by Jude Ouvrard
I cried, I hurt and I hoped.
The ring of my phone awoke me from my nightmare. Beverly.
“Bev.” I said with a broken voice.
“What happened?” she asked, and I could hear the anxiety in her voice.
“She was hit by a car,” I told her, unable to control my tears. I explained to her everything that happened in the last couple of hours. Including our fight, London and the accident.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I was pretty sure she was crying at that point. They were sisters, regardless of blood.
Once we had hung up, the pressure I felt diminished a bit, though it remained as painful. Some part of me felt better because I wasn’t so alone anymore. What if Ophelia lost more blood? What if she didn’t make it? What if the baby didn’t make it? How is Ophelia going to react to losing her only family? I knew how terrible I felt and how my life didn’t make sense anymore. I wanted her alive, most importantly, and I hoped that our little baby was going to survive, to be part of our family and cement us together.
My mind wandered as I closed my burning eyes for a moment. I needed a break, I needed to try and calm down. Even if nothing around me was right, I had to find some kind of peace. My soul called a time-out from this hell. This pain was all too similar to my mother’s death. I couldn’t be there with her, I never got to say goodbye. I couldn’t go through this with Ophelia. I simply couldn’t.
Two voices calling my name at the same time, the doctor and Beverly – who seemed to arrive at that precise time – got me back to reality within a second.
“Sir,” he paused and looked at me, probably wondering how much pain he was going to indulge me in. “We weren’t able to save the baby. We did everything we could but the placenta was damaged and there was nothing we could do after that”.
The weight of the whole universe fell on my shoulders. My knees failed to support me. It was all my fault. We had lost the one thing we both wanted, a family.
My heart was completely broken. I was certain that I had lost everything that mattered to me. Ophelia, our future. I’d made the mistake of turning my back on her. If I hadn’t done it, the baby would still be safely growing, and Ophelia would be happy but probably away in London.
I wished I could change the past, but unfortunately, I couldn’t. I had to live with this reality that looked too much like a nightmare.
“Sir, I suggest you take a seat, okay?”
I ignored her and shook my head no. “Can I see her now? It’s been hours.”
“Yes, but you can only stay for fifteen minutes. She needs to rest.”
Finally, I was going to see her. I took Beverly in a heartfelt embrace. I kissed her cheek.
“I have to see her, Bev.” I pleaded. “I have to see that she’s alive.”
I only had fifteen minutes with Ophelia but I had hundreds of things to tell her. First thing, I loved her. I could breathe better now that I knew I was going to see her, but I knew, or I thought I knew what was to come.
I followed the doctor to her room, I wanted her to walk faster, I wanted to run. My fingers were trembling. I should have been by her side hours ago. This moment couldn’t come fast enough.
The doctor pushed open the door of her room. I took one or two long breaths before walking in. I knew I wasn’t going to like what I was about to see. I expected bruises, a cast and IV, but what I saw was ten thousand times worse. The side of her head, over her temple, was shaved and dotted with stitches. She had a small black eye that resemble smeared mascara. Her wrist was in a cast and I knew what it meant, she could no longer play piano. Not until it was removed. Her legs were hiding under a thin white blanket. Her skin tone worried me, she was ghostly white. Even her lips were colorless. I hated seeing her like this. I was responsible for everything that had happened to her. I approached her and sat in the wooden chair next to her. Tears escaped as I stared at her. Her breathing was stable and I thanked God numerous times to have her here, alive. I could’ve lost her, she could’ve died.
“I remember when I first saw you walking in at the center. You were seventeen, skinny and your hair was missing in a few spots. You avoided us all, you didn’t make any eye contact. You walked to your room and you stayed in there forever. Two mornings after your arrival, I saw you for the second time and what I saw intrigued me. You weren’t a rebel, you didn’t seem to be a troubled child. Clearly, you weren’t there for the same reason as I was. Your eyes were always hidden behind tears. I tried to talk to you a couple of times, but you were really good at ignoring me. I hated it and you nearly drove me crazy. I did a little research as soon as I found out your name, and I learned what had happened to you. I immediately understood why you had gotten a black cross tattooed on your neck, and I knew what made you so devastated. The other kids thought I had gone crazy when I started protecting you, but I was scared that my father’s club might have something to do with your parents’ death. It had nothing to do with them, thankfully. But I vowed always to watch over you. You had something I couldn’t live without. You had that fire. When you finally talked to me, you made me the proudest of them all. For all the families my father and his club had probably broken, I wanted to take care of you and make you happy. I didn’t care how much time it would take, I only needed you.” I kissed her arm, hoping she would react to my touch, but I got nothing except the sound coming from the machine. Beep, beep, beep. I listened to the only noise that proved she was alive.
As ironic as it was, the new scar on her scalp formed the letter T. I hated that I liked it. I knew my time with her was coming to an end. Fifteen minutes never seemed so short. There was a nightstand next to my chair and out of curiosity, I decided to look inside. Of course, I found a Bible but I also found a bag with all of her personal belongings. I opened the bag and went through her stuff. It smelled like her, the perfume I loved and craved so much. They had removed her jewelry, and what was left of her clothing. Dried blood covered her shirt, I remembered the scene in my head all too well. There was a lot of blood. At the bottom of the bag, there was a white pencil and I wondered why. I took it and turned it over. Immediately, I was reminded of the pregnancy test we had bought. She knew, before everything happened. I didn’t know what to think about this but it suddenly clicked in my head. She was probably about to leave for London when she took the test. As soon as she got the result, she probably ran to get to me. She didn’t seem sad or scared when I first saw her on the other side of the street. She was happy. She was finally happy. The thought of her pain only shattered me.
I still believed that if I hadn’t left her earlier, this wouldn’t have happened and our baby would still be perfectly safe.
“Moving to California was crazy. We were all so young. Beverly had a good life but we were both damaged. Your desire to learn and get a degree pushed me to work harder. I wanted to be enough for you, I wanted be good enough that you could eventually be proud of me.” I chuckled. “But you were wild. You partied hard and I did too, but never as much as you did. I wanted to protect you from the vultures waiting for me to fail. University ended up exactly like I thought it would. Loads of coffee and studies, but God, did we have fun.” I paused, remembering our wild days. “Once, you said you more than liked me. You were really wasted that night though. But you made my day anyway. You made it all worth it.”
I was a lovesick puppy attached to a wild horse. I ran after her for years but I never got tired because she was the most captivating vision I'd ever witnessed. She fought against her demons and made each of her dreams a reality. Knowing her enriched my life beyond any treasure in a fairy tale.
“When you wake up, baby, I know you’re going to hate me. I should have stayed with you. I shouldn’t have turned my back on you in our first argument. I’m pretty sure we would’ve found a solution. I ruined this, okay? It’s all on me. Never forget how much I love you now and always. I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll miss your laugh, your smile, the sound of your music, but I think I’ll step away. I could
n’t bear it if I hurt you any more than this and I’m sure you’ll hate the sound of my name as soon as you wake up.” I wiped my tears away with the collar of my t-shirt. “I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me, because I don’t know how I’ll survive without you.”
I stayed with her for uncountable minutes. The feeling of my touch on her warm skin made me feel better. Beverly would take care of her, and she would feel better soon. Her strong will would lead her straight to a full recovery. I knew that because Ophelia was the strongest person I had ever met.
I could not even feel if my heart was beating when I walked out the door. The last sight of Ophelia I saw would stay printed on my mind forever. Even with all the injuries, I thought she looked just as good as any other day. My love for her overlooked the stitches and the shaved hair. Her soul hadn’t changed and I could feel that.
Beverly came in, facing me. She looked worried. I hugged her silently and I cried like she had never seen me cry. I was a broken man who had hurt the one person I cherished the most.
“I know you probably hate me now. I’m just going to go, okay? Take care of her for me.”
“What happened, Teodore?” she asked, uncertain of what I meant.
“She’s still asleep. I ruined everything, Bev. She isn’t going to let go. Not this time. You have my phone number if you need to reach me. I’ll be at Trevor’s.”
I turned around and left her speechless. I had never seen her dumbstruck before so that said a lot.
Chapter TEN
***
Darkness is my light.
Pain is my remedy.
Life is my living hell.
Will I survive?
***
Waking up, I opened my eyes very slowly. The pain that spread through my body was excruciating. I knew when I saw the pale mint walls that I was in the hospital. Gosh, I hated these freaking hospitals! I had vowed to never return to one after being released from the psychiatric hospital. The smell made me sick, the sterilizing products permeated everything, even the IV taped to the top of my hand and the baby blue nightgown that was a soft as a sandpaper. Damnit, I hated this. I tried moving my hand over the baby, but it was too painful. I didn’t remember much after the accident. The idea of being here brought so many sad and hurtful memories. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be away, at home.
I closed my eyes again, not willing to face the reality. I had hurt the life in me. The only continuity I had of my family.
I let that car hit me, I didn’t look, I didn’t care for my baby enough. I saw Teo, I saw him across the street and I was too happy, too excited. Reality hit me head on.
I cried, I sobbed. My body ached but I deserved the pain. I could have called for the nurse but I didn’t, I took the pain in and lived it. My life meant nothing. Gone was the strong girl, gone was my will to survive. I wanted out of this mess.
... O ...
Murmurs and small talk resonated in my head. I wanted to be alone. My mind screamed to be alone, but I couldn’t let a sound escape my mouth. I was a mute, like in my old days. Teo, he probably despised me for being so careless with our baby. I took it away from him before I even had the chance to tell him. Never again would I be able to look him in the eyes – his charming brown eyes that I missed so much.
My eyes remained closed. I faked it, not wanting whoever was in the room to know I was awake. The voice seemed to be Beverly’s, but it sounded as if I was under water. The pressure in my head was killing me. I thought my skull was cracked open, I had never felt like this before. It made me feel nauseous. I could taste it in my mouth. Unable to control my own body, I vomited without holding back because every bone of my body hurt and every muscles screamed for release.
I heard a voice calling for help as I emptied my stomach all around me. My body started trembling, I was suddenly so cold. My lips shattered. I opened my eyes slowly and I saw a nurse who removed my blanket and hospital gown, almost all at once. My vision was blurry but clear enough to see the bruise covering my wrist and my hip. I couldn’t move my wrist without the sensation of a knife cutting through my bones. Shit!
There was no way my baby had made it. My heart rate kept going faster and faster. I was having a panic attack. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t. The words I had heard in the past hours or days came back to me. “I love you, Ophelia.” “She was hit...” “Uncertain.” “Miscarriage.” “Broken.” “Therapist.” “Cast.” Some words only brought back all the memories from my parents’ murder.
“Breathe, Lia. Breathe.” It really was Beverly.
Where was Teo? My Teodore? It made me hurt even more to know that he wasn’t here. I needed him. He always used to be there when I hurt. Was he mad at me?
“We are going to give you sedative if you don’t calm down. Let me at least get you in a clean gown, okay?” The nurse was trying to clean me up with a cold and wet towel.
“The baby,” I murmured, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.
Beverly looked at me, tears in her eyes and she simply whispered back a broken no. I had expected it, I knew it was a possibility but it hit me, hard.
“Teo knows. It’s difficult for him too. He just left to go home.”
He planned on leaving me after all. We were really over. After all these years, all of these years where I had kept him waiting for me, it already meant nothing. We’d both wasted ten years of our lives. I felt like I had used him, taken advantage of his compassion for me. I was a selfish idiot. The sadness overwhelmed me. My body and mind became emotionless, which had to be the only way to get through it. Would he go back to Brooklyn? He’d never mentioned any interest in going back. In fact, I think he tried to stay away as much as he possibly could.
Should I go back to Brooklyn? I had unfinished business over there. I’d never gone to see my parents’ graves after the funeral. I’d escaped that city as fast as I could, tried to avoid any memories I had of them alive. Even after all these years, missing them never stopped. In moments like today, I wished I could have my mother by my side, holding my hands. I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be alright. Losing a baby, it was never something that I had thought possible, it had never crossed my mind. Of course, I knew I was pregnant for maybe thirty minutes before I got hit by the car. Each time I thought about it, it felt like a stab right through my heart but only, it kept stabbing me until I could no longer breathe.
... O ...
“How are you feeling, Ophelia? You’ve been crying for two hours now, since you woke up.”
“Where’s Teo?” I needed to know.
She looked at me, pain reflected in her eyes. “I believe, he’s upset because...”
I didn’t hear the rest of what she was saying, I blocked everything out. He was upset because of me. He was going to start dating another girl and he would forget all about me. I’d killed everything we shared. Angry didn’t cover it, I was ashamed of myself.
“How are you doing, Lia?”
“I can’t think about this, Beverly. I just can’t.” I begged her to let it go, for now. Beverly would give me a break, but I didn’t expect it to last very long. She had been there through the years and knew me better than I knew myself.
“Are you in pain?”
“Yes, I am but, I need to feel it. I deserve to feel it.”
Bev’s eyes locked on me. I tried to ignore it but she was crying.
“Life can really be a bitch sometimes. I don’t understand why it’s being so unfair to you. As soon as your life gets better, you get slapped in the face. It’s not fair. You and Teo were so happy and beautiful to watch. You guys inspired me.”
“Don’t say his name, Bev. It hurts too much.”
“Why? You guys are going to get through this. You’re too solid to let it break you. After all these years, Lia, you can’t let him go.”
“I don’t want to let him go, Bev, but I lost what we both wanted because I was careless. He doesn’t want anything to
do with me. I’m sure.”
“You’re wrong, I’m sure you are.” She sniffled. “You can get pregnant again and you guys are going to be the best parents ever.”
I motioned a no with my head. “He’s done with me. He said it.”
I loved him, needed him. Yet I was so confused about everything else. I knew our relationship had hit its first wall. Teo had a temper, never with me but I had seen him angry before and I expected him to be like this at the moment. Angry and saddened by my lack of responsibility.
“I don’t know when you guys talked, but you obviously need to again. We are all we have here. You can let him go. We live together.”
“Beverly, I killed our baby. What do you expect?”
Her face twisted in exasperation. “You didn’t kill your baby, Ophelia. You were hit by a car. It was an accident.” She shouted at me. “A terrible accident.”
I couldn’t listen to this anymore. My head ached, just like every bone of my body.
... O ...
It had been four days since I had been released from the hospital and I had plans. The only thing I’d done in the past few days was focused on that trip back home. It obsessed me. My decision was made and it was irrevocable.
“I’m going back home for a few days.” I waited for her reaction.
“Why? I don't think I'll be able to go with you.” Beverly said, worried.
“It’s okay. I was planning on going by myself. I have a few things I have to do on my own.” I hated doing this to her. We normally tried to do everything together.
She looked hurt. “What about Teo?”
I’d hoped she wouldn't bring his name up, but she had. “It doesn't change anything. He hates me.”
She rolled her eyes. “You guys are going to have to talk, okay? You were in love few days ago and it was about freaking time. You both lost that baby, okay? I hate mentioning it, but you have to face the reality. You don't stop loving someone like that.” She snapped her fingers.