‘I don’t see why you’re so worried when it’s your name on the birth certificate,’ Steve said, ‘you hold all the power until you consent to transfer parental rights to them.’
‘But it’s afterwards that I’m worried about.’
‘If you think about it, they’re probably more nervous than you are.’ He opened a picture book for Alice.
‘But there’s no reason why I wouldn’t go ahead as agreed.’
‘I know, but from their point of view they have to hope that you don’t change your mind and want to keep it. It’s a give and take situation.’
‘I suppose so, but I think it’s almost unheard of for a surrogate to go back on her word and decide to keep the baby.’
‘All the forums say it’s about mutual trust and respect. Haven’t you written that down a million times?’ He pointed to a picture of a cat and meowed. Alice copied him. We all laughed.
‘Yeah, I know. Just feels so much more real now I’m actually pregnant. I wanted to check over everything again.’
Malcolm and Brenda had agreed to keep in touch after the transfer of parental rights, although he’d not been so keen. I hoped they wouldn’t have any reason to change their minds because being able to see the child grow up was going to be the best part of it for me.
‘You need to relax. Shall I see if Dan and Carly are about for a takeaway?’ Steve clapped Alice’s hands together.
‘Yeah, why not?’
He texted them and by nine o’clock we were all sitting round the TV, watching Big Brother turned down low and eating Chinese.
‘So, you’re really going through with it?’ Carly tied up her purple hair before stuffing her face with chicken noodles.
‘Yeah, think so.’ I glanced at Steve and gave him a sideways grin.
‘Are you…?’ Carly pointed to my stomach.
I nodded, smiling.
‘Oh my god. Congrats!’ She wrapped me in a Parma violets-scented hug.
‘Nice one.’ Dan prised the top off a bottle of Tiger beer and handed it to Carly. Flashing lights and cheers from Big Brother made us all look at the screen.
I dragged myself over to the sink and poured a glass of tap water. What if I did find it too hard giving up the baby? I stared down at my non-existent bump.
‘You’re missing it.’ Carly waved me over.
‘I’m feeling a bit queasy.’ The stench of the takeaway filled my nose.
‘Do you want water?’ Steve pushed himself up from the beanbag.
‘I’ve got some, thanks.’ I pulled back the sliding door to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet. I could only be about four weeks. I’d not been sick once with Alice.
When I came out, all I wanted to do was lie down, but Carly and Dan were sitting on the sofa bed. I wished we had a little bedroom I could slip away to.
‘You look as white as snow.’ Carly elbowed Dan and stood up. ‘We’ll go, darling, leave you in peace.’
‘Yeah, we can watch this next door.’ Dan cleared up their plates and Steve dumped them in the sink.
‘See you in a minute, mate.’ Dan picked up the rest of their beers. ‘I hope you feel better.’
Steve flattened down the sofa bed and pulled out the ready made up duvet from the space underneath. I watched for any movement from Alice, fast asleep in her cot. She could sleep through pretty much any noise.
‘I won’t stay long.’ Steve took his car washing bucket out from under the kitchen sink, removing the sponge and various bottles of shampoo and polish. ‘I’ll leave this here for you.’
‘Makes me icky just looking at it.’
‘Text me if you need anything.’ He pecked me on the forehead and left. I could hear him rap his knuckles on next door, and the slam of it closing behind him. For a split second I wished I wasn’t pregnant. I hoped this sickness would pass. Eight long months stretched ahead, but I thought of Brenda’s happy tears and despite all their shiny ornaments and plush carpets, they didn’t have the one treasure they really wanted, that I could provide for them. If only Mum would see it that way. Tomorrow I’d have to break the news to her.
Chapter Three
I was sick at various times during the night. It all blurred into one big mess that seemed to go on for hours and hours. When I woke up in the morning, I reached for the ginger biscuit I’d left by the side of the bed. I’d read in Baby magazine that if you nibbled one before sitting up, you were less likely to actually vomit. My stomach wobbled. I wasn’t convinced.
‘Want some tea with that?’ Steve sat up, rubbing his hand through his hair. ‘I heard you getting up. Lost count how many times. Are you okay?’
I shook my head and dashed to the bathroom.
Afterwards, I sat on the toilet seat. How could this pregnancy be so different? What if I was sick up until the end? My hands trembled. I needed to eat, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep anything down.
I made it to the kitchenette and steadied myself against the wall. Steve took one look at me, scooped me up and gently laid me down on the bed.
‘I can’t go to work like this.’ I snuggled under the duvet.
‘Do you want me to call in for you?’ He brought over a mug of ginger tea and a piece of near burnt toast.
‘Would you?’ I sat up. There was no way I could face talking to Tash.
‘Thing is, how long do you think this will carry on? I mean, Tash relies on you, doesn’t she?’
‘But she can’t have someone around food who might throw up any second.’
‘So what do I tell her?’
‘Say I’ll be back in a couple of days, most likely. Then we’ll just have to wait and see.’ I had no idea if this was going to carry on or not. I reached to the floor for my mobile and showed him Tash’s number.
‘I’m guessing you don’t want me to tell her the real reason?’ Steve touched the call button.
‘God no. She’d probably have a breakdown.’
I cringed at every word of him telling her I had a sickness bug. I could picture her wondering how the hell she was going to get all those lunch orders ready in time.
‘How’d she take it?’ I squinted. Wouldn’t I have to tell people the truth when I started showing?
‘She hopes you feel better, agreed it would be pointless you going in.’ He sat on the bed.
I hated lying, but sometimes there was no other way.
‘I’m going to call Mum.’ Phoning would be easier right now. I couldn’t face seeing her disappointment.
‘You’re kidding?’ He rested his hand on my back and looked right into my eyes so I couldn’t hide my anxiety.
‘I need to tell her. I just want her to support me.’
‘You know what she’ll say.’ He passed me the phone. ‘Anyway, won’t she be busy cutting someone’s hair?’
I glanced at the clock, then tapped in the number. ‘It’s me,’ I said in a bright voice.
‘What’s the matter, Charlotte? You know I’m working.’
‘Sorry, I thought you started later on a Friday.’ For a second, the words I wanted to say were trapped in my mouth. ‘I’ve made a decision… I’m going to be a surrogate.’
Mum was silent.
‘Charlotte, we’ve talked about this.’
‘I’m going to do it,’ I sat up, ‘you can’t change my mind.’
‘Look, I know you think you’re doing this for me, but I don’t want you to.’ The line became muffled, as though she’d put her hand over the receiver.
‘I want to help a woman who can’t hold a baby till the end of a pregnancy, like you.’ I was gripping the phone so hard, my hand hurt. I held back the gathering tears. Something shifted down the line.
‘I want you to think hard about this. It affects me too, especially as you said it’ll be half yours. You’ll be giving away my grandchild.’
‘But it won’t be yours.’ I sighed. Why couldn’t she at least try and get her head around it?
‘You’ll be the mother.’
I stood up.
‘But Steve’s not the dad. It won’t be our baby.’ The silence stretched until I thought it would snap. ‘Anyway, it’s too late.’
‘What?’
‘I’m already pregnant.’
‘But you’ve not thought it through properly. You need to give yourself longer than a few weeks.’ The pitch of her voice went up.
'I’ve been thinking about it for years, Mum, I just hadn’t told anyone. You of all people know how it feels to desperately want a baby with every cell in your body. Why can’t you understand?’ I felt my face heat up.
‘Why can’t she adopt?’
‘Because surrogacy’s an option now.’ Of all people, I thought she would totally get it. I’d lived through three of her five stillbirths. She knew how badly it had affected me.
‘But how well do you know these people?’
‘Really well. We’ve become friends over the last four, almost five months. They’ve been married for twenty years, Mum. They run their own property business from home in Orkney. What else is there to know? They’re decent people.’ I tipped my face up to the heavens. Steve slowly shook his head with a ‘told you so’ expression.
‘You might think you do, but only yesterday I read in a magazine at the doctors about a surrogate who had a baby for a couple she was convinced she knew. But a month after they took the baby home, she paid them an unexpected visit. The poor thing had barely been fed or washed and was dressed in a grubby babygro that was far too small.’
‘That’s horrible, but, Mum, there’s bound to be the odd bad experience. I’ve told you not to read those magazines, they’re full of scare stories.’
‘How did you do it anyway, with a turkey baster?’ The pitch of her voice became almost comically squeaky.
‘No, Mum, a special syringe.’ I was not about to go into detail.
‘It’s not right though, is it?’
‘Why not?’ How did she always manage to turn me into a whiny child?
‘It’s not natural.’
‘Mu-um!’ I clenched my teeth.
‘I don’t know what else to say.’ Mum’s voice became faint, a sure sign she was about to cry. ‘I hope and pray you change your mind.’
‘I’m sorry—’ The phone cut off. I took it away from my ear and stared at the receiver.
Mum’s upset fluttered in my chest like a scorched moth.
‘Don’t even say it.’ I chucked the phone on the bed.
‘I’m not saying anything,’ Steve kissed the top of my head, ‘I’m off to work. Got to get some flyers printed to bring in some new customers.’ He shoved the unused bucket closer to the bed. ‘Call me if you need anything.’
Alice woke up as soon as the front door clicked shut. She’d normally lie quiet for a few minutes, but she started to grizzle. Her third new tooth in as many months. And now she’d probably slept too long and was starving.
I changed her nappy and put her bottle of milk in the microwave to warm. While I was waiting, I pushed the window open. The restless sun was trying hard to squeeze bright rays into the gloom. My mood lifted at the thought of spring coming. A couple of kids in school uniform were kicking a ball about on the communal green. Bedford may not be the greatest place on earth to live, but to us it was home.
Across the road, a woman with short curly dark hair looked out of place wearing oversized sunglasses at this time of year. She was standing stock-still, dressed in a smart grey trouser suit and cream stilettos. Probably an estate agent waiting for a client.
The microwave beeped. Damn. The milk was too hot now. I filled a plastic jug with cold water and sat the bottle in it. Alice started to cry.
‘Come on, sweetheart.’ I picked her up, kissed her hot cheek and gently jogged her up and down. On breakfast TV a woman was sitting opposite the presenters, breastfeeding her baby while discussing people complaining about women doing it in public, as though it was something dirty. Mum had never breastfed me, said it made her shudder at the thought. I hadn’t found it easy and stopped at three months.
While I was feeding Alice her bottle, Brenda messaged me.
How are you? I still can’t believe this is finally happening. I didn’t think I was ever going to be a mom!
I blinked at the message. Here was proof that I was doing the right thing. I was giving this woman the gift of becoming a mum. I started to tap out a reply saying I was fine, feeling great, then immediately deleted it. I needed to be honest with Brenda. Share the good and bad, or this relationship wasn’t going to work.
Not great, had to miss work today. Morning sickness has kicked in, so if you’re in any doubt, there’s your proof!
Oooh no! Poor you. Hope you’re coping okay?
I’ll be fine, honestly, it’s all going to be worth it, I typed, holding Alice over my shoulder, waiting for a big burp. I sat Alice back in her high chair and gave her half a rusk while I chopped up a banana.
My phone pinged.
Aw, thank you. I’m so grateful. I just wish I could share your suffering.
I kissed Alice’s biscuit-smelling hair. I’d get through this rough patch whatever it took.
I’ve been getting a strong craving for lemons, the smell and the taste!
Ha ha, how strange! I’ve been drinking nothing but lemon tea for the past three days. Now I know why!
How weird is that?
I know, isn’t it? Hey, I was thinking, why don’t we go shopping together when we next come down, when you feel a bit better?
Yeah, that would be fun.
I’ve been buying already, couldn’t help myself. What do you think?
A photo popped up on my phone. A beautiful crib they’d bought that morning. It had a floating canopy tied at the sides. I imagined its gentle rocking motion, soothing a newborn Sleeping Beauty. I’d dreamed of having something like it while I was pregnant with Alice, but we’d ended up with a second-hand Moses basket that cost a fiver from a neighbour.
Lovely! I replied, my stomach twisting into an ugly knot. Maybe we’d be able to afford something like it for our next baby. I groaned at another wave of nausea. I dashed to the bathroom, reaching the toilet just in time.
I put Alice back in her cot and had a quick shower. I couldn’t face eating anything, so I poured a glass of water and opened my laptop. I clicked to open the minimised window of Malcolm and Brenda’s website: Premier Properties, their faces in the professionally taken photos on the About page smiled back at me. In their profiles it said they’d both started out working for the same estate agents but quickly moved on to form a partnership, renovating flats and houses. We provide an all-round service you can trust. The photos of the houses they’d sold were incredible, pure luxury. I copied and pasted their address into Streetmap. Their home was more of a mansion, Victorian-looking on its own plot of land, with a wide driveway surrounded by mature trees and bushes. I’d be happy with one or two bedrooms and a little garden for Alice to play in.
I clicked on the surrogacy forum window and scanned through the new threads. Nothing caught my eye, so I opened my messages and scrolled back to the beginning. It was five months since I’d first posted about wanting to be a surrogate.
I’d specifically said I wanted to help an older couple who’d almost given up hope of ever having a child. I honestly didn’t know if anyone would reply but Brenda had messaged me almost straight away. My hand was shaking as I’d opened her reply.
I’ve been waiting for a post from someone just like you! Thank you so much for your generous offer to be a surrogate for a desperate couple like us. My husband Malcolm and I have suffered eleven miscarriages. We can’t go on trying but don’t know where else to turn. Our ages are against us now but we’re in a privileged position of being comfortable financially and we’re aching to give a loving home to our baby. Please, please would you consider helping us? Brenda x
The crushing heartache had left me sitting there for several minutes as fragments of my mum’s losses played out in my mind: her sobbing, curled up on the bed for days, then st
anding in front of the full-length mirror, rubbing the empty, shrinking bump, and the silence in the house when there should have been a baby crying. And me hiding under my bed reading, not daring to make a sound, knowing that my very existence was a cruel reminder.
These were the exact kind of couple I’d dreamed of helping. I’d typed my reply with tears in my eyes.
I’m so desperately sorry for all you and your husband have been through. I can only imagine how much heartbreak you’ve endured. I imagine you’ve considered all options, such as adoption? If you’re sure surrogacy is for you, I would very much like to get to know you both, perhaps we can meet up? Charlotte x
Brenda’s reply was instant. Her desperation reverberated through every word.
That would be wonderful, thank you! We live in Orkney but are in London the week after next, if that would suit you? I would happily have considered adoption, but Malcolm so wants to have a child that is truly his own. For me, sadly, I don’t have any eggs to donate, so the fact that you’re happy to be a traditional surrogate works perfectly for us and is another reason why we were so attracted to your kind and heartfelt offer. We’re excited to have found you, Charlotte! Brenda x
We’d got to know them more through texts and emails. Then we met them in London face-to-face two weeks later, to see if we all got on. I’d known instantly that they were the right couple. Three weeks after that, we had our first try. Two failed attempts with Malcolm and I’d begun to wonder if he was firing blanks. Obviously not. Third time lucky.
And at last I was pregnant. Yet the responsibility weighed heavily in my chest.
I touched my flat belly. What could possibly go wrong?
Chapter Four
‘Finished those salads yet?’ Tash called from the front counter. The elaborate bun on the top of her head wobbled every time she spoke. The deli was beginning to fill with a queue winding round the tables. Rain dripped off people’s coats and umbrellas, leaving tiny puddles on the tiled floor. I’d mop that up as soon as the lunchtime rush died down.
Someone Else's Baby Page 2