Breaking Boundaries

by M. A. Lee

  18

  “So, are you going to fall back into some weird depression again?” Lauren asked in an angry tone, as she tried to fight the covers away from my once sleeping body. I held the sheets clenched in my fists as I attempted to push her away and off my bed.

  It had been two days since the epic New Year’s Eve battle between Cole and myself. From what I had overheard as I had eavesdropped on Lauren’s phone conversations with Isaac, everyone at the party had front row seats to our showdown from the moment we kissed to the moment I left Cole standing alone in the middle of the street, crying my name. Ever since that night I had barricaded myself in my apartment and had refused to talk to anyone, even Lauren. Apparently sick of my personal pity party, she was now in my room trying to literally pull me out of my bed and my funk.

  “Leave me alone Lauren,” I hissed as I pulled my comforter back over my head. I knew I looked and smelled disgusting and I just didn’t want to see anyone, and that even included my best friend.

  “Sorry Mel. I am not going to let you fall back into that black hole you finally crawled out of after two long and miserable years. You are going to get up and take a shower. You reek, I mean you smell and look awful. I love you, but I am sick of watching you be miserable.” This time, she succeeded in pulling the comforter away from my face, forcing me to look at her in her beautiful sparkling eyes. Good thing she was my best friend, because right now I wanted to kill her. Sighing, she continued once she was good and sure she had my full attention. “Come on. You are the one who decided to give up on you and Cole. You kissed him. You left him embarrassed and broken hearted in front of everyone. You need to put on your big girl pants and deal with what you have done.”

  I couldn’t believe how brutally honest she was being with me right now. Over the years I had known and been friends with Lauren, she had always been able to be honest with me and tell me the truth, even when it hurt. But today, she was almost being cold toward me. Not to say I didn’t deserve to hear her harsh words. It was just really hard to accept that everything she was saying was right. And, in her true fashion, she read my mind.

  “I know you think I am being mean, Mel. But I am only telling you the truth. And right now, you need to hear the truth. You need to move on and live your life before you wake up one day and realize you have nothing to live for.” She patted my shoulder and offered a smile before she pushed herself off my bed and walked out of my room. Her absence from the bed made it bounce back, causing me to rock sideways. I now faced my nightstand, which contained a picture of Lauren, Isaac, Cole and me. We were sitting in Isaac’s living room making silly faces when Cole snapped the picture. I loved it so much that I made him send me the picture so I could print it out and placed it in a shiny silver picture frame. Now looking at it, the picture brought back memories I didn’t want to remember or think about just yet. Reaching out, I carefully turned the frame over so that the people in the image were gone. Kicking the remaining covers away, I sat up in my bed and checked the time on my clock. It was after two in the afternoon. Lauren was right, I needed to get up and deal with life. I had to be back at work tomorrow, so I needed to prepare today by getting all of my work clothes ironed.

  I took a long, overdue shower and dressed in a pair of comfortable black yoga pants and over-sized soft pink sweatshirt. I cleaned my room and washed two loads of laundry and ironed my dress pants and suit jackets and selected my outfits for the next few days of work. As I rushed around the apartment, cleaning my dirty dishes and making lists for grocery shopping, Lauren sat on the couch watching an old Lifetime television movie. She didn’t say anything to me, but she watched my every move with a sly smile spread across her face.

  “You don’t need to say anything,” I warned, as I ran the vacuum cleaner across the carpet. “You were right. I am going to get back to work tomorrow and then finish my last semester of college. I can’t stay miserable forever.” I smiled and then turned and continued running the vacuum down the hall. I didn’t wait for Lauren to respond. She didn’t need to.

  Once I finished cleaning, I decided to make a quick run for coffee before heading to the grocery store for our weekly supplies. I hadn’t seen the sun in two days and when I stepped out of my apartment I felt like a vampire. The sun stung my eyes, and I threw my hands up blocking my face as I yelled out in shock. I almost turned and ran back inside to the safety of my dark apartment, but thought otherwise as I realized the wrath of Lauren inside was more dangerous than a little blinding sunlight. Plus, Lauren had already threatened to hurt me if I didn’t get out of the apartment and get some fresh air. Truthfully, I think she was sick of me and wanted an excuse to have Isaac over for a little while. Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t seen Isaac since New Year’s Eve. And, Lauren hadn’t left the apartment since I rushed home that terrible night. She had stayed inside the apartment, no doubt to make sure I was safe and ok. Man, she really was a good best friend. I didn’t deserve the kind of friendship she offered, but I would cherish it forever.

  Driving through downtown Lexington, I was reminded why I loved living in the city. The tall buildings glistened in the sunlight, and people bustled around on the cold Sunday afternoon shopping and greeting friends. I found a parking spot behind my favorite coffee shop and rushed inside before the frigid January air could attack me.

  As the chimes above the door rang, greeting me for the barista to hear, I inhaled the intoxicating aroma of coffee grounds and sugary pastries. Finally feeling a smile appear on my face, a real smile, I felt happy to be out today. I made my way to the counter and ordered myself a French vanilla latté. I watched the barista whip up my warm treat as I paid the cashier. Now, with my toasty drink in hand, I made my way over to a small table by a brick fireplace. I sat in an over-sized navy blue chair and took off the jacket and scarf I had thrown on over my yoga pants and sweatshirt. I was comfortable and relaxed and allowed myself to feel every moment of the experience. I glanced around the shop and noticed a few other patrons enjoying coffees and eating scones as they too enjoyed the enchanting atmosphere. The walls were a gold color and covered with various pictures of people, horses, and colorful objects. This place really reminded me of Central Perk, the infamous coffee shop on my favorite retired television show, FRIENDS. Every time I walked through the doorway, I expected to see Monica and Chandler sitting on the large sofa and drinking coffees while Phoebe sang some random and weird song on the stage by the window overlooking the street.

  As I sipped my drink, I heard the chimes ring once more, inviting another guest into this perfect oasis of warmth and caffeine. I heard a set of footsteps stop near me as a familiar smell invaded my senses. My heart began to jump around in my chest, and I could feel my body grow tense. I refused to turn around and look at him. In an attempt to become invisible, I slowly slid down into the chair, hoping he wouldn’t see me. Too bad I didn’t have super powers, because right then I could totally have benefited from becoming invisible.

  “You know I can see you, right?” His voice was like nails on a chalkboard to me. Funny, how only a few short years ago that same voice made my heart flutter with love and admiration. “Trying to slide down in that chair will not make me go away.”

  Ugh. What I wouldn’t give for superpowers right now. “Hi Brody,” I growled.

  “Don’t sound too happy to see me,” he joked as he sat down in the chair next to mine.

  “Oh sorry, I thought you could hear the hatred through my voice. Maybe next time I will be more clear,” I spat out.

  Shaking his head, Brody leaned in close to me. “I guess I deserve that,” he said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

  “How did you find me?” I asked.

  “I called Lauren, but she refused to tell me where you were. But, I remembered how much you loved this place and when I drove by your apartment and saw your car was gone, I came straight here.” He said as he remembered how well he really did know my habits and me.

  Refusing to get caught up in his games a
gain, I quickly jumped into action. “What do you want Brody?” I asked.

  Running a hand over his pants leg, I noticed his legs were shaking and his hands were clenched tight. He looked nervous, almost awkward. I had never seen Brody look this way before and for some strange reason, it scared me.

  Taking a big, deep breath, Brody slowly exhaled before speaking again. “Mel, I called Lauren and she told me where I could find you. I think your phone is turned off because when I tried calling, it went straight to your voice mail,” he began.

  Nodding my head, I spoke. “Yes, I don’t really want to talk to a lot of people right now.”

  “I know. I heard about your break up with that Cole guy,” he said, his voice quiet and steady. This was definitely not the Brody I knew.

  “Well, I don’t know what you heard, but you have it all wrong. Cole and I were never together.” I angrily stated.

  I took another sip of my latté and tried to pretend like I was not nervous even though this was turning out to be one of the most uncomfortable and awkward conversations of my life.

  Brody offered a slight huff as he turned his head in my direction. I noticed his eyes looked tired and his hair, which was typically styled and gelled perfectly, looked dirty and unruly. Everything about him seemed off, so I decided to give him my undivided attention.

  “Melanie, I know we are not friends anymore and I am probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but you don’t have to lie to me. It is okay.”

  I jerked my head and almost spilled the rest of my latté with my sudden movement. Who did he think he was? Here he sat pretending like he still knew me. He had no right to question anything about my life. I could feel the anger crawling through my body. Opening my mouth and acknowledging him was proving to be one of the worst decisions I had ever made. “Brody, you do not know what you are talking about. I am not lying to you.” I spoke, fighting back the urge to scream.

  “I am here to help, not to upset you. I don’t understand why you are getting so angry,” he continued. “Maybe it is not any of my business, but I feel like I need to make things up to you. I know why you can’t allow yourself to be with Cole.”

  Laughing, I expelled some of the fire I had been holding deep inside. “Shut up Brody.”

  Not listening to me, Brody ignored my rage. “I understand that what I did was wrong. I never should have cheated on you, especially with your friend. I want you to know that I take full responsibility for everything that happened that night. Two years ago I made a huge mistake and now I see that you were the one who is hurting the most.”

  I sat speechless, my body paralyzed by what I was hearing. “Brody...” I tried to speak, but again, nothing would come out but stuttering. As I stared at Brody and really looked at him, I realized he was a broken man. He was merely a shell of who he once was. The cocky and self-confidence that had once laced his personality had disappeared.

  “Just let me finish please,” he pleaded, placing his hand on mine. “I am not asking you to forgive me. I just want you to believe that I am very sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. If I could take everything back, I would. It kills me to see you with another guy, but I have no right to speak on that. I pushed you away. I betrayed your trust. And for all of those things, I am very sorry.” A single tear ran down his cheek and he quickly brushed it away.

  Acting like I hadn’t witnessed his personal breakdown, I focused on the cup still in my hand. I realized being mean and cold to him wouldn’t solve anything. He had sought me out to make amends. The least I could do would be to listen and attempt to be nice to him. “Brody, I have hated you for a very long time. But, I appreciate you apologizing. I have waited a very long time to hear those words from you.”

  And it was true. I had played and replayed a moment like this over and over again in my mind over the last few years. Subconsciously, I needed to see Brody break down so that I could push away the hate and sadness that still clouded over my body.

  “I mean everything,” Brody said as his voice quivered. “Melanie, you need to forget about what I did. Not all guys are assholes like I was.” He laughed, trying to break some of the tension and sadness that lingered between us. “You have to stop looking at him and seeing me. You have to stop comparing him to me,” Brody said, his voice stern.

  “I don’t compare him to you,” I argued back.

  Sighing, Brody just kept his face focused on me. “Yes you do. I can see that you care about him; possibly love him. But you refuse to allow yourself to care for him, because you are afraid that you are repeating the past. Let it all go Mel,” he said.

  Smiling, I offered a slight chuckle. While I wasn’t in the mood to laugh, I appreciated his effort. “Brody, I want to forget it all. I want to forget the pain. I want to forget the heartbreak. I want to forget what happened to her. But, it is difficult to do that. How can I just live my life when the thought of someone else hurting me like you did still lingers? Everywhere I look I see broken promises and lies.”

  Brody’s face fell and he looked as if I had just slapped him across his face. “I guess I deserve to hear that. Look, I am tired of acting like I don’t care about you. I deserved to get my ass kicked that night I saw you and Cole out. I know that now. More than anything, I need to see you move on. I need to see you let someone else into your heart. If you can do that, then maybe one day there might be hope for me to be a decent person again.”

  I couldn’t fight the tears anymore. I could feel the rain slowly expelling from my eyes as my vision became cloudy. In a short five-minute conversation, Brody had managed to break through the tough exterior I had built to prevent someone else from hurting me. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders, and the pain that was constantly stabbing at my heart seemed to slowly subside.

  “Thank you, Brody.”

  “You are welcome.” He smiled again and brushed a tear away from my cheek. The movement was personal, but felt like an old friend offering his help. The touch of his fingers against my skin had no effect on me. Brody’s effect on me was nothing like when Cole had touched me. His touch alone would cause sparks to fly and my body would almost quiver beneath his touch. “So, where does that leave you and Cole now?”

  Sighing, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I screwed up,” I admitted out loud. “I kissed Cole and then left him on New Year’s Eve. After everything I put him through, I don’t think he would ever want to see me again.”

  “Wow, that is rough.” Brody sighed as he thought about my dilemma. “And I thought I was the cold one here,” he joked, trying to ease the seriousness. I appreciated the playful jab, even if it was from Brody. He continued after a moment, “If he is in love with you, and I think he is, then he will forgive you too. Trust me, I have never seen a guy fight for a girl the way he did for you. You all weren’t even a couple, yet he felt compelled to protect and defend you. Maybe you should just try and talk to him,” he suggested. I could tell it was strange for him to be talking me into the arms of another man.

  Placing my now cold latté on the table by my chair, I stood. Brody followed my lead and stood with me, towering over my frame. I smiled a true, genuine smile letting him know his words had impacted me the way he had planned. Taking the first step to true forgiveness, I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged Brody. Taken aback at first, Brody just stood with his eyes large with shock. After a moment, he tucked his arms around my back and hugged me back. We both sighed as we held onto each other, knowing this would be the last time we could ever do this again. It felt good to hold Brody and to not feel hatred when I was near him.

  Ending our hug, I took a small step back and grabbed Brody’s hands. I squeezed them, giving him a sign that we were ok now. Suddenly, Brody’s face fell as he looked out the large glass window behind me. Curious, I turned my head to catch Cole’s stunned and once again hurt face glaring at Brody and me through the window. His hands were tucked inside his front jean pockets and his breaths came out in fast white puffs
. His eyes glistened with sadness as they stared at me, holding onto Brody. Cole pinned me with his intimidating gaze. I couldn’t move away from where I stood. I knew I needed to shout out to him, to run to him and explain that this was not at all how it appeared.

  Dropping his hands quickly, I turned away from Brody. “Oh no, this looks really bad.” Brody said as he, too, took a step away from me.

  I reached down to the chair where I had been sitting and grabbed my purse. I wanted to run to Cole and tell him that what he had just witnessed wasn’t at all as bad as it had looked. Before I could even take another step, Cole was gone. He took off running toward his car, which was parked along the busy city street. He jumped into the driver’s side and roared the engine to life. He sped into traffic without even looking, causing cars to honk and angry drivers to curse out their windows.

  Bending over, I fought to regain my breath as I felt a panic attack approaching. Tears stung my eyes, and each breath I attempted only caused excruciating shots throughout my body. I was shaking uncontrollably as I fought the urge to chase after his car, just like he had done for me.

  Rubbing my back, Brody stood behind me. “Melanie, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any more trouble.” His voice was pained with guilt and remorse and as much as I wanted to unleash my fury on Brody, I just couldn’t do it.

  “I need to get out of here. I have to go home and call him.” I cried out through gasps as I still struggled to breathe.

  “Do you want me to take you home?” Brody asked, his voice sincere.

  “No!” I shouted back. “I need to go home alone. I will be fine.” Even I didn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. And from Brody’s skeptical expression, he didn’t either.

  How was it possible that I had just single-handedly ruined Cole’s life twice? I had to find a way to make this right again. The pain that had disappeared with Brody’s apology, was now returning. But this was a different pain. This pain wasn’t because of someone causing me pain. No, this pain was caused because my heart longed for someone who I continued to hurt.