by M. A. Lee
19
“It was the worst possible thing that could have happened?” I yelled as I stormed through my apartment door. I had run out of the coffee shop as soon as Cole drove off and had immediately called Lauren. I replayed every moment that had just transpired between Brody, Cole, and myself.
I was still on the phone with her when I came crashing through our apartment door. I threw my phone down on the couch as she walked out of her bedroom and ended our call.
“I have tried texting and calling Cole a million times, but he won’t answer or respond to me!” I shouted again.
Lauren raised her eyes at me as she watched me frantically pace the living room. “I am so confused,” Lauren screamed out throwing her hands in the air. She was furious with me, and I felt suddenly overwhelmed with strange emotions.
“I told you, Brody came to the coffee shop. He said he had tried to ask you where I was, but you wouldn’t tell him. He knew where to find me though. He apologized Lauren. He took full responsibility for all of the pain he had caused and, somehow, he fixed me,” I cried out.
“I don’t believe this!” Lauren wailed, anger and bile rising in her throat. “None of this makes any sense. I don’t understand what is going on.” She began to stride in my direction, looking more like an angry lion about to pounce on its prey than a friend trying to comfort me.
Turning to her, I raised my eyebrows and gave her a strange glance. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I just told you what happened.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head and rubbing her temples. “I am confused because when you left this apartment, not even an hour ago, you were done with Cole. You understood that you had to let him go and you were prepared to move on with your life. Now, you see Brody, he spits some shameless apology at you, and now all of a sudden you care about Cole again?” Her voice rose to a new high as she spoke. I could tell she was more than frustrated with me and my bipolar behavior.
“Lauren, just let me explain it again.” I began, my voice shaking before she cut me off.
“I don’t want to hear it again, Mel. This is exhausting. One minute you are kissing Cole and spending every moment with him. The next, you are running away from him and falling back into the black hole of death,” her eyes were now filling with tears as she sat down on the living room couch. She placed her head in her hands and sighed loudly. “Mel, I love you. But I am telling you right now. This is enough. Your little mind games with Cole are starting to affect my relationship with Isaac. Cole and Isaac are best friends, and Isaac and I are both fed up with the games. I am telling you right now, as your best friend, you cannot contact Cole. Leave him alone.”
“But...” I tried again.
“If you ruin my relationship with Isaac because you are worried about being rejected by someone again, I swear Melanie. I will never forgive you.” She sneered, as her voice was full of revulsion. “Isaac has been distant the last few days and I know it is because of what happened between you and Cole. I can’t lose him Mel. I love Isaac so much.” She wiped away a tear that had escaped during her powerful monologue. “I get that Brody hurt you. He abandoned you and in return you abandoned yourself. You gave up on you and I have tried to pull you back to life. Cole amazed all of us when he brought you through the storm and made you feel alive again. I was astonished at how one person could provide you with enough love and support that you were able to drive again. To laugh again. To get out and feel again. Your insecurity was washed away the moment Cole came into your life. Everyone around you sees that. But you allowed fear that he could be like Brody to overpower you. I am sorry to say this Melanie, but you are not a victim anymore.”
Her words roared through me and struck me like a lightning bolt. I couldn’t argue with her anymore. “Lauren, I understand what you are saying. I just need to explain myself to Cole, one last time.”
“No!” Lauren screamed, now jumping up and lunging at me. She placed her hands on my shoulders and shook me. The sudden and violent movement shocked me to my core.
“Lauren, what is your problem? If you would just let me explain.” I sputtered, trying to get away from her harsh grasp. If she would only give me a moment, I could tell her that everything she had accused me of was correct. I was tired of feeling empty and being vulnerable to pain. I wanted to open myself up to the possibility of being loved again. This revelation surprised me, but I had to tell her.
“Let you explain! What? Are you going to tell me you were wrong for how you acted these last few years and you are madly in love with Cole and you want to apologize to him and tell him you love him and want to be with him forever?” She cried out her face now only inches from mine. Her deep breaths burned my cheeks as she glared into my eyes. As much as I wanted to slap her and push her away from my body, I knew that what Lauren was doing was right. She had endured my pain for years. She had been as much a part of my volatile relationship with both Brody and Cole as I had been. And now, she was done.
Making sure I had her full attention, I stopped squirming under Lauren’s grasp and stood perfectly still like a statue. I focused all of my energy on looking into her eyes as I began to speak. “Yes, Lauren. That is exactly what I want to do.” I declared.
Letting go of me, Lauren took a step back and smiled. “Oh, okay. Just don’t screw this up again,” she said as she walked away from me. I could tell by her smug smile that she was proud of her little tirade. Of course Lauren had played a huge role in my breakthrough. I knew she was right and I had to make a final decision once and for all. Honestly, it was Brody who really woke me up and made me realize what I needed to do. While I would never admit this to Lauren, or anyone else, ever. It was Brody’s honesty and my hearts ability to forgive and let go of the pain he had caused that finally allowed me to see that I was capable of loving someone else. Brody’s words had also impacted me in a way that I never thought imaginable. He had simply shown me that not everyone would hurt me. Not everyone would break my heart again. And, I could love, too, without hurting someone.
***
Two hours later, I found myself dressed in a pair of tight skinny jeans, black flats, and Cole’s favorite red sweater that I wore. I pulled my hair back just the way Cole liked it and sprayed myself with my favorite Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue perfume. Glancing in the mirror one last time, I reached for my car keys and headed toward our front door.
Lauren stopped me before I was able to leave. “Mel, I am sorry for upsetting you earlier,” she said, even though I knew she really wasn’t sorry. Sometimes I needed a little tough love and both Lauren and I knew that to be true.
“It is ok. I guess I needed to be pushed back to reality.” I said.
Laughing, Lauren nodded. “When you see Cole, just be honest. Tell him everything you are feeling in your heart. Don’t hold back Mel. He deserves to hear the whole truth.”
I kissed her on her forehead and hugged her tightly before leaving. I planned to make everything right, once and for all.
When I finally reached Cole’s apartment, I couldn’t find his car anywhere in the parking lot. Deciding I couldn’t just leave, I parked my car in front of the building and decided to wait until he returned. The air outside was too cold to turn off my car and the heater, so I left it running, knowing I would probably run through my gas tank in no time. The radio quietly played an old No Doubt song as I had the station tuned in to oldies. It was sad to think nineties music now made the oldies list. After an hour, I started to feel like an idiot as people came to and from the apartment, glancing in my car at me like I was some deranged stalker. Which, I guess I kind of was.
Deciding I would just try and come back again later, I looked in my rear view mirror to back up when I saw Isaac standing behind my car. Startled, I turned the ignition off and jumped out of my warm car and into the cold, icy air.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as my teeth chattered from the cold air. I examined his stiff stance and realized without Lauren and Cole around, Isaac and I were nothing
more than acquaintances. That thought alone made me feel nauseous. This man standing before me was in love with my best friend. I was causing both of them pain and that killed me.
“I guess I could ask you the same question.” Isaac stated as he hugged his arms to his chest. His face was stern and I could tell by his lack of expression that he was not happy to see me.
“I came here to find Cole. I need to explain some things to him.” I began, not knowing how much I should say to Isaac.
“Look Mel, I like you. Lauren loves you. But, I think it’s best for you to just leave and forget you ever knew Cole. I don’t think he can take any more of this game you are playing with him.” Isaac said, his words ripping through me like a knife. I could feel tears begin to fill my eyes and I quickly brushed them aside. I wouldn’t let myself cry again, not in front of Isaac.
“I know you are mad at me. You have every right to be mad. What I have done to Cole is wrong, and I know that now. I came here to tell Cole that I am sorry and that I do love him. Because Isaac, I really do love him. I have just had a really hard time accepting that emotion since...” and before I could finish my sentence, the tears escaped and a storm erupted inside. Isaac only stood and watched me cry as I felt the wrath of all of my emotions explode.
“Melanie, I hope that you mean what you are saying.”
“I do. I am sorry for any pain I caused him. I just didn’t want to feel love again. I didn’t think my heart could take any more breaking if Cole couldn’t love me back. But, after talking to my ex fiancé, Brody, he finally apologized for everything he had done to hurt me and somehow my heart began to piece itself back together. I had an epiphany, I discovered that I allowed hate and resentment to shadow all of the good in my heart. Now, that shadow is gone and I know I can allow Cole in and love me, just like I love him.”
Realization glowed on Isaac’s face. He understood what I was saying. “So, I am guessing when I got a call earlier today from a very pissed off Cole, it was because he saw you and Brody together,” Isaac let out a loud laugh as he shook his head. “Man, he thought you and Brody were getting back together. He thought that was why you left him on New Year’s Eve. He called me screaming about how he couldn’t believe you could go back to Brody after everything he had done to you. Now, I get it. He got it all wrong.”
“Yes, he saw us today and I tried to chase after him to explain what I was doing there with Brody, but he left so fast I couldn’t catch him.”
“You need to fix this. I have never seen him so upset before,” Isaac said.
“That is why I am here. I want to see him.”
“Well, you may be waiting for a while. After he called me, Cole took off. He said he needed to get away for a while and clear his head.”
Oh no! What had I done? “I need to talk to him,” I demanded.
“As soon as I hear from him. I will let you know. Do you want me to tell him what really happened between you and Brody?” Isaac asked.
“No. I need to tell him face to face. Just let me know as soon as you hear from him.”
I reached out and hugged Isaac, my movement shocking him at first. He gently patted my back as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He was awkward and confused, but I didn’t care. Isaac was a great guy and I was so proud that he and Lauren were together.
“You are a great guy Isaac,” I said as I unlatched my arms from his neck and smiled.
“Thanks,” he muttered, clearly embarrassed.
“Anytime.” I said.
“Hey, can you keep a secret?” he asked, a smile appearing on his face.
“Sure, if you can too,” I said, laughing.
Pulling a small mahogany box from his front jacket pocket, I gasped as I realized what Isaac was holding. He opened the small box and displayed a beautiful princess cut diamond engagement ring.
Stealing the box from him, I began admiring the beautiful ring. “Oh my! Isaac, this is beautiful.”
“I am glad you think so. You know Lauren better than anyone else. I am going to ask her to marry me on Valentine’s Day. I know it seems a little soon, but I love her so much and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.”
Still holding the ring and box, I jumped and hugged Isaac for a second time. This time, he embraced the moment. “I think the ring is perfect. And, I think you are perfect for Lauren. I swear, I won’t say a word to her. This will be our secret.” I mused, excited for Lauren.
“Awesome,” Isaac exclaimed. He stole the ring away from me and safely put it back inside his jacket pocket. “I have been acting really strange the last few days,” he began. “I bought this ring on New Year’s Day and had planned to propose that night, but things went in a different direction than I had planned,” he said, his voice tinged with frustration.
I hung my head low. My meltdown with Cole had stopped Isaac from proposing to Lauren. I had so much destruction to rebuild. “I am so sorry Isaac. Please, let me help fix all of this.”
“Please, just don’t tell Lauren yet.”
“I promise. I will not say anything to her.” This all made sense now. Lauren thought Isaac had been acting distant because he was upset with her over something I had done. Which, he was really just upset with me. And he had every right to be. “I think you need to go see Lauren. She thinks you are upset with her.” I announced.
“What?” Isaac asked, clearly confused.
“She thinks you are upset with her because of how awful things are between me and Cole. You need to talk to her. Comfort her and let her know you still love her.”
“Man, I didn’t think she would ever feel that way. I will call her and go see her right away,” Isaac fumbled in his jeans pockets for his car keys before waving goodbye to me.
“I guess I will go back home now. I just hope I hear from Cole soon,” I said, as I waved goodbye back to Isaac before returning to my car.
I silently prayed that Cole would hear my wishes and hopes and call me soon. I wasn’t sure if I could handle losing him, again.
20
Two Years Earlier
It had been three weeks since I had been released from the hospital. My parents had insisted, no demanded that I stay with them while I continued to heal from the physical and internal injuries I had sustained the night I lost everything in my life.
Lauren had gone to Alice’s funeral. I had wanted to attend as well, but my parents strongly encouraged me not to go. Deciding I wasn’t strong enough to handle burying a friend, who I now hated and felt guilty for hating, I stayed home instead. The few friends I had left sent me text messages praying for my recovery and telling me how sad the funeral had been.
“Are you sure you are ready to leave?” my mom asked as she watched me pack my suitcase. Her eyes still reflected a mom who wanted to protect her child. To her, I was still a little girl who needed her mother.
“It has been three weeks’ mom,” I said as I tried to fake a smile. “I appreciate you and dad helping me, but it is time that I face my life again.” I heard my voice shake as I spoke and I hated myself for how weak I had become.
Lauren had spent every night with me since the accident and I knew she was ready to also get back to our apartment. As much as I wished I could go back in time and be a teenager again who lived at home with her parents and wasn’t faced with the reality of a broken engagement and a dead friend that was not possible. I knew I wasn’t the same anymore, but somewhere, someday, I would find a way to push aside the storm that destroyed my life and find the sunlight again.
Pulling me in for a hug, my mom silently cried as she held me close. “Melanie, I know you are hurting right now,” she said as she whispered in my ear. “Please, listen to me. One day, when the time is right, you will be happy again. Someone will come into your life and they will teach you how to trust and love again. The world did not end the night Alice died. The world just shifted and threw you a hell of a punch. Now, it is your turn to get up and decide what is your next move.”
As she continue
d to console me, I soaked in her words and prayed that more than anything that what she had said was true. Would I find someone to love me again? Would I find someone worth fighting for? Would I be able to find the inner strength to stand up again and beat the hell out of life? More importantly, I wanted to be able to decide, once and for all, what was going to happen with my life. I wanted to be in charge again and not let the pain and destruction control me.
21
Karma hit me much harder than I had expected. It had been three weeks since I had spoken with Isaac. Thankfully, Lauren and Isaac were perfect once again. I was back to work and attending my last classes as a college student. With everything seeming right in the world, I was still feeling lost.
Cole was still not returning my calls, and when I went out with Lauren and Isaac as the third wheel, Cole was never around. I knew I deserved every ounce of misery I was experiencing, but I promised myself and Lauren I wouldn’t allow myself to fall back into a world of hatred and self-pity again.
After spending a week checking my phone more than I was the manuscripts I was supposed to be editing or my college texts books, which I should have been reading, I had come to the conclusion that Cole was not going to call me back. Only a few short weeks ago I may have submitted to this idea and crawled back into the shell I had made my home. But now, I felt empowered and refused to accept the fact that Cole wouldn’t hear me out. If anything, I had to apologize to him. I had to explain the fears I had that had paralyzed me and forced me to play a victim. Even if he didn’t accept my apology or even want to be with me, I had to tell him he was perfect and I was the one who had been damaged and scarred.
I still found it odd that the person who had brought the raging storm into my life was also the person who had brought light back into it too. Brody had transformed the way I viewed the world and myself. I had spoken to him only once since our encounter at the coffee shop, but our conversation had been cordial and nice. He simply wanted to check up on me and make sure I was ok. I was honest and told him the healing process was going to be a long road, but I intended to get there with or without Cole. Only, I hoped and prayed more than anything else in the world that my journey to happiness would somehow include Cole.