I didn’t answer. I followed her, trying not to notice the other pregnant women holding baskets of beautiful clothes for their unborn babies.
‘We’ll need these, won’t we, for the hospital?’ She picked up a pack of newborn baby nappies and another of muslin squares.
‘I have lots of those at home you can have.’ I still used some to wipe Alice’s face and hands or mop up any mess she made.
‘There’s no harm buying new ones though, is there?’ She added a second pack to the basket. ‘Oh my, will you look at these sleepsuits. Aren’t they cute?’
‘Yeah, really sweet.’
She took down two designer outfits, with baby rabbits in lemon and white and mint and white. I would have loved to have had something so beautiful for Alice to wear, instead of the bundle of used clothes I’d bought at a boot sale.
‘That’s probably enough for now, isn’t it?’ I didn’t want to tell her what to spend her money on, but I was nervous of her buying so early.
Malcolm cleared his throat. I hadn’t noticed he was standing right behind us. ‘We need to get a move on.’ He tapped his watch.
* * *
At the hospital, I was called in quickly. Malcolm had paid for a private scan so they could both come in. We’d agreed not to explain who Malcolm and Brenda were. It was simpler that way. This was our business. In any case, Malcolm said they didn’t want to have to answer a load of questions.
I watched the midwife’s face weighing them up. Probably wondering if they were my parents or Steve’s, but too professional to ask.
The image on the screen couldn’t have been clearer. Two tiny babies, each moving in their own little space. This time I could see their delicate fingers and toes. My love for them was instant, a big whoosh right through my body. For a few precious moments, I forgot they weren’t mine.
‘Oh, Malcolm, just look at them.’ Brenda clung to his arm.
‘A healthy pair if ever I saw them,’ the midwife said.
Steve stretched back in his chair, hands linked above his head.
‘Are you going to find out the sex?’ The midwife wiped the gel off my stomach.
Brenda smiled. ‘Yes, I think we probably will.’ I wondered why Brenda hadn’t checked with me before we came in, although I had to remember, it wasn’t my decision.
The midwife switched the lights back on and left the room to fetch a printout of the scan. Steve held his phone up and took a photo of Malcolm and Brenda, but when Malcolm saw what he was doing, he jumped out of his seat and made a grab for the phone. Steve stood up too quickly for him and staggered back a step, trying to catch his balance, the chair tipping over as he held the phone far out of reach.
‘Delete that,’ Malcolm’s voice was more like a growl.
‘What for?’ Steve stayed standing.
I stole a sideways glance at Brenda. She’d frozen to her seat, eyes fixed on Malcolm. Why didn’t she say something?
‘I told you we want to keep our privacy.’ He spoke through clenched teeth.
‘I’m not going to show it to anyone, it’s only for us.’
‘Delete it.’ Malcolm spoke in a more threatening tone this time.
Steve scratched his head, half frowning half smiling, clearly as taken aback as I was.
‘All right mate, calm down.’ Steve clicked a couple of buttons.
‘Show me.’ Malcolm held out his hand.
Steve flashed the screen at him. ‘There, all gone.’
‘Swipe back so I can see.’
Steve did as he asked. Malcolm gave a nod and sat back down, his hand resting on Brenda’s leg. They exchanged a look that I tried to understand. Why had he flown off the handle like that?
‘We’re sorry, aren’t we, Steve, we thought it would be a nice memento for you, that’s all. No harm done.’ Steve could have airdropped it to them before deleting it. I looked to Brenda to at least acknowledge that we didn’t mean them any harm, but she stayed silent.
The midwife brought the scan picture back into the thick silence and handed it to me. I put it in my bag, my hands visibly shaking. We said our thank yous and shuffled out, heads down.
In the car park, Malcolm patted my shoulder. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’ He shook my hand, then Steve’s.
‘Goodbye,’ Brenda said at last, her face drawn with an injured expression. She waited until Malcolm was ahead of her, almost at the car. ‘I’m sorry he got so angry. He doesn’t want anyone knowing our private business, judging us for not being able to have our own children or for using a surrogate.’ She sighed. I imagined the kind of friends they had, ones with impossible standards, who only used hand-picked nannies to bring up their own, beautiful children.
‘It’s okay, it’s not your fault.’ I hugged her, but as Brenda drew back from me, she was shaking. ‘Are you going to be all right?’
‘I’ll be fine, it’s just my nerves. The pressure gets to him sometimes and it affects me. We’ve wanted a child for so long.’
I gave a nod. ‘Does he often get angry like that?’
‘No, no, not at all.’ She shook her head.
We hugged again and said goodbye.
Back in the car, Steve finally spoke. ‘What is his fucking problem?’ He smacked the wheel.
‘I don’t know, I’m in shock. How overboard can you get?’
‘I was doing them a favour.’
‘Although they did say no photos. We need to respect their wishes. Why be aggressive though?’
‘Well ha! I still have it.’ He stabbed his finger at his phone and showed me.
‘What?’ I sat up straight.
‘I emailed it to myself before I deleted it.’
‘What for?’
Steve shrugged. ‘Why not? Can’t tell me what to do.’
‘He seems to think he’s in charge of us.’
‘Didn’t have to try and grab it off me.’ He started the car.
‘Brenda said he’s not normally like that, but she was shaking. He can’t be like that with kids around.’
‘Better not be.’
‘He needs to control himself. It’s not like we’re going to run to the papers and sell our story, is it?’ I dug into my bag for my phone. Steve hadn’t meant any harm. ‘Oh no, look at this.’ I plucked the scan picture out of my bag. ‘I meant to give it to them.’
‘Why didn’t they ask you for it?’ Steve frowned.
‘I don’t know, I suppose they forgot because of the photo business.’
‘But if that was us, we’d have been dying to see it, wouldn’t we?’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded.
‘I don’t remember them even looking at it.’
‘Well, to be fair, we were in the middle of arguing. They must have forgotten. I did, didn’t I?’ But he was right, we would never have left without it.
He shook his head and drove us over to Mum’s in silence. When we arrived, Mum was playing with Alice on the living-room floor. Plastic cups and farmyard animals were scattered across the cream carpet.
‘Hello, sweetheart.’ I scooped Alice up and held her tight.
‘Everything well with the baby?’ Mum asked, turning The Archers off.
‘All good.’ Although I was still yet to tell her it was twins.
‘What is it?’ Mum asked. ‘Is there something else?’
‘If I tell you, please try not to be mad at me.’
Mum crossed her arms. I handed Alice to Steve. He took her to the window to point out a robin on the fence.
‘I’m having twins,’ I said.
‘Oh no.’ Mum opened her hands out in front of her, as if to catch the world falling apart.
‘They’re pleased and we’re pleased.’ I knelt down and collected up Alice’s toys. I counted up the animals but one of the baby piglets was missing.
‘My grandchildren and you’re giving them away?’
‘We’re getting more money for having two,’ Steve said.
Mum and I stared at him. If I’d had a gun in
my hand, I think I would have shot him in the foot.
‘So, selling them for more money makes it better, does it?’ Mum asked. ‘If it’s about your finances, I’ve told you before I’ve got a bit put by, I’m more than happy to help you.’
‘And like I’ve said before, that’s very kind of you, but I don’t want to rely on you for money.’
Mum looked away.
‘Alice is your grandchild,’ I took the half-chewed baby piglet from Alice’s hand, ‘these babies are not mine.’ I spread my fingers over my barely-there bump.
‘Don’t you feel anything for them?’
I shook my head, but a fizz of excitement and love had shot through me at seeing the new lives. Two babies tumbling together. Two peas in my little pod.
‘I remember every single one of my babies. I knew every kick, every pattern of their movements. I spoke to them, sang to them… even though I was never blessed with meeting them.’ Mum’s voice was filled with a haunting sadness.
‘Oh, Mum. That’s why I’m trying to do something good, to bring joy to this couple.’ I kissed Alice’s chubby toes.
‘These babies, Charlotte, they’re our flesh and blood.’
She wasn’t listening. My jaw set rigid. I turned away from her accusing face. Words backed up in my mouth. If I let them spill out, I’d never be able to take them back.
Steve quietly played peep-bo with Alice. I realised I still had my coat on. It was time to go.
‘We’re off,’ I said, pulling at Steve’s arm.
‘Oh, already? Bye bye, poppet,’ Mum kissed Alice as we bundled out of the door. Alice waved and made a b-b-b-b sound.
‘I knew I shouldn’t have told her,’ I whispered as soon as we crossed over the road.
‘She’d have found out.’ Steve strapped Alice into her car seat.
‘Why can’t she understand that I can make my own judgements and my own decisions? That I’m grown up now, and this is a good, kind thing to do.’
‘She’ll get used to it eventually, hun.’ Steve pulled me to his chest. The warmth of his musky aftershave calmed me. I shut my eyes and tried to imagine what it was like for the babies hearing all the muffled shouting, sensing my stress.
‘I think I’ll get Jean to babysit more for us. Might be easier while the babies are growing.’
‘Isn’t that the last thing your mum would want?’
‘I have to put me and the babies first. I can’t have them picking up on all this upset.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
‘I don’t know. I’m too tired now.’ I leaned back in my seat, cupping my arm around my tiny bump, still shocked at the aggressive side we’d seen in Malcolm. Was it something we needed to worry about? The only thing I was certain of was that the twins were my priority, and for now they belonged to me.
Chapter Eighteen
I kept in touch with Brenda by text, updating her on my progress with selfies. It wasn’t until a month after we’d last seen them that we Skyped again.
Brenda gave one of her finger waves. ‘How are you? I hope you’re well.’ She seemed her usual glam self. They were sitting on a corner sofa on their patio – a huge lawn behind them, enclosed by trees and bushes, more like a park. I could just make out an arch near the bottom, which Brenda had told me led to her rose garden.
‘Thank you, I’m fine.’
Malcolm smiled, relaxed in his chair. I searched his face for traces of anger from the day of the scan. I needed to know I could trust him, that it had been a one-off.
‘How are you both?’ Steve asked.
‘Been so busy. We flew back from Saudi on Monday,’ Brenda said.
‘I’m lucky if I go to Brighton beach.’ I darted a look at Steve. He shook his head slowly, as though I was making it all up. But the truth was we hadn’t been able to afford a holiday for ages.
‘You two okay?’ Brenda frowned at us.
‘We’re fine.’ I linked my arm through Steve’s.
‘Let’s see your bump then.’ Brenda clapped her hands.
I stood in front of the screen sideways and smoothed my hand down my T-shirt, holding it close to me at the bottom to emphasise the full roundness of my tummy.
‘Gosh, getting so big already.’ Brenda’s eyes flashed.
‘Only a month until the twenty-week scan.’
‘Yes. We wanted to talk to you about that.’ Brenda turned to Malcolm for a second, then back to the screen. ‘We’d like to be there please, to find out the sex of the twins.’
I wanted to say no after Malcolm’s outburst last time, but I didn’t want to let Brenda down. ‘As long as everyone stays calm this time.’
‘Thank you, we appreciate it, don’t we?’ She nudged him gently with her elbow.
Malcolm seemed distracted, glancing behind him as though she was talking to someone else. Probably had some big business deal on his mind.
‘Will you still be going on these business trips when they’re born?’ I asked.
‘Probably not straight away. We might need to hire a nanny,’ Brenda said, glancing at Malcolm, who nodded.
‘I’m thinking of giving up work a bit earlier than I planned to. I’m managing my shift at the moment, but at the rate these babies are growing I wonder if I’ll need to stop sooner.’
Malcolm rubbed his chin. He seemed more relaxed, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I was past the first trimester. Brenda was right, he was more sensitive than he let on. I felt satisfied that it had been his way of showing his love for the twins.
* * *
I fainted at work the following Monday. The café was packed at lunchtime and, maybe because of the confined space and the air filled with the musty smell of damp bodies from the unexpected rain shower, I couldn’t breathe.
Shell told me later that when I fell, everyone let out a collective gasp. Several people jumped up from their seats to help me. Fortunately, I slumped onto my side and was only out for a few seconds. Tash called Steve while Shell made me a cup of sweet tea. I soon felt better.
Steve finished work early and drove me home. He made me go to bed while he warmed a tin of tomato soup. Mum got wind of the incident and came knocking within the hour. Steve wasn’t thinking and let her in.
‘I know you don’t want me here, and I’m not stopping, but I had to come and see how you are. Glenys called me. A friend of hers was in the café when you fainted.’ She barged past Steve and plonked herself on a chair by the bed. ‘How are you feeling?’ She touched my forehead with her warm hand.
‘A bit spaced out.’ I didn’t have the energy to argue or ask her to leave.
‘Haven’t you been eating properly?’ She glared at Steve. ‘Are you looking after her?’
I remembered the time she looked after me when I was off sick from school with flu. She’d snuggled up with me on the sofa under my duvet and we’d watched Toy Story and eaten a bag of popcorn.
‘I’m eating all the time, Mum. These babies need so much food. I’m constantly hungry.’ I had to smile at Steve, standing to one side of the sink, trying to hide the pile of pizza boxes, my latest not-so-secret craving.
‘Who’s been looking after Alice for you?’ Her voice became as high and taut as a violin string.
‘Jean, from upstairs. She’s babysat for us before and I used to look after hers, remember? It’s easier at the moment with her so close by.’
Mum’s face fell. It took a second or two for her to speak. ‘I hope these people are paying for all that. You could have had me for nothing.’
‘We thought you’d like a bit more time to yourself now you’re going to the gym more often, didn’t we, Steve?’ I needed help here, but he was staying shtum.
‘Did I ask for any?’ Mum fussed about with my duvet, pulling it up to my chin. Any moment she’d knock the bowl of tomato soup with her elbow and murder would be committed on my clean white sheets. When Mum became uptight, her head moved in a jerky way, like a chicken. I realised that it’s not until you
grow up that you notice your parents’ flaws. And then they bug you like hell.
‘Well no, but… look, I’m sorry.’ I could tell her we didn’t want the hassle at the moment – that sometimes it was easier not having her around because she had a knack of invading our space, taking over wherever she went. How much longer could I prevent her from meeting Malcolm and Brenda? No doubt there’d be something about them she’d find alarming or that gave her ‘cause for concern’. Why couldn’t she find the good in people?
Ever since Dad had walked out eight years ago, then met and moved in with Sandra four years ago, Mum had become bitter and suspicious of everyone new. If Sandra had been a twenty-something bit of skirt, I think in some ways Mum could have dealt with it better. But Dad’s unexpected choice of a fifty-year-old widow, size fourteen with greying hair and glasses, Mum could not fathom. It was so much more insulting for a woman like Mum, only in her mid-forties, trim figure, appointments pre-booked for the coming months at the beauty salon.
‘What does he see in Sandra?’ Mum often still asked. ‘Is it because I’m a hairdresser and she’s clever – a doctor of something or other – is that it?’
I would half nod, not wanting to take sides. But I liked Sandra and her intelligent beauty. She encouraged me to think about going to college, the good I could do in the world with a better education. I couldn’t tell Mum that. She would see it as my endorsement of her rival; a betrayal.
‘I think they just clicked,’ I’d told her, ‘they’re friends, they laugh together. She’s not fussed if he wears blue with brown or leaves his clothes on the floor now and again. He cooks and keeps the garden tidy, takes the bins out.’
‘He never did any of that for me,’ she’d said.
I don’t think she’d realised how miserable she’d been to be around towards the end of their marriage. Her deep unhappiness had to leach out somewhere, and it was Dad who’d suffered the brunt of it.
‘I’ll leave you both to it.’ Mum got up to go.
‘I’m sorry.’
She swung round and pointed her finger at Steve. ‘Make sure you take good care of my daughter, please.’
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