by Ashley Love
"Yeah, you said that already."
"I'm heading back tomorrow."
"I know."
He was silent for a long time before he finally spoke, his voice so quiet I almost couldn't hear him. "I guess that's it, then."
I flinched at how flat and emotionless he sounded and wished he would look up and meet my eyes, but they remained fixed on the floor, his hair hanging against his scruffy chin. The left side of his jaw was obviously swelling and he had to hold his mouth slightly open to compensate.
A pang of guilt hit me as I realized that I'd been keeping him there when he needed to go deal with his injury. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to put ice on his face and hold him and try to make him feel better, but since that wasn't really an option at the moment I had to just let him go so he could take care of himself.
A second later I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around his waist. When he finally returned my hug, squeezing me tight against his chest, I tucked my face into his neck and kissed the soft warm spot between his collarbones.
"Thank you," I said, stepping out of his embrace and swallowing back my tears. "I won't ever forget this."
"Me either." His fingertips brushed my cheek and his eyes flicked up to mine for a split second before dropping away again. "Bye Cassie."
I listened at my bedroom door to make sure Aaron didn't accost him on his way out, breathing a sigh of relief when I heard the front door open and close. Then I gave into the tears and curled up on the bed to cry myself back to sleep.
As it turned out, I didn't get the chance. My door opened and Blaire and Kayla poked their heads in. When they saw that I was crying they rushed in and climbed onto the bed next to me, Blaire rubbing my back while I sobbed.
"Are you alright, sweetie?"
"No," I said into my pillow. "What the hell was Aaron doing up so early?"
"I don't think he ever went to bed. I'm pretty sure he was still drunk from last night. We were sleeping in your parents' room when he came storming in looking for you. He was already pissed because he tried to call Jax and heard his phone ringing in your room, but the door was locked. When he didn't find you downstairs with us he flipped out," Blaire said.
Blaire sounded worried so I sat up and wiped my eyes. "I'm alright, really. I'm not the one that got sucker punched. Oh God, poor Jax, this is all my fault—"
"Bullshit," Kayla snapped angrily. "Poor Jax was getting his dick wet and Aaron was being an asshole. Don't even try to take this all on yourself. You're the only person in this scenario that didn't do anything wrong."
"Jax didn't—"
"He fucked his best friend's little sister. I'm not saying Aaron didn't totally overreact, but Jax's not an innocent bystander."
"She's right," Blaire said. "I'm pretty sure there's some kind of guy code he violated."
"I don't give a shit about guy codes, Aaron was totally out of control. I had the most amazing night of my entire life; the most amazing week really, and now it's over. Just like that. I mean, I wasn't expecting...well, I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't think it would end with my brother thinking I'm some kind of slut and Jax wishing none of it had never happened."
"He didn't say that, did he?" Blaire looked shocked.
"He made it clear he felt like the whole thing was a mistake." I dropped my head in my hands so I missed the disbelieving look my two friends exchanged.
"I seriously doubt Jax feels that way," Blaire said. "But I was talking about Aaron. He didn't really call you a slut, did he?"
I broke into fresh tears as I remembered what my brother had said to me. "He called me a trashy fuck buddy."
"Ugh, guys are such assholes," Kayla fumed. "What a fucking hypocrite to say something like that after he hooked up with that skank from the bar last night."
"Look, you get some more rest," Blaire said, pulling me into a tight hug. "We're gonna go get started cleaning this place up. You have five hours before your parents get home."
"I'll be down in just a minute."
My friends closed the door quietly behind them and I lay down and covered my head with a pillow. I planned to just lay there long enough to stop crying and then get up and take a shower, but exhaustion overtook me and the next thing I knew I woke up with sunlight streaming brightly through my window.
A quick glance at my phone told me I'd slept another two hours and I quickly jumped out of bed, anxious to make sure the house was ready for my parents' return and worried about what I was going to say to Aaron when I saw him.
After a quick shower I felt more awake, but no more ready to renew the fight I knew was coming. The house was silent as I descended the stairs. I padded through the empty rooms to find that the majority of the mess had been cleaned up already and that I appeared to be alone.
Making a mental note that I owed Blaire and Kayla my eternal gratitude, I stuck my head in the living room. Aaron was slumped on the couch with a glass in his hand and a bottle of whiskey on the table beside him. He'd pulled the curtains and was sitting in the darkened room staring at the Christmas tree, its lights throwing mottled colors and pine needle silhouettes against the walls.
"Are you drunk?"
He looked up at me in mild surprise, so absorbed in his thoughts he hadn't heard me approach. "No. Not anymore." He set the glass on the table. "Pouring a drink seemed like the thing to do, but I haven't been able to choke much down. Straight whiskey kind of tastes like shit."
He didn't appear to be in a violent rage so I entered the room and tentatively sat down on the opposite end of the couch.
"I'm so sorry, Cass. I was out of line. I said things I shouldn't have."
"You sure as hell did. I don't know what gave you the idea you could say and do whatever the hell you want just because you're pissed off, but let me tell you right now that it is not okay."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's not even you I'm angry with."
"I don't know why not. If you're going to be angry at all it might as well be at both of us equally. What happened between Jax and me was my decision as much as it was his." I noticed his flinch when I said Jax's name, but ignored it. "Not that I think you have any right to be mad at either of us."
"Oh you don't? How long has he been sneaking around behind my back and lying to my face?"
The heat had returned to his voice and I had to suppress a surge of irritation. If I could talk to him rationally he'd be more likely to actually listen to what I was saying without this devolving into another yelling match.
"No one lied to you about anything. And we only snuck around because we knew it would upset you and we didn't see the point," I said, maintaining a level tone.
"How long?" he demanded, his voice as hard as his stare.
"Just the last week."
His shoulders relaxed visibly and I could tell he was relieved to hear that it hadn't been going on for very long. But he was chewing on his lip in that way he always did when he felt uncomfortable so I knew there was more. I started to really get curious when he reached for his glass and took a sip of whiskey.
"Was he...were you..." With a shaky sigh he rubbed a weary hand over his face and turned away, staring intently at the Christmas tree across the room. "Were you a virgin?"
"Jesus Christ, Aaron." I jumped up and walked a few steps away, irritation, amusement, and embarrassment warring for my attention.
"Come on Cass, believe me, I don't want to ask that question any more than you want to answer it. I just... I need to know."
I waited a minute for the burning in my face to die down. The amusement was winning out and I was half-tempted to lie just to mess with him. Then I thought of Jax and how much Aaron's words had hurt him. Maybe the truth would soften him a bit and he'd be more likely to apologize to his friend.
"No, I wasn't a virgin. But don't ask me the other guys' names, I'd fear for their safety. Neither of them are as experienced as Jax at fighting."
Aaron rolled his eyes and shook his head, but I saw a little more of
the tension drain from his body and moved back to the couch to sit next to him. My face burned again as I tried to figure out what words I could possibly use to explain the situation so my brother would understand. I couldn't come up with them, so I said the closest thing I could think of.
"He didn't do anything I didn't want him to do."
"It doesn't matter. I know how he is with girls."
"I don't think you do. I don't think you've ever tried to understand how he is with girls and you should. You could learn a thing or two from him." Aaron sneered and was about to speak but I cut him off, determined to make him hear what I had to say. "What do you think I learned growing up watching you with your girlfriends?"
"Apparently not enough if you didn't know better than to get charmed into bed by someone who has no intention of getting involved in a relationship with you."
"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like the ones you have. Do you think I never noticed the way you treat your girlfriends one way to their face, but talk about them completely different when they aren't around? Or the way you're always complaining about them, downplaying your feelings, acting like you have to stay a step ahead of them like it's all a big game and you're determined to come out the winner. Think about it, Aaron. Would you want a guy treating me the way you treated Stephanie?"
Aaron looked absolutely dumbfounded. His mouth opened and closed like he couldn't decide what to say. Finally he got a determined look on his face and spoke. "And how did I treat Stephanie?"
"Like shit until she decided to leave on her own. And all because you didn't want to come off looking like the bad guy for breaking up with her. If you really cared about her feelings you'd have had the balls to tell her you didn't want her around anymore instead of running her off just so you could look back and say she was the one that left you."
"Fine," he said through clenched teeth. "I'm not the perfect boyfriend. But at least I don't go around sniffing out girls who just want to fuck so I don't have to commit to anyone."
"At least Jax has enough respect for women to be honest about his intentions."
"Respect? Honesty?" He snorted and rolled his eyes. "Are you sure you're still talking about Jax?"
"Jax treated me with more respect than any other guy I've ever known. Including you." He looked truly surprised at that and I thought maybe I was actually getting through to him. "I'm not a little girl anymore, Aaron. I don't need you to protect me from the big bad world."
He looked away, staring into the Christmas tree again for a long moment. "You're my little sister. It's my job to protect you."
"I know, but at some point you have to respect me enough to let me make my own decisions even if you think I'm making a mistake." I could see he was struggling with what I was telling him and almost felt bad, but I knew he needed to hear it. "I needed someone this week and Jax was there for me. He made me feel better about myself without patronizing me or telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He showed me that I deserve way more than what I've been settling for."
Aaron shook his head and looked up at me, doubt and hesitation etched on his face as he stared into my eyes. "He's gonna break your heart, Cass."
"Maybe." My heart thumped painfully in my chest and I looked down at my hands clasped in my lap to hide the pain in my eyes from my brother. "Probably," I whispered, knowing full well the damage had already been done. I looked back up and shrugged with a wry smile. "My eyes were open the whole time."
He shook his head again and I could see that it wasn't a good time to try to push him to apologize.
"Come on, let's get lunch ready. Mom and Dad will be home soon and if they don't get their cabbage and black eyed peas on New Year's Day they're gonna be poor and unlucky all year long. I don't want to be responsible for that." I was rewarded with a brief chuckle and stood to head to the kitchen, surprised when he pulled me into a tight hug.
"I love you, Cass."
"I love you, too."
Aaron started lunch while I did a final run through of the house, picking up a few stray red plastic cups and airing out the garage. When our parents got home we spent a relatively pleasant afternoon relaxing as a family. Me and Aaron did a respectable job of covering up any lingering tension and my parents didn't appear to have picked up on anything out of the ordinary.
That evening we all hung out in the living room together and made fun of a cheesy New Year's special on television, but through it all I couldn't ignore the heavy lump that seemed to be lodged in my throat.
He was leaving tomorrow.
I didn't know how I'd expected this...thing, for lack of a better word, to end between us, but it wasn't like this. It just felt wrong walking away with no resolution. Not that I'd expected declarations of love or tearful farewells or anything, but a quiet moment together would have been nice; a moment that didn't involve an irate brother and a potential concussion.
After a while I excused myself and went up to hide in my bedroom. I turned some music on my laptop and Al Green started playing as I flopped back onto my bed. Crap, I was NOT going to cry. I refused to let myself cry.
I rolled to my stomach and felt a lump under the sheets so I shoved my hand under them angrily to dislodge whatever it was. It turned out to be Jax's plaid button up. Instinctively I brought it up to my face and breathed deeply, smelling him on the shirt.
The tears fell.
I knew all along what the end result would be regardless of the way we said goodbye. So why did I feel so bad about it? Why did I have the overwhelming need to see him again, make sure he was okay, make sure there wasn't anything else that needed to be said between us? Why did the whole thing feel so...unfinished?
My phone lay on the bed within arms reach and I longed to reach for it. I could do it. Call him. Or send him a text. I could say I just wanted to ask if his jaw was okay.
No. I shook my head at myself. The last thing I wanted was to be another one of those girls begging him to fill my slot. It was over and I just needed to find a way to let it go. It hurt now, but maybe once I was back at school it would get easier. At least there would be plenty to distract me.
I sighed and closed my eyes, clutching his shirt tight to my chest as the tears dried on my cheeks.
9
Jax sat on the top step of the back porch and stared out at the darkening backyard, not really seeing it. He felt like shit physically and emotionally. There was a dull ache emanating from his jaw into the back of his skull, but that wasn't what he was fixating on. He was too busy going back and forth between feeling despondent that his best friend of almost twenty years never wanted to see him again and feeling heartbroken that his best friend's sister didn't want anything more from him than some lessons in how to get off.
He couldn't blame her, they both said from the beginning that was all it was about between them, but somewhere along the way he'd gotten completely tangled up in her. The last two days he'd forced himself to leave her alone, give her space to think about what she really wanted, but the unintended result had been that he'd had space to think about what he really wanted. Once the urgency of his physical desire for her was removed from the equation, he realized that it wasn't what was driving him.
He didn't just want her body, he wanted all of her. He wanted her sweet smiles and her embarrassed giggles and her fiery temper and her teasing jibes. He wanted her to be his and he wanted everyone to know it.
The very idea of it scared the shit out of him. He tried to tell himself he was confusing lust and long-time friendship with...well, something else and he'd almost convinced himself it was true until last night. He couldn't say for sure it was the kiss that tipped him over the edge, but some time during the course of the night he'd given in completely.
Last night after she asked him to stay he'd found himself lying in her bed just watching her sleep. His chest ached at the sight of her thick lashes lying against her pale cheeks, her lips red and puffy from his kisses. Those same lips were curled into a relaxed, satisfied smile
and his heart swelled with the knowledge that he was the one who put that smile on her face.
"Fine, I admit it," he whispered to himself. "I love her."
The words echoed in his mind, not nearly as surprising as they should have been. If he thought about it, the signs had been there from the very beginning. It had never really felt like a game to him. Once he allowed himself to acknowledge it a sense of peace settled on him. Holding her like that, their bodies twined together, it seemed so natural; so right.
He'd been relatively confident she felt something for him too, until this morning. Her comments to Aaron about seducing him and getting all she wanted from him had caught him by surprise. And then his clumsy attempts to feel her out had not gone the way he expected when she came right out and told him she didn't want anything more from him. Her words had cut him like a knife and he'd shut himself off so she wouldn't see that she'd hurt him.
Still, even now he couldn't help but wonder whether that whole conversation might have gone differently if it hadn't come on the heels of their confrontation with Aaron. His tirade had left them both angry and defensive, and in Jax's case, fuzzy headed and in pain. Maybe if they'd woken slowly with the rising sun, still wrapped in each other's arms, she'd have seen what he felt in his eyes and he never would have had to struggle to find the words to tell her...
It didn't matter now; he just needed to find some way to let it go. Hopefully it wouldn't be too hard. Work would keep him busy enough and unless he found some way to fix things with Aaron, which didn't seem likely at the moment, he wouldn't have to worry about running into her.
He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Right now it definitely felt like a bad thing, since the only person in the world he wanted to see was her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and bury his face in her hair so he could smell her. He wanted to hear her tell him that everything was going to be okay and feel her hands soothing the tense muscles of his back. More than anything he wanted to kiss her again. Damn it, why hadn't he at least kissed her again?