by Elle Rease
“What do you think of her?”
“She…” The words got caught in her throat. She’s poison. I don’t like the look of her. She’s going to make you miserable. How on God’s green earth could she ever say something like that to a boy who’s turned around at death’s door? “She’s beautiful.”
Byron’s stare was knowing, perceptive. He didn’t believe her. “She is.”
In that moment, Cinnia realized that she wanted him to say that about her, not some high school brat who was probably going to break his heart. She wanted Byron to be hers, to trail behind her on his Harley because he longed to protect her, to keep an eye on her, to be there when she needed him.
Oh God, she had a hero complex about a boy, seven years her junior! What the hell was wrong with her? She was happily married to the love of her life and couldn’t even picture being with anyone else, sexually. Why was she possessive over Byron? Did she feel like his mother, his overprotective older sister?
Or was it something more?
“I—” She coughed to hide the crack in her voice, getting up and running a shaky hand over her hair, which was coming loose from its braid. No small wonder, considering what she’d got up to with Brennan. Her core throbbed at the reminder and she breathed with relief. She loved and was attracted to him, not Byron. Whatever she felt for this boy must be maternal. “I’ll get Zoey for you. She’s eager to see you.”
“Cin,” Byron said as she turned around.
She composed herself and gazed at him. “Yeah?”
His face was kind, yet she could sense he was worried about her. “Thank you.”
For saving my life, hung in the air between them.
She inclined her head. “Good to have you back, By.” And then she left very swiftly, forcing her weird feelings down, to be examined later, preferably in Dr. McKauley’s office.
But hopefully never, she thought grimly.
Chapter Twenty-One
The last couple of months have been rough. Cinnia was happy to be taking this trip to get away from it all, if only for a few hours… Even though she was being tailed by two Harleys. None of that mattered while her favorite band was bleeding out of the SUV’s speakers.
It wasn’t quite taking her mind off things, but it was giving it a heck of a shot.
She tapped the steering wheel to the rhythm of Avenged Sevenfold’s Bat Country as she took the off-ramp that led to the rehabilitation center Byron has been staying at, hoping that he was truly ready to turn his life around. It’s been hell without him, and many times worse because he had to deal with addiction so early in his life. His education had to take a backseat while he wrestled his demons.
She didn’t find it fair that someone so young had so many worries. If it wasn’t bad enough that she had so many scars from her assault, both physical and psychological… She had her good days and bad ones, yet it was hard to remain optimistic after she’d been told she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant without risking too much of her own health in the process.
She’s wanted Brennan’s baby for the better part of eight months. Knowing that she couldn’t physically carry that child was killing her, but surrogacy was her only option if she wanted to have a family of her own. Brennan wasn’t keen on adoption.
Failure, that mean voice she’s come to know so well sneered. You’re a failure.
Dr. McKauley was helping Cinnia overcome these fits of self-hate and self-doubts, but it was difficult to stay on the offensive. Sometimes, Cinnia just wanted to give in and wallow, drown in misery for a couple of days. She fought hard against that instinct, since she had no clue if she’ll ever find her way to the light. She didn’t want to take the chance.
And she never, ever mentioned that strange moment in hospital, when she’d visited Byron’s bedside. No one needed to know how confused she was about him.
Stopping at the boom gate of the rehab’s entrance, she greeted the guard on duty with a small smile. He handed her a sign-in book and she took her time to fill in the details they required before allowing entrance.
“The two bikers are with me,” she informed the guard as she returned the book.
He peered at the Raptors members for a moment, assessing whether they were a threat. Then he shrugged. “Okay, you can go.”
“Thanks.”
She put the car into drive and kept to the speed limit all the way to the parking lot. She was nervous seeing Byron again, though she had an idea why. He’d cut himself off from everyone when he had decided to extend his stay, presumably to “focus on getting better”, so she hasn’t seen him in nearly four months. A part of her was afraid that he’s turned into a bible-basher.
His parents have written him off, so she wouldn’t blame him for changing to suit their needs. The poor kid has been through enough in the name of the club. If he wanted to leave, she’d miss him, but she wouldn’t judge him.
She found an empty parking spot close to the entrance and cut the engine, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Today was one big reminder of everything she’s tried her best to avoid: the assault, the injuries that had followed, Byron’s breakdown, seeing him in hospital… If she burst into tears, she doubted that anyone would think she was simply being overly emotional.
Setting her jaw, she exited the vehicle and marched to the entrance. The air-conditioning inside was a welcome relief and she pushed her sunglasses on top of her head as she sauntered over to reception. Two smiling nurses greeted her.
Cinnia mustered up as much enthusiasm as she possibly could to say: “I’m here to pick up Byron Johannson. Is he ready to go?”
“Yes, he’s just busy saying his final goodbyes,” the one nurse informed Cinnia. “I’m sure he’ll be done soon.”
“Can I…” Clearing her throat, Cinnia squared her shoulders. “Where is he? Can I go to him?”
“Sure, I’ll show you the way.”
Cinnia trailed behind the nurse, glancing at the occasional painting that lined the hallway. The club had voted to cover Byron’s rehabilitation costs, since he’d saved her life, but she knew that Ryan had to funnel a lot of his hard-earned cash into the Raptors’ depleted account. It pained her to see how much that horrible ordeal—as well as her wedding—had cost the MC.
None of them ever complained, which made her feel guilty for feeling guilty.
“There he is.”
She snapped out of her demure thoughts and blinked at the ten or so people surrounding Byron, who was grinning from ear to ear. He looked so much healthier than she remembered, his brown eyes shining with well-rested energy and his equally brown hair unkempt. He must’ve been exercising like mad, if his added muscles were anything to go on. He was even taller than he’d been a few months ago.
He was such an attractive, smart young man that it was easy to forget he was a recovering addict. To anyone on the outside, he probably appeared to have the entire world at his feet.
His gaze found hers and the mirth slowly faded from his face. She clenched her fists, immediately taking offense. He’s been so distant, purposefully pushing her out of his life… Did he hate her? Blame her for his addiction, for his life spinning out of control?
Byron spoke to the others in hushed tones, gave them each a hug, and then made his way to her. It seemed to take forever before he was in front of her. “Cin,” he murmured, embracing her tightly.
She let out a breath of relief, locking her arms around his waist. Tears burned her eyes, yet she refrained from blinking. She didn’t want him to know how much it meant that he wasn’t spurning her.
“It’s good to see you,” he said, burying his nose in her hair. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Sniffing as inconspicuously as she possibly could, she asked: “Then why didn’t you want me to visit you?”
“I was in bad shape.” He held her at arm’s length, his brows furrowing as he wiped her tears from her cheeks. “I didn’t want you to see me that way.”
“I thought…”
Understanding l
it up his eyes. “You’re wrong. I’ll never turn my back on you, Cin.”
“That’s…” She laughed softly, looking away. “I’m happy to hear that. Are you ready to go?”
“Hell yes. I’ve got subjects to ace.”
“Glad you’re taking that seriously.”
He grinned. “As serious as a heart attack.”
“Come on, then.” She linked arms with him as they walked back to reception. “How are you feeling?”
“Much better, but hey, I haven’t been in the real world in a while. The true test still lies ahead.”
“I’m very proud of you, By. This can’t be easy.”
He lifted his shoulders nonchalantly. “One day at a time, right?”
“Right.” She watched him as he signed his release forms. “Have you heard anything from Zoey or Finn?”
“No,” he replied curtly, smiling at the nurse as he handed the paperwork back.
“And Cassandra?”
“No.”
“Do you want to—”
“Cin, please,” he interrupted. “You can save those questions for a week from now. Today, I just want to go home.”
Don’t upset him, she chided herself. “Alright. Let’s go.”
They were quiet as they headed for the SUV. She wasn’t used to this lull in their conversation, although she recalled how silent he’d been in the beginning. She knew she shouldn’t take it personally, but it was hard not to. They were friends.
Even friends run out of things to talk about.
She clicked her seatbelt into place and turned the ignition, barely noticing the rumble of Harley engines. “So, I wanted to talk to you about home,” she commented.
“My parents—”
“I know.”
He stared out of his window. “Oh.”
“Brennan and I want you to live with us until you find your own place. You need to finish school without worrying about money.”
“Cin—“
“We’re not taking no for an answer.”
He sighed. “I just don’t want to be more of a burden than I already am.”
“You’re not a burden. You’re family, Byron.”
His fingers, which were spread out on his knees, twitched. “You have no idea what that means to me.”
“Then don’t say no.”
“I doubt anyone’s ever said no to you,” he chuckled.
The corners of her mouth turned up. “I’m not planning to start that trend today.” She sped up once they were on the highway. “We’ve already spoken to the principle at your school, and he’s okay with you taking extra classes to catch up. You only have two months before the end of the year, so it’s going to be rough, but once you’re done you can start focusing on college applications—”
“Jesus, Cin.”
“Language,” she admonished him dryly. “You’re in your final year, so you have to start thinking about what you’re doing next.”
“Law.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I thought you wanted to go into business management.”
“I figured I’ll be more useful to the club if I’m a lawyer.”
“By, it’s not about that. What do you want to be?”
“A lawyer.”
She let out a sharp breath, realizing that he’s made up his mind. “Okay, then you can talk to Reade about that next week. You’ll have to start applying pronto if you want to go to university next—”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “Cin, I’m begging you, can we talk about something else?”
Flinching, she nodded. “Sorry.”
“How come you’re not pregnant yet? I kinda thought you’d be.”
“I…” She cleared her throat, taken aback by his question. She thought of the numerous tests the doctors have done over the last couple of months, only to tell her it wouldn’t be “advisable” for her to get pregnant, that she’ll have to “consider other options”. Sure, it wasn’t her fault, but her body was officially against her. “We’re looking at getting a surrogate.”
Byron swore under his breath, unperturbed by her earlier warning. “I didn’t know, Cin. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Every day,” he muttered, his hands balling into fists, “every day I wish that I’d been there sooner.”
Her heart skipped a beat at the pain in his voice. She reached for his hand and held it in hers, willing him to relax. “Every day, I’m glad that you showed up at all,” she whispered.
“It’s not enough. I could’ve—”
“Byron, it’s enough!” She gazed at him for a moment before turning her attention back to the road. “You will never understand how enough it is that I wasn’t raped! To know that you’d been there for me, even though you weren’t on duty! You did more than enough! Okay?”
His fingers interlinked with hers. “Okay.”
“Thank you,” she breathed, squeezing his hand. “I mean, sure, I can’t physically carry my own child, but at least I can still have a baby, and that’s all thanks to you.”
“Is it difficult, finding a surrogate?”
“Quite.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “We can’t decide if we want someone we know, or a stranger.”
“Pros and cons on both lists?”
“You bet.”
“And Brennan?”
She hesitated. “He’s not in a rush. I can’t help but think that…” She sighed and let go of him. “Never mind.”
“Tell me.”
“Byron, you’re a kid. You don’t have to worry about other people’s shit.”
“I’m not a kid. I might only be turning eighteen, but I’ve seen too much. Life hasn’t been kind.”
“That’s true.”
“So, tell me what’s going on,” he urged. “I’m going to be living with you, so it’s not like you can have secrets.”
She shook her head with a giggle. “We’ll have to make your room soundproof.”
“Cinnia.”
“Fine, don’t yell,” she teased. She got her thoughts in order before she responded. Frankly, she was probably delusional and speculative. “He just… doesn’t seem keen on the surrogate idea. I can’t help but feel like I’m not really a woman, you know? That I’m letting him down ‘cause I can’t have the baby myself.”
Byron snorted. “You’re an idiot.”
“Excuse me?” she gasped, stunned.
“I don’t think it’s possible that you’ll ever let him down. Before the Raptors, I thought love was just… I don’t know, like it turns into hate and anger pretty quickly. But watching you and Brennan, Dawn and Haye, your mom and dad, Teagan and Piper…” He rubbed his eyes. “It’s not something I’m used to. I’ve never seen people so completely devoted to each other before. You have nothing to worry about where Brennan’s concerned, Cin. Nothing.”
She blinked the moisture in her eyes away. “Wow, it’s weird to hear what it looks like from the outside.”
“It looks like the best thing that can happen to a person.”
“Do you think it’ll happen to you?”
He didn’t answer for a while: simply stared at the changing scenery around them. “I hope so. I’d like to try with Zoey. She’s a good girl.”
Not Zoey. Something’s up with that one… “And Cass?”
“That was the drugs.”
Cinnia frowned. “Are you sure about that?”
“I’m not saying she’s not hot. She’s just not for me, you know?”
“Okay, if you say so.”
“I do. So, what’s happening with the MC lately?”
She caught him up with the latest news—Aurora keeping Dawn and Haye busy, amongst other things—all the way home. She couldn’t quite hide Byron’s surprise party from him, not with all the cars and motorcycles lining the street leading to her house. She parked in the driveway and turned to him with a smile.
“And now you can ask all of them yourself.”
“You guys re
ally shouldn’t have.”
“This is what our family does, By. You should know that by now.”
He nodded tearfully and got out of the car, following her to the front door. “I’ll pretend to be surprised,” he quipped.
“They’ll know you’re lying,” she chuckled, stepping over the threshold first. “Everyone! Byron’s home!”
Loud cheers met them as they went into the living room, people fighting to get to the club’s Hero first. Cinnia stood aside with a smile, happy that they were so accepting of him. Sure, he was a junkie, and the Raptors didn’t agree with that lifestyle at all, yet that didn’t mean that they were going to shun him. He was family.
Sighing, she walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Life was overwhelming enough as things stood and, even though she’d been the person who’d arranged this party, she didn’t really feel like entertaining so many people. Thank goodness the spotlight was supposed to be on Byron.
She leaned against the counter and closed her eyes, attempting to clear her mind of all her emotional woes. She could hear some of her guests moving outside, presumably to smoke and help with the barbeque. The others—mostly women—were still in the living room, gushing over Byron’s new physique. She wouldn’t be surprised if he got lucky tonight: some of the Raptors women were very loose.
Closer, she recognized the thump-clink footfalls of her husband. She kept her eyes shut, but couldn’t stop her smile.
“Here you are, lass,” he murmured. He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. “Is everything okay?”
“I just needed some time alone.” She snuggled into his chest and held him, preventing him from escaping. “I’ll do my duties soon enough.”
“That’s not why I was looking for you. I know you must be going through a rough time today.”
“Nothing I can’t handle.”
Brennan didn’t answer for a while. He twirled her hair around his fingers and dropped feather-light kisses on her temples. “I want you to talk to me.”
She breathed deeply, taking his leathery scent to her core. “I don’t have much to say right now. I promise you’ll be the first to know if that changes.”
“That’s all I ask,” he chuckled. “Just so you know, I told everyone to stick to juice or soda today. I don’t want Byron to be tempted.”