The Vanishing Expert
Page 16
James still smiled kindly at her, and shook his head. “No,” he said. “You look great.”
Tracy choked back her tears, and James saw her expression change quickly from joy to anger. Before he could react, she drew back and slapped James hard on the chest. “God damn it, Edward!” she shouted. “How could you do that to me?”
She tried to strike him a second time, but James caught her wrist before she made contact.
“I’m sorry,” he said calmly. “I never meant to hurt you.” Again, he glanced nervously at the woman across the counter who was pretending to ignore them. He looked over at Kate who had moved closer but still kept her distance, and he motioned for her to join them.
Kate hurried over, and stood beside her brother.
Tracy appeared unaffected by James’s apology, but before she could respond, she felt Kate’s hand gently rubbing her back.
“Trace,” she said softly. “Remember, you promised not to make a scene.”
Tracy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then she looked up at James. “I thought you were dead,” she whispered so no one else could hear. She appeared to choke on the word, as if she was reliving that gray Sunday in May when Kate broke the news to her of Edward’s death.
“I’m sorry,” James offered. He reached out to embrace her, but she pushed him away.
“No!” she said firmly. “I want you to tell me how you could do that to me!”
It was clear to James that he would have to tell Tracy everything. It was too late to pretend that he could repair the damage he’d done simply by standing before her and proving to her that he was alive. That little counter had been the scene of so many easy conversations, the two of them happily chatting over sandwiches and fresh apple pie on their way back to school. This wouldn’t be one of them. His deception had put her through hell and she deserved to know why. He glanced over his shoulder one last time at the woman across the counter who had wandered closer as their voices grew quieter.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said. He put on his coat and led them to the door and out into the storm.
Many of the shoppers who had been crowding the shops just a few hours before were heading out of town. The street was clogged with cars, but the sidewalks and stores were nearly deserted. James walked with Kate and Tracy past the store windows on Main Street, trying to find a quiet place where they could talk freely, but nothing seemed safe.
It was obvious the snow would make it impossible for them to return home that night, even if Tracy would have allowed it. Knowing that Kate wouldn’t want to drive, they walked to her car to retrieve their bags and the three of them climbed into James’s Jeep and went in search of rooms for the night.
The Down East Motor Lodge, about two miles south of town, consisted of a string of a dozen rooms, each with a pair of double beds. It wasn’t the type of place where Kate normally would have considered staying. It was a last resort type of lodging, and since it was Thanksgiving weekend, normally a busy weekend in Freeport, and many of the tourists who had come to Freeport for the day were also stranded by the snow, it appeared to be their only option. The better hotels and the bed and breakfasts were booked solid.
Kate managed to get the last available room for the three of them. The room was dingy and small, the aroma of mildew and cigarette smoke greeting them as they entered. Most important, at least to James, was that it was warm and dry and offered them a private place where they could speak freely.
Once they settled into the room, Kate stepped out to call Kenny from the pay phone in the lobby to let him know they had arrived safely and would be spending the night in Freeport.
“How’s Tracy doing?” he asked her.
“She’s doing okay,” Kate told him. “I think seeing her old college friend is going to help her. If nothing else, it was good for her to get out of there for a while.” Kenny agreed and Kate promised him they would head home on Sunday afternoon once the roads were clear.
When Kate returned to the room, Tracy and James were seated next to each other on the bed furthest from the door, their backs propped against the wall. They hardly acknowledged Kate’s return.
“I understand why you wanted to leave,” Tracy told him. “I know you weren’t happy. But why did you have to pretend you were dead?”
James glanced at Kate, who appeared to be wondering the same thing.
“You know, Trace, I wish I could have just packed up my stuff and left. It would have been a lot easier, but it just wasn’t that simple.” He was holding Tracy’s hand, and he was staring at it as if the words he searched for might be found there. “I was completely miserable and I was in debt up to my eyeballs, and I knew there was just no way I’d ever have a chance at the life I wanted without doing something drastic. One day, I was going through my bills, and I came across my life insurance policy. I sat there staring at it for a long time, and that’s when it hit me.” He finally looked up at Tracy’s face. “I was worth more dead than alive.”
“That’s not true, Edward,” Tracy insisted.
“But it was,” he said. “And that’s a pretty tough thing to accept, but that’s when it occurred to me that I had a way out. And I didn’t actually have to die. I just needed everyone to think I did. That way, Gloria could use the insurance settlement to pay off our debt, and I could just disappear and start over.”
“You should have told me,” Tracy said finally.
“I know,” James said remorsefully.
“No, you don’t know!” Tracy said, her anger finally rising to the surface. “You have no idea what it was like thinking you were dead. I thought about you every day. I had nightmares about you drowning, and all I could think about was that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I felt so guilty. I couldn’t stand it, because I knew that if that ever happened to me, you’d be right there to help me.” Her words caught in her throat as she tried desperately to keep from crying. “I always trusted you to be there for me, and now I find out it was all a trick.”
Sitting on the other bed, Kate leaned forward, trying to get Tracy to look in her direction, but Tracy only looked down at her hands in her lap. Even if she had looked up, she would have seen nothing through her tears.
“He did do that,” Kate said. “As soon as he found out you needed help, he came. He’s right here.”
Tracy shook her head.
“That’s right, Trace,” James said. “I know what I did was selfish. And I know I hurt you. But I don’t want you to think that I didn’t tell you because I didn’t care about you, because that’s not true.” Her face was flushed and her chin quivered as she tried to keep from losing control. “I love you, Trace,” James said softly. “You’re my best friend, and I know I hurt you. I’m just hoping you can forgive me.”
When Tracy embraced him, James felt his life open up for him again. Any concerns he’d had about telling her were quickly dispelled. Tracy sobbed and trembled in his arms. She pounded her fists against him, her anger and frustration melting away just a bit with every blow, but there was so much of it to release. She clung to him as if she would never let go, and James knew at that moment that she would keep his secret. Even more importantly, he knew she would forgive him.
At dusk, the snow continued falling steadily, and James left the women in the hotel while he drove his Jeep to the market just up the road for a few essentials— some sandwiches and snacks and two six-packs of soda among them. He desperately wanted a beer but thought better of it given Tracy’s history and what he planned to ask of her. When he returned, Kate and Tracy were sitting on one of the beds. The television was on, but he sensed immediately that they hadn’t really been watching it. They exchanged glances and eyed him as he entered.
“Go ahead, Trace,” Kate said. “Ask him.”
James stood in the doorway feeling as if he’d missed the joke. ”Ask me what?”
“Tell her your new name,” Kate said to him, reaching into one of the bags and emptying
the contents onto the dresser. “She wants to know.”
James smiled. “Well, Trace, that’s the other thing.” He handed a soda to Tracy who frowned at the can. “I’m not Edward Moody anymore. I’m James Perkins now.”
“Oh, bullshit!” Tracy said. She smiled at him as if he was teasing her, and then she looked at Kate for confirmation.
Kate leaned against the dresser and cracked open a soda. “That’s what I said.”
“It’s true,” he assured her. “That’s my name now.”
“Why’d you pick that?” Tracy asked him. She was suddenly less concerned about the idea that she would have to call him by a new name than she was curious about why he’d decided on such a plain one. “Couldn’t you have thought up something better?”
Kate and James exchanged somber looks. Kate knew the story.
James pulled up a chair and began to explain the logistics of creating a new identity, just as he’d explained it to Kate a few weeks earlier. He described how he obtained the birth certificate and then the social security number of his young friend, then the driver’s license and the bank account. “The rest was fairly easy,” he said.
Tracy shook her head slowly and looked at James in disbelief. “Where'd you learn all this stuff?” she asked.
He laughed. “In college,” he said.
They spent what was left of the evening in that little room at the Down East Motor Lodge, lying on the two double beds and reminiscing. Tracy, wanting to know more about James’s life since his disappearance, asked repeatedly for details about how he'd spent the last six months. Each time she did, James was skillfully vague, managing to turn the conversation in some other direction before Tracy realized what had happened. It was a skill at which he’d grown quite adept in the last few months, but each time he thought he’d satisfied her curiosity, she managed to find her way back to the same question.
“Why don’t you want to tell me where you’re living now?” Tracy asked him. She appeared hurt by the idea.
James sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you,” he said. “I will. But not just yet.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” Tracy said. “I just want to be able to come see you.” She watched James’s expression, and she sensed that he’d made up his mind. “I miss you,” she added. “And I want to be with you.”
Looking at her now as she pleaded only to be near him, James could see for the first time the extent of the damage he’d inflicted upon her. That she was willing to forgive him for his deception should have been enough to convince him that she could be trusted, but there was still that part of him that felt safer knowing that he had some secrets left. He looked at the clock on the night stand. It was almost one o’clock in the morning, and he suddenly felt very tired.
“Let’s talk about it in the morning,” he said.
Tracy said nothing. She stood up, and without looking at James again, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door.
Kate looked seriously at her brother. “You already told her the big secret,” she said after she was certain Tracy was out of earshot. “What’s the harm?”
James shrugged and lay back on the bed. “I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe none.” He closed his eyes and puffed out a long sigh.
Kate had planned to share one of the beds with Tracy, but when Tracy emerged from the bathroom, she proceeded directly to Edward’s bed and crawled beneath the covers. She wanted to fall asleep listening to him breathe, nothing more.
It wasn’t the first time they’d shared a bed. In college, when they lived on the same floor in York Hall, Tracy frequently sought out his bed for comfort when she was upset. It became a common enough occurrence that his roommate sometimes allowed her in when Edward wasn’t there, and Tracy would curl up beneath Edward’s covers and wait for him. Edward had come upon her enough times while stumbling into the dark room that he eventually made a habit of checking for her before climbing into his bed, and he was never startled to find her there as he groped in the darkness. Some nights he would console her as she sobbed; other nights he just held her until they both fell asleep. It was never sexual, though Tracy would have welcomed it. Edward simply never thought of Tracy in that way.
So when Tracy climbed into his bed at the Down East Motor Lodge on that snowy night in Freeport, it seemed natural to both of them. Almost without thinking he moved his arm so she could press her body against him as he lay on his back, her head resting on his shoulder, her hand upon his chest.
Tracy fell asleep first. James could feel her body rising and falling with every breath, and he could smell her hair and the faint, fading scent of her perfume. Because he couldn’t see her face, he was unaware of the expression of peace that came to her in her sleep. He had no idea she was finding the first untroubled sleep she’d known in the six painful months since his disappearance.
In the morning, Tracy awoke to find herself alone in the bed. Edward was sitting in an armchair with his back to her, looking out the window at the fresh snow. Tracy lay still, watching him, content knowing that he was still with her. She watched him for several minutes, wondering what he was thinking. It never occurred to her that he was thinking of her, and the one secret he had yet to tell her.
James had been in that chair for nearly an hour, alternately watching the brightening morning and his two sleeping companions, and considering the decision he still had to make. In his hand, he held a scrap of paper, which he turned over and over in his fingers as he gazed out the window. He had no sense of the passage of time, and when he finally became aware of the bright morning sun reflecting off the snow, he was startled by how far the day had progressed while he'd been withdrawn into his thoughts.
When he turned again to look into the room he could see that Kate was still sleeping with her back to him, but Tracy was awake and watching him from her bed. She appeared small to him as she lay curled up like a child beneath the blankets, and the old impulse to protect her came back to him in an instant. She smiled at him, and with some effort, he smiled back.
When she joined him at the window, she hugged him around the neck, and kissed him on the top of the head before she pulled up a second chair and sat down beside him. She reached out and took hold of his hand.
“I know you don’t want to tell me where you live,” she whispered, trying not to wake Kate. “But you need to know you can trust me. I’ve already seen what my life is like without you. I’ll never do anything to risk losing you again.” She squeezed his hand, and looked out at the fresh snow. “But maybe we can meet back here sometime, just so I can see you.”
By that simple concession, Edward was reassured that he’d come to the right decision. He turned the scrap of paper over in his fingers once again, as he’d been doing all morning, and then placed it in her hand.
Tracy looked at it curiously. “What’s this?”
“It’s my address and phone number in Southwest Harbor,” he said.
Tracy’s face brightened as she unfolded the paper and read the address. When she looked up at him again, she was crying.
“I do trust you,” he said.
Tracy stood up and embraced him again, kissing him on the cheek, and thanking him repeatedly. James enjoyed seeing the happiness it brought her, but he gestured to her chair and asked her to sit down. There was still more he needed to tell her. Tracy sat down, gazing happily at the writing on the scrap of paper in her hand.
“There’s just a couple of things I need from you,” James said.
“Okay,” Tracy said.
He looked at her seriously. “First, you have to remember that Edward Moody is gone. I’m James Perkins now, and I need you to call me that if you call me or write me or visit me. And you don’t visit without us talking about it first.”
“Okay,” Tracy agreed.
“Good,” he said. “Second, you can’t tell anybody about this.”
“I know,” Tracy said. She seemed insulted at the suggestion.
“I know,” Tracy said. “You can trust me.”
“I know I can,” he said, and Tracy smiled at him. “But here’s the last thing, and it’s probably gonna be the hardest of all.” He paused until he was sure she was giving him her full attention.
“Whatever you want,” Tracy said. She was completely devoted to him, and he knew by her tone, if he didn’t know before, that she would do anything to please him.
“You need to stop drinking,” he said.
Tracy laughed nervously.
James didn’t smile. He looked hard at Tracy. “You need to get your life back together.” He squeezed her hand firmly and looked directly into her eyes which began to well with tears. “I need you to do that for me.”
Tracy’s smile faded, and she turned away from him, looking first out the window, and then down at her hands. She said nothing. She was, in equal parts, terrified of what the future held for her and comforted by the knowledge that he would be there to help her through it. She didn’t look at him as she spoke. “I really messed up,” she said softly. She choked on the words as she tried desperately not to break down. “I don’t know if I can fix it.”
“I know you can do it, Trace,” he told her. “Just remember, you’re not alone. There are a lot of people who want to help you, and you know you can always count on Kate. Believe me, I know.”
In her bed, pretending to sleep, Kate smiled.
“And now you know where to find me if you need help,” he said.
Tracy looked at the scrap of paper in her hands, but the words were blurred through her tears.
He could feel Tracy’s hand trembling. “No matter what happens, I’ll always be there for you. But this is something you need to do on your own. No one can do it for you.”
Tracy smiled, and she squeezed his hand. “I’ll be okay,” she assured him.