Arsen

by Mia Asher

  He really does.

  To hide my smile, I bend under the table to retrieve my pencil and hear him mutter something that I can’t quite catch. It makes me smile bigger. Some people would call what we’re doing flirting, but Arsen flirts with everyone and his off color jokes are really one of the highlights of my day.

  Once I sit back in my seat, his eyes soften when they land on my face.

  “How are you feeling, Dimples? Baby kicking yet?” Arsen asks as he half sits on the corner of my desk that’s closest to him, blue sincerity sparkling through his eyes.

  With my first trimester almost over, my barely there bump has begun to show a little. Really, if you weren’t paying close attention you wouldn’t be able to see it, but I can, and what’s even better is that I can feel it.

  I love it.

  I touch my belly for a moment and feel my smile grow wider as I remember Ben’s words this morning while we were in bed.

  Kiss, kiss, kiss.

  As I lie on my back pretending to be asleep, I feel Ben spreading soft kisses on my belly. I smile and open my eyes to observe my husband as he admires the small bump growing in me. Tingly and warm fuzzy feelings crowd my heart. There’s so much love in those eyes of his. So much hope.

  I watch him as he gently lowers his hand to touch it. “Hello there, little princess. This is your daddy wishing his beautiful girls a good morning.” His voice is husky from sleep and deep emotion.

  “How do you know it’s a girl? What if he’s a boy? Will you be disappointed?” I move my free hand to cover his.

  “Hmm. Good question. I don’t know why I think she’s a girl. I just do. Maybe I want to be surrounded by beautiful girls for the rest of my life.” He grins and moves to lie down next to me, kissing my shoulder as he pulls me within his embrace. “But I would never be disappointed if the baby is a boy because it’s part of you, part of me. It’s our baby. Your gift to me.”

  “I’m feeling great, thank you for asking, and it’s still too early to feel the baby kick. According to Dr. Pajaree, I won’t feel the baby move until I’m close to eighteen weeks.” I take a deep breath as I try to bury the panic and fear I feel every time I think about how close we are to the end of the first trimester. “I’m only ten weeks, so I still have a ways to go.” The light mood is gone, replaced by a gloomy silence. I don’t want to smile and tease Arsen anymore. I actually don’t want to talk to anyone.

  I hate this fear.

  This uncertainty.

  I look away and stare at the computer screen. “Uh, Arsen, I think you should go back to your cubicle. The day just started, and we have a lot of work to do. Amy needs to go over some paperwork with me before she leaves on her trip next week. Would you mind getting back to work?” I say, rudely dismissing him.

  I don’t bother to look in his direction, so I assume that he has already left when he startles me by sitting on his hunches next to my seat. Spinning my chair to face him, he puts his hands on the armrests, blocking my exit.

  “Hey, hey. Catherine. Here, look at me. Talk to me.”

  I shake my head and stare down at my lap. “Arsen, please. Leave. I don’t want to talk to you, okay?”

  “No, it’s not fucking okay. Something is obviously bothering you. I want to know what it is so I can help. Want me to call Amy?” He pauses for a moment while he considers his next word carefully. “Ben?”

  “No. It’s nothing, and I am fine. Please, just get your work done.”

  He seems to accept my answer, and I’m about to breathe a sigh of relief thinking that he’s given up.

  “No. I know you. I won’t leave this place until you tell me what’s the matter.”

  Looking up, I notice the stubborn expression in his face. It reminds me of a determined young boy trying to build his first tower of Legos. I lower my gaze to my lap once more to avoid staring at him.

  “Just back off, okay?” My voice is desperate now. I’m trying to hold back the angry tears I feel growing at the back of my throat. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, or if I’ve just lost my mind. At times I can be so happy, then something triggers a memory of my past miscarriages to resurface, and I’m enveloped in darkness once more. Anger is always there, waiting to bring me down with heavy chains of fear.

  “Look at me, Catherine. Please look at me—”

  “Good morning! Oh, Arsen…I didn’t see you there. Cathy?” Arsen and I turn to face Amy at the same time. She’s standing there, holding two cups of Starbucks coffee in her hands. The odd expression in her face lets me know that whatever was going on between Arsen and me must look worse than it actually is. I disregard Arsen, push his hands off the armrests, and stand.

  After I’ve made my way around the desk, I grab the coffee that Amy brought for me and guide her towards her office. She shoots me a look loaded with questions, but I ignore them. I don’t want to talk about it.

  It’s not what she thinks.

  As we are about to cross the threshold of her office, I hear a frustrated groan escape Arsen. I turn around and watch him stand up, shaking the dust off his clothes and straightening his pants. When our eyes meet, I don’t know if I see compassion in his eyes or sympathy, but it makes me feel like shit for treating him so badly. Quickly, I tell Amy to go ahead because I forgot to get something from my desk. Halfway there, Arsen makes his way to stand in front of me.

  “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that,” I say.

  “This isn’t over, Dimples. I’m taking you out for lunch, and you’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on with you. One moment you’re happy, smiling and looking so damn pretty. The next, we talk about your baby and you’re gone, replaced by a bitch, and I don’t like it. You’re going to tell me what is the matter. I thought that was our deal, you talk, I listen, no bullshit. And I won’t take no for an answer, so don’t even think about it.”

  His eyes…

  The way they are looking at me now makes me want to tell him all my fears. They make me believe that he can be a friend who will listen to me and not tell me that everything will be fine. That he’ll understand what it’s like to have such consuming fear that it will destroy you; what I can’t share with Ben. I feel my heartbeat speed up as I nod.

  I’ll take a chance on Arsen.

  “It’s the baby…I’m so scared. The date is coming up, a-and what if something happens again?” I whisper.

  “Fucking hell. We gotta talk about this. Meet me for lunch?” he asks as he rubs my arms tenderly.

  “I can’t. I’m meeting Ben for lunch, but we could talk after work?”

  “Tell him you’re busy. Say that a lunch meeting came up.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Dimples, it’s just lunch. It won’t kill him to eat on his own.”

  “No, no, no. It’s not that. I just don’t feel comfortable lying to him.”

  I don’t. I have never lied to him.

  “Then forget it,” he says as he begins to walk away from me.

  As I watch Arsen leave, I realize that I don’t want him to. I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. He’s the only person I can do that with.

  “Wait!”

  Arsen turns around. “Yes, Dimples?”

  “I’ll call Ben…”

  “So we have a date?” A slow grin appears on his face, blinding me with his beauty.

  “Not a date. Lunch,” I clarify.

  “Fucking awesome. I have the best place to take you to.”

  “Nowhere fancy, please. I-I just want to talk…”

  “No worries, beautiful. I can eat for the two of us.” A winsome smile appears on his face, making him appear so much younger than he is.

  “Whatever. Get your ass to work now. Or I will tell your father that you flirt with the interns and old married ladies like me.”

  He pins me down with blue liquid fire again. “They love it. And so do you, but watch it. Smiling at me like that may give you more wrinkles than you already have.”

  “Asshole.”


  “Only for you, Dimples,” he says, grinning.

  Inside Amy’s office, I close the door behind me and watch her going over some paperwork. It’s not until I make my way to her desk that I realize that I’m still smiling.

  When Amy looks up from her seat, she watches me as I sit in one of the free chairs facing her desk.

  I smile at her. “Good morning, dear. Thank you for the coffee.”

  After a pause, Amy decides to go for the kill. “Cathy, what is going on between you and Arsen? I hope I didn’t walk in on anything that I would so do with that boy. You know, because I’m not married and you are…” She lets the last words hang in the air.

  As if I didn’t know that.

  As if I would cheat on Ben.

  “Seriously, Amy? You really think I would do something like that? Cheat on my husband, a husband who I love? Arsen and I are only friends. And he’s younger than me on top of everything. Besides, you forget that he’s been dating that actress from that t.v. show. Melissa something.”

  Amy listens to me while considering her answer. “I know you wouldn’t. At least, I hope you wouldn’t. Ben adores you. It’s just that…I don’t know. The way Arsen was looking at you made me feel very uncomfortable. He was looking at you as if…well, I’m not sure, but let me tell you something. It did not look friendly at all. And he is not that young, Cathy. He is twenty five.”

  “Twenty four,” I interrupt her.

  She shoots me a questioning glance. “Whatever. He could be eighteen and still be very dangerous. He’s just so fuckable and gorgeous. An excellent combination to find in a man when you’re single. Listen, Cathy, I don’t want to sound accusatory or anything. Just be careful with him, okay? I’ve been there and done that. It always starts as a fun way to pass the time, light banter, innocent flirting…until it is not.”

  I’m about to protest when Amy lifts a staying hand, not letting me continue. “No, Cathy. It’s not my business, so you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m your friend, and because of that I’m warning you…just in case.”

  As much as I want to disregard her words as nonsense and throw them back in her face, I know she’s not totally unfounded. Remembering the restaurant incident, I can’t deny she’s somehow right. It happened, but it’s all in the past. Arsen hasn’t made a move on me since he told me he wouldn’t. And he flirts and teases every woman in the office.

  No, she’s wrong.

  “I know I don’t owe you any explanations, but I don’t want you to think badly of him either. He’s a good guy. What you saw earlier in the morning was Arsen trying to comfort me, to get me to talk to him.” I twist my fingers. “He was asking me about the baby, and something he said, or maybe I said it, but it made me realize how close I am to the end of my first trimester. A-And it always happens right around this time. Talking about it with Arsen brought on one of my dark moods. He was just trying to figure out what happened.”

  As the words leave my mouth, I know they are true. Nothing more than a concerned friend comforting another friend.

  “Oh, Cathy! I’m such a cow. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. I just saw Arsen practically caging you in your seat looking at you with such intensity that I jumped to conclusions.” She stands up, makes her way to my seat, and hugs me.

  “It’s okay, you silly woman. I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold your tongue. It was a matter of time. And I wouldn’t explain myself to you if I had something to hide. Besides, Arsen doesn’t deserve your suspicions. He’s a good guy.”

  Amy lets go and moves to sit next to me. She reaches over our seats to hold my hand in hers. “I know he’s a good guy. He’s actually quite sweet, but I just don’t trust him. Sometimes, when he thinks no one is watching him I notice the way he looks at you.”

  “What do you mean? He doesn’t look at me any differently that he looks at you,” I say.

  She grows quiet before speaking once more. “You know what? Forget I said anything…I must be imagining things.”

  “But.”

  “But nothing. Enough about him. I’m sure it’s all in my imagination. Tell me, love, how are you feeling? I bet Ben is over the moon!”

  With one of my hands in hers, I cover my stomach with my free hand, tenderly stroking the small piece of heaven inside me. “We’re okay. Ben is, as always, the rock I need to lean on when the going gets rough. I mean, so far this pregnancy has been super easy, but there are times when this choking fear that I will lose the baby paralyzes me. And it comes out of nowhere most of the time.

  “Amy, sometimes, I get these panic attacks and I cry. I can’t stop crying. I’m so afraid, but Ben is always there to clean my tears, hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect husband. I don’t know what I would do without him. I love him so much.” My chest tightens at the thought of his support. How can someone be worthy of such a man as my husband? I don’t think I will ever be.

  “I’m glad you have Ben, babe. I’m glad you’re at a better place in your marriage.”

  Amy is silent for a moment. “Cathy, I don’t want to be negative, and I know what Dr. Pajaree has told you, but have you, um, considered what will happen if you, um, have another miscarriage?”

  I have. It would destroy me.

  Completely.

  “Yes. We’ll be okay. Dr. Pajaree told us not to think about baby names yet, so in a way I’m kind of prepared if it happens again,” I lie.

  I’m not prepared for it to happen a fourth time.

  I am not.

  It would be the end.

  While I wait for Arsen to finish up with work, I give Ben a quick call. To be honest, I waited until the last minute because I wasn’t sure whether I was going to go through with it. I know it’s just lunch, but lying to Ben about Arsen makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I’m hiding something from him, which I’m not. But the nagging feeling is there.

  After one ringtone, Ben answers.

  “Babe.”

  I swallow hard as I rub my free hand on my black skirt, wiping the sweat away. “Ben, baby, I-I have to cancel lunch today. Amy said that Bruno wants to have a lunch meeting with the two of us.”

  “That’s perfect. I was about to give you a call to let you know that I wasn’t going to make it. Micky needs me to go over some files with him. Raincheck, wife?”

  “Oh, yes. That’s great. I don’t feel so bad anymore.” And I don’t. “I thought you were going to get stuck eating by yourself.”

  “I planned on having my wife for lunch, but…”

  “Ben!” I exclaim.

  Ben chuckles. “It’s alright, babe. Kerry is bringing us lunch.”

  “Is she the new intern you always talk about?” I ask.

  I’m curious because about two weeks ago when I met Ben at his office, I saw a beautiful auburn haired girl talking to him, and the way she was looking at him implied deep admiration. I kind of got the feeling that she had a crush on him.

  “Yes. Graduated from Columbia Law as well. I like her. She’s a nice girl and learns fast. Anyway, how about I take you to our Thai place for dinner to make it up to you?”

  “Sure.”

  “Oh, before I forget. I heard from Julian.”

  “That’s lovely! How is he doing? Is LA treating him well?”

  “He told me he met someone and—”

  “Are you ready to go?” I hear Arsen ask.

  I look up from my desk to see Arsen standing in front of me without his suit jacket, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up at the elbows. His blond hair, a mess, is pointing in all directions. It looks like he’s been tugging it.

  “Who is that?” Ben asks on the other line.

  “Oh, that’s Arsen, Bruno’s son. He’s here to let me know that the meeting is about to begin. I-I’ve got to go.” The lie rolls off my tongue.

  “I’ve got to go as well. I’ll see you later.”

  “Wait!” I say, stopping Ben from hanging up. I turn t
o look at Arsen as he slowly lifts the frame with my wedding picture in it and holds it in his hand, an indecipherable air surrounding him as he examines the picture.

  “Yes?” Ben asks.

  I want to tell him that there’s no lunch meeting, but I don’t. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, babe. Always.”

  After I hang up, I watch Arsen tracing the photograph with his thumb.

  “Please tell me this isn’t your husband. You’re too beautiful for him,” Arsen says as he puts the picture back on my desk.

  Dismissing his commentary as a joke, I ask, “So where are you taking me?”

  “It’s a surprise. I told Amy that we need the whole afternoon off, though.”

  “What? No! I have so much work to do.”

  “It’s fine. I kinda told her you had an appointment with your doctor and that I was going to take you there.”

  “Arsen! Those are more lies!”

  “Chill. It’ll be fun. It’s just one afternoon. It won’t kill anyone.”

  “What am I going to tell Ben?”

  “He doesn’t have to know. And what the fuck? I’m just taking you out to eat. You can go home after we’re done. No harm done.”

  “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

  And really, what’s the harm in it?

  “Your apartment is empty, Arsen. Do you ever do anything else other than sleep in here?” I say as I sit down in his black leather couch.

  At first, when I found out he was bringing me back to his place, I was uncomfortable with the idea. But upon closer examination, I didn’t think this

  was any different from spending time with him alone in his apartment than in my office after everyone had already left for the day while we worked on projects. And it wasn’t like he was some random stranger. He was Arsen. My friend. And I needed to talk to him before this fear made me lose my mind completely.