Someone Else's Baby

by Someone Else's Baby (retail) (epub)

  ‘You have my word, Gloria.’ He walked with her to the main door. I sighed. I shouldn’t leave things like that, but I was struggling to find the energy to make peace with Mum.

  I’d been thinking lately about going to visit Dad, see his new house, but I didn’t fancy the heat in Portugal when I was so uncomfortable already. I’d promised to Skype him. As soon as I saw Mum drive off, I decided to call him. He was sitting up on a sun-lounger by the pool, cowboy-style hat shading his face.

  ‘Hi Charlie, how are you, sweetheart?’

  I smiled, hearing his special nickname for me.

  ‘I’m fine, Dad, how are you? Looks lovely there.’ I propped my phone up against a mug.

  ‘Hot today. When are you coming over? It’s been ages since we’ve seen you and Alice.’

  ‘I’d love to, but I’d be so uncomfortable in that heat.’

  ‘What’s wrong, darling?’

  I twisted the edge of my cardigan. ‘I fainted at work.’

  ‘Oh, darling, are you all right?’ He sat up and moved into the shade.

  ‘I should be okay now.’ I felt the tears gathering.

  ‘Hey come on, sweetheart. Is it your mum?’ He took his hat off. His face came closer to the screen, clear blue eyes deep set in weathered mahogany skin. I remembered a time when there wasn’t a line on his face. I’d run my tiny fingers up and down his stubble then onto smooth skin.

  ‘You know how it is.’ My hands linked into a fist in my lap.

  ‘I wish she’d support you, put her own feelings aside.’

  I gave a single hopeless laugh.

  ‘You’re doing a brave and noble thing and it’s completely your choice. It’s your body.’

  ‘Try telling Mum that.’ After Steve, it was Dad who I’d confided in about wanting to be a surrogate, how helpless I’d felt growing up, watching Mum go through one loss after another. I’d told him about Kerry having a baby for her brother and how good it made me feel thinking I could do that for someone too. He’d admitted he was worried in case anything went wrong, but said risks came with anything worth doing.

  ‘She’s worried about you. You’re still so young, our little girl. And after everything, it’s…’

  I nodded. ‘But I’m healthy. I’ve had a baby. I’ve researched it to death. I tick all the boxes.’

  ‘There you are then. As long as you’re happy about it, it doesn’t matter what we think.’

  Silence.

  ‘Except it does to me, Dad.’ Tears spilled onto my cheeks.

  ‘Oh, sweetheart. I don’t know what else to say, except that you’re your own person now. Your mum knows you’re trying to help someone who suffered like she did. She’s just taking a bit longer to get used to that.’

  I nodded and brushed away the tears with my fingertips. I wasn’t sure Mum would ever change her mind.

  * * *

  I fainted again over the weekend. I was in our flat and Steve was there to help me. The doctors’ was shut so he rushed me to A & E. They took a series of tests and found I had a kidney infection. I was sent home with a course of antibiotics.

  Sometimes I wished the pregnancy was over. Time dragged. I lived minute by minute. When both babies moved at the same time, it was as though I lost control of my body. At work, Tash wouldn’t give me any slack. I texted Brenda about going on maternity leave. She called me back on FaceTime, later that day.

  ‘You poor thing,’ Brenda said as soon as I told her all about the trip to the hospital and the tests.

  ‘I’m so sorry, but I’m on yet another load of medication. I promise you I didn’t have any of this trouble when I was pregnant with Alice.’

  ‘It’s not your fault. It must be miserable for you. You look well though.’ Brenda was sitting in the sunshine further down her garden than before, on a tiered decking area with sofas and oversized silver herons either side of a hot tub.

  ‘I don’t feel it. I have to drink loads of water so I’m on the loo half the day. My boss keeps going on at me, even though I can’t help it.’

  ‘Look, if you do decide to stop work early, this week, next week, whenever, then just do it, we’ll support you in every way we can.’

  ‘I’ll talk to Steve and Tash and decide on a finish date.’

  ‘Great. Now, how are my little babies?’

  ‘Moving well. I think they’re responding to your voice, your unusual accent.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve been here too long.’ She laughed.

  ‘You never said whereabouts in America you’re from.’

  ‘Sorry, I thought I had. I was born in New York, came over here about fifteen years ago.’

  ‘Oh, so you met Malcolm there?’

  ‘We met here but decided to live in Manhattan for a few years.’

  I held my phone so she could see my bump. It was the first time I’d properly talked to her without Malcolm being around. What if she decided to go back to the US? How would I be able to keep in touch with the twins?

  When I looked at the screen, expecting to see Brenda beaming at my growing bump, she was crying.

  ‘They’ll be all right,’ I tried to reassure her. It must be hard being so far away and not having any control. She had to rely on me completely, which was why I was determined to do the best I could. I’d been going to the grocers on the corner of the high street every morning on the way to work, buying myself a small selection of fruit and veg to graze on. I’d cut out our weekly Chinese takeaway because of the MSG and high salt content. I’d even made the switch to decaf coffee. Not one single drop of alcohol this time either. I didn’t want to take any chances with these precious babies.

  Brenda kept checking over her shoulder.

  ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ I asked.

  Brenda nodded, pressing her lips together tightly. Malcolm started up the mower at the end of the garden.

  ‘You’d tell me if it was something serious, wouldn’t you?’ Brenda said. I could ask her the same question.

  ‘Honestly, it’s just an infection. The babies aren’t affected. This course of tablets should clear it up. Anyway, it’ll be time to find out what sex they are soon. Is it one of each you want?’

  ‘That’s what I’d like, but…’ Brenda hesitated, looking over at Malcolm again. He had his back to her. ‘The thing is… he’d prefer boys.’

  ‘He never said that before. You know I can’t guarantee what sex they’re going to be. Surely what matters is that they’re healthy? I think they will be. Look at the size of me.’ I blew my cheeks full of air to make her laugh.

  A faint smile crossed her lips.

  ‘Seriously, he’ll be happy whatever they are, won’t he?’

  But her gaze dipped to one side, eyelashes flickering as though she was a robot shutting down.

  ‘Brenda?’ But I was looking over her shoulder, at Malcolm striding towards her.

  ‘I’m not supposed to say I… I’d better go.’ She stared at me for a long second, close to the screen, so I could almost feel her short breaths on my skin.

  ‘Talk to me.’ I tried to read her face, her eyes. Malcolm was right behind her, his face out of shot.

  She reached out, fingertips skimming the screen. Then it went blank.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I tried calling Brenda back several times, but she didn’t pick up. Now I knew Malcolm could lose his temper, I understood why Brenda seemed so anxious sometimes, as though she was trying not to upset him. Why had neither of them mentioned he wanted a boy when I was pregnant before? What if it had been a girl? What if I was carrying two girls now?

  Steve brought home pizza and chips for dinner. Not the healthiest choice, but I had mine with a couple of pickled onions to cut through the fat.

  As it was a warm evening, we took a grizzly Alice to the Forest Centre in her buggy to help her fall asleep. Another new tooth had been bothering her all day. Now the sickness and fainting had passed, I was getting to know the twins better. Their movements and kicks were often the highlight of my
day, although sometimes the full tumbles stopped me in my tracks. Alice liked to watch the imprints of their feet as they pushed out my skin. In some ways I wished they were brothers or sisters for her. I’d asked the doctor if having the twins might affect my chances of giving birth to one of our own in the future, and she said it shouldn’t do, but that nothing was guaranteed. The last thing I wanted was for Alice to grow up as a lone child like me.

  I’d never forgotten the excitement of looking forward to having a brother or sister to play with. On the last weekend of the summer holidays, I’d ridden my bike to the park for the first time with Mum and Dad. They carried the picnic basket, a handle each, while Dad whistled all the way to the edge of the lake, a rolled-up blanket under his arm. We ate lunch, then played football, while Mum sat under a tree, balancing a book on her bump. But she wasn’t reading, she was staring into the distance at the shimmering water.

  They’d kept the first two stillbirths from me. I was only five so I wasn’t aware that anything could go wrong, that this baby brother or sister I longed for with all my heart and made Mummy look comically fat, could be born sleeping.

  It was the last time I remembered us being happy all together. Funny how you don’t realise at the time; that life is never going to be the same again.

  Steve and I sat on a seat carved out from a felled tree, painted with mermaids. I told Steve about my call with Brenda and what she had said about Malcolm wanting boys.

  ‘I don’t remember that ever coming up before.’ Steve sat back with his legs stretched out.

  ‘I’m worried that if I have girls, he won’t want them.’ I picked a buttercup from a patch of wild grass. Alice’s eyes sparkled as I twirled it between my fingers. ‘And, on top of it, they don’t seem to be getting on at all. Brenda looked really upset, like she was almost scared of telling me.’

  ‘It’s stressful for all of us, so it’s bound to put a strain on their relationship.’

  ‘They must have argued about it. He’ll probably be even more mad at her now.’

  ‘He should have said at the beginning.’

  ‘We wouldn’t have gone ahead though, would we?’ I held the buttercup under Steve’s chin. Alice giggled at its yellow glow.

  ‘I suppose not.’ Steve took the flower and held it under Alice’s chin.

  ‘Well, now they’ll have to wait until the twins are born to find out what sex they are,’ I said.

  ‘Why’s that?’

  Alice reached forward and took the buttercup from him.

  ‘Because I’ve decided not to tell them the date of the twenty-week scan.’

  Chapter Twenty

  For the next four days I switched off my phone. I hadn’t sulked like this since the day Dad left. We went down the club one night with Dan, Carly and the gang, but mostly we stayed in. I resisted the urge to turn my mobile back on. On the fifth day, I was on my laptop when an email arrived from Brenda saying she didn’t blame me for being upset, but please, please could I call her.

  Without waiting to speak to Steve, I switched my phone on. More than twenty missed calls from Brenda flagged up and several texts, begging me to answer or call straight back.

  I knew I should wait until after the scan, but I couldn’t bear the thought of Brenda being so upset. I was on my lunch break so I texted Brenda to FaceTime me. She called straight away.

  ‘Charlotte, thank god! I thought we’d lost you.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I thought you’d changed your mind after what I told you, I thought you might have had an abortion.’ Her hollow face filled the screen. There were smudges under her eyes, her skin pale and blotchy. I hadn’t meant to upset her, it was Malcolm I was mad at. I should have turned my phone on sooner.

  ‘God, I could never do that! These babies are far too precious.’ I could feel their movements every day. I liked to talk to them while I was walking or washing up. I suppose I took it for granted that we’d already built up a bond, whereas Brenda would have to start from scratch, from the day they were born.

  She squashed a tissue into a tight ball, hands trembling.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ I asked.

  She propped up her tablet on the table in front of her and pulled at her cuffs like she usually did. The clothes she wore were always smart but slightly too big for her. She was crying now, head bowed, turning the tissue in her fingers until it grew smaller and smaller, more tightly compact. ‘I honestly thought it was all over.’ Her voice faded as if she were disappearing in front of my eyes.

  ‘I admit I was upset and I’m sorry for blocking your calls, but I needed space to think.’ I held a hand over my bump. ‘We all have a responsibility to these babies. I’d hate to think they were unwanted because of their gender. It would be wrong and it would totally break my heart.’

  ‘I completely agree. Whatever sex they are we should take them.’

  ‘Should? Should isn’t enough, Brenda. And what about Malcolm? Does he even know you’re calling me?’

  ‘No, but I will tell him. He knows I’m not happy about it.’

  ‘I don’t understand. Why would he only want boys?’ The words I’d been wanting to say, spilled out. ‘And what if they’re both girls?’

  Brenda’s eyes swelled with tears.

  ‘I’m sorry to be blunt, but I need to know because, to be honest, I think it’s awful, especially as he never mentioned it before.’

  Brenda rested her face in her hands. The top of her head filled the screen. Her roots were coming through. Not a natural blonde after all. The new growth was most definitely ginger.

  ‘Is there something else you want to tell me?’ I asked more gently.

  Brenda didn’t seem able to look at me. She shook her head, her lips quivering.

  ‘We should all meet up. Discuss this face-to-face.’

  ‘Yes, we must. I’ll tell Malcolm.’

  ‘And you think he’ll be all right with that?’

  ‘He’ll have to be.’ Brenda glanced up, a flash of determination in her eyes.

  ‘He can’t dictate to us like this.’ I wished I could reach out and put my arms around her. Perhaps he really was only doing this for Brenda. But if his heart wasn’t in it, how well would he treat the children?

  ‘You’re right. We need to get back on track.’ She sniffed and dabbed her eyes with the balled-up tissue.

  ‘I was thinking it would be best if I go for the scan on my own…’ I brought my phone closer to my face, ‘…and not find out what sex they are.’

  Brenda didn’t speak for a moment. ‘I suppose it’s for the best.’

  ‘And once the babies are here, none of this will matter. I bet we’ll all be laughing about how silly it was.’

  Brenda stared at me. ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this, but he’s had it in his head about having a son for a long time. It’s because he had a younger brother who died when he was a teenager. I hoped he’d got past that.’

  My stomach tightened. ‘I’m really sorry to hear that, but I’m wondering what you want, Brenda?’

  She blinked a few times. ‘I… I don’t mind… one of each?’

  ‘Then you tell Malcolm, he’ll have to accept whatever sex the twins are.’ Part of me wondered what else he was holding back.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I drove to the hospital on my own for the twenty-week scan. Steve couldn’t get away from work and there was no way I was going to ask Mum. She’d be in tears seeing what she only thought of as her grandchildren.

  I was the first to be called into the small dim room. I made a point of never mentioning that I was a surrogate mother to any of the midwives or doctors I saw, so I didn’t have to answer any questions. It was no one else’s business.

  ‘Let’s have a look at these babies for you.’ The midwife squirted gel onto my skin. The stretch marks looked like red jagged tears, as though something had clawed at me.

  She stared at the computer screen for what felt like ages, without saying a word.

>   I bit my finger. Please be all right, both of you.

  ‘Here we are, they’re both moving around nicely.’ A screen on the wall came to life and there they were, two perfect babies, swimming in their individual sacs. ‘This one on the right is a bit smaller, but that’s perfectly normal. Do you want to know what sex they are?’ The midwife blinked at me over her glasses, her smile encouraging me to say yes.

  ‘Please,’ I found myself saying. What was I doing?

  The midwife smiled all the more and my face lit up too. The stress of the last few days fell away. Right now, it was about me and the twins. I wanted to know everything I could about them and keep them safe. And it would be my little secret, even from Steve.

  ‘This smaller one on the right is a boy and the bigger one on the left is a girl.’

  I covered my smile with the back of my hand, but I couldn’t stop the tears coming.

  ‘Aw, is one of each what you wanted?’ The midwife passed me a tissue and a sheet of paper towel to wipe the gel off.

  ‘Yes, yes it was.’ I had to stop myself blurting everything out about how happy this would make Brenda, but I managed to hold it in. ‘Thank you,’ was all I could say when she handed me a scan of the twins with my notes. I couldn’t take my eyes off the picture. It was going to be harder than I thought giving them away, especially to Malcolm. Would he keep the girl as well as the boy? What kind of childhood would the twins have with a father prone to angry outbursts and controlling behaviour? But perhaps he was overreacting because the babies were so precious to him and it had taken him forever to become a dad?

  As soon as I got outside, I texted Brenda to say all was well and that we needed to meet up with them as soon as possible. I’d do whatever I could to keep the twins together.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The following Saturday, we took Alice up to Jean’s after lunch. Steve drove us to a Welcome Break restaurant on the outskirts of Peterborough. Brenda looked like she’d lost weight and Malcolm’s face was a slab of chiselled granite. We didn’t do our usual hugs and kisses and shaking hands but sat on opposite sides of a table scattered with crumbs and ordered our own hot drinks.