Fighting For You

by Megan Noelle

  I couldn’t help the excess purchases; Karly was always begging me to go with her. It became increasingly worse when she found out that her and Jake were having a little girl whom they were naming, Melody Grace McKay. Of all the equipment, toys, books, and clothes I had the one thing I didn’t have selected was a name. There was something that just didn’t feel right about selecting a name without Corey making the decision with me.

  A few times I wanted to reach out to him and see if he wanted to join in a baby outing. Or come over and help set something up or even just feel little Bean’s movements now. It never happened though. Every time I went to pick up the phone, all I could remember was the choice he made to be with whoever this woman was and the image of the two of them together. More than once the thought of what I had and lost sent me running to the bathroom to puke up the contents of my stomach.

  I would never keep this child from their father but I kept reminding myself that the pregnancy wasn’t something we had to share. If Corey didn’t want to be the man in my life then I needed to accept that. What was the point of bringing him around to share the special moments of my pregnancy with, only to know he was going home to another woman? They could have their own baby together. My heart lurched at the thought but I made myself feel that pain and work through it. Within the next month I would be a mother and I needed to be a strong role model for my Bean to look up to.

  The biggest surprise to me after Corey and I broke up was Alex’s reaction. During one of the nights Sanders stopped by to watch a movie, he told me that Alex bitched Corey out for walking away. Then proceeded to flip a few chairs upside down before quitting his job.

  “That’s absolutely insane! Why would Alex do that? Those two are best friends, why did he throw it all away?” I had asked Sanders.

  “It wasn’t crazier than what Corey did, Dani. Truthfully, if I could, I would have joined him in the walk out. No matter what though, I couldn’t just leave Corey alone like that. He has done more for me than anyone else so I owe him much more than not freaking out the way Alex did.”

  “But why did Alex freak out about all of that?”

  Sanders had stopped focusing on our movie and leaned towards me for emphasis. “Because when you meet a good woman you don’t let them go and you sure as hell don’t treat them the way he did. And if it wasn’t you that found the woman but your best friend, you are just invested into their relationship as the couple is.”

  I had wanted to say something as a response, instead I had done nothing but stare blankly ahead of me.

  “Here’s the thing, I think Corey is being dumb as fuck but I don’t know the whole story. Sometimes Corey treats me so much like a little brother that he keeps things that he isn’t proud of from me. So I know his past is very dark but that is all that I know. I still think he’s screwing up big time by letting you go but at the same time if drugs are involved with his past, maybe he’s doing these things to keep you safe.”

  While Sanders had said made sense, it still didn’t completely put out the smoldering fire of rage in the pit of my stomach.

  “But there is nowhere in this world to me that is safer than being folded in his arms.” Sanders stopped mid-sip of his beer put it down and looked to figure something out.

  “Maybe the safest place is keeping you as far away from him. Dani, if there are people searching for you that don’t know who you are, the first place they’re going to look is at Corey. They’re going to trail him, stalk him, and observe him until they figure out who you are—if that’s what they’re after.”

  It was like a light bulb had been flickering in my mind and then it had lit up so brightly that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. There was no proof that Sanders’ theory was at all correct but I could feel it in my bones. Corey was hiding something about a woman but kept telling me it wasn’t what I thought. What if it was never him in danger but….me? The thought made me shudder from head to toe. Was it really possible that I was the one people from his past were after? It wasn’t even the thought of being in trouble that scared me so much. It was knowing that the one person I would ever go to out of fear I was almost forbidden from seeing. Plus it was that same man that I wanted to protect my little Bean—our little Bean.

  After that day I felt like I always needed to be looking over my shoulder as if I was going to see someone with a thought bubble above their head so I knew to run. Maybe a total of one day passed after Alex walked out on Corey that he showed up on my doorstep. I was relieved to have him around and most every day if I called him he’d be there in a hurry. Bailey and I even hired Alex on at the Inn; we didn’t have an official title for him but he did a little bit of everything. Alex was a fantastic comic relief 95% of the time and the other 5% he perfected the ‘shoulder to cry on’ when my overactive emotions couldn’t hold in my sorrow to have Corey back.

  It didn’t take long before he was filling all the roles that Corey used to have; grocery shopping with me, setting up new baby equipment and on the rare occasion I had an intense craving—he was on the case. It was tremendous to have Alex there whenever I need it but he wasn’t Corey. I couldn’t hold him, kiss him and share this experience the way I could when Corey was in my life. At the same time, I didn’t want to do anything more than friendly things with Alex. I just wanted things to go back the way the way they used to be.

  There was one thing that I would not bring Alex along for, although he offered if I needed him. This was the stage during my pregnancy when my baby checkups were once a week as we prepared for labor and delivery. Corey’s sisters were the ones who joined me for those. Most of the time it was Abby since Karly wasn’t having the easiest pregnancy. Baby Melody wanted to make her appearance into the world much earlier than was okay so it seemed every other week Karly was assigned bed rest.

  There were even a few times when Lainey came with me. When I saw how much she really seemed to enjoy herself I made sure to extend the outing. You could honestly never have enough baby clothes so we spent the afternoon clothes shopping and laughing. I could see how much she really wanted a baby of her own so I insured that anytime there was anything baby related—she could be a part of it.

  Everything seemed to be in order with relationships in my life (besides Corey) and two other people that I couldn’t just forget about. As stubborn and frustrating as these women were, they were still a part of my family and I was going to do what I could to work things out. My first stop took me somewhere I didn’t imagine myself going to again for a very long time.

  *~*~*~*~*

  The gates slid open with a loud obnoxious beep and the guard directed me to the same table I was at last time. On one side was a chair a counter space and a wall along the makeshift wall with a piece of Plexiglas separating the two identical seats. On the other end of the phone was the woman who gave me life, my mother Audrey. My mother used to be a stunningly beautiful person that people wanted to be. She had a glow about her that made you want to be close but the people she was once drawn to, were the ones that couldn’t be more wrong for her. After meeting my father Kole the two of them grew to love either, alcohol and drugs.

  I never knew what came of my father since he ran out on me when I was just a child but Audrey had never changed. She had always been erratic about her concern for my well-being and that was mostly because I didn’t sell drugs so I would never have been that important to her. One day she was arrested for possession and charged to three years in prison which was almost for the best. Before I high tailed it back to New York my Gram informed me that Audrey was up for parole.

  There was no way that was good news since people like her didn’t know the meaning of change. Frankly, I would have been just fine pretending she was no longer a part of my life but the fact still remained—she was my mother. Her calls became incessant and I knew that if I wanted to begin to repair the relationship I had with my Gram, I needed to put some work into this one too.

  The last time I was here Audrey’s thick and shiny golde
n blonde hair looked filthy and stringy. Her once bright blues eyes looked almost dead, perfectly matching the rest of her. Worst of all was the way she looked to have lost 20-pounds in her face and arms alone. It was a horrifying sight and despite our differences I ached for her. Whether or not I hated how I was treated growing up it didn’t change the simple facts that she would always be my mother.

  It had been well over six months since the last time I saw her and I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief at her appearance. The image of her last time had haunted me and I was terrified that in the time apart I would come back and see nothing but skin, bones and a blonde mop of hair. Her face was filling out, her hair looked cleaned up with the blonde shining through and her eyes finally seemed to have their twinkle back.

  Audrey smiled at me and was pointing to my stomach before either of us had the connecting phone to our ears.

  “Baby girl!” She squealed, the way she always did before. “Please tell me you didn’t just get that fat, Danielle!”

  I let out a snort and rolled my eyes. “No, I’m not just that fat.”

  Audrey smirked and nodded. “Well you know, the benefit of all your fat collecting on your belly is you can always tell people you’re pregnant. Poof—no more worry about someone calling you fat.” A rich laugh rolled off my tongue as I thought about all the good times we did have together.

  This was all a part of Audrey’s charm. You could spend most of your adult life hating her but within seconds you found yourself not only having fun with her but also missing all the times you lost together.

  “Except if I’m having a drink at a bar someone might call social services on me.”

  “Ooh,” she pointed at me with one time with a nod. “Good call, now, I still expect you to tell me the big news. Just try to pretend that your grandmother hasn’t already filled me in on the juicy details.”

  I smiled and placed my hand on my very prominent belly. “Hey mom, guess what!” I played along.

  The way her eyes lit up with amusement made the roleplaying games all worth it. “What, baby girl!?” She bobbed her head with excitement.

  “I’m pregnant!” Her expression transformed to shock as she covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Shut up! Are you really?!” I nodded my head with a Cheshire grin.

  “Yeah, about a month or two along so it’s still really early.” I joked and this time it was my mother who threw her head back and let the melodic sound of her laugh echo around the room.

  “Goddamn baby girl, I missed you so much.”

  This was where Audrey always hooked me in. Tossing around phrases such as, ‘love you,’ and ‘miss you,’ both of which were ones I craved to hear as I grew up. I loved my mother but I wasn’t here to just shoot the wind and not have a conversation of meaning.

  “I will always miss you, Audrey, because you are my mother. The last time I was up here though broke me, mom. You, dad, and Gram never once thought of what your fucked up ways were doing to me. It screwed me up so badly that even at 25 I was too damn scared to enjoy the perfect relationship that was seriously handed to me on a silver platter.”

  Her head hung down a bit as she took in the depths of my words. “Danielle, I can’t take back the person I was but trust me when I say how incredibly sorry I am that you were always put in the middle of it. There were times when I would be out for days on end and I had flashes of guilt at what I was doing. I kept trying to tell myself that I needed to be your mother; I had a responsibility to you but that guilt worked in the wrong way. I’d think about all the time I wasn’t going to get back and I kept throwing more time apart between us.”

  I doubted that my mother spent days on end thinking about how she needed to spend time with me. Guilt could be a powerful thing but I had a hard time believing that was what kept her from me. She was her own person and would do what she always felt was best. But, I wouldn’t turn down her apology; it was a step in the right direction.

  “That is a part of the reason I’m here. I remember what it was like in the past for us and I never want my child to go through that. I know you are up for parole and based on the way you look now, I’d say things were going well.”

  Audrey nodded her head and once more her face lit up. “Things have been much better, Danielle. The person I was last time you were here was not who I am and I’m finally feeling like myself.”

  I sighed and shook my head. “I’m so happy you’re doing better but I have to tell you right now that the person you were last time, by snapping on me, blaming me—that was the way I have you committed to memory. You did that to me, all the time.”

  She bit down on her lip and looked back up at me. “I did?”

  “Yes.” I felt the cold side of me coming out to play. I loved having a relationship with Audrey but it was going to have to be on my terms this time.

  “Let’s cut to the chase, Audrey. Within the next month, I will be a mother. I want my child to know their family, the good side of the Hamilton’s. I’m not going to watch you walk in and out of my kid’s life the way you did with mine. My child is either going to know you, or their not. It hurts to say that to you but I can’t keep this up. If you only knew how many nights I fell asleep in your bed because I was scared and alone. Your pillows were always tear-stained by the time I went to bed, but you never cared.”

  Audrey’s face scrunched up as she prepared for the onslaught of tears. I held back with composure and control even though deep down I was the scared child I was making her remember.

  “Danielle, I … I’m …” I gave her a minute to respond but she shook her head in defeat. “I don’t remember.”

  I never thought she did but it burned my heart to hear the truth poor out. The strongest memories from my childhood were ones she had no idea about.

  “When you get out and you decide you want to be a part of us, you need to get your act together. I’m not saying you need to work twelve jobs but you need to not do drugs. If for one second I find out you are, I will no longer let you know my little one.” I gulped back the shaking tone and breathless feeling. “Are we clear?” I asked as a strong, determined woman.

  Audrey Hamilton wasn’t going to run my life and she certainly wasn’t going to ruin it. If she wanted to destroy everything she had that was her choice; I wasn’t going down with her.

  “Dani, I swear things are going to be different. I promise you. I realized it after you moved back to New York.”

  “How?” I asked.

  A comforting, motherly smile spread across her lips. “Because you have a man that loves you enough to come up here and make sure I knew it was time to get my act together.”

  “Corey?” I asked in a breathless question as if it took the air from lungs just to say his name.

  “Of course, Corey. He came up here and put me in my damn place. He told me you two weren’t together but that didn’t mean you didn’t need a mother and that I sure as hell wasn’t one.”

  My eyes welled up, my heart felt like it was being squeezed by a strong hand with no intent on letting go. “I have to go.”

  “Dani!” She called out as I stood up. I held the phone to my ear again. “I promise to make this right.” I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth as I gave a nod and waved goodbye as I ran for the exit. My chest felt like someone had sliced a deep, irreparable wound that left all of me spilled on the concrete and no one there to help fix me back up.

  *~*~*~*~*

  The drive home should have taken about forty minutes yet two hours later I was finally pulling into the driveway of my house. Alex’s two-door Ford pickup was there waiting for me while he sat on the hood, stuffing his way with something out of a bakery bag. Throughout the long drive I had managed to dry the tears completely so at least I knew Alex wouldn’t press me about it. Anytime he saw me shed a tear he about jumped into action and questioned ruthlessly until I told him who or what was the culprit.

  Alex clearly hadn’t grasped the whole ‘pregnancy hormones’ concept yet and
never really believed me if I said I was crying over nothing. Those talks lasted long enough so if he were to see that he actually had something to question me about—I just didn’t have the time! In a month’s time I was going to have a baby and who knew if he’d be done questioning me by then.

  “Finally!” Alex yelled out as I opened my car door. I threw my hands up in the ar.

  “We didn’t have plans today; you are in no way allowed to yell at me for not being home.”

  He hopped off the hood and whipped the powdered sugar from the front of his shirt; he balled up the empty bag, looked around for a place to throw it and finally settled on sticking it under the wiper blade. I couldn’t help but laugh at his casual oddities.

  “You should give me a spare key so this doesn’t happen again.”

  “So what doesn’t happen again?” I teased.

  “I was just about to leave for my third donut run.” I stopped digging around in my purse for my keys, and shot my eyes up to meet his.

  “Your third?!”

  He made a mocking face that made me giggle. “Uh yeah, I told you, a spare key would have pretended that. Now I’m going to have to work twice as hard at the gym tomorrow which means I’ll have twice as many gym bunnies fawning all over me.”

  My fading turned into a full on laugh. I loved Alex’s sense of humor and honestly, every time I heard it I realized who he reminded me of—Gabby. It was no wonder to me why Alex and I got along so well, he was just like my best friend.

  “Whatever, Big Head. Why don’t you unlock the door and I’ll grab the mail?”

  “Toss ‘em to me.” I threw my keys up to him while I grabbed the mail from the box next to my front steps and followed into the house after Alex.

  I didn’t even need to look up from the stack of bills to know that Alex was buried in my fridge. He spent much of his time complaining about how much he ate, only to eat more usually within fifteen minutes.