‘It wouldn’t hurt would it?’ Brenda patted his leg. He glowered at her.
‘I think the child should be given the chance of getting to know me when he or she is older, if they want to. Isn’t that their human right?’
‘Come on Malcolm, it’s not too much to ask is it?’ Steve said, linking his arm through mine.
‘Charlotte is doing this amazing thing for us,’ Brenda said.
Malcolm had nodded his agreement in the end, but I wondered now if it was only because we pushed him into it, if he ever intended to stick to his word.
I wiped my finger up and down the mirror until I could see myself again, like peering through a little window into the future. What would Alice make of it all when she was older, when we told her we’d given away her half-brother or sister? I hoped that if she was able to grow up knowing the child, it would be easier for her to accept. But even if we did keep in touch, the child might resent me for not keeping them. And how would they feel when they discovered I took money in exchange? They might believe it was a heartless transaction – that I sold them for cash. My gut twisted into a knot because it was true, I was taking payments for a baby. Even though it was money for expenses, I’d probably end up having to defend myself.
Chapter Fifteen
The sickness kicked in fully the following week. Relentless nausea that led to throwing up every time I tried to eat. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself knowing that Jack was about to start chemo, but I felt so ill I’d already had three days off work and Steve said Tash was not happy when he went to pick up his lunch.
Tash had never been able to have children, but she’d wanted them dearly. Her husband let it slip to me soon after I had Alice. I thought they should try surrogacy, but I didn’t say. They were about the same age as Malcolm. I’d always made sure I didn’t overdo the baby talk at work except to Shell, who had two of her own at primary school. She thought Tash was jealous of me having a baby for someone else. I did feel sorry for her.
While I was still off sick, Mum called in unexpectedly one lunchtime. I opened the door still in my pyjamas, my face probably sickly pale.
‘When were you going to tell me you were pregnant again?’ She bustled in after me, dumping a bag of One Stop shopping on the counter. I slumped on the end of the bed and dragged the sick bucket between my legs. I felt too weak to fight with her.
‘It’s the last time, I promise,’ I said.
She tutted as she unloaded a punnet of grapes, a bottle of orange juice, a pint of milk and a loaf of bread.
‘I don’t want us to fall out. Please, just let me do this?’
She stopped and stared at me, her lips pulled in tight like she was trying not to cry. Her eyes shut for a long second and I detected the faintest nod.
After a week with no let up, Steve booked me in to see the doctor. I’d lost weight; my jeans were falling off me. Mum didn’t say a word when we dropped Alice with her. The worry was right there in her eyes.
‘Do you think I should call Brenda?’ I asked as we got in the car.
‘What’s the point?’ Steve said.
‘I promised to keep them in the loop.’
‘She’ll only worry. Let’s at least see what the doc says first.’
The doctor prescribed anti-sickness medicine and sent me straight over to the hospital for an early pregnancy scan to make sure the baby wasn’t affected.
‘Now we’ll have to call Brenda. You know they’re funny about me taking drugs, they don’t even want me to have paracetamol. They’ll have to accept I need to take these, though, won’t they?’ I said, wringing my hands.
‘Okay, slow down, let’s wait and see what the scan tells us first.’ Steve pulled into the hospital car park. I didn’t know how he always managed to stay so calm. As we parked, I caught sight of a woman in a light-coloured trouser suit hurrying towards the hospital building. I unclipped my seatbelt and leaned forward, straining to see her more clearly, but she’d already gone. Had I imagined the bounce of curly dark hair? It couldn’t be the same woman, could it?
‘You okay?’ Steve asked.
‘Yeah, I’m fine, it’s nothing.’
In the waiting area, I put a hand to my non-existent bump and wondered what was going on in there. If I didn’t drink too much or eat large quantities, I was mostly all right. But the doctor had told me to drink about a litre of water before the scan. God help me if I threw it all back up.
Sure enough, after four large glasses of water swishing about in my stomach, I rushed to the toilet. I was only sick once thankfully. When I was called, Steve helped me to the scan room.
The midwife squirted warm gel on my bare stomach. She pushed the paddle down and swept it steadily across my skin. I reached for Steve’s hand. He squeezed mine tight. I couldn’t do this without his support. I wanted to cry, praying this baby was okay.
‘Well well, look at this.’ The midwife’s face brightened. She swivelled the screen towards us. ‘You’re having twins, my darling.’
I drew in a breath, staring in utter wonderment at the two hearts flickering on the dark hazy image. I was unable to speak.
‘Two babies.’ Steve stared at the screen, mesmerised.
I lapped up the moment until reality pinched my chest. They weren’t our babies.
‘They’re still so tiny, which is why we can’t see them very well, but they both have strong healthy heartbeats.’
I blinked away tears. Brenda should be here to see this. Steve gawped at me.
‘Bit of a shock for you, eh? Double trouble.’ The midwife chuckled.
‘Was not expecting that for a single second.’ Steve touched his forehead.
‘Let me measure them for you. Here we are, five weeks, three days. Not too long until the twelve-week check-up so take the medication for the sickness, it will really help stabilise you and allow these two to get all the nourishment they need. Eat little and often. Most sickness passes by the end of the first trimester.’
I left the room, a mixture of horror and elation swirling inside me.
All the way home, Steve and I sat in stunned silence.
‘What will Brenda say?’ I said at last.
Steve shrugged. ‘I’m guessing she’ll be pleased. Not so sure about Malcolm.’ We stopped at traffic lights and turned to each other.
‘They will want both babies, won’t they?’
‘Shit. It’s not in the agreement.’ The lights turned green. He drove on.
‘Why didn’t we think of it?’ I twisted round in my seat, my hand on the dashboard to steady myself.
‘I don’t know. When are we going to tell them?’
‘Today, it has to be today,’ I said. ‘If it comes to it, we’ll keep one, won’t we?’ I tried to catch Steve’s eye.
‘Wouldn’t we put it up for adoption?’
‘What? My baby?’ My heart thudded against my chest.
‘It’s not yours though, is it?’ His voice was gentle.
A flash of heat surged through me. ‘It is if they don’t want it.’
We stopped at another red light. I imagined my face flushing the same colour.
‘They’re sure to want both anyway.’ He nodded, probably trying to convince himself as well as me.
‘We can’t assume they will.’ I flopped back in the seat.
‘Maybe we could ask for more money.’
I shook my head in disbelief.
‘Why not?’
Two kids on the back seat of the car in front of us were jumping all over the place, clearly not strapped in. ‘I have to go and say something,’ I said, unclicking my seat belt.
‘No, you can’t.’ The lights turned amber.
‘But those kids are in danger, right there in front of us.’ I opened the door and started to get out.
‘You can’t fix everyone, Charlotte.’
‘What do you mean?’ I glared back at his face lined with worry. ‘Those children are too young to know it’s dangerous. Look at the mother, yacking on her p
hone.’
‘Please leave it, the lights are changing.’ He caught hold of my wrist.
‘Is that what you think, that I’m some bloody do-gooder?’ I shook him off. The car in front moved forward, another beeped us from behind.
‘Of course not. I know you can’t help caring, but I think there’s a point where you have to let things go.’
I swung my legs back in, slammed the door shut and fastened my seat belt. Why hadn’t any of us thought about the possibility of twins? I’d seen nothing about it on the forums. ‘What if they want me to abort one, like with IVF?’ A shiver passed through me.
Steve was silent.
‘I’m telling you now, I will not do that for anyone.’ I crossed my arms. I’d tried to stay emotionally distant, but it was impossible not to love these two tiny lives growing inside me.
Chapter Sixteen
I texted Brenda and arranged a call with them for when we got home. As soon as I got in, I ran to the toilet to be sick. Steve brought me a glass of water and when I felt better, I took my first sickness tablet.
Steve logged on to Skype. I sat Alice on my lap with her favourite musical book, Incy Wincy Spider. Malcolm and Brenda were sitting in what looked like a games room, a snooker table behind them and a bar in the corner. The patio doors were open, showing a lawn I couldn’t see the end of.
‘Hello, Alice, how are you?’ Brenda waved.
‘She’s got yet another new tooth, haven’t you, sweetheart.’ I tickled Alice’s sides. Her mouth opened when she giggled. ‘Can you see it?’
Brenda moved closer to the screen. ‘Oh yes, isn’t it tiny? Bless her. Is it bothering her much?’ She sat back and put her hand on Malcolm’s knee.
‘Not too bad so far, but she’s dribbling like mad.’ Steve took her from me and wiped Alice’s chin with a muslin cloth.
‘We’ve got some good and bad news,’ I said.
Malcolm’s face didn’t move. Brenda frowned.
‘I’ve been sick again, I mean a lot. I hoped it would pass, but it’s been getting worse.’
‘When she says sick, she means vomiting all the time, day and night, every half-hour or so,’ Steve said.
‘I’m so sorry, you poor thing.’ Brenda glanced at Malcolm, who wrinkled his forehead.
‘The thing is, the doctor had to give me drugs to control it because I can’t keep a thing down. Not even water. I’ve actually lost weight.’
‘Oh Charlotte.’ Brenda moved to the edge of her seat.
‘I know you said no drugs, but I really don’t have much choice. I hope you understand.’
‘She’ll only need to take the pills up to the twelve-week point, with any luck,’ Steve added.
‘Are they concerned about the baby?’ Brenda moved close to the screen again, this time half blocking Malcolm.
‘Well that’s the good news…’ I could hardly contain my smile. ‘The doctor sent me for an early scan to make sure the baby is fine, or should I say, babies.’
‘What?’ Brenda jumped a few inches out of her seat and her hands sprung up.
‘How many?’ Malcolm burst into a smile.
‘You’re having twins,’ Steve said.
‘Oh my lord, I can’t believe it,’ Brenda cried. She reached forward. ‘I so want to give you a virtual hug right now.’
‘Me too. Isn’t it exciting?’ I beamed, delighted at their response. I could almost detect the pent-up tension draining from my body. ‘I’m almost six weeks already.’
‘This is wonderful. Two babies!’ Brenda held her palms to her pink cheeks.
Malcolm nodded, his face creased as though he was trying not to cry.
‘I’m so glad you’re happy about it. We didn’t know if you’d set your mind on having just one. For some reason, we never discussed the possibility of twins.’
‘We’d be happy with any number, wouldn’t we?’ Brenda said.
Malcolm leaned towards the screen. ‘We’ll pay you an extra ten thousand.’
‘Really?’ Steve and I looked at each other.
‘Absolutely. I’ll give you ten at the six-month stage and fifteen when you hand them over. Thirty-five total.’
‘That… that’s just brilliant, isn’t it?’ Steve grinned at me stupidly.
‘It’s really not necessary, but thank you.’ My stomach tightened.
Steve stared at me wide-eyed as though I’d lost my mind. He pulled at my hand, but I tugged it away.
‘I insist.’ Malcolm leaned back in his chair, pressing his palms together.
I let out a deep sigh, but no one seemed to notice.
‘I know it’s early days and if anything goes wrong it will hurt all the more,’ Brenda turned to Malcolm and cupped his face in her hands, ‘but I want to enjoy each moment along our journey, even if it ends… differently. I want to celebrate these tiny lives every step of the way.’
Malcolm’s face softened. He took her hand in his and kissed it. I realised how worried and tense he must have been all along and I’d made out he didn’t care about this as much as Brenda. How mean of me to think that.
‘We’ll do everything in our power to protect them, we promise, don’t we?’ I linked my arm through Steve’s. He was unusually quiet. He cleared his throat.
‘We’re made up for you, we really are,’ he said.
* * *
By Monday, I was well enough to go back to work. Tash didn’t say much at first, but I explained to her why I’d tried again for this couple, that being their surrogate was important to me because of Mum.
‘Well, I hope they appreciate it,’ Tash said, wiping down the countertop, collecting breadcrumbs in her cupped hand.
‘They do, honestly. I’m sorry for the time off. I’ll try and make it up.’
‘All right, but you can’t overdo it, can you? It’s not just yourself you need to look after.’
Shell told me after our shift that Tash had been going on about replacing me if I had any more days off.
‘She can’t do that, can she?’ I said.
Shell stubbed her cigarette out on the wall behind the bus stop. ‘I told her, that’s unfair dismissal, that is. Charlotte could make a claim against you.’
I giggled. ‘What did she say to that?’
‘Nothing.’
‘She was actually all right to me today.’ I hoped I’d put her mind at rest.
The nausea came back every now and again, but not enough to keep me off work. The weeks merged into each other. I hadn’t told anyone else I was expecting twins, not even Mum. I’d been avoiding telling her, knowing what her reaction would be. It seemed like such a big thing to say and for Mum in particular to take in. Double the pressure for me to produce two healthy babies and twice as disappointing for her.
I went up to Jean’s flat to collect Alice after work.
‘Come in, come in,’ Jean said, holding Alice on her hip, ‘we’ve just finished playing on the tambourine.’
‘She loves music, don’t you, darling?’ Alice put her hands out to me. I lifted her into my arms. ‘She’s obsessed with her little keyboard. It mainly plays the songs for her, but she loves it.’
‘Do you want a cuppa? I’ve just made a pot.’
‘Oh yeah, go on then. I wanted to ask your advice about something.’
She brought two mugs of tea into her living area and passed one to me. We sat on the sofa bed covered in a throw. Even though she minded children every day, her flat was far tidier than ours.
‘I found out I’m expecting twins.’
‘Oh my god, Charlotte. How do you feel about that?’ She put her mug down with a clonk, sloshing a bit of tea over the side.
‘Little bit shocked still, but not as shocked as Mum will be when I tell her.’
‘Ah… of course.’
‘Do I tell her? She’s going to be so upset with me.’ I sipped my tea. It tasted strong.
‘From what you’ve told me, it’s a really big deal for her, isn’t it?’
‘Completely and I get a
ll that, of course I do, but maybe I should leave it a few months?’
‘Until she guesses? And she more than likely will. I think that would be cruel. You need to be honest with her now.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘This is your decision and you have to stand by it, whatever the outcome. This is you, her grown-up daughter, deciding for herself to have babies for a childless couple. She will respect you for it in the end.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘I do. But that’s just my own take on it. I’m not the one expecting twins for someone else. You need to do what you think is right for you.’
Deep down I knew she was right, but it didn’t stop me worrying about upsetting Mum all over again.
Chapter Seventeen
The twelve-week scan was booked in for Thursday at 1 p.m. I’d have preferred Brenda to come on her own, give us a chance to have a girly chat, but I didn’t say. We met at Debenhams café in Bedford town centre so that Brenda could have a look at prams first. She rushed forward and gave me a hug, squealing with delight when she saw my bump was starting to show. I’d done my best to eat healthily and take my vitamin pills.
‘Almost time to meet your kids.’ Steve shook Malcolm’s hand. We took the lift up to the baby section. Brenda made a beeline for the Silver Cross pram and pushchair combination display.
‘This is the one I saw online. There’s a double option over here, see? Isn’t that clever?’
‘It’s really smart, and versatile.’ I tried to sound enthusiastic. It cost over sixteen hundred pounds. ‘Don’t you think you should wait a bit longer though?’ It was still so early in the pregnancy, even though it was further than last time, it felt like she’d be jinxing it.
‘I suppose so. I just wanted to show you, see what you thought.’
‘It’s the perfect choice. Does everything you want it to.’ I hoped I came across as excited. Steve was loitering around the toy section while Malcolm seemed to be on his phone.
‘Let’s have a quick look at outfits. I’m allowed to buy a few little things, aren’t I?’
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