtain of the front window parted, his body illuminated from the light behind. The sound of my heartbeat thrashed in my ears as I backed out of the driveway.

  A week later, I arrived home from work to find my apartment cleared out, every last sock and spoon had been removed. Nothing, not even a piece of lint remained. Panic seized me. Did I not lock the door? Who would steal my meager belongings? I rubbed my forehead trying to gather my thoughts. What happened?

  Tears flooded my eyes as I went to my neighbor’s apartment to use the phone. I should have called the police, but instead I called Leo. He’d know what to do.

  “Everything’s gone!” I croaked, my hands were sweaty around the phone. “I came home from work and...” I couldn’t get the words out. My neighbor, a young mother with a new baby, patted my arm sympathetically.

  “Darling.” He laughed, his happy voice confused me. “I moved your stuff to my house. It’s all here, except for the old furniture; I donated that to Goodwill, though they probably didn’t want it. Don’t worry, it was supposed to be a surprise for you!”

  The blood pooled from my head into my shoes and I swayed.

  “You did this?” I whispered. My brain went fuzzy and my skin tingled like I was being electrocuted. “It was you?”

  “Of course! Who else would it be? We discussed moving in together, don’t you remember?” He chuckled. “You’re losing your mind! Now, drive home and I’ll order us some takeout. It’s a good night for Chinese, don’t you think?”

  I don’t remember the drive to Leo’s house. A swirling cluster of emotions traveled through my veins and I alternated between feeling icy cold and feverish. For once I wasn't bothered by the traffic or hitting a series of red lights, the pedestrians crossing the street in front of my car or driving behind a double decker tour bus. All the usual irritants didn't matter.

  When I reached the door, he opened it and took one look at my face then gathered me into his arms.

  He took a long, deep breath. “There, there, Delia.” He rubbed my back and I started to cry. “I get it. You’re old fashioned. You want to get married,” he said it with certainty. He led me into the kitchen where I put my purse on the table and dropped into a chair. I felt like a zombie.

  Leo uncorked a bottle of wine and poured me a generous glass.

  “I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I meant for this to be a happy surprise, not something that would upset you.” He handed me a glass of wine and gently kissed my forehead.

  “Yes,” I whispered, my stomach clenching. I hoped I didn’t throw up. “You should have.”

  Leo bent down so he was eye level but I refused to meet his stare. He placed a finger on my chin and moved my head so we faced each other.

  “And there is something else you need to know, not that it's a big deal. I was married once before. Years ago. As soon as I got out of film school, I married Aurora and it lasted less than two years. I haven’t been in such a rush to do it for a second time.”

  Leo’s handsome face twisted into a gargoyle before me and I closed my eyes.

  He was married before? We’d been together for six months and he never thought to tell me?

  Maybe I needed to calm down. Maybe I needed a drink of the wine that sat in front of me.

  I clutched the stem and took a sip.

  “Perhaps you think it was a little hasty to move your things without telling you, but honestly, it’s for the best. You belong here with me. You were being stubborn and by now you should know that I get what I want.”

  When I didn’t answer, Leo leaned over and gently kissed my forehead.

  “We’ll get married.” Leo took the wine glass from my grasp and set it on the table then took my cold hands in his.
The absent emotion in his pale blue eyes reminded me of something sinister and I shivered. “Marry me.”

  I licked my lips and drew in a deep breath. It was too much. Coming home to an empty house, feeling the grip of terror, then finding out he moved my things without telling or even asking me. Now a marriage proposal? My head spun like a carnival ride and my stomach flopped.

  I pulled my hands from his. The sun had gone down and washed the trees and garden in a peachy glow. The fading sunlight cast a glow on his face, creating a radiant effect on his skin. Everything was still, no breeze or movement, making it seem like time stood still. But it wasn’t. I heard the tick of the clock in the hall. The air had a heavy quality to it and my breath was shallow and troubled. The housekeeper must have stopped by, I detected the lemon scent of furniture polish.

  Why was I thinking of furniture polish when Leo proposed? I closed my eyes. When I opened them, he stared at me, his face inches from mine. I gasped. He leaned close enough for his warm breath to touch my skin.

  “I was sure the moment I saw you in the dentist’s office, sitting at the desk looking so innocent. I had to have you.” He paused. “I knew you’d be mine,” he added matter of factly. “I love you.”

  I didn’t respond.

  “Come on, Delia,” he urged. His lips turned into a smirk. “No one will ever love you like me.”

  Like a kaleidoscope, I quickly saw in my mind’s eye Aunt Priscilla, the dank squat house, cleaning up after the cats, my endless hours at Eckerd’s, struggling to make ends meet in Hollywood. I thought of my parents, dead. My brother, gone. I was alone, untethered like a balloon without a string. If I married Leo, I’d never be in that position again. Did I want to end up like her? Was that my only option? And I did love Leo, I really did. Most times.

  Despite the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and the fact he cleaned out my apartment and moved me into his house without consent, I answered, “Yes. I’ll marry you.”

  Tears filled his eyes and he gathered me into his arms. “I’m going to make you so happy. Just wait.”

  One trip to Harry Winston later and I sported a huge ring, a large diamond with smaller diamonds on each side set in platinum. It was enormous, but Leo wanted to buy a bigger one, weighing in at a ridiculous seven carats. I refused. There was no way I wanted anything that big on my finger. Under the heavy burden of an engagement ring, my hand felt like it belonged to a stranger.

  Veronica sighed loudly when I showed up to work wearing it. “Why are you even working?” she asked with her usual scowl, her dark eyes stuck on my ring. “Obviously you don’t have to.”

  Randall squinted and grimaced when he saw the ring but politely said congratulations. The expression on his face reminded me of a person suffering from the loss of a beloved pet. I frowned as he walked away from my desk; his reaction wasn’t what I anticipated. I wanted him, as my friend, to be happy for me.

  Throughout the day, I joked as usual and asked him questions, trying to draw him out and start a conversation, but Randall answered with one word replies and excused himself at lunch, not returning until late in the day.

  A few girls from up at the main office came down to bring some files to Veronica and they elbowed each other and nodded at my ring.

  “Leo Kubias, huh?” One of them laughed.

  “You totally hit the jackpot,” the other one said as they oohed and ahhed over the ring.

  I smiled and shrugged. Something nagged at me but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

  Invoicing and data entry was tedious, but it helped make the day go by. Concentrating on my work forced me to ignore the smirks and snorts Veronica kept throwing my way.

  “When’s the wedding?” Randall asked in his soft voice.

  Peering over my computer, I smiled. Finally he was talking to me again.

  After getting to know Randall, I found myself appreciating his kindness and intelligence. But more than that, his passive, gentle personality appealed to me. My heart sank when he didn’t show up for work at his usual time, which was before the office officially opened. As soon as his lanky frame walked through the door, I perked up. I began counting our interactions as the best parts of my day.

  “Soon.” I pressed my lips together and looked out the window. Leo indicated we’d be married in the near future. He promised he’d take care of everything and all I needed to do was show up.

  I looked at Randall and he smiled weakly, “Does this mean you will be quitting your job? We’ll have yet another person in here?”

  “No, I plan to keep working. Just because Leo earns a lot of money has nothing to do with me. I want to work. I like it.” I defended myself, the last impression I wanted to perpetrate was that I was going to get lazy once I was married. I needed to work for my mental stability.

  “I was getting worried. I don’t want you to leave.” Randall’s eyes met mine and then he looked away quickly. I noticed his cheeks reddening and when I turned back to the computer, I saw Veronica watching us, biting on the end of her pencil, her eyes focused on me like two lasers.

  Almost every day Randall and I ate lunch together, bringing our brown bags outside to eat in the sun. He sat with his back of his neatly pressed shirt up against the trunk of a palm tree while I sat on the grass. We shared our lunches and often he remembered to bring me a bag of the chewy fruit snacks that I liked. I brought extra juice boxes for him.

  “Tell me about Leo,” he said one day, biting into a Red Delicious apple. Little sprays of apple juice landed on my arm and I tried to wipe it away without calling attention to it.

  “What do you want to know?” I ripped open a package of Twinkies, a rare treat. Leo constantly harassed me about my weight going so far as to throw away perfectly good food if it didn’t meet his dietary standard. Guilt washed over me as the spongy cake met my front teeth. I chewed without tasting as I saw Leo’s face in my mind. Crumpling the rest of it into a napkin, I vowed to toss the rest of them when I got home. I'd never eat a Twinkie again.

  “What do you see in him? I mean, you don’t seem like a pair, no offense.” Randall’s brown eyes sparkled.

  The more time I spent with him, the more attractive he became. His neatly pressed shirts and pants with their sharp creases were endearing. His smile was comforting, and he was quick to catch my eye and laugh at my lame jokes. Several times I caught him staring at me and when I looked in his direction, I noticed scarlet color rising onto his smoothly shaved face. Was he embarrassed? I liked that he was so shy and timid.

  “What do I see in Leo?” I repeated.

  Randall nodded.

  “He takes care of me.” I shrugged. “Why?”

  Randall tilted his brow, looking at me with curiosity written into his features. “You don’t seem like the kind of girl to get involved with someone like him, that’s all. You’re so down to earth. Serious. Sweet. He’s so...” his voice trailed off.

  “My parents-” I pressed my lips together to keep from crying. A dark shadow passed over us, the sun ducking behind a cloud. I glanced up at the sky, at the gray cloud overhead. Then I met Randall’s eyes and told him about my parents, a little about Aunt Priscilla. “I guess Leo gives me what I’ve been missing. Security.”

  Randall tossed his apple core to the birds that pecked at the sidewalk. They flew in a sudden ruffle of feathers and fought for the core with a squawk.

  “I get it. My dad died when I was five,” he said. “It’s hard to grow up without even one parent. That must have been really hard.” He reached out awkwardly to hug me but ended up patting my arm.

  “I’m sorry about your dad. So you can see how Leo takes care of me and looks out for me. I mean, he has my best interest at heart all the time. And I need that.”

  Didn't I? Where would I be without Leo? As he frequently pointed out, I owed my car and my job and my clothes and everything else to him.

  No one will love you like I do.

  “I can’t compete with that. I guess you would never go f
or someone boring and unworldly. Someone less . . . powerful and less accomplished.” He murmured, watching the birds. The implication of his words were obvious and I didn’t want to be faced with answering so I pretended not to hear.

  “Look at those birds.” I laughed tensely. “Boy, they must have been hungry.” I started cleaning up my lunch—wrappers, an empty juice box, a water bottle, and a half eaten orange. That Twinkie I should have never bought.

  I glanced at Randall and our eyes met, we held each others gaze and he opened his mouth. “I have to tell-”

  But he didn’t finish whatever he was going to say because a jet flew over head and the noise of the engines made Randall pause. When it was gone and everything was silent again, I looked at Randall, hoping he’d continue but he shook his head and threw his garbage in the trash can, walking ahead of me and not looking back.

  What was he going to say?

  We didn’t talk for the rest of the afternoon. From the look on Veronica’s face, I knew she was puzzled why we were suddenly so silent.

  We cuddled together watching an early release of a new movie, when the doorbell rang. Leo nudged me off the couch.

  “You should get that.” He nodded in the direction of the door. I relished in our lazy day, a light rain fell outside and Leo was in a good mood. I was comfy in cashmere sweats with my hair pulled back and no makeup. Leo hadn’t commented on my casual outfit or lack of makeup and he even gave me a rare compliment about my clear skin, which made me smile.

  Earlier he cooked omelets, egg whites and no cheese for me, and asked my opinions about honeymoon destinations. When I expressed my thoughts, he didn’t shoot them down and even looked interested in my ideas and promised to call a travel agent. These were the moments I loved. Times like these reaffirmed my decision to marry Leo. We could be perfect together.

  A blissful feeling settled over me and I caught a glimpse of my life with Leo, more Saturday mornings like this. I looked forward to the future in a way I hadn’t before. As I got glimpses into Leo’s demanding, controlling personality, I grew concerned about peace in our marriage but then I saw how attentive and loving he could be and I knew I was making the right choice by marrying him.