He rushed back to the house. Mom and Sydney had Ryan out of his chair, cooing over him. Even if they didn’t like Vanessa, the family wouldn’t be able to resist Ryan.
Parker grabbed the folder from the front pocket and handed it to his father. “Here you go. All the documents giving Ryan to me. She gave up all her rights and asked for nothing in return but that Ryan have a good life. She’s not after anything.”
John sat back at the table, flipping through the pages slowly as he read them. Finally, he nodded. “It looks like everything is in order, but I’ll have a lawyer check this out. Once we get the paternity test, we’ll double check that everything was filed properly with the courts if Ryan is, in fact, yours.”
“Dad, check out the filing anyway. Even if Ryan isn’t mine biologically, I don’t know where Vanessa is. Legally, he’s my son now, and I’m keeping him no matter what.”
Across the room, Sydney frowned. “Even if he’s not yours?”
“Even if,” Parker said firmly. He had to. He couldn’t send the kid to an orphanage or something. He’d be the best father he could. It would work out.
Sydney folded her arms together, looking angry. “What about Sierra?”
Susan’s forehead furrowed. “What do you mean, what about Sierra? She sounded upset today, but then acted like everything was fine. Is she okay?”
Sydney’s frown deepened. “Because of what that witch of a mom did to her, she’s afraid to be a mother. If Parker keeps Ryan, he’ll lose her. Which is stupid if Ryan isn’t his.”
“Son, you can’t let that happen,” Susan said, favoring Parker with a glare. “Invite her to come out here with the family for the rest of today and we’ll get her comfortable with Ryan. I don’t blame the poor girl for being afraid, but I really like her. She compliments you well. You can’t let her get away. We have to help her.”
John nodded. “We’ll get her counseling and whatever she needs. I should have thought of that before. I didn’t realize how hard her parents would have made things on her for certain aspects of life.”
“You all have to stop dreaming,” Parker said. “I know you hoped Sierra and I would get together and live happily forever, just like Quinn and Larissa, but it isn’t going to happen. She doesn’t want kids,” he repeated. “She told me she was in love with me but said it couldn’t happen. She walked out. We’re over.”
The pain that had been held at bay by Parker’s excitement over Ryan came rushing in all at once. His chest felt heavy and bile rose in his throat.
“Damn it. We’re over, but I love her. I want to be with her.”
Susan passed the baby off to John and crossed the room to wrap her arms around Parker. “It’ll be okay. She said she loves you too, so this will all work out. Give it a little time.”
Struggling against the tears he felt threatening, Parker shrugged out of his mother’s understanding embrace. If she was too kind to him, he’d break down. He didn’t have time for that. He had a baby to raise.
“Ryan’s my life now, Mom. That’s the way it has to be. Do you still have a crib in the attic? I’m short on baby supplies.”
* * *
Sierra didn’t return to her apartment until long after the sun set. She didn’t know how far she walked, but she just couldn’t face anyone. Her feet ached and had tons of scrapes and bruises, but the physical pain was nothing compared to her mental anguish.
She rode the elevator to her floor, checking her phone once again in hopes that Parker had tried to contact her. Nothing.
It was time for a long bath and sleep. She should really eat, but the thought of food made her want to vomit. Nothing was right in her life at this moment. What she should do didn’t matter. All she wanted to do was curl into a hole somewhere and let the hurt wash over her.
It was a deep hurt. The indifference and abuse she’d suffered her whole life had been easy to handle because she was used to it. This was so different. The pain of losing Parker was more acute, sharper.
If she could just learn to be a good mom, she could have him. She could have it all—true love, a happy family, and a real place in the world. Well, if Parker would ever trust her now that she’d pointed out her shortcomings. The reason he didn’t call had to be because he was afraid she’d hurt Ryan. That had to be it. Not that she blamed him.
She unlocked her small apartment and flipped on the light. The rose Parker gave her had shriveled and turned black, but she lifted it to her nose and sniffed anyway. The last thing he’d ever give her. She needed to hang it upside down to dry or press it into a book. It would be the only proof she’d have that she was loved once.
There wasn’t a single book in her place, and it was too late to knock on any of her neighbor’s doors. Besides, she hadn’t tried to get to know anyone since she moved in. It’d be weird to ask to borrow a book.
Floss might work to string it up. She hurried into the bathroom as best she could on her aching feet, grabbing her white container of cinnamon flavored floss. The rose wasn’t heavy, and there were planter hooks in the ceiling. It would work. She could save this little piece of Parker’s love.
She climbed on the desk to reach the hook, putting everything in place. Maybe once it dried she’d keep it there, so she could see it every morning when she woke up.
“Yeah, right,” she muttered. “How long do I want to torture myself for losing him?”
Her phone buzzed in her pants pocket, and Sierra startled, momentarily losing her balance. She flung herself as hard as she could to the wall, catching herself on it. Heart pounding and legs shaky, she lowered herself to her hands and knees and then hopped to the ground.
“I don’t need Mother Dearest to beat me up, looks like I’m determined to do that myself.”
She pulled the phone out and flopped to the bed, noting the caller ID said J. McCallister, a different number than Susan called from earlier. She prayed Mr. McCallister wasn’t calling to take her job away, now that she and Parker were through.
“Hello?”
“Sierra, it’s Susan McCallister again. Do you have time to talk?”
Well, Susan didn’t seem to deal a lot with the business side of the island. Maybe they didn’t know about Ryan yet or that she and Parker had broken up. “What can I do for you?”
“Actually, I’m hoping to help you. John and I tried to visit your apartment today a few different times, but you haven’t been home. Are you okay, dear?”
Sierra’s breath caught in her throat. Something was off. Why did they try to see her? “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
Susan sighed. “Parker and Ryan.”
“So, you know.” Sierra squeezed her eyelids shut. She thought she was all cried out, but the tickle of tears started again behind her eyes.
“Yes, we know, and we’re worried about you. The family all love you, Sierra. Maybe not as much as Parker loves you, but we want you to be okay.”
“That’s very nice of you, Mrs. McCallister. Can I ask something?”
“Of course, dear.”
Sierra took in a deep breath, steeling herself for the answer. “Are you going to fire me?”
“What? Of course not!” Susan sounded genuinely shocked. “Sierra, I’m trying to explain, but I think I’m screwing this up. Whether you are with Parker or not, we care about you. Frankly, Parker’s a mess right now and missing you terribly. From the perspective of a mother hating to see her kid in pain, I do hope you get back together.”
“He misses me? I thought...” She didn’t know exactly what she thought. Maybe that Ryan would be enough for Parker to forget about her. Something like that.
“He’s destroyed by the way things ended with you, Sierra, and I’m guessing you are too. Where were you today?”
Sierra shrugged, even though Susan couldn’t see her. “I don’t really know. I just walked. The east side of the island has lots of rocks on the beach. No wonder you don’t have houses over there.”
“Did the walking help? Do you feel better?”
&
nbsp; Sierra laughed, the sound bitter. “Actually, I was barefoot. Now my feet hurt and I’m still as heartbroken as I was this morning.”
It was so easy to talk to Susan. Why couldn’t her own mother have been like this? The love and concern Susan had for everyone on the island was easy to see, easy to feel. If only Sierra had grown up here. Everything would be different.
“John and I have a plan,” Susan said. “We’re not sure you’ll be up to it, and I don’t want you to feel like we’re trying to insult you.”
“No, I’d never think that. You guys gave me a life and a chance to be the person I want to be. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.”
“Well, we’d like for you to see a counselor, Sierra. You need to work on your issues about the abuse you suffered and get some help with your emotions.”
“Therapy?” She’d never actually spoken to anyone but Parker and Neenee about Cece’s abuse. Even though she’d opened up to him, Parker didn’t know half of what had happened in her life. How could she talk to a stranger about it? And how would that help? “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Can you try? Please. If not for Parker’s sake, for your own. I’d really love for you to get to a point you guys could be together, but if you want to be happy in life, you have to face your past.”
“I suppose so.”
“Great.” Susan covered the mouthpiece on the phone and mumbled something before coming back on the line. “John says he already hired someone who has a lot of experience with this sort of thing. She’s coming out tomorrow and you have an appointment at one o’clock.”
Sierra shook her head. “I have to work then. And you can’t hire a counselor just for me.”
“Stop worrying. I know you won’t be able to exercise the horses, and Parker tells me that’s your favorite part of the job. I’m sorry about that, but you’re only working until noon and then taking the rest of the day off. No arguments. Oh hang on, John wants to talk to you.”
Whispers came over the line, but Sierra couldn’t make out their words. It was overwhelming to think John and Susan already cared this much about her. They only talked to her a few times. What did they see in her that was worth going to the expense of getting her mental help?
“Sierra?” John’s hearty voice boomed over the line. He sounded a bit too cheerful, so Sierra guessed some of it was forced. “We take care of anyone in the McCallister Family. You’re a part of that now, just being on the island. I’m sure you aren’t the only one who could benefit from having a counselor on staff, so I’ve hired one for all the employees to have access. You, however, are her main duty until things get a bit easier, okay?”
“What if it doesn’t, Mr. McCallister? Get easier, I mean. What if I can’t ever face having children, and Parker and I don’t get back together?”
“Then I’m sorry for you both,” he said. “Parker’s staying here for a while. We set a crib up in his old room and we’re helping out with the baby. You could always stop by for a visit later in the week. See what happens.”
That must be where Parker got his attitude to just see what happened and not worry about the future. Sierra didn’t live life that way. Everything was calculated and regimented in her world. Things were different on the island.
“I’ll meet with the counselor,” she said. “I’ll do whatever I can, but I can’t make any promises about Ryan. I know you’re all so loving, and probably can’t understand my brand of crazy, but I’m trying to do what’s best for Parker and his baby.”
“I know you are. I don’t have an office set up for Dr. Taylor yet, so she’s going to come to your apartment. Focus on yourself for a few days, and then we’ll see, okay?”
“Okay, sir.” Sierra bit her lip, still overcome with emotion at the care they showed for her. “Thank you, by the way. No one has ever been as nice to me as your family, and I do appreciate it.”
Chapter 22
Parker woke to the sound of Ryan grunting in his crib. The kid was a pooping machine. It wouldn’t be long before a soft little cry that meant ‘change my stinky diaper,’ would break the relative silence of the morning.
Two whole weeks... Parker could barely believe it. He’d been a father for two weeks, but also been single and alone. Sierra had given one-word replies to any text message he sent, not seeming interested in seeing him again. While Ryan kept him plenty busy most of the time, lying in bed all alone made him miss Sierra acutely.
After Vanessa left the island, Parker had never longed for her—never missed having someone in his arms at night. That’s what tipped him off to the fact he hadn’t really been in love.
Every day without Sierra felt like an eternity in hell. All he wanted was to hold her, kiss away her fears and pain, and show her that they could be great together. It was looking more and more like he wouldn’t get that chance. Her messages were never encouraging, although Parker tried every day.
From the crib, a soft whine sounded.
Parker sighed and rolled off the bed. “Okay, buddy, I hear you. Daddy’s going to get you all cleaned up.”
Staring down into Ryan’s face, Parker couldn’t help but grin. Even without Sierra around, it was hard to stay sad when looking at his son.
Making quick work of changing the diaper, Parker slipped out to wash his hands and then returned to pick Ryan up. “How about we get a bottle down and then let you swing for a bit? Grandma’s been wearing herself out the past two weeks taking care of you while Daddy works. You can watch while I make her and Grandpa a nice breakfast.”
Ryan gurgled, which Parker took as agreement.
* * *
Sierra finished writing in her journal and set the pen down. She felt Dr. Taylor was helping sort out her emotions, and she was grateful the McCallisters thought to bring the doctor to the island.
They’d met every day over the past two weeks. Although the therapist never said it outright, Sierra could tell the woman wanted to push her back toward seeing Parker—for closure, if nothing else. The problem was, she didn’t know if she could face him.
Switching from working in the horse stables to helping out in the island’s daycare was a step in the right direction as far as getting past her fear of children. Sierra had worked there for the past week. They had been some of the scariest hours in her life, if she was honest with herself. So far, all had gone well and she hadn’t had any problems. However, there were plenty of other employees around to help if Sierra became overwhelmed. Also, none of the kids were under the age of four.
It wasn’t the same as life with Parker would be. Those children weren’t helpless babies like Ryan. Sierra still didn’t know if she could trust herself around Parker’s son.
That didn’t stop her from missing Parker horribly though, or wishing she had the guts to go see him. Had the guts to commit to being in Ryan’s life and not turning into a monster. If only she knew for sure... even Dr. Taylor admitted there were no guarantees.
On the desk beside her, her cell phone buzzed. She swiped down, unsurprised to see it was a text from Parker.
Good morning, Red. I hope you’re doing good. Ryan and I are making breakfast for Grandma and Grandpa.
The thought of Parker with his son having a happy morning was less panic inducing than it had been on other mornings Parker texted. That was progress. Maybe someday...
She quickly text back. Sounds fun.
Rising from the desk, she went to the window and pushed it open a few inches. The sun shone bright in the clear-blue sky and the scent of ocean rushed into the room. It was the smell Sierra now associated with home. The island was her home, and that felt good. Dr. Taylor thought it was improvement that she’d started to feel as if she belonged.
It was nice, really. Even in her condo in New York, she’d always known her parents could snatch it away if she disobeyed or disappointed them. Here she had stability. Feeling secure was a new experience, and Sierra loved that.
The phone beeped again. There’s ple
nty of food here if you like French Toast. It was followed by a smiley face and a heart emoticon.
She wished she could say yes, she’d be right over. She wanted to, quite badly. The only problem was she didn’t know how she’d handle being with Ryan. The baby wasn’t some random kid at the daycare she’d spend a few hours with before he went home to his real life. If she started anything up with Parker again, she’d need to be prepared to love that boy and be his mother. It was a big commitment.
She typed in, Have therapy. Sorry.
That wasn’t technically a lie, even if therapy was several hours away. She needed to talk to Dr. Taylor before seeing Parker again. She wanted to visit him, but what if that was a mistake? Dr. Taylor had a way of making things make sense.
Her subconscious seemed to be pushing her to let Parker and Ryan into her life. She’d had the same recurring dream last night that had happened all week. Parker showed up at her door, taking her to a fancy dinner at the chef’s table in his baby brother’s restaurant. After that, they went to his parents’ house, picked up Ryan, and then drove to a house—the one on Parker’s special portion of the beach. At that point, it became clear to her that they were a family, and she was a real wife and mother.
It was nice, and she always woke with a smile on her face before realizing a dream was all it was. She wondered if it would ever become reality.
Could she get strong enough to trust herself with Ryan? And even if she could, could she do it before Parker gave up on her?
* * *
Parker helped his mother with the dishes while John took Ryan for a walk on the beach.
“Is everything okay?” Susan asked, concern making her face wrinkle into a frown. “You seem a bit down today.”
Parker shrugged. “I tried to get Sierra to come out here again.”
“And she still said no?”
Parker closed his eyes, feeling more defeated than he ever had. “What do I do, Mom? I’ve been texting every day, sometimes I send her pictures of Ryan, sometimes I just tell her how much I miss her. When I told her at the beginning of this week that the paternity tests proved Ryan was mine, all she said was good. Nothing else. I can’t reach her. I can’t make her love us.”
Diving Into Love (McCallister's Paradise Book 2) Page 18