Central to Nowhere

by D. J. Blackmore

  Ivy turned to see movement as a man waved crutches above his head from the windows of the departure lounge. She smiled in spite of herself. The man stood and hollered for attention. Airport staff on either side were attempting to usher him away as he waved the crutch like a flag. The doors opened then closed, shutting out the sound of his voice.

  Ivy frowned as she peered into the departure lounge. The wind blew the hair against her face and she pushed it out of the way. The airplane hadn’t moved, but its cadence rose another notch. She was the last to board and the craft was preparing for imminent take-off. Ivy looked at the cowboy again, waving beyond the glass. A little boy was at his side, dark curls jumping as he bounced up and down, and then Ivy could hear herself laughing as she began to descend the stairs.

  ‘The plane will leave any moment now,’ the sharp voice of the attendant reached her.

  ‘I need to talk to that man.’ Ivy pointed, glancing back at the attendant as she began the wobbly legged descent.

  ‘Madam, the plane is about to take off. It won’t wait.’

  ‘Just one minute, please!’

  Then the wind was tearing at her hair and she was running back across the tarmac to Adam waiting just beyond the doors. She didn’t know what she was doing, but she was alive at that moment, and all she wanted to hear were his words of farewell. Any last best wishes, any fleeting smile. She didn’t care how she was going to get back to Sydney if she missed the plane. Didn’t stop to think that her last money was spent getting on this flight, nor that her bag was stowed in the hold.

  Ivy slowed to a stop, waited for the doors to part for her to enter, then walked towards the man that was Capricorn Station.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  ‘You can’t go, Ivy,’ Adam told her above the voice on the loudspeaker that was paging her return. ‘I want you to come home. And I haven’t paid you a cent.’

  ‘It’s all right, Adam. The money doesn’t matter to me.’

  He grabbed her by the shoulders. The crutches clattered to the ground. ‘Please don’t go.’

  ‘You have your wife at home. I think we both know it’s time for me to leave.’ Ivy took a step back from his embrace, remembering to guard herself against his next words; against further hurt. For once in her life, she had to do something right.

  ‘Rachael is not my wife, Ivy. We’ve been separated for three years. Divorced for two! She’s left Michael and gone. She only came back for my money, and now she’s moved on. Please come home, Ivy. Please come back with me.’

  ‘Madam, the plane is about to leave!’ The strident tones of another flight attendant standing by the door met her ear. Ivy looked at her, then at the airplane just outside the doors.

  ‘Ivy?’

  Ivy studied Adam’s face, searching for the truth. Was she truly wanted for herself this time? Or did this man just want another temporary plaything, like all the others? Adam’s face crumpled and she saw Michael etched in the lines there. A lonely boy who needed to be loved. She turned to the flight attendant and let her heart take a dangerous leap of faith.

  ‘Go on without me. I’m staying here.’

  Adam took her by the hand. ‘I’m taking her home.’

  The attendant took in the sight, coral lips a sunset smile. She called her colleagues onboard to arrange getting Ivy’s bags off the plane.

  Ivy, Adam and Michael walked side by side. They left the airport behind. Ivy heard the measure of the airplane engine rise as they walked into the evening, and the roar as it sped over the tarmac before it soared away. And then later, when Michael’s head slumped against his father’s chest in the back seat on the way home, he said, ‘Tell me a story.’

  ‘I’ve got one.’

  ‘You do?’ Michael blinked up at her. Adam waited, and Ivy took a deep breath and began.

  ‘There was a girl who always felt like she did everything wrong. She wanted to be good. She wanted to belong. She tried a bit of this and a bit of that, but she never seemed to find something that she liked to do best. And she never was good enough for anyone to want her. Not really.’

  ‘Is that so?’ Adam’s smile encouraged her to go on.

  ‘It is. It was … I don’t know anymore.’ She looked down at Michael, but he had fallen asleep.

  ‘Bed time story worked for him. Will you tell me the rest?’ Adam asked.

  ‘Promise not to fall asleep?’ she whispered.

  ‘Not a chance,’ he shook his head. ‘Feel like I could talk until daybreak.’

  Somehow it was the nicest thing he could have said.

  She threw her fears to the breeze as it cooled her cheeks. Ivy glanced at RJ concentrating on driving the car.

  ‘When my parents split up, when my dad left us, everything changed. You think you get over it.’ Ivy shrugged. ‘I don’t think I did. He never said goodbye, and I always blamed myself. Horse riding lessons stopped. I’d loved that part of my life and it was suddenly over, just like that. I changed schools and barely saw Mum because now she had a job. I went from horses to other hobbies, never settling for anything. I wasn’t a delinquent, I just didn’t have a goal. And I couldn’t feel satisfied, whatever I tried.’

  ‘Is that it? I’m not going to fall asleep.’

  ‘There’s more. I had a boyfriend.’

  ‘Just the one?’ Adam quipped, but regretted it when he saw the mortification on her face. This was not something she was proud of.

  ‘He left me. And it hurt. That’s part one. Perhaps I’ll tell you the rest another time.’ Silence filled the car as Ivy stared out the window at the vast starry skies.

  Adam scratched around for words to encourage her.

  ‘A jillaroo is employed to learn the ropes, you know,’ Adam answered. ‘No one expects you to be a professional overnight. Yeah, horse riding comes in real handy, and once again, learning something like that takes a while. It’s taken me a lifetime to perfect, and I’m damned sure sometimes I don’t do things right. If I had thought twice, I’d have skirted around that filly, like I’ve been taught to do all my life. Instead, I startled her when she was already spooked, and I ended up with a broken leg.’ He gestured to the cast and crutches. ‘Anyway, what I’m trying to say is don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all got a story to tell.’

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Michael had become Adam’s shadow. Every day the kid waited for his mum to arrive, but every night he went to bed disappointed and Adam tucked him in. Adam didn’t know how to explain what he didn’t understand himself. He didn’t know how a parent was able to abandon their child, because he knew he never could. Michael had been taken from him. Rachael had wanted a divorce. He hadn’t realised that cutting ties with his wife would mean that he would be forced to sever the relationship with his son, too. That was something he would never have done willingly, not without a fight.

  Adam didn’t know how to go about mending a broken heart. He went into the kitchen, and sitting there with a plate of Ivy’s pikelets on the table at his elbow, sat his son.

  ‘Ashton’s Circus is in town tonight. Want to go?’

  Michael looked up with a mouthful and nodded. ‘Alright.’

  ‘Have you been to the circus before?’ Adam brushed a light hand over Michael’s hair.

  ‘Nope, but will tigers be there?’

  ‘I don’t know, mate. Maybe horses and elephants and dogs that do clever tricks. Would that do?’

  ‘Yeah!’ And no matter how brief the smile was, it was encouragement enough. It grabbed his heart.

  ‘Will you come with us?’ Adam had been following Ivy’s movements as she worked in the kitchen.

  ‘I think I’ll stay in tonight.’ She let him down with a smile, but Adam was disappointed all the same. He reminded Michael to put his plate and milk glass in the sink then watched him run back outside to play. Adam got up and grabbed hold of his crutches to st
and one-legged beside Ivy. She strained milk through a funnel into glass bottles. He’d always just poured the stuff into plastic containers. This girl had found mason jars somewhere and he had to admit that he preferred her presentation much more. He took the jug and clumsily poured the milk into the bottle while she held the funnel. She was so close he could smell the soap that she had washed her skin with. She smelled like fresh air, sunshine and warm Jersey milk.

  He recalled days before Ivy had arrived. Before her and her sunny smile landed on the station doorstop. Having her here was more welcome than perhaps she knew.

  ‘You don’t like the circus?’

  ‘I want you and Michael to have some time alone. You deserve it. You both do.’

  ‘But I want you to come out with me.’

  ‘You wanna take me on a date with a five-year-old?’

  She pushed a tendril of hair back from her face with the back of her hand. He couldn’t help but take in the detail of her inner wrist, arm, and up to the sleeve of her tee shirt.

  ‘So, it’s not the most romantic idea for a date. But I’d take you anywhere you wanted to go, Ivy. Except the Big Smoke. I never want to take you back there.’ He was grinning like some circus clown, but the last thing he wanted was to fall over his feet. He took up his crutches again.

  ‘Even though I came here giving a false impression of what I could do?’

  ‘That you let me think you were some barrel-racing, camp-drafting cowgirl?’

  Ivy laughed, ‘Yeah.’

  Adam grinned. ‘I’m so glad you fibbed all the way to Queensland.’

  ‘It was a childhood dream to be part of station life—riding horseback, mustering cattle, and I guess, looking the part, too. Horse riding was my life when I was little. When I was happy.’ Ivy’s smile went side-saddle and slipped.

  ‘I always remember that the instructor told me I was born with a gift. Until I hopped up into the saddle again, I thought I’d be able to see my little delusion through. Now I see it as exactly that. Although the white lies seemed to make sense at the time, I realised the moment I met you that my actions had consequences. I’m so sorry for the lie,’ she whispered, looking down at her feet.

  ‘You really wanted to get away, and find some place that made you happy, and I can’t blame you for that. Besides, I got over that ages ago. I laughed when you came off the horse and fell on your backside in the dust. You’ve brought more skills to Capricorn than I thought you would. Really, that’s the truth. I’m just so glad you heard me yell out before you boarded that plane. By the way, I’ll reimburse you for that.’ He held up a hand. ‘Just so we’re square.’ Adam rested his crutches against the bench to take the milk bottles from her and opened the door of the fridge.

  ‘Perhaps coming here is divine providence,’ she said.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Nothing is ever just chance, unless you give it no meaning. I don’t know the reason why you took a hunch and invited me here to Capricorn Station, maybe I never will. We don’t always need to know the destination. They say that it’s the journey along the way that counts.’

  ‘Want me to let you in on my secret?’

  ‘Well, you know mine,’ Ivy admitted.

  ‘I saw your profile picture and was smitten. Well, maybe not that, but my decision was clouded, shall we say. Like I said, you aren’t the only one to make rash decisions,’ he grinned. ‘Are you disappointed that you’re stuck here in a kitchen cooking for a bunch of blokes? It’s not exactly mustering and roping out in the paddocks.’

  ‘It’s more than riding and roping that runs a station. There’s so much more involved. Right now, I’m more than content to coax cows and cook steaks. Don’t know what I was thinking, really,’ she giggled. ‘Now I think of it, I reckon only angels can ride bareback. Sitting in a saddle is hard enough.’

  A ray of sun came through the windows and pooled on the floor. Morning sunshine filled the kitchen and rested on her hair. Ivy hardly knew the light she brought to the station, to the bones of his old house.

  He still felt like there was something else she wasn’t telling him regarding her dream of cutting cows in the bush. Probably every kid had some childhood idea that they had yearned for then forgot about—once common sense kicked in—so why would an intelligent girl like Ivy think to travel so far on an unrealistic whim?

  ‘Hey, did you try the feta cheese I made?’

  ‘Is that what’s in there?’ His smile was wide. ‘You can milk a cow, and now you’ve made cheese. Before you know it, you’ll be riding along with me.’

  ‘Take more than a season to master that mare you put me on.’

  ‘Glad I had more sense than to put you on Lipstick. She prances and spooks at the rustle of a leaf. Would have been wiser if I’d stayed off her back, too.’

  Adam hobbled from the kitchen. He wasn’t great with crutches, but he was getting better at it, and vowed to be more careful around the taffy until he decided what to do with her. Right now, he was preoccupied with other things besides a wayward horse. One was Ivy, and the other was his son.

  He had imagined Ivy with them at the circus, sitting close-up and cosy by his side. He was looking forward to coming home to her before he even left for the show. But the trip was important for Michael. Perhaps this outing would be the start of having his son again—to go on trips, play cricket, read together—all those things he’d missed out on. Michael’s contentment was almost all he wanted. He made a wish for it. Adam saved his prayers for emergencies. He’d leave the everyday ones to Ivy.

  Angels on bareback, Adam shook his head—he’d like to see that—but the only vision that came to mind was a girl from Sydney with hair of gold and a heart to match. Adam ached to kiss her. He did a few laps of the family room for want of something to do. He couldn’t just limp back into the kitchen and continue to stare at her idiotically as she cooked.

  Maybe he’d talk to Michael and ask him what he thought a lady would like on a date. He laughed in silence at himself. Like a five-year-old would know about love. He was kidding himself.

  He asked all the same.

  ‘Girls like chocolates.’ Michael was sure. ‘Flowers, too. I saw a movie with Mum and the girl in the movie was given flowers and chocolates.’

  ‘Chocolates, you reckon?’ Adam rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.

  ‘Yep, it’s romantic. Girls like romantic.’

  ‘I could take her out to tea.’

  ‘Dinner,’ Michael corrected.

  Adam nodded. ‘Yep, and if Ivy says yes to me taking her out, would you like to stay at Grandma and Grandad’s for a couple of hours, or would you like to come with us?’

  ‘The old lady’s house?’

  ‘Yes, son, she’s your granny. Do you remember her?’

  Michael shook his head. ‘No, but I liked it there. I like her biscuits. I like Ivy’s biscuits, too.’

  Adam pretended disappointment. ‘You’ve eaten biscuits that Ivy baked, and you didn’t leave any for me?’

  Michael grinned. ‘Yep, same ones I ate at Granny’s, only nicer. More sugar on top of ’em. But the jar fell and broke. Ivy cried, but I didn’t say nothing.’

  ‘Ivy cried because the glass smashed?’ Adam prompted.

  Michael shrugged. ‘I dunno. Probably.’

  Adam remembered the state his dad was in some days, and realised he couldn’t leave Michael there, not without worrying. It wasn’t fair to his mum. But he wasn’t sure if he could ‘do romantic’ with a five-year-old in tow. Perhaps he could find some candles in the cupboard and light up the family room like a movie scene, with the table set for two.

  At first, he had thought Ivy was a catastrophe just waiting to happen. But who was he kidding? It was him with the crutches and cast on his leg. Add to that a failed marriage, a son and an ex-wife.

  She wasn’t interested in so much as going to th
e circus. What made him think that she would be gripped agog by a man like him, with more baggage than he could carry? He was a clown to get carried away on a whim. She had giggled when he had asked her about going on a date with him. Maybe he’d need to maintain a little patience.

  Patience be damned.

  And Adam looked down at himself, and wondered if he really was a failure, or whether there was any chance at all that Ivy might see in him someone worthwhile. Someone she could depend on.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  ‘Sure you don’t want to come?’ Adam looked up at her as she stood by the car. ‘It’s a long drive into town, I know. I’m not very nimble at the moment, and I feel like I’m sitting a kilometre from the steering wheel, but I’d keep you safe.’

  Ivy’s heart flipped like a pikelet. Adam glanced back at Michael who sat solemn-eyed in the back seat. He could barely see above the door and out the window, and craned his head up, tortoise-necked.

  ‘Perhaps we can go into town together another time.’

  ‘Perhaps,’ she teased and was sure she saw Adam blush. It was new to see a grown man’s face turn pink. It was impossible to hide her smile.

  ‘Maybe we can go window shopping,’ he was quick to add.

  ‘Diamonds!’ Michael piped up.

  ‘Diamonds?’ Ivy laughed. ‘What are we going to do with them?’

  Now Adam really did blush.

  ‘Mum reckons they’re a girl’s best friend,’ Michael said, and was silent again. His dad began to laugh, though, and sat there shaking his head.

  ‘We only go into town once a month, though, right?’

  Adam looked down and rubbed the back of his neck but said nothing.

  ‘Sounds fun. But tonight is boy’s night out. I’ll have coffee and hot milk ready when you come back.’

  ‘Dad’s gonna get chocolates.’

  ‘Yeah, let’s go with chocolates, first off.’ Adam’s smile was wry.