Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14

by Peterman , Robyn

  I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and waited. The adrenaline pumping through my system was dizzying.

  “With a crayon?” Sarah asked seriously.

  “Could have definitely been a pink crayon,” I said, approaching the trio.

  Sarah’s face lit up when she saw me, and she reached for me. Scooping her from Levi’s careful embrace, I held her close and breathed her in. There were no consequences. No mistakes. I was supposed to be right here. Right now.

  “Pink crayon line from here to here,” Sarah said, drawing an invisible line from the side of her left eye to the corner of her mouth.

  “She did it this morning when she was supposedly out walking the grounds,” Anastasia spat, shaking her head in disgust. “Turning a child is punishable by death. My God, turning a child into a Zombie should be punishable by multiple deaths.”

  “If only that was an option,” I said through clenched teeth. One death would have to do. “I just added offing Catriona to my agenda later this afternoon.” I handed Sarah back to Levi. The need to crawl out of my skin was overwhelming. One thing at a time. One foot in front of the other. Make sure Ethan knows what’s going on. Make sure Sarah is safe. Make sure the new Vampyres are safe. Kill Catriona with my bare hands.

  It was a good and positive list.

  “Boobala McKnockerhooters, the newbies are gettin’ hungry,” Martha said, sounding worried. “We’re gonna have a problem on our hands if we don’t feed ’em.”

  I went on autopilot. “Anastasia, call Ethan. Now. Tell him to put Catriona and Wilhem in the dungeon immediately. Explain why afterwards. Martha and Jane, can you poof the new Vampyres back to the Cressida House without landing in the rose garden?”

  “Yes, we can,” Jane said, looking wildly uncertain.

  “How about I poof with them?” Lizard suggested with a grin. “Safer that way.”

  “Perfect. Take them to Vinnie. He has cases of flavored blood with him. Feed our new people and make sure they have everything they need.”

  “Roger that,” Martha said, gathering the new Vamps close.

  “Lizard, I’m trusting you with something more important than my own life,” I said, nodding to Levi to hand Sarah over to the nutty, beret-wearing Demon. “I want you to poof back with her and not leave her side until I come to you.”

  “It will be an honor,” Lizard said, taking Sarah and blowing a raspberry on her arm.

  Sarah’s delighted giggle floated in the dank air and for a brief moment, I felt true happiness. However, the happiness was fleeting.

  “I can’t get Ethan on the line,” Anastasia said frantically. “And my text won’t go through.”

  Grabbing my phone, I tried Matthew, then Jax, then David. All to no avail. “Change of plans,” I snapped. “Have Vinnie meet you in Hell with the bottled blood. You’ll be safer there.”

  “Vamps can only stay in Hell for a limited time,” Levi reminded me.

  “True,” I agreed. “However, they have several days. I’m not worried. Satan owes me. If they need to stay longer, I’ll call in a favor.”

  “Badass,” Lizard said with a wink. “Let’s go.”

  In a massive flash of shimmering lavender mist, I sent all of the newly turned Vampyres, along with Martha, Jane, Lizard and Sarah, to Hell.

  “One more call,” I insisted to a confused Anastasia and Levi. “And then we poof back to the Cressida House.”

  “To do what?”

  “Not sure what you guys want to do, but I’m going to rip Catriona’s head off her body with my bare hands.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Levi said with a thumbs up.

  “A fine plan indeed,” Anastasia agreed.

  Thankfully, Mother Nature picked up on the first ring.

  “Gigi, did your leg grow back yet?”

  “It did, darling! Do you still need my assistance?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said tersely. “I need you to transport to the Cressida House. Now.”

  “As in right now? This very minute?” she asked, getting a bit hysterical at the tone of my voice.

  “This very second,” I said. “I’ll meet you there in two minutes.”

  “For you, darling, anything,” she shouted in a tizzy as she hung up.

  “Touch me,” I instructed. “We are moving, and we’re moving fast. First priority is Ethan’s safety. If Ethan hasn’t figured out who the bad guys are, which I think he has, we go straight for Catriona and Wilhem. If they’re already in the dungeon, run interference for Mother Nature and me while we send Wilhem’s army back to South America. Anything else… wing it.”

  “This is way more interesting than Hell,” Levi muttered as he took my hand.

  “Maybe you should stick around for a little while then,” I told him.

  He grinned and glanced over at Anastasia, who refused to meet his gaze. “Maybe I will.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t what I arrived home to witness. We had definitely entered the wing-it zone.

  “What the actual fuck?” I muttered as I felt Levi and Anastasia materialize next to me.

  “And then some,” Levi added.

  Over two hundred unfamiliar and highly armed Vampyres stood facing the Cressida House behind a crazed-looking Catriona. Wilhem stood silently next to her with his men flanking them on all sides. One of Catriona’s hands flailed wildly, and the other was possessively on Wilhem’s back.

  We’d landed to the far left side of the palace behind a grove of blossoming apple trees. Unlike Martha and Jane landing in the rose bushes, I’d chosen this spot. Having no clue what was going down, I wanted to arrive under the radar. We were fifty yards from the action.

  Ethan stood about a hundred feet away from his possibly soon-to-be-dead brother with our palace at his back. Behind Ethan stood at least forty Elite Guards. We were outnumbered. However, forty of our men and women were probably worth a thousand of Wilhem’s men.

  “He’s not with her,” Levi said.

  “Who’s not with who?” I asked, not following.

  “Wilhem’s not with his consort.”

  “Looks to me like he’s standing right next to her,” I pointed out.

  “Look at his stance,” Levi said. “It’s odd.”

  “Your leadership is no longer needed or wanted,” Catriona shouted. “Wilhem will bring the North American Dominion together with the South American Dominion. As one, we will rule the entire world!”

  Wilhem’s army cheered. Wilhem didn’t move a muscle.

  “Something is off,” I said, agreeing with my brother. I just didn’t know what it was. “And Carolinainnia has lost her mind.”

  “I will end that bitch,” Anastasia hissed with so much naked venom in her voice, I hated to remind her that I’d already called dibs on Catriona’s head. “Move over here and look from this angle. She has a sliver dagger at Wilhem’s back, aimed at his heart. She’s turned his men against him. Unbelievable.”

  “There you go,” Levi said with smug satisfaction. “I was right.”

  “You win,” I said tightly.

  “What’s her end game?” Levi inquired. “You really believe his entire army has turned on him?”

  “That’s a fine question.” I glanced over at Anastasia. “Thoughts?”

  She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair in agitation. “I want to say that what we see is real,” she said. “However, at this point, I wouldn’t discount anything. My guess would be that she wants Ethan to kill Wilhem. She can cry foul. The South American army attacks and a coup ensues. She’s sown tremendous distrust in Ethan’s people by creating Zombies. It might work.”

  “When Hell freezes over. Fuck,” I said, glancing around wildly. “Does anyone see Mother Nature?”

  “No,” Anastasia said, her body as tight as a wire about to snap. “Where will she land?”

  “She usually arrives with a jungle and slides in on a pole. There’s a fine chance she’s in the G
rand Ballroom wondering what the heck is going on. I forgot to tell her where we would be.”

  “Not nice to fool Mother Nature,” Levi pointed out.

  “I am fully aware that you’re being sarcastic,” I told him with a raised brow. “However, you are correct. We could have so many problems on our hands shortly that no one is going to know what hit them.”

  “Might not be a bad thing,” Anastasia said, still laser focused on Catriona and the silver spike aimed at her brother’s back.

  Hold that thought,” I told her. “Ethan, I’m here. I can see you. Don’t turn around. I’m on the far left side of the palace with Anastasia and Levi. Catriona has a silver dagger at Wilhem’s back.”

  “That information certainly sheds some light on the shitshow,” Ethan growled.

  “Agreed. Also, I think Mother Nature landed in the palace or she poofed somewhere else altogether. Catriona is responsible for the Zombies. She created them herself. I have no clue if Wilhem was in on it.”

  “I’m going to say no to that,” Ethan replied tersely. “His own men have apparently turned on him and now it appears his fucking consort is going to end him on my front lawn.”

  “They’re some seriously bad houseguests,” I said.

  “Understatement,” Ethan said flatly.

  Levi chuckled. I’d forgotten he could hear us.

  “Did you find Walter the jackhole traitor?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Ethan said. “He won’t talk. He’s in the dungeon. Did you eliminate the Zombies?”

  “Not exactly,” I told him.

  His body stiffened. “Define not exactly.”

  “The living dead were halfway turned. I finished the job. The ten Catriona tried to destroy this morning are all Vampyres now.”

  “Oh my God, Astrid,” Ethan choked out. “You bit Zombies?”

  “Yep, and I don’t want to do that anytime soon again. So, what’s the plan here?”

  “At this point, we’re winging it,” Ethan said. “Being that the crazed bitch is holding a silver spike at the ready to shove into my brother’s heart, I think it’s the most prudent plan. He’s an asshole, but I don’t want him dead.”

  “Vampyres are insane,” Levi said. “I don’t see how you idiots stay alive with all the winging you do.”

  “You have a better idea?” I asked.

  “Actually, yes.”

  “Spit it out.”

  “You people have laws. Right?” he asked.

  “Umm… yes,” I said, realizing I had no clue about the minutiae of Vampyre law.

  “We do,” Anastasia confirmed. “Tell me where you’re going with this, Demon.”

  “Well, Vampyre,” Levi shot back coolly. “What’s the punishment when just cause has been served.”

  Anastasia’s smile was positively wicked. “Death.”

  “Just cause,” I said, getting excited. “It was in my dream, and my Baby Demons talked about it. As did Uncle Fucker. That’s it! Do you guys know what it means?”

  Levi rolled his eyes. “Might be different for you wingers.”

  “Probably not,” Anastasia commented dryly. “Notice must be served. A sufficient and fair investigation must take place, witnessed by an unbiased observer. Proof must be presented. If the burden of proof is met, punishment is doled out.”

  “Close enough,” Levi said. “As I see it, the only part missing is the notice and the punishment. The woman turned a child. That alone is enough to put her out of our misery.”

  “You’re awfully fair for a Demon,” Anastasia pointed out.

  “Only on Tuesdays,” he replied sarcastically.

  “It’s Wednesday,” she shot right back.

  “Fuck,” Levi said with a grin and a shrug. “I meant Wednesdays.”

  “An eye for an eye is also on the books,” Anastasia added.

  “No can do,” I said forcefully. “That would mean Sarah would have to fight Catriona. I don’t see that ending well. She’s the only one who actually saw her.”

  “Agreed,” Anastasia said. “We’ll stick with just cause. We still get to kill her.”

  Vamps were a bloodthirsty sort. Today, I was feeling all Vamp.

  “I would be delighted to serve notice right now,” I told them. “Levi, can you call Lizard and have him bring Sarah back. I need to satisfy the burden of proof.”

  “You sure you want Sarah here?” Levi asked.

  I closed my eyes. We could potentially end this with no violence if we could prove to Wilhem and his army what Catriona had done. Sarah was a Vampyre now—she was my Nana. Nana would want to take down the bad guy. I had to assume baby Nana was the same. “She saw Carolinainnia. She can identify her. As long as eye for an eye is off the table, we can keep her safe.”

  “On it,” Levi said, walking away so he wouldn’t be overheard. “But I’m going to request extra Demon backup for Sarah.”

  “Perfect,” I said, even though I knew I was all the backup Sarah would need. If necessary, I would end every single Vamp from the South American Dominion to keep Nana safe. However, doing it the legal way would ensure that the undead who took issue with my and Ethan’s leadership wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. “Anastasia, seeing as how you’re not a citizen of the North American Dominion and you witnessed the investigation, would you be so kind as to verify that the investigation was thorough and fair?”

  “Hell to the yes,” she growled.

  “But first, go get Walter. He might be useful,” I instructed. “He’s in the dungeon. You can’t miss it—totally typical dungeon. Play stupid with him. Pretend you’re breaking him out. Be worried about Catriona. Get him to talk.”

  “You are absolutely brilliant,” Anastasia said, pulling out her cell phone and hitting the record button. “I’m on it.”

  She poofed away in an icy pink mist.

  “Where did Miss Hoity-Toity go?” Levi asked, glancing around.

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I eyed him. “You like her.”

  “I don’t like her. She’s a fucking Vampyre.”

  “I’m a fucking Vampyre,” I reminded him.

  His eye roll was Oscar worthy. “I have no plans on fucking either one of you, literally or figuratively. I’m a Demon. I don’t do Vamps.”

  “Are you speciesist?” I demanded.

  “That’s not even a word,” he replied.

  “Actually, it is. Even if it weren’t, you know what I mean.”

  “Yes, I know what you mean. And I’m not answering you. We have far more important shit to handle at the moment. You feel me?”

  “My line.”

  “Our line,” he corrected me with a grin that made me smile for real. “I think you have some notice to serve. Lizard will be here soon. Let’s get this fucked-up party started before Ethan loses a brother to a bitch.”

  “You love me,” I said smugly as I grabbed his hand in preparation to transport us into the shitshow.

  “You seem quite sure of yourself,” Levi replied archly.

  “That’s because I am. You can’t help yourself. I’m fabulous.”

  “And humble,” he pointed out with a grin.

  “I’m half Demon,” I told him with an eye roll. “It’s to be expected.”

  On that killer retort, I squeezed his hand and poofed us right into the middle of the action. The party was about to get wild.

  Chapter Eighteen

  In a shower of purple sparkles, Levi and I materialized right next to Ethan. The love of my undead life acknowledged me with a wink.

  “Love you,” I told Ethan.

  “Love you more,” he replied.

  “No mushy shit. I can hear you people,” Levi grumbled.

  “Your problem, not mine,” I told my brother. “Stop eavesdropping.”

  “If only,” Levi muttered.

  “Nice of you to show up,” Catriona hissed, starring daggers at me.

  “Sooooo sorry,” I said, slapping my forehead. “I was showing Lord Wrangler Tough Skins around Kentucky this aft
ernoon and we had a flat tire. Had to walk back because the spare was flat too. Took us hours. My bad.”

  She stared at me like I was nuts. “Is that why you look and smell like Hell, Princess?” she asked as the army behind her roared with laughter. Wilhem’s face stayed neutral and he stood as still as a statue.

  “She must have banged all of them,” I told Ethan and Levi. “That wasn’t funny at all.”

  “Nope, it’s guts. I must smell like the living dead,” I said with a dingy laugh, hoping to throw her off her game. With the dagger at Wilhem’s back, we needed her to move. I could zap her into oblivion with my eyes shut, but it was too risky. If she fell forward before she burned to ash, Wilhem was a goner as well. I still wasn’t positive Ethan’s brother was innocent, but I didn’t want his death on my hands. As long as Catriona left the world today, I was good. “Wrangler wanted to go deep-sea fishing. Since we don’t have an ocean in Kentucky, we zipped out to California for a bit. You know, regular Tuesday afternoon fun.”

  “Wednesday,” Levi corrected me.

  “It’s actually Tuesday,” Ethan chimed in.

  “Are you fucking serious?” Levi asked with a chuckle.

  “Yes.”

  “Your sister busted on me,” Levi said with a shake of his head.

  Catriona’s eyes grew wide for a split second at the mention of the living dead and California, but she recovered quickly. “You see what I’m talking about?” she demanded, focusing on the Vampyres standing in solidarity behind Ethan and me. “Your leaders are insane. You have Zombies running rampant, and you’re being taxed for no reason. They’re stealing from you and letting Vampyre-eating Zombies kill our kind. Wilhem and I will not let that happen.”

  She was barking up the wrong tree. The Elite Guard was loyal to us.

  “Join me… and Wilhem,” she urged. “We have the strongest army in the Universe. South America and North America shall become even stronger together.”