Faithless

by Amanda Bennett

  "You went in?"

  "I did."

  "Well I would say that's progress. Did you have flashbacks of the times with your father at the beach?"

  "Yes, and that's what caused the breakdown. I made my way back to the deck and collapsed, but I cried, so I guess that's a good thing. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but this morning started out okay. That was until I ran into Tristan at the local market. Oh and did you know that Blake signed herself out?"

  "Yes, I did. I was waiting to see you today before I told you. I'm not sure where she went, but she left shortly after you. So, how did things go with Tristan?"

  I watched as Mr. Rollins made notes in his small pad of paper as I spoke. "It was fine at first. A lot of residual feelings came to the surface when I saw him, but I think I handled them well. It wasn't until I saw him with this girl Nancy, that I lost control of my emotions. After that, I basically told him to leave me alone, for good."

  "And is that what you really want?" I shook my head, but didn't say anything. "Riley, life with Tristan is going to be complicated, but you have to decide whether or not it's worth the risk. Now, not to discard that situation, because we will definitely get back to that, but let's start with your past for now."

  I hesitantly nodded my head, "What do you want to know?" This was the part I was dreading the most, but if it meant I was free of that place then I was willing to answer any questions he had.

  "Let's start with the first foster home you remember. Tell me about your experience there."

  "Well, the first home I remember was actually quite nice. The mom and dad were amazing people. They rarely yelled and they only had two other kids, so I even had my own room. I think I was maybe four or five, but I didn't get to stay there long."

  "And why is that?"

  "Well from what I can remember, the dad got laid off and the mom was just a homemaker, they couldn't support me and their actual kids, so they gave me back."

  "How did that make you feel?"

  I gave Mr. Rollins a disgusted look. "Really? I need you to try and not shrink me Mr. Rollins, or this is going to go nowhere. I need to feel as though I'm talking to a friend not a shrink."

  "Dully noted. You still have to answer the question though." He smiled.

  "I don't know, sad I guess. I don't think I knew any better at the time."

  "Okay well that's a real mature answer, Riley. Now tell me about your second home."

  "Do we really have to go through all of them, there's a lot?"

  "I know Riley, but I'm trying to find a point in your life when it triggered your suicidal thoughts."

  "Well we can skip right to that if ya want."

  "You know when it started?"

  "Yeah, why? Is that unusual?"

  "Kind of, yeah. Most people want to bury those thoughts or even deny that they ever had them."

  "Well I'm not denying anything. The night that I ended up on that cliff, that wasn't the first time I wanted to end my life. I have thought about it since I was ten."

  "Now, what triggered it? That's a really young age to want to kill yourself."

  "His name was Gavin. He was fifteen, and I was only ten. He was one of the older siblings in my third foster home." I sat back and crossed my feet over one another. "He was really nice when I first showed up, and he even introduced me to a lot of his friends. Nothing happened until after my third month there. His parents were rarely ever home and almost always left him in charge of the rest of us."

  "And how many of there were you, not counting their actual children?"

  "There were five of us and then their two kids Gavin and Gabby. Gabby was thirteen and was almost always at her friend's house. One night Gavin snuck into my room. I thought he just couldn't sleep and wanted to hang out until he could fall asleep, but man was I wrong. That night he didn't do too much, but touch me a little bit. I tried to scream out, but he covered my mouth with his hand and told me that this is how I would be able to stay at their house with them. I had already been to two other homes and I really didn't want to move again, so I listened to him." I glanced up at Mr. Rollins who was still scribbling notes down on his pad, so I continued.

  "The next night was the first night he raped me. He had brought duct tape in with him and his small wooden baseball bat. You know the ones you get at baseball games?" Mr. Rollins nodded. "He put the tape over my mouth before he rolled me over burying my face in the pillow. He said it was so I wouldn't scream." I stopped, trying to catch my breath. I had never told anybody what I was telling Mr. Rollins and it was overwhelming.

  "How many times a week would this happen?"

  I let my eyes flutter shut as I tried to regain my composure and talk about it without being affected. When I opened them back up, Mr. Rollins was staring at me. "Sometimes it was only twice a week and sometimes it was four or five times. I don't remember all of them."

  "I think you do, Riley. I think you do, and that's why you're trying to generalize it all. You're emotionally disconnecting yourself from it and I need you to connect with it. The only way you're ever going to get better and heal, is to deal with it head on."

  "I have dealt with it. That's precisely why I don't want to talk about it. It's pointless."

  "It's not pointless Riley. It made you who you are today and obviously you're not happy with who you are today."

  "That's not true." I sat straight up and pulled my knees to my chest.

  "Do you see how you just reacted to that? I've watched you closely over the last month and whenever you don't want to deal with something or when something "real" comes up, you shut down. You pull your knees to your chest and you shut down. Don't shut down Riley."

  I untangled my arms from around my knees and slowly placed my feet back on the ground. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

  "Riley, do you blame your parents for what happened to you?"

  I shook my head, even though I did. "Of course I do. If they would've just figured their shit out, then I wouldn't have been stuck in that shit hole, and I wouldn't have been around for that dickhead to do what he wanted with me." Now I was getting angry. "I guess now things have changed a bit, but yeah, I still kind of blame them. More so my father than my mother, now that I know what I know."

  "And what is that?"

  I reached into my back pocket and retrieved the letter my mother had sent me. I knew Mr. Rollins wanted to read it, so I just let him. I sat back and watched him as he took in every word just like I had, in shock. It wasn't long before he was asking a whole new round of questions.

  "First, I'm sorry for your loss Riley. Losing a parent is terrible all in itself, but knowing that that person was wrongly accused and you never got the chance to even know the truth, well I can only guess at how that would make you feel."

  "It pisses me off, that's what. Why didn't she reach out to me sooner? She had ample opportunity to find me, to save me."

  "Is that what you wanted or want now, Riley? To be saved?"

  "No. I don't think so. Look, I know I had a shitty childhood and I can't blame my mother for that, but it just seems unfair. I met her lawyer Nancy yesterday. She had known my mom since she was ten. She knew what kind of person she was, and as much as I want to believe that she was a horrible person, I get the feeling that she was actually quite amazing. Even her neighbor thought so."

  "Do you think maybe she had tried to find you before now?"

  "No."

  "Not at all?"

  "No." I firmly crossed my arms over my chest.

  "Okay. So tell me more about the third foster home. Something must've happened, because eventually you were put into another home, right?"

  "Yeah. I finally told the mom. I didn't want to, but he started getting physically abusive with me. I had just turned eleven. They didn't throw me a party or anything, but we had cake and I was just excited that someone wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. After cake, the parents sent us outside to play. I was swinging on the metal swing set out back when Gavin
grabbed the chains and pulled the swing back to him. Before I knew what was going on, he had punched me in my back and pushed me to the ground. That was also the day I broke my wrist. I made up some excuse about how I fell playing, but I think the mom knew better."

  I took in a deep breath and glanced at the small clock on the wall.

  "Don't worry about the time. I had you blocked out for two hours today."

  "Okay." I whispered. I turned and lay back on the small decorative pillow that was next to me. Flashes of those memories flew through my mind and I was starting to feel queasy.

  "Please, continue Riley."

  "After that day, the abuse only got worse and it started happening more often than not. I tried to fight back plenty of times, but that only seemed to fuel his fire. Six months after my birthday and the wrist incident, he came into my room one night with his bat again. He duct taped my mouth like always, but before he forced himself on me, he decided to take the bat to my ribs, shins and back. I couldn't tell you how many bones broke, because afterwards he raped me again and then left. The next morning I stumbled downstairs and told the mom everything that had been happening. She blamed me, just like Gavin said she would. Needless to say, I went to another home."

  "I'm so sorry, Riley. I can tell that these memories are painful, but I'm glad you're actually opening up. That's a huge step for someone like you."

  "Someone like me?" I was confused.

  "Yes, victims."

  "Let's get one thing straight here, Mr. Rollins. I'm not nor will I ever be, a victim. It happened, I dealt with it and I'm stronger and more cautious now because of it."

  "Okay, if that's the case then how many relationships have you had Riley?"

  "You mean romantic ones?"

  "Yes."

  I rolled my eyes in irritation. "Two. No wait, one. Um..."

  "That's what I thought. Don't you see? You may have dealt with this in your own way, but you've never gotten over it. It still haunts you, I can tell. You haven't had a relationship with anyone because you don't know how. Am I wrong?"

  "I know how to have a relationship. I just chose not to."

  "Why? Don't you get lonely?"

  "Sure, who doesn't get lonely at times? Relationships scare me though, friendships too."

  "Why?"

  "Because they make people vulnerable and I won't allow myself to be vulnerable again, ever."

  "Riley, vulnerability isn't always a bad thing. When you meet the right person, you're supposed to be a little bit vulnerable. It allows people to love you and trust you."

  "I don't need to be loved or trusted."

  "Sure you do. We all do. You must've trusted Tristan at one point, because you told him some things before you started opening up in group. Am I right?" I nodded in agreement.

  "So what was it about Tristan that made you feel as though you could trust him?"

  I shrugged my shoulders. "Honestly, I don't know. He made me feel safe. He never judged me for my past, even though he doesn't even know the half of it, but there was never any judgment."

  "I see. So then I guess we come to present day. What emotions ran through you when you read your mother's letter?"

  "Fear, pain, agony, hate, disgust and love."

  "Love, really?"

  "Yes. Knowing that it wasn't her who never wanted me, made me feel loved. For the first time since I had remembered my mother, I loved her in return. Though I was pissed because she hadn't sought me out sooner, I still loved her knowing that she had thought of me everyday."

  "That's very big of you. Most people wouldn't be able to forgive so quickly."

  "Wait, I never said I forgave her."

  "But loving someone you barely knew, is forgiveness in a sense. Now why can't you forgive Tristan?"

  "I don't know Mr. Rollins. I don't think I'm ready to. He hurt someone that I care about for no reason, other than he felt threatened. What's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me?"

  "Do you really think he would hurt you physically?"

  "No, but the look he had in his eyes was one I don't ever want to see again."

  "Because of Gavin?"

  I shuttered at hearing his name spoken aloud. "I suppose so."

  "Okay, so moving on. How was it sleeping at your mother's old house?"

  "It was, weird. I'm not used to living the way that she apparently lived. Everything is so big and nice, and I'm a simple girl. I don't need much, but it's almost as if she planned out the rest of my life for me."

  "How so?"

  "She left me a brand new car for Christ’s sake. Not only that, she left me money and a lot of it. I don't want her money or her possessions. I just want-"

  Mr. Rollins leaned forward on his knees and put his paper down. "What do you want, Riley?"

  If that wasn't the question of the century. "I just want to be happy and to know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally."

  Mr. Rollins sat back, pondering that. I couldn't tell what he was thinking like usual. He seemed deep in thought and it scared me just a bit. "Riley, do you think you're ready for all of that?"

  "Of course I am. Why would you ask that?"

  "Because you have a man who, from what I can tell, loves you more than he loves himself. Which in itself isn't healthy for him, but I'm not his doctor, so that's not really relevant. That man has defended your honor and has tried to show you the love that you so desperately crave, but you push him away every chance you get. So, I'll ask you again. Do you think you're ready for love or to be happy?"

  A stray tear slid down my cheek and I didn't wipe it away. I needed to cry. I needed to feel the emotions that I kept bottled up. After the first tear fell, at least a thousand followed. Mr. Rollins handed me a Kleenex and sat back in his chair with his pad and paper in hand. "Riley, in my professional opinion, I would say that you think you're ready, but you're not open to it quite yet. Just think about that. Well, I think that's time for today. Have you scheduled your appointment for next week yet?"

  I shook my head.

  "Good, let's have you come back tomorrow afternoon. I think we're finally getting somewhere and I'm afraid if we wait too long, you'll start to shut down again. Make an appointment for tomorrow and we will pick up where we left off. Sound good?"

  "Yeah." I sighed. "Oh, Mr. Rollins?"

  "Yes?"

  "How's London doing?" I hated myself for asking. I knew he wasn't supposed to discuss other patients with me, but technically he wasn't his patient.

  "He is actually being released in about an hour. I actually need to head to the hospital to arrange for in home care for him."

  I stood and fixed my pants and sweater. I gave Mr. Rollins a nod and made my way over to the door, but stopped just as I was reaching for the doorknob. "Would it be possible for me to take care of him?" My question surprised Mr. Rollins, but I could tell he was contemplating it.

  "Maybe we should ask London what he wants to do. Would you like to follow me over there now?"

  I nodded and we both exited the room together. He advised his receptionist to clear the rest of his day that he would be back tomorrow. We rode down the elevator in silence, but as we walked out to our cars in the parking garage Mr. Rollins grabbed my shoulder.

  "Why are you doing this, Riley?"

  "Because everyone deserves to have someone." I simply replied.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Riley

  Once we arrived at the hospital, I began to regret my decision. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to help take care of someone else. Hell, I could barely take care of myself. I locked up the car and made my way over to Mr. Rollins who was waiting for me by the elevator. I wasn't sure what to say or what I was getting myself into, but London deserved to have someone take care of him.

  We reached the second floor and I followed Mr. Rollins down the long white hallway until we reached a nurses station. "Is London still in room 312?"

  "Yes, go ahead and head back Dr. Rollins."

  "Thank you." />
  We walked down another long hallway, then took a right and came face to face with London's room. "What if he doesn't want to see me?" I whispered from Mr. Rollins’ side.

  "Trust me, I think he will be over the moon that you're here."

  He patted my back and then guided me into the room. The curtain was pulled back so I couldn't see London just yet, but an overwhelming sadness swept over me as I remembered how he had gotten here in the first place. Mr. Rollins pulled back the curtain and London stood by the window, pulling on his shirt. My eyes were instantly drawn to his upper body. His muscles were chiseled and clearly defined and my eyes refused to move. It wasn't until London cleared his throat, that I was able to look at his face. He was black and blue all over and you couldn't see his beautiful features. Both eyes were puffy and his jaw had a red line going from the bottom of his ear to the tip of his chin. Tristan had caused more damage than either of us had realized.

  I half ran over to London's side, wrapping my arms around his waist. I gave him a tight squeeze and he winced in pain. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot about your ribs. Are you okay?"

  "Yeah." He answered through gritted teeth, and then I remembered Mr. Rollins telling me about his jaw.

  "It looks painful."

  "It is."

  "I'm so sorry, London. I wish I could take all your pain away. It's not fair that I put you in this position." I hung my head, ashamed of my actions.

  London's finger slid beneath my chin, raising it enough so that I was now looking right into his swollen eyes. "This wasn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself."

  I nodded, not because I agreed with him, but because I didn't want to cause him any further pain by arguing with him.

  "What are you doing here?" It was a little hard to understand him because of his jaw, but I was sure trying my damnedest.

  "She wanted to take you home and see if you would be open to letting her nurse you back to health. Obviously a home nurse would still need to come by, but as your doctor, I'm okay with it as long as you are?"

  "Yeah, of course I am. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again." He muttered.