Christening

by Claire Kent

  Erin wanted to snatch her up and cradle her. Wanted to hold her, protect her, and never let go. Their daughter was so much like Seth, and so there were so many ways for the world to hurt her.

  After swallowing hard, all Erin said was, “Don’t forget your dandelions.”

  Mackenzie carefully bent over and picked up the tenuously connected mat with both hands. Carried it with intense caution as she and Erin together walked slowly over to Seth and Anna.

  After a brief, hungry glance at Erin, Seth’s eyes remained on Mackenzie as she approached him. He was still on his knees—Anna clinging to him delightedly—so he was almost on his older daughter’s eye level.

  When Mackenzie was facing him, she stopped. Looked up at Erin as if making sure her mother were still beside her.

  Then she stretched out both arms. Offered Seth the mat of dandelions. “I made this for you.”

  The twisted stems and smashed heads looked even less appealing now, after the journey over here. But Seth accepted the gift with infinite seriousness, holding it as if it were precious. “Thank you,” he murmured, gazing down at her handiwork. “It’s beautiful. Have you been working on it all morning?”

  Mackenzie nodded, her expression gradually fading from that heart-wrenching anxiety. “Yes.” Then, glancing over at her little sister, she added, “Anna helped too.”

  Anna erupted into proud smiles at this high praise from her big sister. Giggling, she leaned against Seth’s shoulder and announced, “I picked all the dandy-lines.”

  “You did?” Seth breathed, his eyes widening as he brushed a kiss into her hair. “You did an excellent job. Those are extraordinary dandelions.”

  While Anna hugged herself in delight, Seth turned back to Mackenzie. “Thank you,” he said again. “This is one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever gotten.”

  Mackenzie’s lovely, childish, utterly solemn face broke into a sudden smile. “You’re welcome.”

  Then Seth moved the treasured mat of weeds into one hand and held out his other to his daughter. Mackenzie moved into his arm, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as he gathered her into a one-armed hug.

  Anna giggled in pure glee and breathed, “Daddy,” as she tried to enthusiastically hug her father’s back.

  Erin had to turn away so she could wipe at her eyes without anyone seeing.

  And she’d thought she wasn’t emotional today.

  ***

  Several hours later, Erin was lying by herself on a blanket under a tree, in a secluded spot just out of sight of the house.

  The day had gone pretty well, so far. They’d all had a pleasant lunch with her father and his girlfriend, Stella, and then Erin had left to let Seth spend some time with the girls alone. She’d taken a book outside—the same book she’d been trying to read earlier—and had read until she’d dozed off in the warm shade of the quiet afternoon.

  When she woke up, she was a little bit stiff, but generally felt relaxed and content. She didn’t feel like moving, so she just stretched out more comfortably and enjoyed the peaceful interlude by herself.

  A few minutes later, she realized she wasn’t alone.

  She felt his presence before she saw him appear, coming from the direction of the house.

  “Hey,” she said, smiling drowsily at the sight of his familiar figure, his handsome face, and the brown hair that looked auburn in the sun, although he absolutely refused to admit that it was red.

  “Hi.” He moved until he was close enough to lower himself onto the blanket beside her. He settled into a sitting position, gazing down at her with watchful, quiet eyes.

  Feeling a little self-conscious all of a sudden, she smoothed down her skirt, which had been hiked up to her knees, and said stupidly, “I had a nap.”

  The corner of his mouth turned up. “It certainly looks that way.”

  His expression was so dry and tender both—the combination somehow utterly natural to Seth—that Erin couldn’t help but return his smile. “Is that some kind of slam on my hair?”

  “Of course not. Your hair is perfect.”

  Erin had to chuckle at his barefaced lie. Her hair, she was sure, was sprawled out unattractively all over the blanket, but she was too lethargic to move yet, even to rescue her appearance. “Where are the girls?”

  “They went out to get ice cream with your father.”

  “Oh.” She raised her head slightly. “Well, you should have gone with them. Did something happen? You came here to see them.”

  “They’re fine. Your father just offered to take them out for an hour or two.” He reached to pick up one of her hands and held it almost diffidently. “And the girls aren’t the only ones I came here to see.”

  He met her eyes then, and there was something deep and powerful and moving in his gaze—that nameless expression that still, even now, managed to take her breath away.

  Swallowing hard, Erin felt a flood of warmth fill her chest, and she rested her head back on the blanket as she stared up at him. Both of his hands were warm and strong as they held hers. “Seth,” she began softly. Then realized she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say.

  A watchful kind of calm had settled over him—so different from his panicked urgency a week ago—and his voice was low and husky as he spoke. “Erin, how have you been?”

  “I’ve been okay.” At his pointed look, she continued, “Really, I am. It hasn’t been easy—being away from you like this—but I’ve been able to do a lot of thinking and put some things in better perspective.”

  Seth’s expression didn’t change, but she sensed that he’d suddenly tightened in palpable tension. “And?” he prompted, his voice barely a breath.

  Erin was about to answer, try to articulate the realizations she’d come to this week, when she suddenly caught a flicker of terror in his eyes, beyond the cool composure. And she realized what he was expecting, or dreading, or praying wasn’t about to happen. “Seth,” she burst out, almost impatiently. “I told you before. I don’t want a divorce.”

  The tension deflated in Seth’s body, like a popped balloon, and only then did she realize how truly scared he’d been. Closing his eyes, he murmured, “I know you said that a week ago, but sometimes people change their mind when they have time to think.” He was still holding one of her hands in both of his, and now he started stroking the back of it with his thumb.

  Rolling her eyes, Erin muttered, “Well, I didn’t want a divorce then, and I don’t want one now. For one thing, I don’t give up on things so easily.”

  Seth shot her a wry, amused look.

  “And for another, I’m still hopelessly in love with you.” Seth’s face softened then, so much that she almost melted away on the blanket. But she didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, so she made herself add, “We still have a lot to work on, but—if we both commit to it—then I think we can get through this.”

  He nodded and looked down at her fingers tangled with his. “I am committed to it, Erin. Whatever it takes.”

  They were silent for a long time, and she began to relax again, lulled by the sound of his breathing and the comfort of his near presence.

  After a while, Seth shifted until he was stretched out beside her on the blanket, lying on his side with his head propped up on his hand. He was still holding her hand with his free one, though. “So what did you figure out this week?” he asked at last.

  “Well, I’ve mostly been trying to think about what’s happened to us, to me. And I’ve come to a few conclusions about what I want for myself and what I think we both want from our marriage and family. But that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. I haven’t gotten any clear ideas about how to get there yet.”

  “Well,” he murmured, smiling at her a little. “Maybe I can help you out with that part. I’m an excellent strategist, you know.”

  Erin huffed out a breath of laughter. “I know.” She thought about pursuing this conversation and starting to hash out everything they needed to address, but it had the makings for a long, agoniz
ing conversation, and she wasn’t sure she had the time and energy right now.

  It felt too good, at the moment, just lying in the grass on a lazy Saturday afternoon, with Seth beside her, holding her hand.

  It felt almost simple. As simple as their lives could ever be.

  “How have the girls been?” he asked eventually, as if he too wanted to wait for the more complex, intense conversation.

  Switching the current of her thoughts, Erin replied, “I think they’ve been all right. Anna…well, you know Anna.” She smiled fondly. “She’s so resilient and sunny-natured. She wants to talk about you a lot, and she’s been clingier than usual, with me and Mackenzie and even with my dad. But, as soon as things settle down again, I think she’ll be fine.”

  Seth nodded, his mouth soft and eyes warm as he thought about his younger daughter. But his expression changed when he prompted, “And Mackenzie?”

  Erin hesitated as she tried to articulate her thoughts on Mackenzie.

  Tightening his lips, Seth asked, “Did you have to talk her into coming over to greet me this morning and giving me the dandelion…” He visibly tried to search for the right word for his gift. Failed and concluded awkwardly, “…thing?”

  “No. The dandelion thing was her own idea. I had no idea she was going to give it to you until she did. It was spontaneous, and sincere, and obviously a sign of how much she loves you.”

  “But you did have to talk her into greeting me?”

  “Sort of. But it wasn’t because she didn’t want to talk to you. I think she was scared.”

  “Of what?”

  Trying to sort through the situation herself, Erin explained, “She wouldn’t go to you until I came with her. I think maybe…maybe subconsciously she’s scared of having to choose only one of us. She’s old enough to know about divorce, and she has friends whose parents have gone through ugly, messy ones. I don’t know for sure what she thinks is going to happen. You know how private she is, and sometimes it’s so hard for her to share what she’s thinking. But I think maybe she believes she has to take sides between us. And, since you’re the one who’s been gone…”

  “I’ve become the bad guy.”

  Worried that this possibility would wound Seth bitterly, Erin hurried on, “But she doesn’t want you to be the bad guy. She adores you. And so she’s torn between what she feels and what she thinks might have to happen.” Sighing, she suggested, “Maybe you can spend some one-on-one time with her in the next week or two. You’ve always been better at getting her to open up than I have, and I think she needs to know that your role in her life hasn’t changed.”

  Seth nodded. “I’ll do that. Has she been withdrawing significantly?”

  “No. She’s been acting basically normal, except as regards you. She’s always had the tendency to brood…” She paused and gave Seth a teasing look, as if to ask him where their daughter might have gotten that particular characteristic. “But she hasn’t been pulling away from either me or Anna.”

  “Good,” he murmured, staring down at their still entwined hands. “I’ve been worried about her.”

  His voice was mild and matter-of-fact, but the knowledge of how true this probably was—how anxious he must have been about his daughter this week—made Erin’s heart lurch a little.

  She tightened her hand around his in silent response.

  They were silent for a little while longer—lying side by side, holding hands—until Erin met his eyes again. “How have you been, Seth?”

  “I’ve been all right.” When he saw her skeptical look, he raised his eyebrows. “Admittedly, I haven’t been great, but I haven’t fallen apart, if that’s what you were afraid of.”

  Honestly, Erin had been a little afraid of that. More than once, she’d woken up in the middle of the night, blindly terrified about how Seth was doing, about whether he’d fallen into despair by himself.

  She knew how deeply he felt things. She knew better than anyone. So she knew how deeply he would have to feel this.

  “Good,” she murmured. Turning toward him slightly, she pulled her hand free and gently stroked his cheek in an oddly tentative gesture. Noticed the shadows around his eyes. “Have you been sleeping?”

  He narrowed his eyes, although he was leaning a little into her hand. “Enough.”

  Feeling another surge of tenderness, she caressed one of his cheekbones with her thumb. “I don’t think you have. Have you been working through the nights?”

  Unexpectedly, he released a low chuckle. “One would think I would, right? After letting work get in the way of my family. But ironically I haven’t been able to, not at night anyway. I’d try, but then I’d always get distracted.”

  Erin’s heart lurched again. Part of her had been hoping that he’d had work to distract him from their absence. But now she had no choice but to visualize him, haunting an empty apartment, unable to sleep, unable to work, unable to do anything but be lonely.

  “Oh, Seth,” she said hoarsely, her hands sliding around to the back of his neck. “Was it that bad? You weren’t drinking too much, were you?”

  “I told you—I didn’t fall apart. The first night…well, I didn’t handle it well. But I’ve been doing all right since.”

  He was downplaying his own misery, so she wouldn’t feel bad, but Erin felt bad anyway. Felt terrible. Felt guilty. And her face must have reflected it.

  Seth frowned. “You’re not feeling sorry for me, are you?”

  “Of course not. I wouldn’t dare to do something like that.” She moved her hand back to once again caress his familiar face. “But I can’t help but want to take care of you. You look tired.”

  “I am tired,” he admitted, reaching up and pulling her hand off his face, but then twining his fingers with hers once again. “But I’m all right.” Shifting the elbow that was supporting his head, he continued, “I know you didn’t leave to prove something to me or to make a point. But I think…I think maybe it did help me see something that I had somehow neglected to see before.”

  Erin’s brows lowered as she listened, feeling like this might be important.

  Seth hesitated. Looked down at the blanket. Shifted again, self-consciously, proving that what he was trying to say was hard for him to admit. “Those nights I spent this week, alone in our bed, were so much harder than the nights I’ve spent in hotels. I could sense you all around me, and so I could feel your absence even more. It should have felt like home, but it didn't. It felt so empty.” He finally looked up. Met her eyes. “And I realized how you must have felt—all those nights I was gone. It had never occurred to me before. I just always thought of you as safe and happy with the girls. I always thought of you as…home. But now I realize that it’s not the same home when one of us isn’t there.”

  Erin’s throat had constricted as she realized what he was saying.

  On a roll now, Seth went on, his voice unusually thick, “I’m so sorry, Erin. That I’m only now thinking about how hard it must have been for you. For you and the girls. Not just when I was out of town but when I was in town but not really home. And it’s not just an empty gesture of appeasement when I say I’m not going to let it happen again.”

  All of the emotion in Erin’s chest and belly was flooding up into her throat and eyes. Unable to speak, she nodded at him, to let him know she’d understood.

  “And I know that doesn’t address all of our problems, and there are some unavoidable work issues that we’ll have to try to deal with, but I wanted you to hear this from me now.” He raised his hand then, to brush one of the tears from the corner of Erin’s eye.

  “Thank you,” she managed to say.

  She’d sensed that Seth had been holding back his urge to really touch her during their conversation. And, now, as if he couldn’t hold himself back anymore, he lifted her hand and pressed a soft kiss into her palm.

  She relaxed back on the blanket and gazed up at him. Didn’t pull her hand away.

  He met her eyes deeply. Kissed her palm again. The
n pushed another warm kiss into the heel of her hand. Another on the pulse in her wrist.

  And everything felt so warm, and safe, and simple. Like a dream or a story. Like a quiet summer afternoon.

  She knew what the smolder in his eyes meant. She knew why his body was starting to tighten.

  He was moving slowly. Giving her a chance to stop him, to decide what she wanted.

  She didn’t need to decide. Things weren’t perfect between them. Weren’t even close to perfect. There was a lot they needed to deal with. A lot of painful, conflicted issues that would take a long time to work through.

  But they didn't have to do it all at once. Didn't have to do it all now. He was still her husband. And she loved him. And it had been almost six weeks now since they’d made love.

  She didn’t want to wait anymore.

  “Erin,” Seth murmured, his lips trailing deliciously down the sensitive skin on the underside of her forearm. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

  “Mmm hmm,” she murmured, shivering in pleasure as he tongued the crease where her arm bent.

  “I’ve never stopped loving you. There’s never been anyone but you.” He had to lean over now, as he mouthed his way up to her shoulder. “I haven’t had sex—or wanted to have sex—with another woman since you were pregnant with Mackenzie. You know that, don't you?”

  Erin sighed, her hands fluttering up to unconsciously settle on his shoulders. “Yeah. Me either. I mean another man,” she amended, as she thought about his last words. “Or woman, for that matter.”

  Seth chuckled against her throat, and the vibrations sent luscious shudders through her body. “That’s good to know.” He’d rolled over until he was halfway on top of her, and his body was tense and hot. But even his intensity seemed to melt into the warm afternoon. “Erin?” he asked thickly. “Baby, do you want to…”

  “The girls aren’t here?”

  “They’ll be gone for more than an hour.” With an effort, he pulled his mouth off her skin and held himself above her on straightened arms. “Are you sure? I know things aren’t right between us yet—”