Tash had been off with me ever since I’d been back. No surprise there. She couldn’t bring me down though, I was too pleased to be feeling well again. When I woke up this morning, the rush of excitement at being pregnant had really kicked in. I’d not stopped smiling since. Five weeks already.
‘Coming,’ I shouted. I finished labelling the orders and stacked them in a box ready for collection. I couldn’t wait for Shell to turn up. Someone understanding to share every twinge with. As I leaned down to pick up a second box, a searing heat sliced through my groin. I clamped my legs shut. ‘Nooo,’ I whispered, squeezing my hands into fists.
‘Salads, Charlotte?’ Tash glanced over her shoulder at me. ‘What have you gone and done now?’
‘Sorry, give me a minute,’ I groaned.
‘Probably cut her finger,’ she said to the next suit in the queue, then she turned back to me and hissed, ‘What’s wrong with you today?’
‘I’ve got this shooting pain, down there,’ I whispered, pointing.
Tash tutted and helped me sit down. ‘Will you be all right a minute? Where’s Shell when you need her?’
I groaned as another wave of pain wrenched through me. I knew exactly what it meant. It was far more intense than any period I’d had. There could only be one reason. My chest deflated at the loss of the life that would never be.
‘Now then, what’s up with you?’ Tash asked. ‘Off a week then back with this? What’s going on?’
‘I think I’m miscarrying.’ I pressed my fist to my mouth. Was it because I hadn’t loved it completely, as though it were my own? Could the baby sense this on a cellular level?
‘You never said you were pregnant.’ Tash put her arm around me. I breathed in her fragrant aroma of freshly chopped mint and cucumber, but it didn’t even make me feel nauseous.
‘I’m only a few weeks. I was going to tell you.’
‘For these people again?’ She tilted her head at me in that ‘told you so’ way of hers.
I nodded.
‘Charlotte, love.’ She held me at arm’s length and raised one side of her mouth in a half-hearted smile. ‘Isn’t it your third go at this?’
‘Yes, but the first time I’ve got pregnant.’
‘But now you’re losing an actual baby. What further signs do you need?’ She gently patted my arm.
A deep sadness swept through me. I wished I could do something to stop it. ‘You know about Mum. I didn’t want to just give up.’ Sometimes working for Tash was like having another mother, always telling me what to do. It was as if they knew each other. Maybe they were both right. But I couldn’t bear the thought of letting Brenda down.
I felt a tug in my chest like the twang of a double bass string. Tash couldn’t have kids. Didn’t like me having one for someone older, like her. I’d thought that as long as I kept in touch with the child, what would there be to regret? But now there was no child to watch grow up.
The bell above the door tinkled. Shell walked in. I let out a long, grateful sigh.
‘At last. You’re late,’ Tash said, ‘right let’s get you home, Charlotte.’
I stood up to go but my legs wobbled. Tash grabbed hold of me round the shoulders and walked me to her car. It felt as though my energy and strength had drained away along with this baby’s life. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed with a hot-water bottle. My heart ached for Brenda. How would I break the news? It would destroy her.
Chapter Five
After Tash had dropped me off, I texted Steve to see if he could pick Alice up from Mum’s on his way back from work.
I took two paracetamol and lay on the bed with a hot-water bottle. I’d given Brenda hope of having her own baby, but now I’d be adding to her pain. Had it been that half glass of wine before the morning sickness had kicked in? I couldn’t tell them about that. Or it might have been the spoonful of Stilton and walnut sandwich filler. A soft, mouldy cheese, on the banned list.
Steve texted me back.
What’s wrong?
I tried to sit up. Call me, I typed. My mobile rang.
‘You okay?’ Steve asked, out of breath. I imagined him hauling himself up from underneath a car.
‘I’m losing the baby.’ I started to cry.
‘Oh no, hun, are you sure?’
‘I’m bleeding like fuck.’
‘Jeez.’
I pictured him scraping back his gelled hair.
‘Tash had to bring me home.’
‘Do you want me to call the doc?’
‘It’s okay, I’ll call them in a minute.’ I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand. ‘How do I tell Brenda?’
‘Dunno. Won’t hurt to wait though, will it? We seriously need that cash.’
‘What? I’m not going to lie to them. How can you even be thinking about money right now?’
Silence.
‘I’ve lost my baby— their baby!’ Each word struck a backhand across my face. For a second, I forgot it wasn’t mine but it hurt just as much as if it was.
‘I’ve promised Jack. He had his op last week.’ His voice was quiet, barely audible.
‘I know, I’m sorry, but what can I do?’
‘Look, I knock off in an hour. We can have a chat, over a glass or two if you like?’
‘I don’t want wine! Let’s speak later.’ I put the phone down. My temples throbbed. This poor little thing, not quite a fully formed human but still loved, still longed for. I had loved it too, of course I had. Stupid to think I could breeze through a pregnancy without having feelings for the new little person growing inside me.
I called the doctor and made an appointment. As the call ended, a shooting pain ripped through my insides. I stumbled back to the bathroom, my legs wobbly, and pulled another thick pad from the packet by the bath. I sat on the toilet. An image flicked across my mind of me as a child peeking around our old bathroom door that first time I’d heard Mum’s sobs. The shock of seeing her slumped on the floor, blood soaked through her cream dress, smeared on her bare legs and pooling at her feet. When she’d seen me standing there, she’d screeched at me to fetch my dad. I’d never forgotten the desolate look in her eyes.
Back in the kitchen, I topped up the hot-water bottle and sipped my glass of water. There was a light tap tap on the front door. I opened it to Jean from the flat upstairs, wearing old denim dungarees, her orange hair scraped up in a messy bun, showing a fan of white.
‘I saw you being dropped off earlier…’ Her voice trailed off when she saw the hot-water bottle clutched to my chest. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Not really,’ I pulled a tissue out from my sleeve. ‘I’m losing the baby.’ I wiped my nose. It only seemed five minutes ago that I was telling her about Brenda and how excited we all were at my pregnancy news.
‘Oh, Charlotte, I’m so sorry, do you want me to go?’
‘No, stay for a few minutes, please.’
She followed me in.
I sat on the bed, the hot-water bottle pressed across my groin. ‘I know what you’re going to say, but I really believed it would be easier than this.’
‘I’m not judging you, Charlotte. I admire you for what you’re doing.’
‘Do you?’ I looked up at her anguished face, the flash of red in her cheeks. ‘My pregnancy with Alice was so straightforward. Do you think it could be stress from the responsibility? Or maybe it happened because I wasn’t strict enough following their rules of not drinking or eating certain foods?’ In our agreement, Malcolm had insisted on writing a list of food and drink they didn’t want me to have. It wasn’t necessary because it was similar to advice given to all pregnant women by medical experts, about not drinking alcohol, not smoking, avoiding caffeine, soft cheese, pâté, etc. And the choice was down to the individual woman.
‘It’s hard to know for sure but you can’t blame yourself.’ She sat near me on the wicker chair. ‘Every pregnancy is different. Jacob was six weeks early. Biggest shock of my life.’
‘But I feel like I’ve let them down, e
specially Brenda.’
‘You have not. This was a kind thing of you to do for people you barely know.’
‘It feels like I’m living through Mum’s losses again, except this time it’s me.’ Jean had only met Mum briefly, but I’d confided in her about how losing my brothers and sisters had affected me, why I was so determined to be a surrogate.
‘Charlotte, love, you’re too kind-hearted for your own good.’ She came over and hugged me. I sobbed into her shoulder. After a few minutes, she grabbed a couple of tissues from the box on the table and sat with her arm around me.
‘I feel so bad for Brenda. When I found out I was pregnant with Alice, I was nervous about telling Steve because I knew he’d worry about our lack of space and money. We’d only been married a year. I’d longed for a baby so much it hurt. I’d like us to have more children of our own one day. I’m lucky to have that choice.’
‘You’ve got years ahead of you to have more of your own babies and this loss doesn’t mean it will happen again, I promise you.’
‘I hope you’re right. I loved being pregnant with Alice. I didn’t mind people reaching out to touch my bump as though it was their good luck Buddha. And I was able to carry on as normal right up until the birth. Steve said my bump looked like a large football strapped to my belly and that from behind you’d never have even known I was pregnant. I was so lucky I didn’t suffer from any tiredness or swollen ankles like some of the mums at playgroup.’
‘And you’re a fantastic mum to Alice. She’s always a joy to look after. Talking of which, I’ve got twins to collect from pre-school, then my own school run.’ She checked her watch. ‘Do you want me to pick Alice up for you?’
‘It’s okay, Steve’s going.’
‘If there’s anything I can do to help, you know where I am.’ She gave me a hug and stood up.
I followed her out to the hall and thanked her as she went out of the main door. I unlocked our postbox and stuck my hand in. The postman must have been by now. I felt around. It seemed empty at first, but my fingertips brushed over a corner of paper. A single envelope lay at the bottom. I reached in and took it out. It was addressed to me in neat capital letters.
Back in the flat, I eased open the gummed flap with a knife and took out a cheque in my name. I blinked a few times at all the zeros, trying to make them stay still. Ten thousand pounds. I’d never seen a cheque for so much money. I thought of Jack and his family and how this golden ticket would be enough to help them and save the business. But how could we keep this now there was no baby?
Chapter Six
Once we’d settled Alice in her cot that evening, Steve and I sat on the sofa bed holding hands, the TV on low. He poured me another cup of tea and topped up his glass of wine, a cheap bottle from the offie.
‘Sorry I couldn’t come with you to the docs.’
‘There’s nothing you could have done.’ I pressed a creased-up tissue to my eyes as another round of tears spilled out.
‘But you’ve lost a baby and I promised to be there for you every step.’ He kissed my hand.
‘I know this is hard on you because it’s not technically mine, but I still feel like shit.’ The oven beeped.
Steve hugged me. ‘I’ll get that.’
I sat up and put a cushion on my lap. He handed me a plate of burgers, chips and beans and squirted tomato ketchup all over his food. As soon as I saw it, I couldn’t face eating. Steve scoffed his down in no time.
‘I’ll get that cheque in the bank first thing, let it clear then we’ll see about calling them,’ he said.
‘We can’t take their money and not produce a baby. What if Brenda texts me or wants to Skype?’
‘Tell her you’re still sick, that it’s not a good time?’
‘She’ll know something’s up, I know she will.’ Brenda didn’t deserve to be lied to.
‘Tell her you’ve got it bad, can’t keep a thing down.’
‘I won’t lie to her.’ I couldn’t mess Brenda about.
After Steve had finished and I’d eaten all I could, he took the plates out to the kitchenette and came back with the rest of the bottle.
‘I’m just trying to support you. Look what you’ve been through for them already. We need that money to pay our debts. What would I tell Jack?’
‘I know.’ I snuggled up to him and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer.
‘You know it’s entirely up to you.’ He turned the TV over to Million Pound Drop. The couple lost three hundred grand on the first question. ‘Be easier to go on there to get some cash wouldn’t it?’ Steve said.
‘Maybe, but the number of people that go home with nothing…’
‘True.’
‘I just wanted to make a difference to someone’s life. Give them the chance of having a baby.’
‘I know, hun.’
The painkillers were beginning to wear off. The doctor had told me to go home and rest but to call her if the pain or bleeding got worse. I groaned as I pushed myself up from the sofa and took two more paracetamol with a glass of water. My phone beeped.
How are you?
My heart stopped. ‘It’s Brenda,’ I whispered, as if she could hear us.
Steve crossed his arms.
Not too bad, thanks, I replied.
Good to hear. We’re down your way on Saturday. Okay to call in and say hello?
My eyes widened. I held the phone up to show Steve.
‘Hang on.’ He held my arm away. The couple on TV had lost another £100k. ‘The answer was Man City, you knob!’ Steve shouted.
I showed him the message again. He smiled and shrugged.
‘Let’s say yes, so we can tell them face-to-face.’
He nodded.
‘The cheque will have cleared by the weekend.’
‘Are you going to tell them you lost the baby the night before they arrive? Won’t that look a bit of a coincidence?’
‘No. I’ll say we wanted to tell them in person.’ I stared at the phone. ‘It would be horrible for them to find out by text.’
I texted back: Yeah, of course. Look forward to seeing you both. I touched my stomach. My eyes filled up again at the thought of telling Brenda there was no longer a baby. I’d failed.
A few moments later my phone beeped again.
I want to ask your advice about car seats for newborns and these buggy systems. Would love to get an old-fashioned pram, a big old Silver Cross, but they’re not practical, are they? Maybe we could go to the shops and check some out, if you’re feeling up to it?
I glanced out of the window at a flurry of snow lit up by the winter sunshine, melting as soon as the flakes touched the ground. I remembered the sparks of excitement when I was pregnant with Alice. But I also couldn’t shift the memory of Mum’s nervous joy at yet another pregnancy, her arms almost permanently cupped around her bump, as though she had the power to prevent it from dying.
I don’t think I am yet, but we can go through all the different types of prams online if you like? I can show you what I used for Alice.
I paused before I pressed send. Maybe I should tell her now? No. It would be too cruel. I wanted to be able to give her a hug, console her. Guilt sank its teeth into me.
Thank you, that’ll be so helpful! It’s probably far too early to buy one anyway. We’ll be at yours mid-afternoon, okay?
Ouch. Yes, way too early.
That’ll be great. Alice should have had her nap by then. See you Saturday xx
Can’t wait! Xx
‘So, they’re coming then?’ Steve’s eyes stayed fixed on the TV. The couple were coming to the end of their game.
‘Yeah. It would be too awful seeing Brenda upset over Skype and not being able to comfort her.’
‘Get in there!’ Steve roared at the TV. The couple had won £40,000.
He took my hands in his, shifted round so he was facing me. ‘Look, I know you don’t care about the cash and I love you for just wanting to help someone like Brenda, but think about t
rying for them again?’ He looked into my eyes. ‘I really want to help my best mate and his family, because they desperately need the money back he put into the business. God knows if the chemo will even work. I just know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t help him.’ He glanced down. I kissed his open palm. He looked up again with tears in his hangdog eyes. ‘And I want to do my best to carry on building the business – it’s our future at stake here too – you, me and Alice. And when you’re ready, you’ll be able to apply for a teacher training course and put some away for Alice.’
I nodded and stared down at our hands entwined; his ingrained with oil and dirt around the nails, next to my tiny pale fingers. ‘Okay, if they want me to try one final time, I promise I’ll seriously think about it.’
Chapter Seven
As Saturday approached, I couldn’t keep still. My mind going over and over everything they might say, asking why I hadn’t told them straight away. The thought of them thinking I was a liar left me feeling nauseous. The bleeding was relentless, and the sadness wouldn’t shift, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to smile about anything. By the end of Wednesday, I told Steve I’d have to call Brenda, prepare them for the bad news.
After the lunchtime rush, I stood in the back yard of the deli and dialled. The answerphone kicked in.
‘Hi Brenda, it’s Charlotte, I’m really sorry, but I should have said… there’s something important I need to tell you both on Saturday. Hope you’re okay. Bye!’ As soon as I hung up, I wanted to kick myself for sounding so cheerful.
Tash called out to me. ‘See that woman over there, in front of the laundrette? Been there all morning.’ She stood at the counter, pulling on a fresh pair of transparent hygiene gloves. They made me shudder and think of hospital.
Someone Else's Baby Page 3