Lyrical Lights

by Maria La Serra

  “I should have known. Noah had been broken up over us,” Mable said.

  “He’s not the only one,” I replied.

  I looked at Mable, settling her head back—her eyes never leaving me. “What I meant to say was … It’s so hard to look at you and not think about the past and how we were. And having to let it go. It hurts.”

  “We don’t have to let it go,” I suddenly said. “When I look at you, I feel nothing has changed, like you’re still mine.”

  “Don’t say that, Simon.”

  “No, I do. I need to tell you … All I know from that day with that fucking rag magazine. Nothing was the same between us. I was there, ready to do anything for you, for us. Where did you go?”

  “It didn’t work out the way we thought it would.”

  I couldn’t sympathize with her words, so I pulled the Jeep off the shoulder, and the car jerked. Mable’s eyes widened.

  “That’s bullshit … Tell me you don’t love me anymore. Tell me why you can’t be with me.”

  She was taken aback, and her eyes watered. “I … I love you, Simon, but—”

  That was all I needed to hear to reach my limit. I leaned in, allowing my lips to do the talking. I tasted her salty lips, the scent of her skin. Christ, I missed this interaction, us—intertwined. Not knowing where she started, where I ended. It took the slightest fraction of a second for her to follow through, then her hands were in my hair, around my neck … pulling me closer.

  “Tell me you don’t want this,” I whispered between kisses.

  “Simon.”

  “I need you, Mable.”

  “I can’t …”

  “Why?”

  “Because … I’m with someone else.”

  It came out a little less than a whisper. I would have missed it if I wasn’t practically on top of her.

  “What was that?” I slowly eased my way back into my seat. It was like someone had just stabbed me in the gut. My eyes never left hers—her face flushed with heat, my heart muddled in a new ache. What did you expect? A voice from within taunted. She had moved on. I didn’t fight for her. Instead, I watched her walk away without giving her a good reason to stay.

  She closed her eyes like she was trying to gather up the courage to continue. “I’m with Julian.”

  “Why?” I said.

  “What do you mean … why?” She softly laughed through her tears.

  I wanted to wipe every single tear away. I loved her, and it was tearing me apart … Were her tears for me—for us?

  “It just happened. We worked on a campaign together last month. And, well, one thing led to another.” She diverted her eyes away from me.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, letting it all sink in. I had seen it coming; I always knew Julian had a thing for her, ever since that night at the Plaza. I had watched them together through the crowd. It wasn’t difficult to see he was already taken by her, not only by her beauty, but by who she was. Her eyes had a magic to stop the world from moving, making you feel you’re the center of the universe, her smile radiating such a glow, making you believe in what it all could be. Who couldn’t love the sun?

  “Mable. I said this once … Julian has a terrible reputation. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. He’ll only hurt you.” Her eyebrows were tangled in a disapproving manner. She may not have liked what I have to say, but her eyes—I saw it. Mable knew she was with the wrong guy.

  “Maybe he will, but I’m not yours to worry about, Simon.”

  “You’re right, I’m not,” I interjected. “But I do anyway.”

  Mable was the first to break away from our gaze. “Look, Simon, I’m not trying to hurt you … or wanting to throw this in your face.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “It’s just … It was never only about Vanessa or the fact that you lied … Yeah, at first I was furious, and if I’m honest, I was mad with jealousy. Vanessa was ruthless with me. Me, the woman you were supposed to love. I felt it was a big betrayal you chose her over me.”

  “I didn’t choose her, and I’m sorry that you felt that way. I was just trying to help a friend … and yes, even though she didn’t deserve it. But I didn’t do it for her. I did it because I don’t like to see someone in so much pain. This is who I am,” I said. Mable turned, and her eyes met mine. “Why can’t you understand you’re everything to me?”

  She shook her head. “Don’t you see? That’s not what’s keeping us apart. It’s our lives that keep putting us on different paths, and a relationship consists of more than just love. Hell, we would have to live in the same country for this relationship to work, or else what’s the point?” She eagerly gathered her hair up on top her head. “No one is to blame … We’re just not ready to sacrifice the one thing that takes us apart. I thought we were better off.”

  “Are you better off? Because I’m not fucking better without you. After you had said you wanted your space, you completely shut me out like I never existed, like I meant nothing.”

  “That’s not true. You mean the world to me,” she said, and I stifled a laugh. “I love you, but maybe it’s not enough … that’s why I had no choice but to cut ties, because I knew—one look at you and I would be pulled back where we started,” Mable said.

  “Would it be so bad?”

  She revealed the pain on her face. “Let’s drop it.” When she couldn’t find her black elastic, she let her hair fall back on her shoulders in defeat.

  “I don’t believe you want to be with Julian—not when you still love me.” She didn’t protest. “Yeah … you pretend you like it there behind that wall, but I feel a part of you wants me to come and get you. I’m going to try my best. If I can’t, then no one else can.” With my heart stuck in my throat, I started the ignition and slowly drove the vehicle onto the road.

  Two nurses walked by, bringing my attention back. I fed the machine more coins, pressed A3. When the item fell, I reached for it under the lid, placing the chocolate bar in my pocket. My mind went back at that moment in the Jeep. She was leaving, and I was staying. No kiss would have changed the outcome. Here I was, not trying to rewrite the past or invent the future, but I hated when people said that everything happens for a reason. If things are meant to be, then they will surely be …

  As faith had it, my home had a new tenant. But he could always be evicted.

  When my father dozed off again, I went out into the corridor to stretch my legs. That was when I saw him there—the man who I couldn’t get out of my mind, sitting in a seat with his head down. His hair was much longer since I had last seen him. I guess it had been a while.

  “Hey, howya holding up?” His blue eyes filled with tenderness.

  “As good as I can be, I guess. What are you doing here, Simon?” My eyes slightly turned down in the corners. I couldn’t believe he was here.

  He stretched himself up as I got closer. “I wanted to make sure you were okay before I left.” A weak smile touched his lips.

  Left? Where is he off to now? Again?

  After how we ended things in Rwanda, I shouldn’t have been any of his concern, but yet here he was. He knew exactly how to make me fall so hard for him.

  “Simon, I—” I took the seat next to him.

  “It’s all right …” He shook me off. Maybe it was too painful for him to be near me. I should know. “Did you get any results on your dad?” He changed the direction from where I wanted to take us.

  “Not yet.” I looked down at my lap where his hand rested on top of mine. “Have you heard the news? My mother is back—what a twist to this messed-up story.” I realized that I needed someone to talk to, and Simon was always there to listen.

  “Yeah, Gloria filled me in on the details.” He permitted himself to brush the hair from my face.

  “Can you believe it? It seems unreal … After all this time, ‘the most wretched woman’—is my mother? How can I have not known?”

  “Those weren’t the words I used—were they?” He winced. “Sorry, love I wouldn’t have said tho
se things if I knew she was your mother.”

  “It’s all right. I won’t hold it against you.” I leaned back in the chair. “What?” I said. His eyes were transfixed on my face, the look that could get my heart to pick up the pace. His eyes always had a way of doing that, creating some synergy.

  He cleared his throat. “Yeah … now that I look at you, I see the similarity.” I didn’t believe those were the words he wanted to use. I know a cover-up when I see one.

  “Oh, shut up,” I teasingly looked away.

  He caught my eyes and continued. “Love, I know this is hard to gather up, but there’s a silver lining in this,” he said, sounding hopeful.

  “Really? Where?”

  “Maybe there’s a reason this happened. You have a chance to pull your family together. If she wants in, Mable, let her. Everyone makes mistakes, and people do deserve a second shot.”

  I wondered if there was a double meaning in his words, and to be honest, I wanted there to be one.

  “The past is finished; the question is, are you ready to start the future? Who knows, this might work out the second time around.” He smiled.

  “What if it doesn’t?” I murmured.

  “Well, that’s the chance you have to take.”

  When I looked at Simon, I thought this should have been easy, but I guessed love demanded to be earned. Only things worth having come with an attachment of struggles and pain. So why couldn’t I get myself on track with Simon? Back in Rwanda, I had been so close to giving it another try, if only he had persuaded a little harder—but I didn’t want him to think I was the kind of girl who cheated. But then again, I didn’t know if I was the kind of girl that needed to settle a score, either. When I broke things off with Simon, I was hurt and confused, and when the opportunity presented itself, I ran into the arms of the first man who wanted me. I knew Simon despised Julian as much as I despised Vanessa. Maybe I had made mistakes, too.

  “He’s going to be all right.”

  “How do you know?” I asked.

  “Because I have a feeling about these things.”

  Simon looked me over.

  “Oh, before I forget, I have something for you.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a chocolate bar.

  “There you go again, Simon. Always know how to make me feel better.” But this was a bribe; this little treat was to soften the blow. As much as Simon thinks he knows me, I know him better. Simon was leaving me again.

  I was trying to get over jet lag and hadn’t changed my clothing since I left Italy. Which was roughly twenty or twenty-four hours ago. I didn’t know anymore. I was so tired I could fall flat on my face at any minute, but luckily I was sitting quietly in the dark next to Simon in his car.

  “So are you going to tell me what the problem is?” I said. I knew a silent treatment when I saw one.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You haven’t said two words since we got in the car.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “I saw you talking to Gloria before we left. She said something to you?”

  “Nah, it’s not worth getting into … just drop it.”

  “How can it be nothing? Look at the way you’re acting.”

  “You didn’t have to take it off on my account, Mable.” The tone of his voice had caused me some grief.

  “Oh, I see.” I followed his gaze down to my hand. There was a white line on my wedding finger. I had taken the ring off after my trip with Julian from Ibiza, a couple of days before my father was hospitalized. I should have clarified things, but he was such a blockhead, and I didn’t want to give Simon the satisfaction of telling me he was right.

  “Congrats on the upcoming nuptials. When is the big day?” His tone was drier than the Sahara Desert.

  “You could try to be happy for me, Simon.” I looked out the window. I had forgotten how magical New York was at night, the streets filled with people no matter what the hour. I miss this city.

  “All right, I could do that—”

  When I looked back, he gave me the most bogus smile ever, and it almost had me laughing.

  “This is my punishment, right?”

  “Punishment?” I asked.

  “You knew I despised that sorry arse of a man, and you went right for him.” From the tone he used, there was a sense of a long-awaited unfinished business with us.

  “I wasn’t trying to get you back for anything. I’m not devious like Vanessa.” Not intentionally, anyway. “Julian treats me right, if you must know.”

  “Good on ya …” Simon nodded. “He treats everyone good until he gets what he wants. Congratulations. It’s just a matter of time before he’ll drop you like a hotcake.”

  “Screw you, Simon.” I balked, and suddenly I felt my second wind coming along.

  “Well, that’s the best thing you’ve said to me so far,” he said, and I shook my head at him. I was in no mood for any of his shenanigans tonight.

  “Why isn’t Julian here? Hey? Your father’s in the hospital, and he’s nowhere to be found.”

  “What did he ever do to you?” I asked. When the expression on his face fell, I knew. I remembered Simon mentioning once that they had gotten into some ruckus because of a friend.

  “Ah—Vanessa … Oh, of course.” I wiped my palms on my jeans. Just mentioning her name had me perspiring. “So tell me, how is she involved in this?” I held my lips tight.

  He took a long breath before continuing. “Vanessa and Julian had something going on a while back.”

  “Oh, please … I don’t believe that. Julian never said anything about Vanessa.” I gave him a side-glance.

  “No surprise there.” He snorted.

  “Don’t be a hypocrite, Simon. Haven’t you kept things from me too?”

  “Nah, nah, nah—that’s not the same.”

  “Actually for once, you’re right. Who Julian dated in the past is his own damn business. You, on the other hand, were keeping things from me while we were together.”

  “I wasn’t keeping it from you. I—”

  “Whatever … It doesn’t matter now.” I held my hand up. “Okay, so what—they dated.”

  “That’s not the only thing. The relationship ended when Vanessa got pregnant. Julian didn’t want to acknowledge that the baby was his. Instead he tried to push her to get an abortion, Mable,” Simon said, without missing a beat.

  “That’s what she told you? Oh, the girl has more stories than Walt Disney.” I let out a nervous laugh.

  “If she said it, then I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.”

  “You’re a fool, Simon—so you punched him out because you wanted to fight her battles for her?” Simon let out a long breath that only furthered my agitation. “The woman sold you out to a rag magazine after you were trying to help her,” I said. “And here’s something. She doesn’t care about you; she uses you to get herself out of trouble.”

  “What was I to do? She came to my doorstep crying. So I did the only thing I could … I thought the creep deserved it.” He pulled the car to the curb and put it in park.

  “Oh, aren’t you a valiant knight,” I said, opening the passenger door, making my way up the stairs of the apartment I had kept paying rent for all those months. I guessed that, in the back of my mind, I’d known I would be back.

  “If you’ve got something to say to me—then say it. If not, stop acting jealous.” He pulled out my duffel bag from the trunk and followed me up.

  “Who’s jealous?” Obviously, I was envious of whatever hold Vanessa had on him. I should have been over this by now. The hurt. I pushed the front door and it opened to another flight of stairs.

  “I understand Julian might have deserved it, but I’m just disappointed that you thought to resort to violence as your best solution.”

  “Yeah. It might not have been the best option, I agree, but sometimes these things need to be done. It certainly felt great at the time,” he said, with contentment in his voice. I paused in my step and looke
d down at him. I found him grinning. Then I realized why.

  “You’re such a caveman.”

  “Because I’m looking at your ass?”

  “No, because you’re acting like an asshole … I know what you’re trying to do,” I said, picking my keys up off the step. “This is your last attempt to sway me into believing Julian is a despicable human being, but your sister-in-law is no saint, either.”

  I knew none of this was making any sense, because the reason for this fight was absurd. I was mad at Simon for being a good friend to a woman I despised and—him? Well, I wasn’t too sure why he was upset, but I had a feeling that we probably played for the same team. We were hurting and afraid because what we wanted was not up for grabs, and that just left us desperate for something more.

  “You’re getting defensive because now you’ve realized what a prick your fiancée is. And I got news for you. I would do it again.” I felt him standing behind me. “If he ever hurts you …”

  “He won’t do anything, Simon. Stop acting like a possessive ex-boyfriend.”

  He made a sound, coming from the back of his throat that made me turn around, catching his eyes going soft. “Don’t marry him.” His eyes were pleading.

  “Simon.”

  “It’s a mistake, and you know it. You’ll never be happy.”

  “Did you ever think that maybe I am?” I waved my hand around, my eyes heavily set on his. Of course, I would never be—not with anyone else, because my heart was lost on Simon. I wondered if it would always be like this between us, this dark depth of resentfulness. I couldn’t seem to get past it, and he knew it. The truth was never simple, but I realized that I had gone running into Julian’s arms because I wanted to throw cold water on it … the possibility of us. Maybe I didn’t want to be happy. I was tarnished by the past experience.

  He stepped closer and looked at me in a way that made me wish he had enough magic to take us back to where we were—when things were good. “This thing we have going on here—this cat-and-mouse thing … running around in circles. Maybe it’s just a way to distract ourselves from the fact we both know—we are never off the table.”