Arsen

by Mia Asher

So much.

  Feeling my belly, I speak to the room and to our baby, “We are very lucky to have him, you know.”

  Monday it will be twelve weeks. Can we make it past?

  I hope so.

  “Please, don’t leave me little one. Don’t leave us.”

  We need you.

  There’s nothing more delicious than waking up in the arms of your husband after a good night’s sleep. The luscious comfort of his skin against yours rubbing intimately together, feeling your flesh awaken by his possessive touch while your own gentle one drives him to perdition. Your body and his body fitting together like two pieces in a carnal puzzle.

  Warm steel-like arms tighten around my midsection, shackling me to him. Turning around within his embrace, I push my body closer to the human wall, snuggling closer to him. Softly, I spread kisses on his naked chest, letting my tongue trace the outer ring of his nipple, lingering between the ripples of his muscles. As I taste the salty sweetness of his skin, I’m falling in love all over again with his flavor. I feel Ben’s arms letting go of me as his hands lift my silky nightshirt, and remove it completely. With only my panties on, and nothing on him, we gaze at one another, our breathing the only sound you can hear in the room.

  Ben caresses the length of my curves with the back of his hand as he tenderly smiles. “Morning.”

  I reach out to brush a brown lock off his forehead. “Morning, handsome.”

  “What’s this?” His hand goes in between my legs, rubbing me gently outside my panties until I can feel the moisture seeping through the material.

  “I want you.” My hand reaches for his length, feeling it thicken and grow in the palm of my hand as I wrap my fingers around it. Warm steel. Raising my body higher on the bed, I nuzzle his neck with my nose. And then, after slightly licking my lips, I begin to kiss him under his chin, behind his ear, the thick veins of his neck…my tongue tasting the flavor of arousal.

  “Um, Cathy…if you start kissing my neck like that, there is a 110% chance that I’m going to jump you like a fucking starved man and rip this pretty little thing you have on.” His fingers continue to tease me, rubbing me in small circles, pushing in through the fabric. My body is a bomb about to explode by the magic of his fingers.

  “Good.”

  I tease him with my tongue because I want to drive him mad with desire.

  “Fuck.” Groaning, I feel his free hand wrap around mine as we work him, faster and rougher.

  “Mhhmmm, I like this, Ben. I need you inside me right now.” My voice is husky with lust.

  “Well…”

  I let go of his embrace, push him to lie on his back and straddle him. Moving my panties to the side, I take him in my hand and lower myself until I’m fully seated on him and I feel him throbbing inside me.

  “Damn...Cathy…”

  Propelling myself on my knees, I begin to move in and out of him, his hands cup my ass and pull me closer to him. Our bodies this closely connected, I can feel him in my soul with every single thrust of his hips into mine.

  I love it.

  I tip my head back as I laugh and let the rhythm of our bodies set the pace of our lovemaking. On the verge of explosion, my body starting to tighten around his dick, Ben grabs fistfuls of my hair in his hands and pulls me down for a kiss. A fiery kiss that blazes through me, burning me from the inside out.

  Ashes.

  His kiss turns me into ashes.

  When the kiss is over, he lets go of my face just enough to whisper against my mouth, “I love your dimples when you laugh.”

  Dimples.

  Dimples.

  Fuck.

  Arsen.

  Sick to my stomach, I don’t think I can finish it, but Ben is so far gone that he doesn’t notice my sudden withdrawal.

  “Shit, Cathy…”

  Ben lets go of my hair to grip my hips as he picks up the pace, my ass slapping against his thighs faster and faster. Harder and harder.

  “CATHY!” he shouts as he comes inside me.

  I don’t.

  I can’t.

  I look down at him lying on the bed, feeling the warm liquid spreading inside me as he thrusts a few more times. And all I want to do is cry because he just tainted my memory of Arsen.

  Dimples.

  The words sound amiss on Ben’s lips. They don’t belong there.

  With a flush covering the crests of his cheeks, Ben begins to sit up with me on his lap, still connected to one another. Wrapping me in his arms and grinning like a cute little boy on Christmas morning, he buries his nose in my neck and kisses me softly behind the ear.

  “Damn, Cathy, how did I get so lucky?” He lifts his face, pecking me on the nose. “You’re so damn perfect.” His voice is hoarse with emotion.

  Not bothering to answer him, I kiss him on the shoulder and untangle myself from his embrace. Once I’m standing, I remove the stretched panties and throw them in the garbage bin. Turning around, I take in all of my husband.

  And for a moment...

  A tiny fraction of time…

  I wish I were staring at aqua blue eyes instead of brown.

  After I’m done with my shower, Ben jumps in to get ready for work.

  When I hear the water running, and an unsuspecting Ben humming a familiar melody, I sit on my bed as stray droplets of water wet my back, the edge of the towel, and my comforter. I grab my phone and make the biggest mistake of my life.

  My hands are shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach because of nerves, but I do it anyway.

  I text him.

  C: I miss you.

  Ben and I are driving home from work when I hear my phone ringing. I pick up without looking at the caller I.D.

  “Is this Catherine?” an annoyed woman asks.

  “Hi, yes. This is she. May I ask who’s calling?”

  “My name is Sali. We don’t know each other, but I’m friends with Arsen. Listen, I don’t know what’s the deal between the two of you. I mean, it’s not like you’re famous or anything, but he’s been drinking for almost four days straight. My boyfriend, Alec, has kept him company for the duration of his freaking drinking binge, and I’m done. I want my boyfriend back. Besides I can’t stand watching Arsen drink himself to oblivion.”

  Stunned by her words, I swallow hard before responding. “Okay. And what does this have to do with me?” Feeling Ben grab my hand, I turn to look at his profile in the darkness and watch him drive.

  “Uh, everything or nothing. One never knows with Arsen. All I know is that he hasn’t shut up about you. He’s in really bad shape tonight and I was wondering if you could come here and talk some sense into him. Maybe get him to go home and sleep the alcohol off. He’s not well.”

  I clutch my cellphone tighter in my hand. “Okay. I’m with my husband. So it’ll be the two of us. Tell me the address and we’ll be there.”

  “Uh, you’re married? I can’t believe this.” My answer seems to stun her, but only momentarily. “Whatever. Not my problem. Just get here as soon as possible, please. My boyfriend’s band, MOMO, is about to start playing, and I don’t want to witness another one of Arsen’s drunk performances.”

  I end the phone call after she gives me the address. My insides are churning with anxiety.

  I’m going to see him again.

  “Ben, um, that was a girl named Sali. She’s friends with Arsen.”

  When he glances my way, our eyes locking for a nanosecond, his expression turns guarded. “Why was she calling you? What does she want with you? Did that boy make her call you?” His voice is accusatory.

  Bothered by his harsh tone and the way he refers to Arsen, I snap back at him as I let go of his hand. “He is not a boy, Ben. He is twenty-four years old. And he doesn’t know she called me.”

  I cross my arms then turn in my seat to look at him. “Apparently he’s very drunk, and she needs me to go talk to him. Maybe get him to leave with us.”

  Ben frowns. “No way. You aren’t his mother.” The word mother makes me flin
ch.

  “We are not going. I won’t do it, Cathy. Let his friends take care of him. He’s nothing to you but a past employee.”

  The light changes to red, making us stop. Frustrated and hurt by his words, I don’t want to look at him anymore, so I gaze out the window. I’m considering getting out of the car to flag a cab and go see Arsen by myself, when I feel Ben’s cool fingers wrap around my chin, turning my face so that we’re eye to eye. Ready to shake my chin to get out of his hold, his countenance paralyzes me.

  Love.

  I see love.

  I feel love.

  A love that makes his eyes burn as fiercely, and as brightly, as a wildfire.

  Guilt placates me.

  Guilt paints my skin red.

  Placated, I try to explain to Ben why I need to do this for Arsen, and maybe at the same time I try to explain it to myself. I grab his hand and let the words fly out of my mouth before the light turns green and I lose him.

  “Ben. Please…Arsen is my friend. H-He made me laugh and kept me entertained at work, and he, um, was there for me when I needed someone to talk to about the pregnancy.”

  Yes, that sounds true enough.

  “What about your pregnancy? You haven’t mentioned anything to m—”

  “Never mind, it was a one-time thing,” I lie to him, “But that’s not the point. The point is that he’s my friend and apparently his friends think I can talk some sense into him. I don’t know why they seem to be under that illusion, but I have to at least try Ben. I have to.”

  He stares at me intensely, appearing to consider his answer. After a small pause, he lets go of my chin and wraps his fingers on the steering wheel. He’s clutching it so tightly you can see the veins in his hands pop. Nodding once, his voice is filled with calm wrath, “Fine. But, Cathy, this will be the first and last time. I don’t like it, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like it either if I had to go get a woman you barely knew randomly. I’m going to let it slide because, well, I don’t have a choice, and because you say he’s your friend. And that’s the only reason why we’re going.”

  He turns to look at me one last time as the light turns green. “Because he’s your friend. That’s all.”

  I softly murmur back, “Yes, my friend.”

  The words tighten my chest.

  After driving for fifteen minutes, trying to find a parking spot on a Friday night in Manhattan, Ben drops me off at the entrance of the bar. He tells me to go in first while he goes in search of a garage.

  Once I wave Ben goodbye from the street, I turn on my feet until I’m met with the ratty and dilapidated front façade of what I think is the bar. Glancing to my left and right, I search for something nicer looking, but with everything closed, this seems to be the right place.

  Talk about a dive bar.

  I never expected to find spoiled, attention seeking Arsen in a place like this. When I cross the threshold to the shabby locale, I’m greeted with the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke. Distaste making my nose scrunch up and eyes squint momentarily. Once I get used to the surroundings I browse the bar, looking for the familiar head of golden blond hair I’ve missed so much. Not finding him anywhere, my eyes land on a stick thin tan black haired beauty. Her big brown eyes are taking me in as she leans over a tall, good looking guy and whispers in his ear, nodding my way. When he turns around, I notice the tattoos covering his arms and neck. He grasps the girl by the hand and walk towards me, only stopping when they’re standing a foot away from me.

  Wow.

  The guy standing in front of me is beautiful in a Euro-Asian kind of way. His body is lanky but well defined, his eyes are sky light blue and his jet black hair makes the white milkiness of his skin stand out. The girl is just as gorgeous. Petite and thin, her big brown eyes make me think of warmth.

  “You must be Catherine. I think you got here a little too late. Now we must sit through another one of his drunken performances. But as soon as he’s done, please get Arsen the fuck out of here. The man is going to have tabloids hunting the place down, and people are going to lose their shit. We hate notoriety,” he says in a sexy raspy voice.

  “Hi. Yes, I’m Cathy. And you are?”

  “You’re such an asshole sometimes, Alec. Move over, baby.” Pushing him to the side, the petite girl takes my hand in hers. “You’re as pretty as I imagined, but older. Anyway, hi, I’m Sali. It was me who called you before. And this is Alec, my boyfriend. His band is playing tonight and, well, Arsen decided he wants to be a fucking rock star and play with them. I wanted you to get here before he went on stage and made a fool of himself in front of all those people, but it’s too late. As you can see, he’s about to perform.”

  When she moves her small frame out of the way, my eyes land on the stage where there’s a man sitting on a wooden stool behind the microphone. He’s staring down at the floor, seemingly lost in thought.

  Heart beating wildly.

  Dry mouth.

  Palms sweating.

  The fog that wrapped itself around me like an anesthetic cocoon in the past week begins to slowly dissipate as I drink in his ravaged beauty with eyes so thirsty they feel dry. His cheeks appear sunken and hollow, it looks like he has lost weight, and his clothes, usually so pristine, look worn and dirty.

  Arsen.

  Finally.

  When a stranger shouts something at him, Arsen lifts his face, but his gaze doesn’t land on the audience. It lands on me. My heart seizes to beat when our eyes first connect, but his blue gaze is like a defibrillator to my chest, sending warm electric shocks bringing me back to life.

  Empty eyes explore and study me closely as a potent shiver travels down my spine, leaving me cold in its wake. I watch Arsen close his eyes as he lifts a shaky palm to push some of his blond hair off his face, highlighting the contours of his perfect arms and chest. After a moment of respite, he shakes his head once and lifts his eyes to stare at the audience, avoiding looking in my direction.

  Completely ignoring me.

  I feel an intense pain in the back of my throat, making it hard to swallow as I watch him stand up, walk to the edge of the stage, and lean over the crowd to say something to a group of girls standing closest to him. Giggling, they nudge each other until one of them, the one wearing the shortest skirt, shimmies out of her thong and hands it to him. His eyes empty, he smiles charmingly and puts the disgusting item in the front pocket of his shirt. Once he’s done flirting, or whatever you want to call it, Arsen makes his way back to the stool and sits down. When a young guy with a guitar approaches him, Arsen turns his back to the audience, the girls forgotten, and begins to talk to him.

  Feeling a small hand wrap around my upper arm, I tear my gaze away from the stage to stare at Sali who’s currently scrutinizing me with her big pretty brown eyes.

  “Don’t mind that. He’s just fucking with everyone. On a good note, he doesn’t look as drunk as before, but I’m still afraid he’s going to make a fool of himself. When he’s done with the song, Alec is going to get him off the stage, and that’s your opportunity to make him leave with you. Oh wait! Where is your husband? Did he go home because that would be totally cool. Maybe you could drive Alec’s Porsche?”

  I get the feeling that Sali doesn’t want Ben here.

  “Yes. Ben, my husband, is here with me. Well, he should be here any moment now. We couldn’t find a parking spot.”

  “Oh. Well, never mind. Just get him out of here, ‘kay?”

  “Babe, I gotta go to the stage. I don’t know what Arsen wants to do, but I gotta be there. You cool?”

  After a quick peck on the lips, Sali tells Alec to go and kill it, and to make sure Arsen doesn’t make the biggest mistake of his life. I don’t understand why singing a song would be such a terrible thing. As a matter of fact, it makes me feel proud of him.

  “Um, Is Arsen any good?” I hate how shaky my voice sounds.

  “Fuck, yeah! He’s awesome! Alec has been trying to get him to join the band, but he won’t do it
. I personally think he doesn’t want to deal with the fame. I mean, look at the guy! He’s popular enough without being in a band.”

  “Is Momo popular?”

  “They do okay.” She smiles at me, pride shining through her eyes. “Anyway, look! They’re starting. Let’s hope Arsen is able to sing after the alcohol binge he’s been on since last Thursday night.”

  I steal a glance in his direction and see him talking to Alec as his hand covers the microphone. Alec seems to be trying to talk some sense into Arsen who is shaking his head mulishly at him, then Alec throws his hands in the air and walks away from Arsen, leaving him all alone. A smile so cruel it could be a sneer crosses his lips as he stares at his feet. When he lifts his eyes to look at the audience, I feel the small hairs lift on the back of my neck.

  Slurring his words a little, I hear the voice I thought I would never hear again and it makes me happy.

  So happy.

  “I’m not going to introduce myself because there’s no fucking point. According to my father I’m a fucking nobody, and it’s cool.” He runs his hand through his hair and lets it settle on his nape. “I agree with him. Anyway, my friend Alec, who likes to pretend he’s a struggling musician when he could probably buy a damn record label himself, has allowed me to grace you all with my shitty and worthless talent. Hope you enjoy it. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I dedicate this song to a friend of mine.”

  Oh no. Don’t.

  Arsen laughs into the microphone at his own private joke, but his next words destroy me. “You see, she’s this pretty little thing. Fucking beautiful, really. And she has dimples, the prettiest fucking dimples you’ve ever seen. But she’s married, loves her man, and that doesn’t work for me because I want her. Really fucking bad.” The crowd goes crazy with his words, but I can’t hear anything.

  I’m deaf to the loud sounds around me.

  His words are all I can hear.

  All I want to hear.

  In a few sentences, he has shattered all my foolish illusions that we were friends, just friends. He has spoken the final truth that I cannot deny anymore.

  And it hurts.

  It hurts so much because I did this. I allowed it to happen.