by Elle Rease
To Brennan’s surprise, Cinnia declined Sarah application.
“You said she’s perfect,” he had argued, frowning.
“I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right.”
“Cin—”
“We’ll keep looking,” she’d insisted. She hadn’t wanted Brennan to know about her insecurities and, thankfully, he had dropped the subject.
Bridget was the second. Ginger-haired, her Scottish ancestry quickly made her a favorite of Cinnia’s, since it meant that Bridget would be able to adapt to the Drummond and Sloane traditions while carrying their child. This was an important aspect for her. She wanted to be there through every stage, to experience the pregnancy with the surrogate.
Unfortunately, Bridget had a weakness for Scottish men. Scottish, tattooed, pierced, long-haired, VP-of-a-motorcycle-club type of men. The fury that churned through Cinnia’s gut every time she caught Bridget eyeing Brennan was inexplicable and all-consuming.
“Cin, I thought we agreed that this is the best route to take,” Brennan had argued once she’d dismissed Bridget’s application.
“It’s our only route,” she had reminded him bitingly. “You don’t want to adopt, and I can’t carry the baby.”
He’d sighed deeply, breaking eye contact. “Tell me what’s going on. This is the second one you’ve turned down.”
“Don’t you see the way they look at you?”
“With their eyes?”
She had cried out in frustration. “Bren, they look at you like they want to eat you, day in and day out! Can you imagine if they had to live under our roof? You would see them get bigger with our child, the way I’m supposed to. So maybe they turn up the charm and point out how inadequate I am, and maybe you believe them—”
“Jesus Christ!”
“—so can you blame me for wanting to avoid that situation at all costs?”
“Cinnia, I would never—”
“But they would!” She had felt as if she could pull the hair from her head. “Brennan, I can’t afford the risk. I want a baby; I don’t want a third party in our marriage!”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not into threesomes anymore, huh?” He had glared at her, his eyes like ice. “Do I have a say in this at all? May I be given an opportunity to defend myself?”
She had lost a bit of steam, realizing that she wasn’t making much sense. “Look, I’m sorry if I come across as crazy at the moment, but I want us both to be comfortable with the surrogate. She’s going to be a part of our lives for nine months. I don’t want to welcome someone into our home if they’ll make me insecure.”
There had been a long silence between them while Brennan processed that. Then, with a nod, he had stepped forward and kissed her forehead. “I know how badly you want a baby, Cin, but you’re right. If it makes you uncomfortable, we won’t do it. This is our house and you should always feel safe here. I’ll trust your judgement.”
“Thank you,” she’d murmured, holding him tightly. In many ways, Brennan didn’t comprehend how malicious women could be, so he didn’t see how they’d dodged a bullet by rejecting Sarah and Bridget. Cinnia wasn’t going to allow anyone to destroy what she had with her husband, and the easiest way for them to do that was to make her doubt herself.
After India, though, Cinnia had started to lose hope that she’ll ever have a biological child. This particular hippie had taken the “free love” concept a tad too seriously and had actually grabbed Brennan’s ass, just as the three of them were about to sign the agency’s contract, which would’ve bound them together for nine months.
Cinnia should’ve been grateful that India had shown her true colors before they’d picked up the pens, but she’d felt gutted instead. Was it so fucking hard to find a respectable woman who would carry Cinnia’s goddamn child?
The agency was mortified and had assured Cinnia that they would be more stringent with their criteria before presenting the next candidate, but at this point, Cinnia didn’t care anymore. She only wanted to stay in bed and sleep for a couple of years, and hopefully wake up with a miraculously healed uterus.
Unfortunately, her husband wouldn’t let her.
Every morning, he roused her with such phenomenal lovemaking that her day started with a batch of endorphins. And when she had her period, he brought her hot chocolate. If she was grumpy, he made breakfast.
He got very creative whenever she was angry, too. Once, he abducted her from work and took her to the lake for a picnic. Another time, booked her into a spa for an eight-hour treatment. She’d been so pampered after that, she’d been in a fabulous mood for three days.
They were a few months down the line and shit out of luck. The other possible surrogates didn’t do it for Cinnia and she grew despondent. She stopped searching, thinking that a break was what they needed. Obviously, the more one wanted something, the more it slipped away.
It’ll happen when it’s supposed to, became her mantra. It was a saying that Dr. McKauley approved of, saying how Cinnia will notice a change in her life if she let go and ceased trying to control everything.
“Did you have fun in there?”
Cinnia glowered at Byron, straddling her motorcycle and putting her helmet on. “I hate her.”
“No, you don’t,” he chuckled.
“No, I don’t,” she agreed, giving her psychiatrist’s office a last look. “Let’s get out of here.”
Byron rode at her side, alert for any possible danger. He’d graduated from high school, passing all his subjects, with five distinctions in total. The club was super proud of their Hero and happy to pay for his tertiary education. He was starting his part-time studies in a month’s time.
He could’ve gone to university, but he wanted to stay close to the Raptors. It was clear what took the number one priority in his life. Everything else was secondary, even his relationship with Zoey. Frankly, Cinnia was surprised he’d gone back to that girl.
She couldn’t put her finger on why, but sensed that Zoey was pure evil.
Or maybe you’re just jealous.
Cinnia frowned. She had nothing to be jealous of: she was married to Brennan, after all. She didn’t need anything more than that.
Glancing at his reflection in the mirror, she tried to make sense of her feelings. There was a maturity in Byron’s aura now, which came as no surprise. He kept his dark brown hair short, which brought attention to his strong jaw line and full lips. When he’d shown off his Raptors ink the other day, she had been taken aback by how bulky he’s become due to Brennan’s influence. Byron Johannson was a very attractive man.
That doesn’t change the way I feel about Brennan, though. I married that man for a reason.
She parked at Dawn and Haye’s, bracing herself for the night to come. She loved socializing with her friends and family, but lately it’s been difficult to remain upbeat while their lives seemed to get better with each day that passed. They’d all moved on from the attack, not that she blamed them.
“Do you think she made that casserole?” Byron asked conversationally.
Cinnia eyed him. “Are you sure you can handle all the carbs?”
He shrugged, flexing his muscular arms. He was delighted that Brennan has taken him under his wing. “I’ll lose definition.”
“I swear to the gods, if you start using steroids—”
“Cin, I used to take hard drugs.” His voice had an edge to it. “I’m not using anything that’ll cause addiction.”
“Good.” She hung her helmet on the handlebar and headed for Dawn’s font door. “I’ll never forgive you, if you did.”
“I know, which is why I’m not going to. I don’t want to disappoint you again.”
She stared at him for a moment. “By, it should be about—”
“Don’t worry, I’m doing it for me, too.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “So, uh, Reade mentioned that he’s invested in that apartment complex. I’m keen to move into my own place.”
Her heart lurched and she swallowed
with difficulty. “I don’t think I’m ready for you to move out.”
“Not right this instant, but one day soon. Hopefully halfway through next year. With my studies and work, I’ll need my own place, you know?”
“By—”
“It’s going to happen, Cin, so I’m telling you as a courtesy. I love you and Bren, but damn, I need to get on with my life.”
She bit back her retort and nodded. He deserved a good life, and if that meant it wasn’t going to be spent in her house, so be it. She wouldn’t stop him.
Dawn’s front door was unlocked. Cinnia and Byron stepped inside. There was laughter in the kitchen, drawing Cinnia there. Piper and Dawn were standing at Aurora’s high chair, taking turns to feed the little girl.
One day, this will be me, Cinnia vowed. I will have a child. By God, I will!
“Hey, sis!” Piper greeted, beaming at Cinnia. “Rory’s being so adorable!”
“She always is.” Cinnia ruffled the little girl’s ginger hair and hugged her friends. “So, what’s news? Do you need any help with dinner?”
“Actually, I do have news.” Dawn exchanged a glance with Piper, who nodded. “I want to tell you before the party.”
“That sounds serious. Are you breaking up with me?” Cinnia teased.
“God no, never,” Dawn giggled. She rubbed a hand over her stomach, appearing to be nervous. “Cin, I’m pregnant.”
This shouldn’t come as a shock, considering how Dawn had gushed about trying for another baby a few months ago. Dawn was “healthy as a horse”, after all, and on a mission to give Aurora a sibling.
Cinnia knew all of this, but she couldn’t accept it. It wasn’t fair! What the actual fuck? For someone like Dawn, it was so simple! Just a go-ahead from the doctor and a few weeks of banging her husband’s brains out, and voila! She had another bun in the oven!
Me, on the other hand, Cinnia thought, steeling her emotions. She was not going to cry. It’s more difficult for me. I’ll be lucky if I ever have a baby.
“That’s so great, Dee,” Cinnia said. It felt like her tongue was navigating the surface of a desert. She went to the fridge and got a bottle of water, swallowing it down in a few thirsty gulps. Her palms were sweaty now, too, so she washed her hands. She was half-aware of everyone’s eyes on her and knew she had to compose herself. She didn’t know how.
Dawn’s pregnant. Again.
Piper took a step closer. “Cin, are you okay?”
“Of course I am!” she replied cheerfully. Could everyone hear the fake tone of her voice? Was she exaggerating too much, or did she sound as natural as she wanted to? “This is such great news, Dee! A baby brother or sister for Rory!”
Dawn seemed worried. “Yeah.”
“How far along are you?” Cinnia grabbed another bottle of water, chucking the empty one over her shoulder and flinching at the resulting sound. “I mean, you’re hardly showing!”
“Three months, actually.”
The desert was back. Cinnia chugged half of the bottle, wishing it was something stronger. It was five o’clock somewhere on the planet, right? No one would judge her if she replaced water with alcohol, surely?
“Three months! Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“I still had my period, so I didn’t know. But then I had a few other symptoms and went for a blood test. It confirmed it.”
“So great,” Cinnia said, her voice losing its luster. She headed for the doorway that led to the living areas of Dawn’s house. “Excuse me, I need to…” She trailed off and hurried to the patio, aiming for the furthest corner of the property.
Haye had built a big doll house for when Aurora gets big enough to start playing outside. Cinnia fought the urge to lock herself in there, settling for the wooden bench at the koi pond, instead. Her breathing was erratic and she heard Dr. McKauley’s voice in her head.
“Breathe in, breathe out. That’s it, Cin. Just keep breathing. In, and out. In, and out.”
She was calming down, which gave her emotions a chance to catch up. Tears burned her eyes and her hands were shaking. She needed something to numb the pain, to take her back in time so she could prevent this heartache. She was broken.
“Life isn’t fair,” she whispered. Her gaze went heavenward. “Why are you doing this to me? Why?”
Byron sat down next to her, saying nothing. He took her hand in his and, as has become custom, their fingers interlinked.
She hadn’t heard him follow, but she should’ve known he would. He’s made it his sole mission to ensure her safety and happiness, like she’d hoped. She wouldn’t say that she was the center of his universe, like she is Brennan’s, yet it felt good to have Byron’s support.
She would return it in an instant, and he knew it.
“By, the lawyer,” she murmured thoughtfully. “Would you sue God for me?”
“Just tell me when.”
She cracked a smile. “I’ll give you a few years to work on your closing argument. I want it to be epic.”
“Okay.”
“Morgan-Freeman epic.”
“Got it.”
“Internet-meme epic.”
He squeezed her hand. “With pleasure. I already know how to start it.”
“How?”
“‘What the actual fuck, God?’”
Until now, they’d been staring at the fish in the pool of water in front of them. And then he’d uttered those words, echoing her earlier thoughts, and she glanced at him in astonishment. He knew her so well, it scared her.
“That should get his attention,” she whispered tearfully.
“You bet it will.” He pulled her under his arm and pressed his lips to her temple. “Cin, it’s not what you want to hear, but I’ll say it anyway: it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be a great mom.”
Those tears slipped down her cheeks. She didn’t move to wipe them away: there were too many at the moment.
“If I could, I’d have your baby.”
She choked on a laugh, poking him in his side. “Thanks, By.”
“Another thing you might not want to hear: maybe the time isn’t right at the moment.”
“You’re starting to sound like Dr. McKauley.”
“She has a point, most of the time.”
Cinnia sighed deeply and dabbed at the corners of her eyes with the hem of her shirt. “Yeah, you’re right. And I know I’ll look back on this and smile. It’s just… not pleasant, going through it.”
“You have every right to feel this way. Life hasn’t been fair this past year.”
“So much good has come out of it, though.” She peeked at him. “We’re friends. I married Bren.”
“Whether we’re friends or not, you’ll never get rid of me. That’s something Bren and I have in common,” Byron joked.
She hugged him. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, Cin.”
“There’s another good thing that’s happened: you don’t call me ‘ma’am’ anymore.”
“I can start again.”
“Don’t you dare.” She pulled away, giving him a somber look. “I’m not that old.”
Byron winked and rose, holding his hand out to her. “Ready to go back to Dawn and Piper?”
Nodding, she followed him to the house. Dawn was still in the kitchen, packing the dishwasher. Aurora had disappeared and Cinnia guessed that Piper was giving the girl a bath before the rest of the guests arrived.
“Hey, Dee.”
Dawn stared at Cinnia with big eyes. “Cin—”
“Don’t.” Cinnia went to her best friend and embraced her. “I’m so happy for you and Haye. It really is great news.”
Dawn shuddered and her hold tightened fractionally. “Thank you, Cin. It means so much, coming from you.”
“I want you to know that whatever feelings I have, they’re not directed at you.” Cinnia pulled back, touching the side of Dawn’s face. “What’s happening in your life is normal, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having everything you wa
nt. Truly, you deserve it.”
“I just wish that—”
“I know, but it’s not your fault. Got it?”
Dawn chewed on her bottom lip, yet inclined her head in understanding. “Got it.”
“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”
“Boy,” Dawn responded immediately. Clearly, she’s thought it through. “Haye could use some toughening up. He’s way too lenient with Aurora. Can you imagine if we have another girl?”
Cinnia grinned. “Yeah, he’ll be wrapped around two sets of fingers.”
“Three, if you count mine,” Dawn giggled. “Although, to be fair, I don’t hold a candle to Rory.”
“Well, Haye’s crazy about you, that I know for sure. The fact that you’re his baby’s momma is what makes Rory so special to him.”
Dawn glowed with pleasure. “Bren’s going to be the same, don’t worry.”
“I hope so,” Cinnia said with a melancholic smile. “Come on, let’s set up the dining room and then watch The Real Housewives.”
“You hate that show.”
“Only because it’s so darn addictive.”
Laughing now that the conversation was on safer waters, the two of them prepared for dinner and went to the living room afterwards. Dawn put her feet up, already acting like a woman who was eight months pregnant. It looked like this was going to be more taxing than when Aurora was in Dawn’s belly.
The men arrived an hour later, along with the older generation. Dawn and Haye’s parents had driven all the way from the neighboring town, so the two of them must be planning on announcing Dawn’s good fortune tonight.
Cinnia was glad that she’d had a heads-up. She couldn’t imagine reacting like a spoilt brat in front of all these people.
Brennan must’ve sensed that something was the matter, because he stuck to her side the entire night. She whispered Dawn’s pregnancy as they sat down at the dining table, not wanting him to be out of the loop. His reaction was not what she expected: his eyes grew stormy and his fists clenched.
“I’m okay,” she assured him.
He glared at his empty plate. “You are?”
“I swear, babe.” She touched one of his hands. “I wasn’t when she told me, but I am now.”
“Okay.” Slowly, his features turned into the cool mask she knew so well, the one he reserved for social events. “How was your session with Dr. McKauley?”