Central to Nowhere

by D. J. Blackmore

  She rocked him in the cradle of her arms as she had hoped to do with the unborn child that she had lost. Tears dropped from her lashes and fell on the little boy in her arms. Although her body had healed from the miscarriage, Ivy still felt the loss. Long ago she had released the heartache of a careless boyfriend who had left, but the scars of her endless search for love—returned love, with the commitment to stay through good and bad—would take much longer to mend.

  Ivy looked down at Adam’s son. Dark eyelashes fanning damp cheeks. His face was upturned, he had fallen asleep. Last night he had woken from a nightmare, and hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. Ivy rose, unsteady with his weight, carrying him out through the chook shed. She went towards the house to lay him down so that he could rest a little bit before tea.

  She heard Adam’s car pull up as she began to climb the stairs. She looked over and smiled in his direction but from the glare of the late sun, wasn’t able to see his face. She heard the car door open, and then he made his way to her.

  ‘Here, let me take him.’

  ‘He fell asleep in my arms on the chicken coop floor.’

  After Michael was tucked in bed, Adam turned to Ivy. He gazed into her eyes as though he would kiss her, took her hand and opened his mouth to speak then changed his mind. Adam gently plucked a stray feather from her hair.

  ‘Mother hen. Whatever did I do out here on my own before you came?’

  Ivy heard a contented sigh escape the little boy. So did Adam. He turned away and bent to stroke Michael’s back.

  ‘By the way, I’ve got two visitors in the car. One’s a hospital escapee.’

  ‘Your mum and dad?’

  ‘Yeah, it was an impulse decision that wasn’t just mine to make. I ought to have spoken to you. I told Mum and Dad that they can come and camp for a while. For as long as they want to stay. They can’t lock him up and they won’t tie him down. I was afraid that he’d only break free again.’

  He searched her eyes. He needed her to see. ‘Capricorn Station is all Dad remembers. If it gives him an ounce of peace, then this is where he should be.’

  ‘Adam, you don’t have to ask me.’

  ‘Yes, I do. You see …’ Adam raked a hand through his hair, glanced down at Michael. ‘See, Michael and me …’ He opened his mouth and shut it again. He held Ivy’s face in the cup of his hands.

  ‘Adam, cooee.’

  Ivy’s smile tightened just a little. She squared her shoulders. Then Adam’s mum and dad were standing at the door.

  ‘Rachael,’ his dad exclaimed. ‘You’re here.’

  ‘No, Trevor dear, this is just Ivy. Don’t you remember meeting her here?’

  Trevor smiled at Ivy tentatively. Grace bustled into the room, clucking softly at Michael sleeping soundly. She brushed past Ivy as she did. ‘Michael, Michael dear, you won’t sleep tonight.’

  Ivy voiced her concern, ‘Grace, Michael needs to sleep.’

  Grace’s look was sharp. ‘It’s too late to take a nap.’

  ‘I thought it wouldn’t hurt if he had a little sleep. He was crying for his mum. He misses her.’

  ‘Of course he does.’

  ‘Bet Rachael must miss him, too.’ Ivy knew how that felt. She’d never had the chance to hold her baby in her arms but that didn’t stop her aching to cradle him.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Adam was finally going to be rid of the boot. He’d had enough of the burden of lugging it around. Michael liked to draw on Adam’s cast and Clancy, the puppy, liked to gnaw on the corner of Adam’s boot, but enough was enough.

  ‘You’ll be back in the saddle in no time.’ The family doctor smiled.

  ‘I’ve still been riding a little but you’re right, I’m going to be straight on it.’

  ‘Still, you’ll need to take it easy. Probably won’t feel the same, for a while, anyway. How did you do it?’

  ‘Horse kicked me in the leg.’

  ‘Cattle men through and through, you and your dad. I hear he’s pretty good with the whip.’

  Adam laughed. ‘Taught me everything I know.’

  The doctor revealed Adam’s leg. Pale, a little thinner and with quite a bit less muscle, but whole. Adam grinned. He’d still need that physio, and as much as he hated the crutches and then the boot, he had to gain strength slowly. Even so, his smile stayed with him all the way home.

  The car rumbled over the cattle grid. A flock of sulphur-crested cockatoos careened into the distance, calling harshly. In the round yard was Michael. He was on Lippy, bareback. His neon afro shocked the daylight with colour. It bobbed with the rhythm of four hooves.

  On the other side of the fence stood Trevor, in moleskins, boots and hat. One hand gripped the galvanised tube fence. There was light in the smile, and though his shoulders were stooped, Adam could see that his dad was there doing what he did best. Like father like son, so too was Adam. Only then did he understand how hard he’d been on himself for the way his life had gone over the last few years.

  There had been a time when Adam crawled out of bed, his days had been so dark. He hadn’t had a broken leg either, but two strong feet that he just hadn’t been able to plant firmly on the ground. He’d been a man without a purpose. Rachael had taken his son in the night from his home, and like a thief had stolen his will to carry on.

  Then there was Ivy, arriving fresh out of Sydney, like a blonde thunderbolt. Couldn’t ride a horse and had no idea of how a station was run. But she was right—she was prepared to give life at Capricorn her utmost. She had enough determination for the both of them. And then, every time she smiled, it was like sunshine.

  If she had come here with a crazy dream, then he had one too. It was all about her. About both of them and a future together that lasted way longer than any summer. He wanted to go through every season with her by his side. Family was about being with the people you loved. He loved Ivy. That made her family. And he knew that one day soon he’d like to call her his wife. Having Michael at home again, with Ivy by his side, surrounded by fifteen thousand acres of Queensland’s heart, he was a lucky man.

  Blessed? Well, maybe that was right.

  He walked up to his dad, who turned and smiled.

  ‘How do you do?’

  ‘I’m good thanks. And you?’

  ‘Never better. Beautiful day for it, don’t you think?’

  ‘Sure is. Do you think he should be out there on that filly? Damn horse kicked me in the leg,’ Adam prompted with a line he knew the old man would follow.

  ‘Kicked the stuffing out of you for a while, I bet.’

  ‘You’re not wrong. She’s an unknown quantity, that horse. The young fella doesn’t know how to ride.’

  ‘He’s got the ticker for it. That’s what it takes. A big heart and knowing you can do it.’

  ‘You been out here with him long? Who said he could go for a ride?’ Adam looked around but there was no one in sight.

  ‘I did. It’s my station. Teaching my boy here how to ride.’ His dad nodded in Michael’s direction. His eyes shone with pride. ‘Anyway, my name’s Trevor O’Rourke.’

  ‘It’s a pleasure to know you, Trevor.’

  ‘Come on up to the house shortly. I’ll introduce you to my wife. We’ll put the kettle on when my boy’s finished his ride.’

  ‘I’d like that. It’d be nice to have a chat.’

  They stood and watched Michael as he went round and round on the white-socked taffy that had put Adam in the cast in the first place.

  Michael called out, ‘Dad, look at me. This is my circus horse.’ Lipstick came over to the fence and stood there. Blinked. ‘I did good, didn’t I?’

  ‘You certainly did. You’re being taught just the way I was,’ Adam said. ‘The only thing I’m wondering is why on earth you wear that wig every day. It’s probably caked with dirt.’

  �
�My mum says that at the end of every rainbow, there’s always something nice. So I’m gonna keep on wearing it because it’s working real good. And when I ride my circus pony with my rainbow hat on, she can do tricks.’

  ‘Let’s not give her any ideas about doing tricks just yet, buddy. How about I help you down from the horse now and then we’ll go inside?’

  Michael nodded and put his arms out. Adam looked around. His dad had got the headstall and clipped it on the bridle of the horse. Adam smiled and shook his head. The land he loved kept his father more grounded than any hospital bed. It couldn’t be this way forever, but it was a rainbow in the day nevertheless. Michael ran ahead with Lawson and the pup.

  They walked into the house, and his father sat down in the front room where he used to sit for years, except the velour lounge and chairs had been replaced for dark, soft leather. Adam had splurged on some contemporary comfort when his parents had left for the conveniences of town.

  But if Trevor was feeling right at home, Grace was trying to run the place, and he could hear by the tone of her voice when she spoke to Ivy that she wanted to give Cook her marching orders. Adam frowned. This wasn’t good. He held back in the doorway.

  ‘Ivy, there’s nothing wrong with this oven. I’ve cooked with it for thirty years. You just have to keep an eye on the temperature when you’re cooking.’

  ‘If the stove is thirty years old, then maybe it needs to be fixed. Replaced even, I don’t know.’

  ‘Ivy, I know what I’m talking about.’

  ‘I know you do, Grace, but if I set the temperature for biscuits, it shouldn’t burn them in five minutes.’

  ‘Well, they’re not burned, they are brown.’

  Why was his mother being so rude?

  ‘I think I’d better leave it to you,’ Ivy said.

  ‘Well, I’ve been baking these biscuits for years, these ones Adam likes, and I never have a problem.’

  ‘First time I baked them, I didn’t either, but …’

  Adam entered the kitchen. ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth.’

  They both turned to look at Adam.

  ‘Oh, you got your boot off?’ Ivy gave him a little smile, but it was sad.

  ‘Yeah, and not before time.’

  She made her way out of the kitchen. Adam tried to catch her hand, but too quickly she was gone. He turned to watch her leave.

  He spun to his mother, crossed his arms and asked quietly, ‘What’s the problem?’

  ‘There’s no problem.’

  ‘What’s up with the oven then?’

  ‘Nothing! She’s just blaming the stove on her own mistakes.’

  ‘Mum, the oven is playing up, I know that for a fact.’

  She gave him a hard look and turned to wipe down the bench. ‘Ivy doesn’t need to be here now that I am. You can save a bit of money paying her if you want to get a new stove. I can see to Michael. I’m his grandma after all. She isn’t his mother, Adam. He already has one.’

  Adam’s shoulders drooped. He hoped Ivy hadn’t heard what his mother had said.

  ‘Firstly, you have enough to do looking after Dad, and we both know it. I know he’s improved a bit since he left the ward, but he needs constant care. Secondly, Ivy isn’t Michael’s mother, but she loves him. She takes time out for him. She makes the days brighter.’

  His mum opened her mouth to speak. Adam held his hand up. ‘Lastly, and perhaps most important of all—and I want you to think about this—Ivy isn’t going anywhere. I love her, Mum, and so does Michael.’

  ‘I want you to be happy, Adam, of course I do. I don’t want to see you hurt by a city slicker.’

  ‘Sometimes you just know when something is right, Mum. She’s like a rainbow and I haven’t been touched by a rainbow for the longest time.’

  His mother nodded. It was reluctant, but she heard what he said. Her face softened when she squeezed his hand.

  He left the kitchen and limped from the house with slow but determined steps. It was so good to walk without the hindrance of the crutches or moon boot, the extra baggage that had covered his leg. He sighed and looked out to the West.

  He made his way towards Ivy. She stood at the round yard, patting Lipstick on the forelock and down the length of her neck. There was hurt in her eyes and tears on her cheeks when she turned to him.

  ‘I feel like I can’t do anything right.’

  Adam shook his head.

  ‘And here I am thinking you can’t do anything wrong.’

  She smiled at him briefly. He wanted to see her cheered.

  ‘Won’t be long and summer will be gone.’ She looked out to the colours in the sky.

  He followed her gaze. ‘I don’t want the summer to end.’ He wiped away more tears as they began to fall to the parched earth. He had come to know her heart so well. It reflected his own and he drew her towards him then. Adam took a deep breath, garnered strength. ‘Don’t walk away. It doesn’t have to end. Stay with me. Marry me. Marry me instead.’

  His words came out in a rush. A word-filled flood. ‘I love you, Ivy. Perhaps I may have even loved you from the moment you first looked up at me with red dirt caked on your face. Fierce and determined. I don’t want this to be a summer. I want this to be longer. ’

  ‘But, what if …’

  ‘What are you afraid of, Ivy? You think I’ll change my mind and foist you off?’ Adam searched her eyes, wanted her to see his heart. ‘Trust me, Ivy. I’m not your dad. I’m not your idiot boyfriend. I’m here for you, for good. I want you here for me. Forever.’

  Ivy felt the wall around her heart melt away like chocolate left out in the sun. Adam wanted her. Needed her. Would love and protect her and stay with her. All she had to do was let go and leap … and trust him.

  ‘But what about Grace, Adam? For all its size, I’m not sure that the kitchen in Capricorn Station can hold your mum and I. I’m sure she just wants me out of here to make room for Rachael to come home.’

  ‘I have already worked it out. The shearers’ quarters are only recently renovated, but I’m planning a granny flat to the side. That way they can be here and feel at home, but not be in our pockets. And I’ll take care of Mum with regards to Rachael. She’ll get it. Leave her to me.’

  Ivy shook her head sadly. ‘I won’t have that on my conscience. We can’t kick your parents out of their home.’

  Adam laughed. ‘They happily left their home to me already. But she’d be happy with a new place of her own for her and Dad here on the property. Believe me, cooking for the blokes is all she wants. She wants to feel like she has a place, a purpose. But me and Michael, well …’ He grinned then grew serious. ‘All I want is you. I’d like you here for us. Our future’s right there’—he gestured at the Queenslander—‘together. Yours and mine and Michael’s. I love you, Ivy. Marry me.’

  ‘Adam, I didn’t finish part two of my story,’ Ivy began.

  ‘You can tell me the rest whenever you like. As long as I’m here with you for the conclusion, I don’t mind,’ he joked.

  ‘I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. Wrong choices, reckless moves …’

  ‘Don’t beat yourself up about those.’

  ‘Adam, that boyfriend I told you about, the one who left me. I made the mistake of jumping into a relationship that was a bit like everything I had tried before. All for the wrong reasons, trying to find real love and acceptance. Commitment. I rushed in, without ever thinking of the consequences, and went way too far trying to make him love me. It ended when he found out I was pregnant.’

  Ivy didn’t dare look at Adam’s face, feeling his shock in the sharp intake of breath.

  She willed herself to finish the story. ‘I was so miserable, and more alone than ever, but at least I had the baby. And then I lost that too. I lost him, Adam and the pain still kills me now.’ Ivy broke into sobs and Adam pulled her
into his warm, strong arms. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead gently.

  ‘I suffered so much from trying to find the love I ached for. So I wanted to start all over again. To go back to where I was when I was happy. I was going to become a jillaroo.’ She offered him a wry smile. ‘For a season, at least. And you see how it panned out … I couldn’t even get that right.’

  Adam took her in his arms. ‘I’m so sorry for that, Ivy, I really am. But maybe it’s time to forgive yourself. I think you’ve had punishment enough.’

  He held her close without speaking, let her cry again for her loss. Adam began to talk. About cows and fencing and the future, he soothed her as he spoke. ‘I have a proposal that I think was meant to be. Providence, I think you said it’s called. See, I know this stockman who’s got a son, and they want to make their family complete. He’s found the one person just right for the job, but her credentials aren’t something you can just jot down on some resume. Ivy, way and beyond being right for this station, you’re everything to me you could ever hope to be.’ He took her face in his hands, ‘So please, marry me.’

  He watched her face as she considered, hoping beyond hope that she’d take him. And for the second time only in his life, he asked for a bit of help from above.

  Please say yes.

  Ivy reached up and put her arms around him. She was petite compared to him, yet she managed to cover him completely with love.

  ‘I’ll marry you, Adam. Yes.’

  Adam drew Ivy closer. Kissed her like all he had was the moment. That tomorrow his chance might be gone, and Ivy melted into him, returning his kiss with a recklessness she knew in her soul would never be taken for granted.

  ‘You already know how to do romantic, Dad!’ Michael ran up to them, surprised. Adam tipped his face to the sky and laughed. His son made straight for Ivy. He put his arms around her legs, held her to him tight. No, Ivy was not Michael’s mother, but she loved his son. She put her arm around Michael’s shoulder. Smiled down, as his boy looked up at her with acceptance, fast turning into love.