by A. Anders
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said aggressively. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
I didn’t understand what was going on. Helpless, all I could think to do was hold her. I did, and she cried more.
“Do you know what it’s like to know that people are watching every embarrassing, gross, humiliating experience you have and to know that you could never hide any of it? To be watched every second of every day. To know that they were judging you, making fun of you, jacking off to you? And to know that you could never escape them?
“The bonus checks were larger when I partied. So I would party until I couldn’t remember that there were people in my head. But then I would sober up and the memories would come back.
“Eventually, I started dating an anti-chipper. The company didn’t like it, but I didn’t care. I loved him. We would go out, and I would pay for everything while he ranted about how evil my company was and how horrible I was for doing what I was doing.
“But I knew that he didn’t mean it against me. In fact, whenever he spoke, he wasn’t even really talking to me. He was talking to them. I was just his camera.
“Oh, and he would never touch me,” Rose scoffed. “To him, anyone who did what I did was corporate trash. And I felt like a trash. So I liked to hear him say it. It made what I felt on the inside match how I thought people saw me. It gave me a strange satisfaction.
“And then one day when I desperately needed to hear him say it, I asked him if he could ever love me. I had expected him to say that he already did love me. I thought that was why he said those aweful things to me. But instead he said that he could never love me as long as my chip was on.
“Well, I really needed him to love me. At least, I needed someone to love me. So I marched into my company’s headquarters and demanded that they shut off my chip. And they did.
“I was so happy after that. I was free. I knew that now, he could love me and we could finally be together like how I dreamed we could be.
“I rushed to him and told him what I had done. But as soon as I did, I could see the spark in his eyes fade. I was his camera. Without that, all I was to him was used up trash.”
The tears again rolled down her cheeks. This time, she quickly wiped them away. Her pain washed through me in waves. I wanted to pull her tight and promise to fix everything for her, but I couldn’t. What she needed was the sunlight. So I rubbed her arm gently and listened.
“What happened after that?” I asked, prompting her to continue.
“Nothing. I couldn’t find a job. I was twenty-six years old, and I didn’t know how to do anything but be a camera. I never saved anything. The money came in so easily that I thought it would last forever. And when it stopped… ” She shrugged her shoulders. “What else could I do? I mean…” She stopped and looked away. “There was nothing else I knew how to do.
“For eight years, people had paid to watch me have sex. What was the difference between being paid by guys in lab coats and being paid by some guy behind a computer? At least this way, I could shut the camera off whenever I wanted.
“So that’s what I did. I was good at it, and it wasn’t just about sex. They would watch me live my life. I would look into the mirror and make videos where I talked to them.
“I told them about myself and my thoughts. They posted comments cheering me up when I was sad. They cared about me more than anyone else ever did. I just didn’t know them.
“And, so what if they also watched me have sex? It really felt like they all loved me. At least someone loved me. And do you know how it feels to be loved by millions of people after being loved by no one? It’s amazing.
“You just have to keep believing that it’s real. That’s all. But after a while, I couldn’t. Not for another second. I was as alone as I had always been.
“And then one day, a miracle happened. I got an email saying that I was personally invited to participate in a game show where I would be guaranteed to find love.”
Rose’s eyes darted, as she tried not to become emotional again.
“I was such a fool.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I mean, what did I think? That someone would come here and be able to see me and love me? No. Instead, they used the chip in my head to kill people. Why would someone do that to me, Ford? Huh?”
I didn’t know the answer.
“Why had I believed that someone could ever see me? I’m nothing. I’m what people look through to see what they want to see. I’m the camera,” she said with a sniff.
“‘You can’t love something that isn’t there.’ That’s what my boyfriend would say to me. And he was right. I don’t even exist. I’m nothing. I’m invisible,” she concluded, wiping the endless tears from her eyes.
I paused, staring at her. I reached up and gently brushed her chin with the side of my hand. She turned her face and looked at me. She was vulnerable and beautiful and damaged and wonderful. Looking at her made my heart hurt.
“I see you,” I said softly. “I can see you.”
It was then that she revealed herself to me for the first time. She let go of her hardened façade and cried. She showed me her anger, her joys, and her fears. She showed me her pain. Most of all, she showed me her capacity to love. She threw her arms around me, and I promised her that I would hold on to her for as long as she needed me.
When Rose let go, it was to sit up. “What if we don’t go back?” she whispered. “I’m choosing you. I can tell them, or whoever has to know. I’ll tell them.”
I looked away, and she shifted to look into my eyes.
“We could just escape somewhere. We could disappear, and they’ll never know.”
My brow furrowed as I stared back. I knew that if she suddenly got up and walked away, I would follow her. I would follow her anywhere she wanted to go. But I didn’t want her to ask me for this promise. I couldn’t leave my men to die alone again.
She lowered her eyes and spoke softly. “If they find out that I’ve chosen you, they’ll try to kill me. I know they’ve talked about it.”
I considered what she had said. She was right. If they thought that it was the only way they could stay alive, they would kill her. They couldn’t know about us.
“I’ll protect you, no matter what. But we’ll have to keep everything a secret.”
Rose paused and looked down. She didn’t hide her pain. “I can’t watch them all die, Ford. I can’t.”
“If we can get to the compound, then you won’t have to.”
“But I can’t help how I feel about them. I can’t control it.”
“Then you have to remind yourself how much you need them. The eliminations aren’t at exact intervals. Remember Carl? That happened hours after Victor. You have some control. Just remind yourself that we need all of them if we’re gonna make it to the compound.
“If we get attached again, I’ll need Gray’s help. Brad is the medicine man. You know that. Thorin is the only one who knows how to remove the chips.
“And when we get to the compound there could be dozens of people. I’ll need all of their help if we need to fight our way in. We need all of them. Stay focused on that.”
Rose wasn’t convinced, but what I said gave her hope. She hadn’t told me much about her experiences with the chip, but what I said seemed to make sense to her. Maybe she had a reason to believe my suggestion would work.
We both got dressed and headed back toward last night’s camp. It was later than I would have liked, but perhaps now that Rose knew how important everyone was, the lost time wouldn’t matter.
We walked in silence. I wanted to take her hand, but I didn’t. It was already bad enough that I had spent the night with her. I didn’t want to tip anyone off about what exactly went on. I wasn’t Brad.
It was then that I remembered Bob. He had seemed stable when we left. Had Rose’s chip killed him, or had it been something else? Or, could Rose be wrong? Was he still alive?
Thinking about finding another dead man, my chest cle
nched. I had sworn to myself to get them all to the compound, but here was yet another failure. I had to keep reminding myself that if we hurried and Rose could control the chip, he would be the last one.
“We should hurr…”
Bang! I flinched back when I heard the gunshot. It was instinct. Rose squealed. I moved to catch her, but she fell. “Rose!” I screamed.
I threw myself to the ground next to her. She held the side of her face. She looked stunned.
“Are you hit?” I whispered, touching her.
She looked at me scared.
“Let me see,” I demanded.
She removed her hand from her ear. The cartilage on the edge of her lobe was torn. It resembled an earring being ripped out. It wasn’t bad.
Rose looked at her palm. Finding only a light smear of blood, her tense body loosened.
“You’re fine,” I whispered holding a finger to my lips to silence her.
I had no doubt who had taken the shot. I looked around, seeing nothing but trees. “Goddammit, Gray! What did you do?”
For a moment, all I got back was silence. Then Gray yelled back, “Did I get her?”
“Yeah. You got her, Gray. She’s dead.”
Another pause followed. “And we’re all still alive. You should have let me do this a long time ago. Maybe Bob would still be alive.”
I closed my eyes, locking onto his voice. When I opened them, I knew which direction he was in and how far away he was. I signaled for Rose to get up but stay low.
“Bob’s dead?” I asked to keep him talking.
“Yeah. That bitch killed him.”
“So you had to kill her for revenge?”
I pointed at a tree a few meters away. I told her to hide behind it.
“Revenge? No. I knew I was next. It was either going to be me or her. I had to take my chances. But she’s dead now, and nothing happened. I took charge, and I saved everyone, even your ass. You should be thanking me.”
I understood what he was doing. He was asking for permission to come out of hiding.
“You’re right, Gray. I wouldn’t have done this. I would have protected her until the very end. But considering the argument she and I just had, she probably would have eliminated me next,” I lied.
“Then I saved your ass?” he asked with building confidence.
“You saved us all. You did what the rest of us couldn’t.”
That did it. I heard him approaching. Staying low, I headed in the opposite direction of Rose.
“You damn right I did. And you just keep in mind how many people would still be alive if you all had just listened to me from the beginning. You’re gonna have to live with that on your shoulders. Not me. You.”
I watched as he approached the spot where Rose fell. He looked around confused. His smug confidence was replaced by intense fear. He pointed his gun in front of him.
“What did you do, Ford?” he asked with mounting dread.
I didn’t answer. He scurried forward, looking for us.
“I’ll tell you what you did,” he shouted. “You got me killed you son-of-a-bitch!”
I watched as he turned in Rose’s direction. I had to draw him away from her.
“That wasn’t me, Gray. That was you.”
He turned slowly, heading toward me. “Why are you doing this, huh? Why are you protecting her? Is it because you think she loves you? She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t know how.
“You ever watch her vid feed, Ford? You ever watch her fuck one of those guys? And there were a lot of them, Ford. A whole goddamn lot of them.
“You ever fuck the same guy twice, Rose? If you did, I never saw it. And Ford, after every time, she’d tell ‘em that she loved them. Every goddamn time.
“She told me that she loved me, and I didn’t even fuck her. She told Brad, and you know she fucked him. Hell, she probably even fucked Thorin.”
“I never did anything with Thorin!” Rose yelled.
A prickly panic washed over me, not because she had given up her position and Gray was headed towards her, but because her limited denial revealed so much. It confirmed that everything else Gray had said had been true.
I swallowed hard. My stomach bubbled, telling me that Gray was right. I didn’t know who she was. Had she been using that fact to manipulate me? Did she believe that I would be the only one to fall for her act?
Thoughts rushed through my mind. She told me what she did for a living. She had sex while millions watched. Is that why she had had sex with me? Was she performing for the cameras? Had she agreed to do the show even after the producers had told her that everyone she eliminated would die?
Rose’s voice snatched my attention. “It’s not true, Ford.”
“Don’t say anything, Rose,” I snapped, knowing that she was revealing her position.
“Oh, you know it’s true, Rose,” Gray said, encouraging her to talk. “Everything I said was true. You just love everybody, don’t you? And you don’t care who you fuck.”
“Ford, I swear to you, you’re different.” Her weak denial hurt my heart. “You have to believe me,” she yelled.
“He’s trying to get you to talk so that he can kill you. You have to stop talking,” I demanded.
“But we’re all dead anyway, right?” Rose replied. “There’s no way that any of us are leaving this island.”
“You don’t know that,” I countered.
“It doesn’t matter. None of this matters anymore,” Rose said. “But before I die, I need you to know the truth; I don’t know what love is. That’s the truth. And that’s why I never said it to you. I didn’t wanna lie to you.”
“Why me?” I asked, desperately trying to process it all.
“Because I knew that you were the only one who had hadn’t recognized me. You didn’t already make up your mind about me. You had the best chance of seeing me, the real me, and not the fantasy,” she admitted.
Her words sounded so convincing. But didn’t she perform for a living? “I don’t know who you are, Rose.”
“I know. And that makes two of us. But I know who you are. You’re a good man. You deserve to be with someone better than me.
“I think Gray’s right. If I die, it may save everyone else.”
“You don’t know that,” I yelled back to her.
“But even if there’s a chance…”
I could hear in her voice that she had given up. It was at that moment that I felt the first drop of rain.
“The numbers are clear. You have to save as many people as you can. I know that’s what you’re gonna do anyway because you’re a hero. That’s what heroes do. And Ford…”
I looked out from behind my tree to see Rose step out from behind her own. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her eyes found mine. “I forgive you,” she said. She then closed her eyes, lifted her arms and prepared to die.
Gray, ten feet from her, raised his gun. When he did, everything in front of me slowed to a crawl. It felt like I was the only one moving, and I was moving fast. I was screaming. I knew Gray would turn to look at me. Split seconds. That’s all we’re ever looking for.
Frantically turning around, he aimed his gun at me. He would get a shot off before I got there. I couldn’t help that. All I could hope for was that he would miss.
The gun fired. I flinched, not sure if I was hit. I couldn’t tell. I was still moving forward, though. He wouldn’t have a chance for another shot.
I ducked and swung my arm, redirecting his aim. Charging at full force, my shoulder barreled into his stomach, lifting him into the air. When he landed, the force of the impact robbed him of breath.
I couldn’t possibly save Gray at this point. I knew he wouldn’t stop trying to kill Rose. Either he was going to walk away from this fight or I was. Rose needed it to be me.
Straddling him, I hit him in the face. I heard bones break. It was a sound I had heard before. Considering the density of a skull, odds were that the bones breaking were my own.
I didn’t sto
p, though. I couldn’t. I hit him until he was bloody. I didn’t want to kill him, but I had to. Rose was right. It was a matter of numbers. If Gray killed her, every one of us could die. I had to kill Gray.
When Gray looked like he couldn’t take anymore, I stopped. His head wobbled, but his eyes slowly locked onto mine. In them, I could see his humanity.
He hadn’t asked for any of this nightmare. None of us had. He had the chance to kill me when he woke and found me unconscious next to him in the woods, but he didn’t. I had to find another way, I decided. I must find another way.
A shot fired. I had lost track of his gun. I had assumed that I had knocked it out of his hand or that he had let it go when he slammed onto the ground, but neither had happened. He had held onto it even as I pummeled him. In the split second that I had considered saving him, he had aimed the gun at my gut and had fired.
It wasn’t the first time that I had been shot, so I knew the score. A shot in a limb was what you hoped for. I mean, no one hoped to be shot, but if you had to take a bullet, that was where you wanted it.
You could live after a shot to the head, but odds are you wouldn’t want to. A shot to the chest was the one most likely to kill you. A shot to the stomach, though, you saved for the people you really hated.
I fell to the side as the intense wave of pain took over me. The acids from my punctured organs burned my insides. The putrid smell and the blinding pain was torture. I couldn’t move.
I could see, though. Gray hadn’t been as hurt as I had thought. He slowly pulled himself to his feet as the raindrops grew heavier around him.
Standing above me, he didn’t speak. He didn’t have to. I knew what he was going to do next.
I watched as he lifted his gun, pointing it at my chest. He aimed it where he didn’t think I would survive, and he was right. I thought his face would be the last thing I’d see.
“Gray!” Rose yelled with fury.
Gray turned and saw her. Her wet hair lay flat. Her dampened shirt clung to her chest while the ferocity in her eyes screamed death.
I looked up through the canopy of dancing leaves to find the tower. Its brightening red light bounced off the raindrops and lit up the stormy gray sky. By the time I looked back, Gray had already begun to choke.